Boyfriend in Recovery and Need Advice
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Join Date: May 2019
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Boyfriend in Recovery and Need Advice
Hello everyone. My boyfriend has had a drinking problem for many years. He and I have been together for a little over a year, and our relationship has been rocky to say the least. We're both in our 40s and have been previously married, with children. In the time we've been together he's been in and out of detox and rehab several times, only to start drinking again when he gets out. Drinking has caused many problems in his life and he's lost everything he once had, including his career, his family, and his home. Most recently he spent 90 days at a treatment facility out of state. He was temporarily homeless when he returned, and began drinking again. He was briefly hospitalized where he was able to detox. He eventually got a spot at a sober house, where he's been living for the last week.
I'm not even sure how to explain what's going on. Ever since he's been at the sober house he's been very distant. And when we do speak, his behavior toward me is different. It's like he's a bit cold. It takes him hours to respond to texts. He doesn't initiate phone calls and he doesn't return mine. His responses are flat. I've never seen him like this. It's like I'm dealing with a different person.
The change in his behavior and lack of communication is causing me a lot of anxiety. This is the first time as far as I know that he's been sober outside of a rehab. He's coming and going of his own free will, doing odd jobs, living life. Without alcohol. I know this must be extremely difficult for him, just living life without that crutch he's had for so long. That plus having to get accustomed to the rules, the frequent AA meetings, sharing quarters with others in recovery... I'm sure it's a lot for him. He's basically lost everything due to drinking, and in order to rebuild his life he's got to focus every piece of his energy on staying sober. I know that's hard.
His recovery is the most important thing right now. I realize that and I know I can't really have any expectations of him. I want to be there to support him, but if he's not communicating I'm not sure how to do that. I offered my support, and he knows I'm there for him and that I love him, so I guess there is nothing else to do except back away and give him space.
Al Anon says to let go of trying to control the situation and put the focus on me. I try so hard to do that but I feel a bit lost without him. All of this forces me to think about if this is something I really want to remain involved with. I love him and he is a wonderful person. But the fact is that at least for the foreseeable future, he will not be able to provide what I need in a relationship. If I'm honest with myself I realize that it's been that way all along because of his drinking.
I guess I'm just not sure what to do here. Call? Not call? Ask him if he wants to meet for coffee? Offer to talk? Ask him if he needs space? Wants to break up? Ask him straight out what's going on and what he wants? Just stay quiet? Do nothing? Advice from anyone who's been there would be appreciated. Thanks!
I'm not even sure how to explain what's going on. Ever since he's been at the sober house he's been very distant. And when we do speak, his behavior toward me is different. It's like he's a bit cold. It takes him hours to respond to texts. He doesn't initiate phone calls and he doesn't return mine. His responses are flat. I've never seen him like this. It's like I'm dealing with a different person.
The change in his behavior and lack of communication is causing me a lot of anxiety. This is the first time as far as I know that he's been sober outside of a rehab. He's coming and going of his own free will, doing odd jobs, living life. Without alcohol. I know this must be extremely difficult for him, just living life without that crutch he's had for so long. That plus having to get accustomed to the rules, the frequent AA meetings, sharing quarters with others in recovery... I'm sure it's a lot for him. He's basically lost everything due to drinking, and in order to rebuild his life he's got to focus every piece of his energy on staying sober. I know that's hard.
His recovery is the most important thing right now. I realize that and I know I can't really have any expectations of him. I want to be there to support him, but if he's not communicating I'm not sure how to do that. I offered my support, and he knows I'm there for him and that I love him, so I guess there is nothing else to do except back away and give him space.
Al Anon says to let go of trying to control the situation and put the focus on me. I try so hard to do that but I feel a bit lost without him. All of this forces me to think about if this is something I really want to remain involved with. I love him and he is a wonderful person. But the fact is that at least for the foreseeable future, he will not be able to provide what I need in a relationship. If I'm honest with myself I realize that it's been that way all along because of his drinking.
I guess I'm just not sure what to do here. Call? Not call? Ask him if he wants to meet for coffee? Offer to talk? Ask him if he needs space? Wants to break up? Ask him straight out what's going on and what he wants? Just stay quiet? Do nothing? Advice from anyone who's been there would be appreciated. Thanks!
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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This is probably not what you want to hear, my friend, but you pretty much ARE dealing with a different person. He's been using alcohol to numb uncomfortable feelings for a long time. Without that mechanism he has no choice but to feel them all unfettered--not just new ones, but all of those old ones as well.
I think your instinct to step back and give him space is spot on. But you don't have to do nothing. You can start working out why letting go is so hard. Why you "feel lost" without him. Relationships with alcoholics are by nature not healthy relationships. What drew you to this one? What makes you want to hang on to someone who, by your own admission, has not been able to provide what you need in a relationship for a long time?
I think your instinct to step back and give him space is spot on. But you don't have to do nothing. You can start working out why letting go is so hard. Why you "feel lost" without him. Relationships with alcoholics are by nature not healthy relationships. What drew you to this one? What makes you want to hang on to someone who, by your own admission, has not been able to provide what you need in a relationship for a long time?
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Location: W Washington
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In the time we've been together he's been in and out of detox and rehab several times, only to start drinking again when he gets out. Drinking has caused many problems in his life and he's lost everything he once had, including his career, his family, and his home. Most recently he spent 90 days at a treatment facility out of state. He was temporarily homeless when he returned, and began drinking again. He was briefly hospitalized where he was able to detox. He eventually got a spot at a sober house, where he's been living for the last week.
as an active mother in her 40s i'd probably step back and ask myself why i keep signing up for all this chaos when it is not MINE.
as an active mother in her 40s i'd probably step back and ask myself why i keep signing up for all this chaos when it is not MINE.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
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It's like I'm dealing with a different person.
He probably doesn’t even know who he is right now or what he wants.
Something we always say around here is, it’s all in their actions not their words. His actions are…
he's been very distant
when we do speak, his behavior toward me is different.
he's a bit cold.
It takes him hours to respond to texts.
He doesn't initiate phone calls and he doesn't return mine
His responses are flat.
Not what you want to hear but it appears to me these are the actions of someone who doesn’t want to be in a relationship, for whatever reason his actions are speaking that pretty loudly.
Again something you don’t want to hear but if he’s serious about his sobriety this time, he’s going to get rid of everything and everyone from his drinking days. Sadly you and that relationship are a causality of those drinking days.
If I were you I’d do nothing and allow this ill-fated relationship to die it’s natural death.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Hi Apltre10 and welcome to SR.
Lots of information here. In particular there are a number of topics and threads here that might be of interest to you:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
It's a painful time I'm sure. As others have mentioned, he is not the same person. That is another reason why being a relationship with an addict is such a roller coaster. Even if they are "sober" for a few days or weeks, doesn't mean they are actually really sober or thinking straight.
That takes recovery and recovery takes time.
It's a recurring post here, where the SO enters rehab and becomes distant. It's also not really surprising, sad, but not surprising. Imagine what you have relied on as your emotional crutch for years was just pulled out from under you.
Perhaps something easier for you to imagine is all the coping skills you have - what you do when you are hurt or confused or upset or frustrated etc - gets lost overnight. I'm not an alcoholic but I imagine that is a huge part of recovery. Granted everyone has some coping skills but it has to be minimum for a true alcoholic, in general because it's not practiced.
I know that doesn't help YOU at all, just maybe with some understanding.
Just know there is exactly zero wrong with focusing on yourself. It doesn't mean you are selfish, it means you are looking out for yourself in a kind way. Be kind to yourself.
No, it won't take away the pain, it's just a start at self care and self focus which perhaps you haven't had much of?
Your self care is the most important thing right now actually but I know what you mean. In fact no, you can't have any expectations of him right now EXCEPT to be treated with kindness and respect at all times.
Lots of information here. In particular there are a number of topics and threads here that might be of interest to you:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
It's a painful time I'm sure. As others have mentioned, he is not the same person. That is another reason why being a relationship with an addict is such a roller coaster. Even if they are "sober" for a few days or weeks, doesn't mean they are actually really sober or thinking straight.
That takes recovery and recovery takes time.
It's a recurring post here, where the SO enters rehab and becomes distant. It's also not really surprising, sad, but not surprising. Imagine what you have relied on as your emotional crutch for years was just pulled out from under you.
Perhaps something easier for you to imagine is all the coping skills you have - what you do when you are hurt or confused or upset or frustrated etc - gets lost overnight. I'm not an alcoholic but I imagine that is a huge part of recovery. Granted everyone has some coping skills but it has to be minimum for a true alcoholic, in general because it's not practiced.
I know that doesn't help YOU at all, just maybe with some understanding.
Just know there is exactly zero wrong with focusing on yourself. It doesn't mean you are selfish, it means you are looking out for yourself in a kind way. Be kind to yourself.
No, it won't take away the pain, it's just a start at self care and self focus which perhaps you haven't had much of?
His recovery is the most important thing right now. I realize that and I know I can't really have any expectations of him.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
I want to be there to support him, but if he's not communicating I'm not sure how to do that. I offered my support, and he knows I'm there for him and that I love him, so I guess there is nothing else to do except back away and give him space.
theres a high probability that your idea of support isnt the support an alcoholic starting recovery needs.
what does support look like to you? just my opinion but it reads like your idea of support is more controlling than supporting.
giving him his space is supporting him.
theres a high probability that your idea of support isnt the support an alcoholic starting recovery needs.
what does support look like to you? just my opinion but it reads like your idea of support is more controlling than supporting.
giving him his space is supporting him.
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Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 51
My boyfriend was in a rehab for only three days and he was very distant while he was there. He could call and accept calls so I called once a day. That's it. He didn't talk much but to hear his voice was calming. Once he got out the whole being distant thing was still there and he didn't return to calling me every morning as he did before he entered rehab. The daily routine changed and boy did I worry!
I panicked every morning cause he used to ALWAYS call me before I went to work. I tried to be patient knowing the meds were in his system and making him different. At one point I did say I thought he was acting distant but was it from meds and were we ok? With him acting in such that way I just wanted to confirm.
I will say this now.. I wish I had not pressed on this Matter with him. He knew he acted different but for me to say he was acting distant put pressure on him . The reason I say this is because he just broke up with me last Thursday and he mentioned I had said he was distant and it was too much pressure. Of course I'm sure his choice to dump me had more reasons than that alone I still wish I would've just been quiet but just as I care about him you care about your boyfriend.
The best advice I can give you is to be patient. It's tough! I don't have a lot of patience but sitting here alone missing the one person who owns my heart is way tougher than anything. My ex started drinking again so the distance thing kindve diminished but yet he turned on me and said he just couldn't have a relationship.
You have to choose what you feel is best for him as he is experiencing changes. We can't judge them for their newfound actions as they really don't know themselves sober and they probably panic like we do. Give him Space. I think he will come around when he's ready.
Work on yourself now as he is. Find things to keep you busy. Go workout. I'm glad your bf is in recovery. Mine is no longer mine and isn't going to Anyolace I guess. I think he thinks he can do it alone. My thoughts are he will just drink again. The viscious cycle that we all dread.
Good luck and keep us updated on the progress!!!
I panicked every morning cause he used to ALWAYS call me before I went to work. I tried to be patient knowing the meds were in his system and making him different. At one point I did say I thought he was acting distant but was it from meds and were we ok? With him acting in such that way I just wanted to confirm.
I will say this now.. I wish I had not pressed on this Matter with him. He knew he acted different but for me to say he was acting distant put pressure on him . The reason I say this is because he just broke up with me last Thursday and he mentioned I had said he was distant and it was too much pressure. Of course I'm sure his choice to dump me had more reasons than that alone I still wish I would've just been quiet but just as I care about him you care about your boyfriend.
The best advice I can give you is to be patient. It's tough! I don't have a lot of patience but sitting here alone missing the one person who owns my heart is way tougher than anything. My ex started drinking again so the distance thing kindve diminished but yet he turned on me and said he just couldn't have a relationship.
You have to choose what you feel is best for him as he is experiencing changes. We can't judge them for their newfound actions as they really don't know themselves sober and they probably panic like we do. Give him Space. I think he will come around when he's ready.
Work on yourself now as he is. Find things to keep you busy. Go workout. I'm glad your bf is in recovery. Mine is no longer mine and isn't going to Anyolace I guess. I think he thinks he can do it alone. My thoughts are he will just drink again. The viscious cycle that we all dread.
Good luck and keep us updated on the progress!!!
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Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 2
I found this site two days ago because I am going through the same thing.
It was not until I moved in with him, did I realize how much he was drinking. And on medications for anxiety & depression. He hid it very well from everyone! Then he hit rock bottom over the holidays and I was both pissed and concerned.
His mother and I had hit it off immediately and I called his parents and told them what was going on. I felt like I was tattling on a child but I was coming home from work to find him face down. I was honestly concerned about his welfare.
Before detox we had an amazing relationship. After detox, sober life is all about his stress and anxiety. And trying to get on healthy amount of medication, exercise and diet. One medicine even made him flinch if I touched him! No sex. Cold demeanor. Distant. No text messages you know the rest. . . I have turned into a caregiver not a girlfriend. And not to mention how it is effecting my self esteem.
I am happy he is 4 months sober and working again but WOW.
I decided to do ME in the meantime. I take day trips on my days off I am looking for a new job and I joined a meet up group. Not a group where everyone talks about his recovery, but something I am interested in! I don't know what else to do. But you are not alone!!!! I am so stressed I have lost 20lbs and my skin looks like I am going through puberty.
I will stay patient and I will be strong but it's time for some balance. Please let us know how it turns out or what works for you. I am sincerely interested in what you do.
It was not until I moved in with him, did I realize how much he was drinking. And on medications for anxiety & depression. He hid it very well from everyone! Then he hit rock bottom over the holidays and I was both pissed and concerned.
His mother and I had hit it off immediately and I called his parents and told them what was going on. I felt like I was tattling on a child but I was coming home from work to find him face down. I was honestly concerned about his welfare.
Before detox we had an amazing relationship. After detox, sober life is all about his stress and anxiety. And trying to get on healthy amount of medication, exercise and diet. One medicine even made him flinch if I touched him! No sex. Cold demeanor. Distant. No text messages you know the rest. . . I have turned into a caregiver not a girlfriend. And not to mention how it is effecting my self esteem.
I am happy he is 4 months sober and working again but WOW.
I decided to do ME in the meantime. I take day trips on my days off I am looking for a new job and I joined a meet up group. Not a group where everyone talks about his recovery, but something I am interested in! I don't know what else to do. But you are not alone!!!! I am so stressed I have lost 20lbs and my skin looks like I am going through puberty.
I will stay patient and I will be strong but it's time for some balance. Please let us know how it turns out or what works for you. I am sincerely interested in what you do.
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Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply and share your insight. And thank you for the reminder that my well being is most important to me! His recovery is the most important thing to him, but my own life and happiness is the most important thing to me.
My boyfriend came to visit the other night. We had a good time and it was a nice night together. We had a talk about things. He reassured me that he loves me, everything is okay, and said that he doesn't want to take a break and/or space. He told me he's just still getting acclimated to being in the house, and busy with all the things he needs to do (find work, go to meetings, etc). I understand all of it, and I know even though he says he doesn't want space, it's best to lay off. I can do that, I just wish I could somehow let go, and know that if it's meant to be, it will work out. Instead I worry and angst. I check the phone and worry when I don't hear from him, and fret over whether I should or should not reach out. I don't know how to stop doing that. I don't think I was prepared for this change in him. I thought he would be the same, just sober. I've always known him to be animated, talkative, responsive, communicative (and yes, also a little chaotic and crazy). It's like his volume was always turned up to 10. Now that he's sober, his volume has been turned down to a 2. Again, it's not a bad thing... just different. Much different than what I've been used to. I follow all the advice about trying to do things for myself, but I think of him so much. I'm reading the Al Anon literature and going to meetings as much as I can to try to keep the focus on myself and do what's best for me.
My boyfriend came to visit the other night. We had a good time and it was a nice night together. We had a talk about things. He reassured me that he loves me, everything is okay, and said that he doesn't want to take a break and/or space. He told me he's just still getting acclimated to being in the house, and busy with all the things he needs to do (find work, go to meetings, etc). I understand all of it, and I know even though he says he doesn't want space, it's best to lay off. I can do that, I just wish I could somehow let go, and know that if it's meant to be, it will work out. Instead I worry and angst. I check the phone and worry when I don't hear from him, and fret over whether I should or should not reach out. I don't know how to stop doing that. I don't think I was prepared for this change in him. I thought he would be the same, just sober. I've always known him to be animated, talkative, responsive, communicative (and yes, also a little chaotic and crazy). It's like his volume was always turned up to 10. Now that he's sober, his volume has been turned down to a 2. Again, it's not a bad thing... just different. Much different than what I've been used to. I follow all the advice about trying to do things for myself, but I think of him so much. I'm reading the Al Anon literature and going to meetings as much as I can to try to keep the focus on myself and do what's best for me.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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I'm glad you had the nice evening together and he reassured you a bit. Do you trust him? If so then I expect you trust his word.
You are used to the chaos which has now gone, that alone will take getting used to. You are used to the animated living on the edge guy, he's gone.
So yes, lots of adjustment.
Taking care of yourself, focusing on yourself will also take time, the chaos of the addict becomes the focus, generally. You have probably isolated yourself a bit? Now would be a good time to spend time with family and friends.
You are used to the chaos which has now gone, that alone will take getting used to. You are used to the animated living on the edge guy, he's gone.
So yes, lots of adjustment.
Taking care of yourself, focusing on yourself will also take time, the chaos of the addict becomes the focus, generally. You have probably isolated yourself a bit? Now would be a good time to spend time with family and friends.
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Join Date: Jul 2019
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Originally Posted by Apltre10 
Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply and share your insight. And thank you for the reminder that my well being is most important to me! His recovery is the most important thing to him, but my own life and happiness is the most important thing to me.
My boyfriend came to visit the other night. We had a good time and it was a nice night together. We had a talk about things. He reassured me that he loves me, everything is okay, and said that he doesn't want to take a break and/or space. He told me he's just still getting acclimated to being in the house, and busy with all the things he needs to do (find work, go to meetings, etc). I understand all of it, and I know even though he says he doesn't want space, it's best to lay off. I can do that, I just wish I could somehow let go, and know that if it's meant to be, it will work out. Instead I worry and angst. I check the phone and worry when I don't hear from him, and fret over whether I should or should not reach out. I don't know how to stop doing that. I don't think I was prepared for this change in him. I thought he would be the same, just sober. I've always known him to be animated, talkative, responsive, communicative (and yes, also a little chaotic and crazy). It's like his volume was always turned up to 10. Now that he's sober, his volume has been turned down to a 2. Again, it's not a bad thing... just different. Much different than what I've been used to. I follow all the advice about trying to do things for myself, but I think of him so much. I'm reading the Al Anon literature and going to meetings as much as I can to try to keep the focus on myself and do what's best for me.
My boyfriend came to visit the other night. We had a good time and it was a nice night together. We had a talk about things. He reassured me that he loves me, everything is okay, and said that he doesn't want to take a break and/or space. He told me he's just still getting acclimated to being in the house, and busy with all the things he needs to do (find work, go to meetings, etc). I understand all of it, and I know even though he says he doesn't want space, it's best to lay off. I can do that, I just wish I could somehow let go, and know that if it's meant to be, it will work out. Instead I worry and angst. I check the phone and worry when I don't hear from him, and fret over whether I should or should not reach out. I don't know how to stop doing that. I don't think I was prepared for this change in him. I thought he would be the same, just sober. I've always known him to be animated, talkative, responsive, communicative (and yes, also a little chaotic and crazy). It's like his volume was always turned up to 10. Now that he's sober, his volume has been turned down to a 2. Again, it's not a bad thing... just different. Much different than what I've been used to. I follow all the advice about trying to do things for myself, but I think of him so much. I'm reading the Al Anon literature and going to meetings as much as I can to try to keep the focus on myself and do what's best for me.
this resonants with me so much! The same thing I’m going through. I was so use to a loud “turned up to ten” version of my boyfriend that when he got sober I felt like someone turned him down to two. But from reading all the other threads this seems like the normal course of things. It’s hard to switch from someone you had to constantly check on and be with and was always at his most (his ten) and now is focusing on themselves and is reserved. It’s like I’m a caregiver and I got an entirely different patient that doesn’t need me around as much. For lack of a better wording.
Just know you arent alone and with time will come the healing and the affection. It’s just a process. Sadly one that takes a lot of time.
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