Narcan Training Messed With My Head
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Narcan Training Messed With My Head
Hi, I’ve been reading this forum for years. Probably since 2 years sober or so. I started reading here because as an alcoholic myself I thought it was important to see what things were like on the other side. I never wanted to hurt my loved ones again with my drunken shell of a self.
Or so I thought.
Took awhile, but I’ve come to see myself as a “double winner.” Between the childhood trauma of finding my mom dead of an overdose at age 13, my dad shutting down effectively rendering us orphans, and good old genetics, I’m now kinda surprised that I was ever surprised I became an alkie myself.
Then a year ago, my brother died. He was almost certainly an alcoholic too, but never said it out loud. He was sure secretive about some things... like the woman we thought he’d broken it off with long ago only to realize that they were back on, engaged, and had a huge fallout. The fallout and pile of pills he took afterwards are how we found out they were back in after all.
His last text was to her. It said something to the effect that he drank wine, took a bunch of pills and gave her my other brother’s number to come get his body. An. Alcoholic herself (although this to me goes beyond simply alcoholism), she never bothered to contact my other brother.
So he lay dead in his bed for the better part of a week before we found out. And got his phone. And saw his last text.
So of course my brother’s death, effectively from alcoholism, brought back a lot of feelings from mom. He wasn’t raised by mom, (were a days of our lives family) but he died so much like her.
Then today, I went to a training. A training to try to save people’s lives if they od. I sooooooooo did not want to go to this training. I knew it would be hard to sit through. But I did it because I knew I should. Because while I have zero expectation that I might save a persons life then they’ll just skip happily off to rehab and lifetime recovery, but if I can save someone once it’ll buy them time. Time to **** up again? Perhaps. Probably. But time to possibly, just possibly, down the line realize they don’t have to live this way. That if they have kids, those kids don’t have to end up like me- a damaged, worthless feeling teen who somehow managed to get through school, only to become an alcoholic she’ll of herself for a decade... Or my brother. Gone way too soon.
I have to admit I cried on the way to the training. But I left actually feeling a little hopeful. Strange as that may seem.
Sorry if that was too much steam of consciousness, I haven’t written this lengthy and not proofread since early recovery. Thank you for listening.
Or so I thought.
Took awhile, but I’ve come to see myself as a “double winner.” Between the childhood trauma of finding my mom dead of an overdose at age 13, my dad shutting down effectively rendering us orphans, and good old genetics, I’m now kinda surprised that I was ever surprised I became an alkie myself.
Then a year ago, my brother died. He was almost certainly an alcoholic too, but never said it out loud. He was sure secretive about some things... like the woman we thought he’d broken it off with long ago only to realize that they were back on, engaged, and had a huge fallout. The fallout and pile of pills he took afterwards are how we found out they were back in after all.
His last text was to her. It said something to the effect that he drank wine, took a bunch of pills and gave her my other brother’s number to come get his body. An. Alcoholic herself (although this to me goes beyond simply alcoholism), she never bothered to contact my other brother.
So he lay dead in his bed for the better part of a week before we found out. And got his phone. And saw his last text.
So of course my brother’s death, effectively from alcoholism, brought back a lot of feelings from mom. He wasn’t raised by mom, (were a days of our lives family) but he died so much like her.
Then today, I went to a training. A training to try to save people’s lives if they od. I sooooooooo did not want to go to this training. I knew it would be hard to sit through. But I did it because I knew I should. Because while I have zero expectation that I might save a persons life then they’ll just skip happily off to rehab and lifetime recovery, but if I can save someone once it’ll buy them time. Time to **** up again? Perhaps. Probably. But time to possibly, just possibly, down the line realize they don’t have to live this way. That if they have kids, those kids don’t have to end up like me- a damaged, worthless feeling teen who somehow managed to get through school, only to become an alcoholic she’ll of herself for a decade... Or my brother. Gone way too soon.
I have to admit I cried on the way to the training. But I left actually feeling a little hopeful. Strange as that may seem.
Sorry if that was too much steam of consciousness, I haven’t written this lengthy and not proofread since early recovery. Thank you for listening.
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Originally Posted by wehav2day 
Took awhile, but I’ve come to see myself as a “double winner.”
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Originally Posted by wehav2day
Took awhile, but I’ve come to see myself as a “double winner.”
Years ago, I worked with a woman who had made the commitment to never drink. She recognized her mother and grandmother were both alcoholics. She said, "Whether is nature or nurture, I'm screwed."
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Originally Posted by wehav2day
Because while I have zero expectation that I might save a persons life then they’ll just skip happily off to rehab and lifetime recovery, but if I can save someone once it’ll buy them time. Time to **** up again? Perhaps. Probably. But time to possibly, just possibly, down the line realize they don’t have to live this way.
Hugs and prayers for you and all your family members!
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Join Date: Apr 2012
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Well done for you, going through with the training. I don't think saving someone's life is ever a waste of time; you just can't know.
May I say you've overcome a lot that would have defeated many people, and you should tell yourself that each day.
May I say you've overcome a lot that would have defeated many people, and you should tell yourself that each day.
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Originally Posted by Seren
I understand this feeling completely, and I'm sorry you had to endure this training. If it were me, I think I would be proud that I had made it through the training--heck, that I had made it through that childhood to even get to that training.
Hugs and prayers for you and all your family members!
Hugs and prayers for you and all your family members!
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Originally Posted by velma929
I'm certain that my Dad's heavy drinking (though he was a functional alcoholic) left me desensitized as to how extensive the Late Husband's drinking problem was. I don't have a problem, and neither does older sibling. I wonder about the younger one, but I don't have day-to-day contact with her, so I can't really tell.
Years ago, I worked with a woman who had made the commitment to never drink. She recognized her mother and grandmother were both alcoholics. She said, "Whether is nature or nurture, I'm screwed."
Years ago, I worked with a woman who had made the commitment to never drink. She recognized her mother and grandmother were both alcoholics. She said, "Whether is nature or nurture, I'm screwed."
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Originally Posted by FallenAngelina
I'm coming to believe that 99% of alcoholics are double winners. Alcoholism doesn't spring up out of nowhere. If you dig deep enough, almost all alcoholics have incredibly painful pasts. We have many double winners in our AlAnon groups and they are a treasured part of our community, adding depth and perspective to the whole-family approach of recovery. Thanks for sharing your story.
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