Alcoholic BF says he doesn't love me anymore.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,548
Originally Posted by Ariesagain 
Alcohol is insanely addictive and not only does it not address the pain, it enhances it.
So I asked, were you drinking to self-medicate depression?
No, he said, I was depressed because I was drinking.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 48
Originally Posted by MindfulMan
I concur with what Dandy said above....what a HUGE tolerance for toxic relationships, you might want to look at that with a therapist.
This guy sounds like a hot mess. I wouldn't necessarily blame all of this on his drinking, he may have an underlying dual diagnosis personality disorder or mood disorder on top of it. But the drinking is definitely a part of it. I concur with everything above about the addict behavior PLUS add on a potential mental illness. It's hard to tease apart the mental illness from the comorbid substance use disorder, and if he manages to stop his addictions he may be able to begin to work on the other stuff, but we're talking a lot of ifs and a long time frame. I'm not a psychiatrist or psychologist so this is just my take from reading an online post....but I'm a dual diagnosis ex-addict/alcoholic and I've been through this, so lots of understanding.
I'd say that the odds of this guy coming to a place where he can have a meaningful relationship with anyone without years of treatment (if then) are slim to none, and slim's out of town. Given the relatively brief period you have invested in this relationship, if it were me I'd run away. Screaming.
This guy sounds like a hot mess. I wouldn't necessarily blame all of this on his drinking, he may have an underlying dual diagnosis personality disorder or mood disorder on top of it. But the drinking is definitely a part of it. I concur with everything above about the addict behavior PLUS add on a potential mental illness. It's hard to tease apart the mental illness from the comorbid substance use disorder, and if he manages to stop his addictions he may be able to begin to work on the other stuff, but we're talking a lot of ifs and a long time frame. I'm not a psychiatrist or psychologist so this is just my take from reading an online post....but I'm a dual diagnosis ex-addict/alcoholic and I've been through this, so lots of understanding.
I'd say that the odds of this guy coming to a place where he can have a meaningful relationship with anyone without years of treatment (if then) are slim to none, and slim's out of town. Given the relatively brief period you have invested in this relationship, if it were me I'd run away. Screaming.
He kept saying we would get married up until 2 weeks ago (10 months) and now is flipping what he says. Even his mother is worried he may be bipolar. She can't figure out hkw we would go from moving in together to not. She is worried he may do something bad.
He says he doesn't think he is. He would never harm himself. There is always something good.
Even after him saying all of this he says he still wants to work things out. Last night he says he does love ne but the feeling isnt as intense anymore. He wants to spenf more time together and have fun instead of fighting.
I wonder sometimes if he does have a personality disorder or his just really good at manipulating a situation. I know my tolerance for bad behavior is low. But it sure feels like I've done all the wrong in this situation. He says no, it is both of us.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I know my tolerance for bad behavior is low
it's not THAT low - look at all the bad behavior you have tolerated so far.
you get to decide when you've had enough getting your chain yanked. and words and deeds not matching up.
it's not THAT low - look at all the bad behavior you have tolerated so far.
you get to decide when you've had enough getting your chain yanked. and words and deeds not matching up.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 48
Originally Posted by biminiblue
Let's stop talking about him for a minute. No more mind-reading or armchair psychoanalysis.
Leochic, why do you believe you DESERVE to be treated this way? You're getting something out of this.
Leochic, why do you believe you DESERVE to be treated this way? You're getting something out of this.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Originally Posted by Leochic06
I guess because he still calls qnd spends time with me. It doesn't seem like that bad of behavior. He isn't verbally or physically abusive. So I always thought the bad behavior was due to the drinking.
Let's assume then that the bad behavior is only because of the drinking. (Which I don't think is the case.)
If it is - even so - you cannot stop him from drinking AND he says he wants to break up.
Why do you want to be with someone who has said he wants to break up?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by Leochic06
I guess because he still calls qnd spends time with me. It doesn't seem like that bad of behavior. He isn't verbally or physically abusive. So I always thought the bad behavior was due to the drinking.
If this group seems to be raining on your day, please remember this comes from experience. A relationship with an active addict is not fun.
Where does it go from here. What does your future look like. Let's say a year from now you two are still going along, as you have been up until now and he decides he still wants to get married and you do get married.
Then what? You can't seriously consider having children with an alcoholic, that is a whole other level of dysfunction. Unless you want to basically be a single parent with an alcoholic on the sidelines. So if you want children, that's something to consider.
Read the posts around here of the partner who suffers, raising the children around an addict. It's horrible for children and horrible for the spouse.
If that is the case (you are looking for a long term committed relationship in your life) you are just burning daylight here. You don't deserve to be treated with anything less than respect at all times, whether someone is drunk or not.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
telemarketers call too. doesn't mean we pick and the phone and chat.
whenever we classify something as not THAT bad, what are we really saying? at least he didn't hit me? that's not exactly a selling point. at least he only stole alcohol from my parents, not the good china?
you are selling yourself way short here. taking crumbs of attention. from someone who can't make up their mind on anything. yet you cling to whatever words he says....well the ones you want to hear anyways. when he said he wanted to get married, you wanted to hear that.
but when he said he didn't want to be in a relationship with you anymore, you didn't want to hear that.
when he wanted to move in, that was great.
but when he changed his mind, you didn't want to accept that.
whenever we classify something as not THAT bad, what are we really saying? at least he didn't hit me? that's not exactly a selling point. at least he only stole alcohol from my parents, not the good china?
you are selling yourself way short here. taking crumbs of attention. from someone who can't make up their mind on anything. yet you cling to whatever words he says....well the ones you want to hear anyways. when he said he wanted to get married, you wanted to hear that.
but when he said he didn't want to be in a relationship with you anymore, you didn't want to hear that.
when he wanted to move in, that was great.
but when he changed his mind, you didn't want to accept that.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
It really comes down to this:
Originally Posted by Leochic06
Is the relationship worth keeping?
Originally Posted by biminiblue
Why do you want to be with someone who has said he wants to break up?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 48
Everyone has made some really good points. I've taken the step to check out some codependency books my therapist recommended. It comes down to how on the first dats I knew he was trouble. I just didn't want to admit it. So i'm taking steps to explore that.
Member
Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 51
Been reading your comments and it’s weighed heavily on me today. Our stories have similarities and I feel for you. It is very difficult to just not want to be with a man you’ve grown so close to yet he is dealing with issues you can’t fix. I miss my ex today. Every single day. It’s been almost two weeks since he cut me out of his life and I’m anguished. There is no switch to flip your feelings off. You, like me, see the good things in him and know he IS a good person, yet he has a BAD problem. Every day I struggle trying to make sense of something I can’t. You can analyze and pick apart every thing he does good or bad but the one simple fact is that he is an addict. It’s hard not knowing what truths or lies come out of their mouths. I wonder exactly what was said to me that was real. I’m sure you do too. As I sit here writing to you there really is no definite right answer as to what you should do because I’m not in your shoes. You love him and like me I think we are the type of people who just don’t walk away because times get tough. I know I don’t. You have to determine what is right for you. What are you willing to put up with and sacrifice for him. Would he do it for you? My ex promised me he would never let me go as he once did before. I believed him. And now I sit here crushed because he did just what he said he wouldn’t. Addicts will do and say anything to appease you in the moment. I’ve had to learn that the very hard way. It’s tough not knowing if he’s ok but I’m not so I can’t worry about him when I have to take care of me now. All I can say is take care of you. You matter.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 48
Originally Posted by Soseking75
Been reading your comments and it’s weighed heavily on me today. Our stories have similarities and I feel for you. It is very difficult to just not want to be with a man you’ve grown so close to yet he is dealing with issues you can’t fix. I miss my ex today. Every single day. It’s been almost two weeks since he cut me out of his life and I’m anguished. There is no switch to flip your feelings off. You, like me, see the good things in him and know he IS a good person, yet he has a BAD problem. Every day I struggle trying to make sense of something I can’t. You can analyze and pick apart every thing he does good or bad but the one simple fact is that he is an addict. It’s hard not knowing what truths or lies come out of their mouths. I wonder exactly what was said to me that was real. I’m sure you do too. As I sit here writing to you there really is no definite right answer as to what you should do because I’m not in your shoes. You love him and like me I think we are the type of people who just don’t walk away because times get tough. I know I don’t. You have to determine what is right for you. What are you willing to put up with and sacrifice for him. Would he do it for you? My ex promised me he would never let me go as he once did before. I believed him. And now I sit here crushed because he did just what he said he wouldn’t. Addicts will do and say anything to appease you in the moment. I’ve had to learn that the very hard way. It’s tough not knowing if he’s ok but I’m not so I can’t worry about him when I have to take care of me now. All I can say is take care of you. You matter.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by Leochic06
I'm so sorry! I know all of the things I just can't disconnect and it worries me. I know being with him is keeping me from the right thing. I just can't seem to leave. I do feel like in a lot of things I did were wrong. Even if we fixed the communication issues in our relationship it doesn't take away the substance dependence.
You can disconnect, you are not allowing yourself to.
Play the tape forward, what if you do? Will you be sad forever? No. Will you go on to find someone more suitable for you - absolutely.
First, doing the work on why you would allow yourself to be treated poorly is really in order and I'm glad you are looking in to this.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 48
Originally Posted by trailmix
You know what, relationships aren't supposed to be this hard.
You can disconnect, you are not allowing yourself to.
Play the tape forward, what if you do? Will you be sad forever? No. Will you go on to find someone more suitable for you - absolutely.
First, doing the work on why you would allow yourself to be treated poorly is really in order and I'm glad you are looking in to this.
You can disconnect, you are not allowing yourself to.
Play the tape forward, what if you do? Will you be sad forever? No. Will you go on to find someone more suitable for you - absolutely.
First, doing the work on why you would allow yourself to be treated poorly is really in order and I'm glad you are looking in to this.
I am not saying this because I'm codependent. But I did pick to many fights that weren't fighting. Silly dumb stuff. I don't regret picking the fights in regards to his substance abuse. But a lot of other ones I feel bad about. He basically drank more because I was so controlling.
If I felt I had done the best in my relationship it wouldnt be that hard. But sometimes I feel like I never just enjoyed the relationship.
All of these issues I know are huge signs of codependency. I started reading the book: Codependent No More.
Today I've barely heard from him. Although he says he is just with work. Ironically he works in the beer industry which further complicstes things.
However yestersay he said he is feeling a lot better about things and he's happy about the direction we are headed.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Originally Posted by Leochic06
He basically drank more because I was so controlling.
100% no, no, no.
He drank because he is an alcoholic. End of story.
You cannot MAKE him drink. You cannot make him NOT drink. You do not have that much power of him or anyone else.
Member
Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 51
Me bring in what was a similar situation I would never tell you to leave. It’s a choice you need to make for yourself. Had my ex not dumped me two weeks ago I’d still be with him too as the heart cannot just let go. Don’t apologize for anything. I’m not one to judge because I know firsthand his difficult this is. I live everyday NOT knowing how my ex is and it’s driving me crazy. If you stay then you stay. I would never push you to make any decision you are not 100% ready to make. Only you walk in your shoes each day knowing what you want . My only suggestion would be to ask him if he really wants you his life. If so how far will he go to do just that. That’s the part we don’t really know. What really do they want ? What’s real. Some things we might never get the answers to. You just gotta figure out you. I’ll keep praying for you. It hurts to know other people are feeling what I’be felt and are dealing with. Keep reading your books and keep praying. You are never alone. God will not leave you.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 674
My alcoholic said that if I lived with him, he would be so happy, he wouldn't have to drink.
This was a very long time ago, and I didn't know any better. You believe what you want to believe.
It wasn't long after I moved in that I became the "reason" he drank. If only I trusted that he wouldn't drink, he wouldn't drink....crazy, crazy, crazy.
I left for my own sanity, and when I left, he had no one to blame but himself and his addiction.
By the time I left, I had been here and I knew it was the right thing to do.
I am not saying that it always works out, but I know I was lucky.
This was 9 years ago, and now we are happily living together for the past 6 years.
I do know that if you take care of yourself and your needs, you will not go wrong.
This was a very long time ago, and I didn't know any better. You believe what you want to believe.
It wasn't long after I moved in that I became the "reason" he drank. If only I trusted that he wouldn't drink, he wouldn't drink....crazy, crazy, crazy.
I left for my own sanity, and when I left, he had no one to blame but himself and his addiction.
By the time I left, I had been here and I knew it was the right thing to do.
I am not saying that it always works out, but I know I was lucky.
This was 9 years ago, and now we are happily living together for the past 6 years.
I do know that if you take care of yourself and your needs, you will not go wrong.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
