Alcoholic BF says he doesn't love me anymore.
Really just repeating what Sparklekitty stated - you do not make him drink.
Is he not a grown up person that decides what he wants to drink?
If you do have that power, perhaps insist he drink kale juice instead of alcohol.
It's really that ridiculous. If this was his statement - ie: I wouldn't drink so much if you weren't so controlling - that's a HUGE red flag. Blaming someone else for your behaviour is never correct.
Is he not a grown up person that decides what he wants to drink?
If you do have that power, perhaps insist he drink kale juice instead of alcohol.
It's really that ridiculous. If this was his statement - ie: I wouldn't drink so much if you weren't so controlling - that's a HUGE red flag. Blaming someone else for your behaviour is never correct.
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The reason he "doesn't love you" anymore, is because you started questioning his bull$hit and getting in the way of his drinking. Full stop. My ex did the same thing. When I bought into his promises of "cutting back" he loved me. When I told him he need to stop drinking altogether, he just "didn't think he had romantic feelings for me anymore", then later when I backed down on my complete sobriety stance, I was all of a sudden the love of his life again. You recognize a pattern.
It's tough and incredibly painful when you start to come to terms with the fact that the person you thought you were in a relationship with does in fact not exist. Alcoholics are masters of manipulation. They can be incredibly charming and are expert liars. He cannot love you the way you would like to and deserve to be loved while he continues to drink. It's heartbreaking and I'm so sorry that you are going through this, but it's better to come to terms with it sooner than later.
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I'm really sorry you are going through this Leochic06. A lot of your comments, including the one about your bf seeming trustworthy at first, sound very familiar to me. I was in a similar situation with my first real boyfriend a few years ago; I was 30 when we broke up. What stands out to me in your posts is that he is quite manipulative. His behavior is atrocious and he's already got you buying into his excuses (bullied in high school) and blaming you/your communication for his problem. Whether you stay with him or not, do NOT buy into what he is telling you; you will lose your mind. It is NOT your fault and there is no excuse. He was an alcoholic before you met, he is an alcoholic now, he will be if/when you break up.
The reason he "doesn't love you" anymore, is because you started questioning his bull$hit and getting in the way of his drinking. Full stop. My ex did the same thing. When I bought into his promises of "cutting back" he loved me. When I told him he need to stop drinking altogether, he just "didn't think he had romantic feelings for me anymore", then later when I backed down on my complete sobriety stance, I was all of a sudden the love of his life again. You recognize a pattern.
It's tough and incredibly painful when you start to come to terms with the fact that the person you thought you were in a relationship with does in fact not exist. Alcoholics are masters of manipulation. They can be incredibly charming and are expert liars. He cannot love you the way you would like to and deserve to be loved while he continues to drink. It's heartbreaking and I'm so sorry that you are going through this, but it's better to come to terms with it sooner than later.
The reason he "doesn't love you" anymore, is because you started questioning his bull$hit and getting in the way of his drinking. Full stop. My ex did the same thing. When I bought into his promises of "cutting back" he loved me. When I told him he need to stop drinking altogether, he just "didn't think he had romantic feelings for me anymore", then later when I backed down on my complete sobriety stance, I was all of a sudden the love of his life again. You recognize a pattern.
It's tough and incredibly painful when you start to come to terms with the fact that the person you thought you were in a relationship with does in fact not exist. Alcoholics are masters of manipulation. They can be incredibly charming and are expert liars. He cannot love you the way you would like to and deserve to be loved while he continues to drink. It's heartbreaking and I'm so sorry that you are going through this, but it's better to come to terms with it sooner than later.
I think now I'm not controlling him but watching. Since we aren't moving in together it has taken a lot of pressure off of our relationship. But that being said. I can walk away if I need. I am just slowly watching him.
Already in the past week that I've tried this technique, he told me he thinks its ok to do cocaine occasionally, he wants to go back to pot (he said he quit when I met him, I have my suspicions he's started again), said he would do mushrooms etc.
I watched a TED Talks the other day that said to make a list of all the bad things he has done. I read it everytime I glorify the relationship. So far I feel the same about everything lolol. But I feel like I've almost become addicted to him.
Already in the past week that I've tried this technique, he told me he thinks its ok to do cocaine occasionally, he wants to go back to pot (he said he quit when I met him, I have my suspicions he's started again), said he would do mushrooms etc.
so basically anything he can get his hands on. the "do coke occasionally" might be a tip off that he IS doing coke NOW and that can explain a lot of the mood swings. this guy intends to have SOME substance in his blood stream at all times. this appears to be his goal in life. i mean how many other people did you talk to this week that spoke about what DRUGS they are planning are using???
it is good, VERY good, that you are shifting into the role of observer, rather than fixer. it's amazing what we SEE from that perspective!
so basically anything he can get his hands on. the "do coke occasionally" might be a tip off that he IS doing coke NOW and that can explain a lot of the mood swings. this guy intends to have SOME substance in his blood stream at all times. this appears to be his goal in life. i mean how many other people did you talk to this week that spoke about what DRUGS they are planning are using???
it is good, VERY good, that you are shifting into the role of observer, rather than fixer. it's amazing what we SEE from that perspective!
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Yep. I'm no expert on the psychology here, but I felt exactly the same way. It got to the point where I was probably less functional (at least mentally) than him. It's good that you are aware this is happening. It seems counterintuitive to think that you would be "addicted" to someone who treats you poorly, but it's almost like the worse it gets, the harder it will be to break the habit. It's tough to break out of the cyclical patterns of hopes and disappointments.
thank you so much for your response. That wad exactly what I needed to hear. It feels like in the past couple of days I've slowly become aware that he isn't the person I thought he was.
I think now I'm not controlling him but watching. Since we aren't moving in together it has taken a lot of pressure off of our relationship. But that being said. I can walk away if I need. I am just slowly watching him.
Already in the past week that I've tried this technique, he told me he thinks its ok to do cocaine occasionally, he wants to go back to pot (he said he quit when I met him, I have my suspicions he's started again), said he would do mushrooms etc.
I watched a TED Talks the other day that said to make a list of all the bad things he has done. I read it everytime I glorify the relationship. So far I feel the same about everything lolol. But I feel like I've almost become addicted to him.
I think now I'm not controlling him but watching. Since we aren't moving in together it has taken a lot of pressure off of our relationship. But that being said. I can walk away if I need. I am just slowly watching him.
Already in the past week that I've tried this technique, he told me he thinks its ok to do cocaine occasionally, he wants to go back to pot (he said he quit when I met him, I have my suspicions he's started again), said he would do mushrooms etc.
I watched a TED Talks the other day that said to make a list of all the bad things he has done. I read it everytime I glorify the relationship. So far I feel the same about everything lolol. But I feel like I've almost become addicted to him.
Well I just finished reading your thread, and how cool is it that by page 4, it sounds like you are already learning and catching on, and gathering knowledge quite quickly. It can be difficult to sort through it all when you are new to this, but the more you learn, the more it will help you.
A few things regarding being with someone active in addiction, and some of this stuff is in the stickies/ articles, but in a nutshell, you are dealing with someone whose “monkey brain” is running the show :
neo-cortex- human brain (rational thought, speaking, higher brain functions)
limbic- monkey brain (emotions and more)
cerebellum- lizard (movement, action, body functions).
...Basically when you are dealing with someone who is impaired because they are constantly dumping substances into themselves, their decision making abilities are severely compromised. Also things like planning, memory, response to inhibitions, other cognitive operations. The frontal cortex also the self observing part of the brain, where we have insight and judgment, where we see ourselves and our deficits. But when you are constantly impaired because of drug/ alcohol use, you can’t see yourself and your own behavior accurately. It becomes circular. Which is why it’s really futile to argue with someone about their alcohol/ drugs or try to “get them to see”- the very part of the brain they need to be functioning is being impaired by the alcohol and drug use in the first place. It’s a vicious cycle.
Also when you are new to this, you might not have the life experience coupled with solid practicality to see the situation for what it is yet, I think that’s where the “what if he get clean/ sober” mindset comes in sometimes- a sort of fantasy when you are dealing with an inteolerable situation. Hoping it might get better, when there is nothing solid in place that can possibly make it so. IE not in any kind of recovery, stuck in a pattern (substance abuse and behavioral/ relationship) of his own admission and backed up by his mother, who sounds like she has issues too, the push- pull behaviors, his “insights” about you coming from his f-ed up impaired drunken / inebriated “logic” that have gotten into your head- it’s a toxic mess.
You absolutely have the power to get out of it, though, there’s so much info and knowledge out there, which you are already accessing. It can be a little messy getting yourself untangled (looking at your own “stuff” and why you got involved with this kind of guy in the first place is important, as others mentioned), but it can be done.
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Yep. I'm no expert on the psychology here, but I felt exactly the same way. It got to the point where I was probably less functional (at least mentally) than him. It's good that you are aware this is happening. It seems counterintuitive to think that you would be "addicted" to someone who treats you poorly, but it's almost like the worse it gets, the harder it will be to break the habit. It's tough to break out of the cyclical patterns of hopes and disappointments.
The thing that gets me is he did the 360 within the span of days. Now I've been suffering for months. Although he had bad behavior he never treated me disrespectfully. He treated me with respect. I think that's why its hard to wrap my mind around wth happened.
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Yep. I'm no expert on the psychology here, but I felt exactly the same way. It got to the point where I was probably less functional (at least mentally) than him. It's good that you are aware this is happening. It seems counterintuitive to think that you would be "addicted" to someone who treats you poorly, but it's almost like the worse it gets, the harder it will be to break the habit. It's tough to break out of the cyclical patterns of hopes and disappointments.
The thing that gets me is he did the 360 within the span of days. Now I've been suffering for months. Although he had bad behavior he never treated me disrespectfully. He treated me with respect. I think that's why its hard to wrap my mind around wth happened.
Last night I called him to say hi. He ended up calling me clingy. I got so frustrated after weeks of me doing what he wanted or needed it still wasn't enough.
The thing that gets me is he did the 360 within the span of days. Now I've been suffering for months. Although he had bad behavior he never treated me disrespectfully. He treated me with respect. I think that's why its hard to wrap my mind around wth happened.
The thing that gets me is he did the 360 within the span of days. Now I've been suffering for months. Although he had bad behavior he never treated me disrespectfully. He treated me with respect. I think that's why its hard to wrap my mind around wth happened.
Why did you call, when you are broken up?
Are you clingy? That is something I can't deal with in friends nor relationships.
I got so frustrated after weeks of me doing what he wanted or needed it still wasn't enough.
He's not suffering. He's not pining for you.
As long as you continue to try to force him to get back in your life, you are going to continue to suffer. I'm sorry, but you're doing this to yourself at this point. All suffering is about attachment, and this isn't healthy for you to hang on like this.
Twisting ourselves into knots because we think it is what someone else wants us to be is not a recipe for long-term relationship success, LC.
Being who we are and accepting and loving ourselves is what makes us ENOUGH. No other person can provide that.
Being who we are and accepting and loving ourselves is what makes us ENOUGH. No other person can provide that.
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As gently as I can, he may well have moved on. You met him through a dating app, right? There are always new options for him there.
He may have found someone with money and a habit or two of her own. That’s the best kind, in addiction world.
He may be deeper into hard drugs than you knew about and is hanging out with his dealer’s “friends” now.
Or he just wants to drink and do drugs without anyone paying attention to it.
The hard fact is that no matter what he said or didn’t say, his actions say he’s out of the relationship with you. In a way, that’s easier...lots of us get strung along for a long, long time being “friends” (meaning sex when he wants it and that’s it) and/or being part of a love triangle where he runs back and forth between you depending on who’s enabling him best that week.. I did that for a couple of years...it was AWFUL.
Please walk away from this car wreck in progress. You’re a good person and don’t deserve to have your dignity stomped on.
He may have found someone with money and a habit or two of her own. That’s the best kind, in addiction world.
He may be deeper into hard drugs than you knew about and is hanging out with his dealer’s “friends” now.
Or he just wants to drink and do drugs without anyone paying attention to it.
The hard fact is that no matter what he said or didn’t say, his actions say he’s out of the relationship with you. In a way, that’s easier...lots of us get strung along for a long, long time being “friends” (meaning sex when he wants it and that’s it) and/or being part of a love triangle where he runs back and forth between you depending on who’s enabling him best that week.. I did that for a couple of years...it was AWFUL.
Please walk away from this car wreck in progress. You’re a good person and don’t deserve to have your dignity stomped on.
He basically drank more because I was so controlling.
Last night I called him to say hi. He ended up calling me clingy. I got so frustrated after weeks of me doing what he wanted or needed it still wasn't enough
See, you think by changing YOUR behavior into what he wants that you’ll get him back. And as you are learning, that is and never will be the case.
The thing that gets me is he did the 360 within the span of days. Now I've been suffering for months. Although he had bad behavior he never treated me disrespectfully. He treated me with respect. I think that's why its hard to wrap my mind around wth happened
The more chances you give someone the less respect they’ll start to have for you. He’s treated you badly and he knows it, yet, you continue to come back for more. He’s gotten comfortable disrespecting you and depending on your forgiveness. He’s learned he doesn’t have to respect you.
You are having a relationship with the moods of an addict, some days good, some days bad some days both good and bad its ever changing with the highs and lows none of which can be trusted.
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The more chances you give someone the less respect they’ll start to have for you. He’s treated you badly and he knows it, yet, you continue to come back for more. He’s gotten comfortable disrespecting you and depending on your forgiveness. He’s learned he doesn’t have to respect you.
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Well it's over. Tonight he was extremly drunk. He also admitted to smoking pot everyday for the past couple of months.
He wants to be friends. I told him I can't for a while.
I'm sad and trying to find the silver lining but it's hard.
He wants to be friends. I told him I can't for a while.
I'm sad and trying to find the silver lining but it's hard.
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Exactly. Why would he change? You'll keep coming after him regardless of what he does. I'm not saying this as a criticism; I did the exact same thing. It makes sense because you are emotionally invested in this man and you've put up with a lot of crappy behavior, and of course you don't want feel like it was all for nothing. It's gonna hurt like hell, but trust me, it's better to walk away with your dignity intact than beg someone who lies to you and disrespects you to come back to you. It's his turn to make amends and prove to you that things have changed. But that's going to take a lot of time, if it ever happens. Do you want put your life on hold for that?
He even admitted to saying at one point I wouldn't even know if he was high. He said it while he was high and thought it was funny I didn't know.
I asked him if he ever loved me. He said yes he did abd still does but he loves himself more.
In the long run, I can't hate him. He saved me from a year of living with him when he knew he couldn't fulfill what I want. He also was truthful enough to make me want to run.
I say this as I desperately want him back. But I know I'll never get who I want back, back.
Yes, I'm sorry you got hurt.
You are absolutely right that you will never get back who you want, because that guy does not exist. He is all of this, he may well be able to be charming sometimes, that's him, he likes to drink - a lot, that is also him (the guy that says you wouldn't even know if he was high - and laughs) and the pot smoker.
He is all those things.
That's what is so hard about relationships with people who are not their true selves, today he is fine and fun and seemingly clear headed, tomorrow he is rude and arrogant, on Monday he is anxious and hung over and rude - what happened to today guy?
Anyway, it will take time to recover from all this, You are probably right when you say that he wants to be that way - that "good" guy with some kind of normal life, but he can't be, the addiction is in charge and he shows no willingness to get treatment.
You are absolutely right that you will never get back who you want, because that guy does not exist. He is all of this, he may well be able to be charming sometimes, that's him, he likes to drink - a lot, that is also him (the guy that says you wouldn't even know if he was high - and laughs) and the pot smoker.
He is all those things.
That's what is so hard about relationships with people who are not their true selves, today he is fine and fun and seemingly clear headed, tomorrow he is rude and arrogant, on Monday he is anxious and hung over and rude - what happened to today guy?
Anyway, it will take time to recover from all this, You are probably right when you say that he wants to be that way - that "good" guy with some kind of normal life, but he can't be, the addiction is in charge and he shows no willingness to get treatment.
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So sorry for you Leochic. My heart breaks for you!! You see the good in him and know he has the potential to be so much more than what he is settling to be. Unfortunately he doesn't see his addiction as a problem but just his way of living. Its so hard to see someone you love so much be someone you don't understand. I can understand that you don't hate him. Your heart is still tied to him and that's ok. You love the man he was and you want the better version he could be. Being away from him will not be easy but you will eventually see that removing yourself from his bad habits will only make you a stronger person. Maybe one day he will see that his way of life isn't the wisest choice but he has to figure that out all on his own. All you can do is pray he does.
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Yes, I'm sorry you got hurt.
You are absolutely right that you will never get back who you want, because that guy does not exist. He is all of this, he may well be able to be charming sometimes, that's him, he likes to drink - a lot, that is also him (the guy that says you wouldn't even know if he was high - and laughs) and the pot smoker.
He is all those things.
That's what is so hard about relationships with people who are not their true selves, today he is fine and fun and seemingly clear headed, tomorrow he is rude and arrogant, on Monday he is anxious and hung over and rude - what happened to today guy?
Anyway, it will take time to recover from all this, You are probably right when you say that he wants to be that way - that "good" guy with some kind of normal life, but he can't be, the addiction is in charge and he shows no willingness to get treatment.
You are absolutely right that you will never get back who you want, because that guy does not exist. He is all of this, he may well be able to be charming sometimes, that's him, he likes to drink - a lot, that is also him (the guy that says you wouldn't even know if he was high - and laughs) and the pot smoker.
He is all those things.
That's what is so hard about relationships with people who are not their true selves, today he is fine and fun and seemingly clear headed, tomorrow he is rude and arrogant, on Monday he is anxious and hung over and rude - what happened to today guy?
Anyway, it will take time to recover from all this, You are probably right when you say that he wants to be that way - that "good" guy with some kind of normal life, but he can't be, the addiction is in charge and he shows no willingness to get treatment.
His ex wife he proposed to on the first day he met her.
Is this the drinking problem or something else going on?
Is it normal for alcoholics to move quick in a relationship. In the beginning he had already told me he was going to propose to me. 2 months in he was making plans of moving in together. His ex wife he proposed to on the first day he met her.
Is this the drinking problem or something else going on?
Is this the drinking problem or something else going on?
Some A’s just need that comfort of having someone close but many people are like that. I have a friend who cannot be without a relationship with a man because of how being in a relationship makes her feel about herself. Doesn’t matter if it’s a good relationship or if he treats her nice it’s just all about her ability to say she is not alone.
Probably a bit of both.
If you read around the forums you will see that time and again when an addict ends one relationship they quickly pick up another.
Not all addicts of course, they are not all clones, they are individuals, but it does indeed seem to happen in many cases.
If you think about it, if someone proposes to you on the day they meet you, that's all about them and very little to do with you.
If you read around the forums you will see that time and again when an addict ends one relationship they quickly pick up another.
Not all addicts of course, they are not all clones, they are individuals, but it does indeed seem to happen in many cases.
If you think about it, if someone proposes to you on the day they meet you, that's all about them and very little to do with you.
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