For a minute there I thought we would make it
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: San Diego, CA
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For a minute there I thought we would make it
Quick update. I filed for divorce in November. I wanted off the crazy train. He got better, relapsed, got better, relapsed, got better and lasted 3 months in an intensive outpatient program...we were happy and things were getting so much better (he was working his program, has a sponsor, working very hard)...then he relapsed briefly (just one drink) but got right back on his program. He lasted 1 month. Now he relapsed again, but this time I think he is done with the marriage and I am too. He is moving out (staying at a hotel to drink I suppose), and I'm proceeding to finish up the divorce. It's sad and I'm sad. He says I deserve better (and I think I do too). Still I mourn. Right now, I'm at work and I'm trying to be normal. I'm trying to figure out what I will tell the boys (12 year old twins). I'm numb. I need a hug or well wishes or prayers.
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sotired….I though that I read, in your other thread, that the divorce would be final on May1st...…..No?
Abiut what to tell the boys....they are 12yrs. odd, and they have seen what goes on.....They are probably much more aware than you think...kids always are....
My suggestion is to just tell them the simple truth....My guess is that they will accept it at face value....But, kids will often take time to "digest" information and will ask questions, later, as they feel the need.....Typically, they will ask questions that are very practical, as it pertains to their immediate security concerns....Kids think in smaller time blocks than adults do. They want to know what will be different tomorrow morning.....
Circle you wagons of support for you and the boys....
Alateen and a counselor for the boys....
Since you have been on the forum for 7yrs.....surely, you know the suggestions for support for yourself...?
No doubt, you will be grieving for a while....
sometimes it finally comes to a point where you just have to soldier on and do what you know that you have to do.....I think that time has come for you.....
Abiut what to tell the boys....they are 12yrs. odd, and they have seen what goes on.....They are probably much more aware than you think...kids always are....
My suggestion is to just tell them the simple truth....My guess is that they will accept it at face value....But, kids will often take time to "digest" information and will ask questions, later, as they feel the need.....Typically, they will ask questions that are very practical, as it pertains to their immediate security concerns....Kids think in smaller time blocks than adults do. They want to know what will be different tomorrow morning.....
Circle you wagons of support for you and the boys....
Alateen and a counselor for the boys....
Since you have been on the forum for 7yrs.....surely, you know the suggestions for support for yourself...?
No doubt, you will be grieving for a while....
sometimes it finally comes to a point where you just have to soldier on and do what you know that you have to do.....I think that time has come for you.....
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 62
Dandylion, thank you for your suggestions about gathering my support team. Yes, the divorce was supposed to be final in May, but since things had been going so well, I put it on hold. Now I've gone ahead and let the lawyer know to proceed. It should be quick. Just a signature. At least I don't have to figure out a way to get him out of the house. I know I will be ok, and so will the boys.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Hi sotired, well you certainly have my well wishes.
Oh what a roller coaster you have been on. Even just reading your post above - you have a lot of strength in you.
As dandylion says, anyone who can live with an alcoholic for any length of time can certainly make it on their own.
As for your Sons, of course it's always disappointing when parents separate but your STBex isn't disappearing , he will just be living somewhere else. They have been on the roller coaster ride too and you might just find that once the idea has had time to settle, they will feel relief.
They are old enough now that they can somewhat dictate the relationship they will have with their Father and that's empowering. No one - not even children want to be at the whim of an addict.
I'm sorry it has come to this but so glad you are getting of the crazy train.
Oh what a roller coaster you have been on. Even just reading your post above - you have a lot of strength in you.
As dandylion says, anyone who can live with an alcoholic for any length of time can certainly make it on their own.
As for your Sons, of course it's always disappointing when parents separate but your STBex isn't disappearing , he will just be living somewhere else. They have been on the roller coaster ride too and you might just find that once the idea has had time to settle, they will feel relief.
They are old enough now that they can somewhat dictate the relationship they will have with their Father and that's empowering. No one - not even children want to be at the whim of an addict.
I'm sorry it has come to this but so glad you are getting of the crazy train.
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Thinking of you and the boys. Knowing you're doing the right and inevitable thing doesn't mean it's any easier, but at least now there's some certainty. That alone will help.
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Thank you all for your replies. It is life saving. Things have been calm at home since he’s been gone but I feel like I’m falling apart inside. There will be times when I’m strong and ok...then I’ll feel sad and depressed. He texts me now and then so I know he’s alive. I simply respond that I’m praying for him. I found his work phone yesterday under a cushion, so I texted him to let him know (I figured he was looking for it). I told him I could take it to him if he needed it, but asked him not to come to the house if he is drunk. He said “ok”, but didn’t say anything further. Today I was a mess. I kept wondering how he was doing and wanting to call him. I felt so weak but I didn’t call him. Then he texted me this evening that he needs his stuff but he’s too drunk to come and get them. I told him I’d take it to him, and to just let me know where he is. He still hasn’t replied (he’s probably passed out drunk right now). I really don’t want him to come to the house, which is why I’m willing to just take him his stuff. At least I know what he’s doing...it sickens me. It helped make me strong again. I tried to go to an AlAnon meeting tonight but it was canceled. It actually made me laugh. Ugh! What a life! I need to start living differently.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
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Originally Posted by sotired77 
Then he texted me this evening that he needs his stuff but he’s too drunk to come and get them.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Originally Posted by sotired77
I tried to go to an AlAnon meeting tonight but it was canceled. It actually made me laugh. Ugh! What a life! I need to start living differently.
Hang in there sotired, this will pass, things won't always be like this.
I agree that you should offer to pile his stuff in to a garbage bag and just leave them outside wherever he is staying, so it's not hanging over your head.
At the very least have it all ready by the door so if he does show up you can just shove it out the door and close it.
This is tough, I'm sure you are feeling very uncertain and hurt. It's a good time to sit down and list all the reasons why you don't want to be in this relationship, all the horrible things that have happened, how you have been treated. When you start to feeling sad and think of the "good" times, drag that list out and read it.
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