suncatcher

Thought it was time for an update since I have been lingering here reading old posts and trying to see where I once was and where I am now. I am out of school now and have too much time to think about things that I put on the back burner when I was studying all the time. One of them being the best friend who I have called the boyfriend the past 10 years or so. Most of my old posts are concerning him and my codependency issues. He is still in my life and I still care for him. His health is still declining. He tries to stop drinking but never for longer than a day or two. I guess I am still struggling with the same issue of being his friend while not enabling and at the same time working on myself. Does it ever get easier? Do they ever decide enough is enough and start taking care of themselves? I know the answer but keep hoping he will get sick and tired of being sick and tired. Just wanted to post an update and thank you for being here.

Seren

Hi suncatcher,

It's nice to see you! Congratulations on finishing school!!

Does it get easier? As in, does it hurt less with time when you love someone and are watching them destroy themselves with alcohol? No. Not if you continue to maintain your front-row seat to their lives. At least not in my experience.

Will he ever decide that enough is enough? Maybe, maybe not. None of us can answer that question. He will if and when *he* decides he is sick and tired. He is the only one who has that control, I'm afraid.

Enough about him...how are you? Do you have a fabulous new job after finishing your degree? Any new hobbies since you now officially have more free time?

Eauchiche

Welcome back, Suncatcher!!!!
As always, I have to work on ME and be less concerned about how someone else lives their life.
I went to my ex's house recently to collect something that belonged to me. The front yard and patio looks nice. When I walked into the backyard, it is a mess and reeks of death. Dead plants everywhere and broken stuff.
I realized that I USED to live that way too.

suncatcher

Thank you Seren and Eauchiche! I am so close to finishing my associate degree in nursing. Got to the last semester and bombed the HESI exams which caused me to fail a class by 1 point! But I am not giving up! Studying while I am off and going back in January to get it done! I do need to find some new hobbies so that I don't continue the front row seat to this sad movie! It feels like death here at his house too Eauchiche and I really think he needs to be in the hospital. But he has to be willing. I am trying to live my life and not sit in the front row but it hard at times. I appreciate you both for welcoming me back and for asking about what is new with me! I am a work in progress! Might go swimming at a friends on this beautiful day! Hope you both are enjoying your summer as well!

honeypig

Hi, suncatcher. Thanks for stopping back in w/your update. I hear echoes of my own situation in yours, and I hope we both find a way to deal w/them in a way that feels right to us.

Although XAH and I are 4 years divorced, it was a fairly amicable split and we've been in contact during that time. The best way I can describe it is "taking what I like and leaving the rest", to the best of my ability. For instance, he works nearby and comes over on his lunch break to let the dogs out, and in return, I give him a pan of homemade lasagna, that sort of thing.

Not surprisingly, I feel he has been declining slowly both physically and mentally over that time, somewhat more markedly in recent months. The control issues lurking behind the help he's given me are more apparent, as well as other behaviors that indicate to me that his tightly-held grip is slipping.

To make a long story as short as possible, he is retiring in 2 weeks, and I fully expect things to go off a cliff in fairly short order. Maybe I'm wrong, but I think that the complete absence of any responsibilities or structure is going to let the demon out of the bottle with increased intensity.

So I'm there w/you, suncatcher, telling myself "more will be revealed" as well as "not my monkey, not my circus." They are adults; they do have the right to make this choice. It's going to be a tightrope walk, but I think there are enough tools in my bag that I can negotiate it well enough and hopefully come to the other side w/few regrets and increased compassion and strength.

ETA: I am so, so glad that I'm not married to him any more and don't have to worry about legal or financial complications, however cold that may sound.

velma929

When my AH died, I had an opportunity for a fresh start. a do-over. Yay, me.

I had two colleagues with drug problems. One I liked. I'll call him Hobart. He did the best he could, but he would often disappear for months at a time. When he was around, he was kind and polite. The other one was rude, loud, dishonest, obnoxious and shockingly unprofessional. I quit that job to eliminate contact with him. That boss was sad; but he had a higher tolerance for Shifty. I suspect he felt a duty to help him. I didn't.

I kept in loose contact with Hobart. We remain Facebook friends. In my own way, I love him as a friend. I wish him well. But would limit my contact and investment in someone who was going to draw down my emotional resources.This would be especially true of someone who showed no incentive to improve her or his own situation.

BTW, I'd feel the same way about a diabetic who didn't take care of his diet and insulin, or a woman having an affair with a married man, or any other person committed to moving forward with a plan that is likely to end badly. It takes a lot for me to write someone off, but I will give a person wide berth.

I'm sure there are still people in my life that are alcoholics. I don't have enough contact with my friend's husband, my boss's wife, or my colleagues to know if any of them suffer from addiction. I would proceed with caution. I don't have unlimited emotional reserves. I need to take care of myself.

Someone on this forum (years ago) was aghast at the suggestion that moving on from his or her alcoholic companion. Don't alcoholics deserve love and happiness?

I remember thinking my husband was a lot of things: he was a brilliant computer programmer, a pretty good woodworker, an okay plumber, but happy wasn't one of them. My love for him, and his parents' love, and his friends' and colleagues' respect, didn't make him feel better.

suncatcher

Honeypig so good to hear from you! Yes it does seem we are in similar situations with our qualifiers. I think that is a better term than boyfriend/friend etc. I too, am glad we are not married nor do we live together. I would be insane by now if that were the case. He has been there for me and I have been there for him but I feel like I am still too involved. He wants to find a doctor that will help him with his current problem. Dry, flaking skin and edema in his left lower leg. He does not get up and move! Sits all day and drinks and smokes. I told him every doctor will tell him the same thing
Stop Drinking! Until he does that he will continue with the same health issues until he dies. It does no good to preach to him and I know this. I know I can only take care of myself but it is torture watching him waste away to skin and bones and dehydrated dry scaly skin. Looks like he has been in the desert for months. Harder for me probably than him. But aaaghh! Lol

suncatcher

I know it is not a laughing matter and very serious. He could have a blood clot or PAD either way he has poor perfusion/circulation and needs to see his PHP. But thinks another doc could help him. Frustrating. I am sorry for going on and on. He only has one good leg. Has an aka on the right. I used to think I could help him but I know I can't now. I just try to be here for him when I can. But then I slip back into the caretaker role. Not healthy for either of us. I will probably be here for a while to get myself straightened out.

suncatcher

Velma929 thank you! Your post does make a lot of sense. It is hard to walk away from my qualifier who I have known since I was 16. I am close with his family and my best friend since 8th grade is his sister in law. I started dating him after my divorce when he was helping my friend's brother on a project one summer. I discovered my codependent nature in this relationship and have had to work really hard at not letting it drag me down. I have made progress and distanced myself but still have work to do obviuosly. To quote Pappa Roach "I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut. My weakness is that I care too much." Seems to be my theme song. Need to find a new one!

suncatcher

I apologize for my spelling errors obviously above. My phone does not coreect me when I type too fast.

suncatcher

Correct! ** ugh I will try to correct before I hit send but bear with me

suncatcher

I was much better when I had school to focus on. I did not have time to come over and see him as often. Maybe I need to find other outlets to occupy my mind and time. I seem to focus on him and his health issues more when I have too much time on my hands. Thank you all for letting me vent here and talk this stuff out. If any of you can come up with a new healthy theme song I would be interested! Music is my therapy in times like these!

velma929

Not that it makes much difference in this circumstance, but if he's smoking, that will slow down the healing a lot. I broke my arm a couple years ago. The nice doctor in the emergency room told me it would be completely healed in six to twelve weeks, unless I smoked. FWIW, the cast was off in five weeks. He kind of underestimated the "completely" part (made the physical therapist roll her eyes) but you get my drift.

Mango212

"Do they ever decide enough is enough and start taking care of themselves?"

Putting the focus on a more important question:

Do we ever decide enough is enough and start taking care of ourselves?

Yes. We do. We can. We have this ability.

Al-Anon can help. So can Celebrate Recovery, ACA and several other methods of recovery.

suncatcher

Mango212 you hit the nail on the head! It is about us and when we have had enough! See how my thinking gets distorted and focused on my qualifier?! It is like my brain wants to just focus on him or it has just become a habit! Thank you for the proper perspective. It really is that simple. Put the focus back on what I can do to help myself and I can walk away when I have had enough.

suncatcher

On a positive note, I am looking forward to spending the day with my grandsons swimming tomorrow! Wishing you all a do something nice for yourselves kind of day too!

suncatcher

Velma929, docs have told him to stop smoking to allow wound healing and he chose not to listen. Go figure but thank you for the thought and I am so happy you had a positive outcome!