Week away from surgery and I can feel myself starting to crumble...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 395
I wish I had been more selfish... earlier!
Well today was kind of big for me. I’m estranged from my parents & family (long, dysfunctional story) but I remain in contact with my ex’s aunt who became like a mother to me over the years. She was always concerned and there for me emotionally every time I left my ex. For she’s married to a man, sober for 30 years old... so knows quite a bit about my struggle.
Anyway, I love her dearly but have needed to make some new boundaries. For the past few weeks she’d call me... bringing up my ex... bringing up her worries, etc. It was stressing me out and again, putting more focus back on my ex.
So today, I told her that I’ll no longer discuss, worry or talk about my ex. That I’m officially done... that I have been “done” for some time... I just hadn’t enforced what I truly needed. She understood and thanked me. She was worried of course... not having me as a liaison or as her main “connector” updating her on my ex’s addiction but I told her - it’s no longer (& was never actually) my responsibility.
It’s interesting how we all can take on different dysfunctional roles without even realizing what a burden they become!
I’m so relieved to let this aspect go!
Phew!! NOT my responsibility!! The weight and guilt is lifting....
Well today was kind of big for me. I’m estranged from my parents & family (long, dysfunctional story) but I remain in contact with my ex’s aunt who became like a mother to me over the years. She was always concerned and there for me emotionally every time I left my ex. For she’s married to a man, sober for 30 years old... so knows quite a bit about my struggle.
Anyway, I love her dearly but have needed to make some new boundaries. For the past few weeks she’d call me... bringing up my ex... bringing up her worries, etc. It was stressing me out and again, putting more focus back on my ex.
So today, I told her that I’ll no longer discuss, worry or talk about my ex. That I’m officially done... that I have been “done” for some time... I just hadn’t enforced what I truly needed. She understood and thanked me. She was worried of course... not having me as a liaison or as her main “connector” updating her on my ex’s addiction but I told her - it’s no longer (& was never actually) my responsibility.
It’s interesting how we all can take on different dysfunctional roles without even realizing what a burden they become!
I’m so relieved to let this aspect go!
Phew!! NOT my responsibility!! The weight and guilt is lifting....
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,003
I hope you can keep a friendship with the Aunt. Sometimes it is necessary to build a family with people who are not blood relations. Has the aunt done anything in Alanon?
Also Life I was thinking about what you said about making a change in an instant. It certainly applies in your case. However it does seem like we get folks here who either just aren't ready or can't hear how this whole dysfunctional dance works. I understand hearing that oneself is actually part of the problem is a huge concept to swallow.
I wonder how I would have done with a forum like this some 30 years ago. I read a lot so understood he was only going to change in his own way on his own terms if at all. It took me a lot longer to understand these changes were none of my business.
I'm thinking of some posters over the years who did not seem to be able to grasp what everyone here was telling them. I do think there is a pacing to personal growth that can not be accelerated. Understanding our own role in someone else's addiction is not intuitive. That walking away from someone in such dire straits goes very much against what many of us have seen as compassion.
I'm rambling a bit here.
Best to you as you convalesce.
Also Life I was thinking about what you said about making a change in an instant. It certainly applies in your case. However it does seem like we get folks here who either just aren't ready or can't hear how this whole dysfunctional dance works. I understand hearing that oneself is actually part of the problem is a huge concept to swallow.
I wonder how I would have done with a forum like this some 30 years ago. I read a lot so understood he was only going to change in his own way on his own terms if at all. It took me a lot longer to understand these changes were none of my business.
I'm thinking of some posters over the years who did not seem to be able to grasp what everyone here was telling them. I do think there is a pacing to personal growth that can not be accelerated. Understanding our own role in someone else's addiction is not intuitive. That walking away from someone in such dire straits goes very much against what many of us have seen as compassion.
I'm rambling a bit here.
Best to you as you convalesce.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 395
She has. She’s a religious woman as well... & her faith is what keeps her so grounded & stable... even though she’s surrounded by addicts and addiction. Like I mentioned her husband has remained sober for 30 years! Incredibly rare love story. She, herself battles food addiction. Many in her family are addicts.
She has kept such intense faith that my ex will one day choose a sober life path. Even when nearly everyone else has given up on my ex. She’d sob with me wanting it so badly... but full well realizing she’s powerless. She dreamt that I’d marry my sober ex like she & her husband... She’s one of those folks who doesn’t blindly fantasize (as she knows addiction oh too well) but allows herself moments of both grief & fantasy. She just wants everyone she loves to be healthy & happy.
I’m not religious but I always accepted her open prayers with me. She’d call to just cry with me, then end our conversations in prayer. She’d pray for me and my ex. It was so moving and thoughtful.
I am still concerned with my boundaries (re: her connection with my ex) so gonna take it day by day, see how things go. But I don’t want to loose her either. Complex.
Wanted to add... it may seem like it — but I certainly didn’t change overnight. I’ve sadly been around addiction for so many decades (& just coming to terms with everything now). The most meaningful people... who I’ve loved with every cell in my body... have all been addicts. I’ve taken huge steps for myself this month but don’t think I don’t mourn, grieve, have a broken heart over leaving my ex.
2 months ago she nearly died in my arms
I apologize deeply if I offended anyone’s personal struggle or process on here. There’s no exact time or process that’s right for everyone. It’s so difficult... my heart shatters every time I think about all the pain addiction brings. It will take me a long time to get over all this... kills me that she can’t be in my life. I left because it was right for me and I hope will ultimately save her... I may/may not ever know.
You’re very right to mention all that.
She has kept such intense faith that my ex will one day choose a sober life path. Even when nearly everyone else has given up on my ex. She’d sob with me wanting it so badly... but full well realizing she’s powerless. She dreamt that I’d marry my sober ex like she & her husband... She’s one of those folks who doesn’t blindly fantasize (as she knows addiction oh too well) but allows herself moments of both grief & fantasy. She just wants everyone she loves to be healthy & happy.
I’m not religious but I always accepted her open prayers with me. She’d call to just cry with me, then end our conversations in prayer. She’d pray for me and my ex. It was so moving and thoughtful.
I am still concerned with my boundaries (re: her connection with my ex) so gonna take it day by day, see how things go. But I don’t want to loose her either. Complex.
Wanted to add... it may seem like it — but I certainly didn’t change overnight. I’ve sadly been around addiction for so many decades (& just coming to terms with everything now). The most meaningful people... who I’ve loved with every cell in my body... have all been addicts. I’ve taken huge steps for myself this month but don’t think I don’t mourn, grieve, have a broken heart over leaving my ex.
2 months ago she nearly died in my arms
I apologize deeply if I offended anyone’s personal struggle or process on here. There’s no exact time or process that’s right for everyone. It’s so difficult... my heart shatters every time I think about all the pain addiction brings. It will take me a long time to get over all this... kills me that she can’t be in my life. I left because it was right for me and I hope will ultimately save her... I may/may not ever know.
You’re very right to mention all that.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
LifeChange…….I am glad that you were able to be honest with your ex's Aunt about your needs in this relationship....
I think this sort of thing happens, in families, more than you may think.
Every time there is a divorce or a major break-up of a relationship...this kind of dynamic has to be faced. From what I see, it seems like, most of the time, the "family" drifts away, along with the ex.....
But, in a certain number of cases, It doesn't take that route.
One example, from my own life....my son had a girlfriend that I especially liked....and, her own mother died when she was young....so, I think she especially liked me....
After she and my son broke up...(and the dust settled)….she started calling me, periodically.....We did discuss that I couldn't take on the role of exchanging information about my son....beyond the very rudimentary....."He is doing fine".....and, she accepted/understood that. Since then, we have remained friends, on our own (without my son as the main "connection". We have great conversations, on a fairly frequent schedule.....She lives in another part of the U.S. We are able to have a friendship that is just between us.
I have the same thing with an ex son-in-law.....
I think that the most awkward time is in the beginning....just after the break-ups....but, time, it's self, seems to take care of that...…
It sounds like you and your ex's aunt may have enough human connections and genuine appreciation of each other, that you may be able to have the same kind of relationship...minus your ex.
After all, you are more than just an extension of your ex...and she is, also, more than just an extension of your ex....
Just like the grieving process, these things seem to have a timeline of their own and can't/shouldn't be rushed or forced.....
I do think your relationship with her sounds valuable enough that it would be a good thing to remain in each other's lives....
I think this sort of thing happens, in families, more than you may think.
Every time there is a divorce or a major break-up of a relationship...this kind of dynamic has to be faced. From what I see, it seems like, most of the time, the "family" drifts away, along with the ex.....
But, in a certain number of cases, It doesn't take that route.
One example, from my own life....my son had a girlfriend that I especially liked....and, her own mother died when she was young....so, I think she especially liked me....
After she and my son broke up...(and the dust settled)….she started calling me, periodically.....We did discuss that I couldn't take on the role of exchanging information about my son....beyond the very rudimentary....."He is doing fine".....and, she accepted/understood that. Since then, we have remained friends, on our own (without my son as the main "connection". We have great conversations, on a fairly frequent schedule.....She lives in another part of the U.S. We are able to have a friendship that is just between us.
I have the same thing with an ex son-in-law.....
I think that the most awkward time is in the beginning....just after the break-ups....but, time, it's self, seems to take care of that...…
It sounds like you and your ex's aunt may have enough human connections and genuine appreciation of each other, that you may be able to have the same kind of relationship...minus your ex.
After all, you are more than just an extension of your ex...and she is, also, more than just an extension of your ex....
Just like the grieving process, these things seem to have a timeline of their own and can't/shouldn't be rushed or forced.....
I do think your relationship with her sounds valuable enough that it would be a good thing to remain in each other's lives....
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
