PrettyViolets

My kids do not know the truth about their father's alcoholism. They were very young and their father has been in recovery over five years. We have my son going to a counselor. I feel like his father tries to control the counseling sessions. My husband does not really open up and my son like treats the counseling sessions the same. He likes playing games in the counseling sessions. But he struggles with anger and other things. He can get really upset.

I am afraid that my kids will learn about the truth from someone else and that it will upset them more. I want the truth to come from us. I want the truth to really come from their father because it is really his truth to tell them and hopefully my kids will learn more from him.

The truth from me would be a little distorted. . . "Mommy was not just crazy with filing for divorce twice (with two divorces timing out) and moving you to the inlaws when you were young. Mommy loved you with all of her heart."

I wanted them to grow up in a safe place. I wanted them to have a yard to run around and play in. I wanted my kids to have friends.

But the other truth that I would tell them is that I am not perfect either. I have a shopping addiction and I am in debt. I need to get that in control. I try to buy my kids really good clothes so that people will treat them well. I buy my kids really nice gifts and toys. It is almost like I am trying to put a bandaid on their life with those toys. But it is a real addiction to be so people pleasing with everyone else. It is like we are trying to be so perfect. The truth is that I cannot be perfect anymore. It is killing me financially. It is killing me inside. I feel like I am hitting rock bottom with this shopping addiction. But more so I am hitting rock bottom with keeping all of these secrets from my kids.

joey8262

there IS no good age-I'll take to my grave the regret i have for letting my son see it-I had sole custody and an enabling gf who was DETERMINED to see me having to send him back to his mum.....10 years down the drain.

sounds like your husband shares the same sense of shame as i did-that's why he steers conversations and keeps relatively squeaky clean in the eyes of the kids..........the only down side to it is that the kids normally twig on long before you think they will-mine did.

it's a tricky conversation but they may surprise you-and it'll take the stress of the elephant in the room-it may also help with the shopping issue if that's how you're dealing with things-cause and effect

Sleepyhollo

My kid was 6 when my ex went to rehab and that is when everyone found out about his problem, no one knew. He was always tired and stressed from his job and that was an acceptable excuse. When he went to rehab (very unexpectedly and abruptly, like from one day to the next) we initially told her that he had a booboo in his stomach and that he needed to go to a special hospital to get treatment because we needed time to think about how to address it appropriately without freakin pg her out. She is usually very inquisitive and observant but somehow when we went to visit him she never questioned why he wasn’t in a hospital bed or in place that resembled a hospital. Towards the end of rehab (during Xmas break) I had one on one time with her (no school, relaxed setting etc) and found a couple of books that I read to her first and then I explained what was really going on with her dad. Then shortly before she turned 7 she went to a Betty Ford program for kids that was 4 days. She learned about addiction and the need to express emotions, that addiction is a disease that they (the addict) have no control over. They are not bad people they just have a disease. It is important that they understand that addiction =/= bad person. She learned that she was not responsable for her dads drinking (not that she thought that as she was unaware he was an alcoholic but many kids do). Anyway, it was a really good program and and I highly recommend it, maybe you can contact them and see what books they recommend. They also have a series about Beamer the lightbulb that is very good and age appropriate for addiction (my kid got it in the the program). It is really important that your kids learn about addiction as they will be prone to it as well under the « right » circumstances. From the little you have told here I get the feeling there is still a lot of dysfunctional communication and secret keeping regarding addiction and that is a good set up for kids to follow in the footsteps of dysfunction and possibly addiction.you did not mention how old your kiddo is, I also don’t understand how your husband is controlling counseling? If it is family therapy then a good counselor would put a stop to that. Did your husband do any actual treatment for his addiction (did he seek treatment/therapy) or did he just quit and not do anything else’s? My ex’ dad quit drinking on his own in his later years but he was basically a dry drunk who was a grump until the end of his life. Quitting without seeking treatment is often really tough as they no longer have their one coping skill to deal with stress and issues so they are not much better to live with. It sounds like you also would benefit from therapy for you self proclaimed addiction to shopping and people pleasing.
Keeping secrets from kids will backfire in the long run. They likely know something isn’t right and they will come up with their own stories of what is going on. Teaching them août addiction and not making it taboo with serve them better. In rehab they told us that those anti drug campaigns really are pretty useless for kids that have a predisposition to addiction. What they need to learn is to express their feeling and emotions, to have open communication whenever they need to and not to keep their feeling hidden in fear of how their parent or people may react. I did not grow up in an alcoholic household nor am I an addict but I certainly grew up in a family where we did not talk about stuff that bothered us and it obviously has affected me in a bad way. The analogy was that you carry around a back pack and you add rocks every time you keep emotions/feeling to yourself. Over time the back pack fills up and becomes heavy and makes it hard to do your daily activities because the backpack weighs you down. Until you start emptying out your back back (exprès your feelings) it only gets worse. Some of us become addicts and some of us become rescuers/pleasers. Kids are never too young to learn about the need to exprès feelings and have their feeling validated (feeling are rarely wrong, they just are) .
Try to find some books that talk about addictions (I can’t recommend since mine were not in English ) and maybe contact Betty Ford children’s program for material advice. They have programs in Texas, Colorado and California so if you happen to be in one of those states I would highly recommend it if you kids is between 7-12. My kid knows all about addiction and she is allowed to talk about it . Her dad does not hide the fact that he is in recovery. It is not a secret, he owns it and that is really important.
Does your kiddo do play therapy (again, not sure how old he is)? Having a therapist that is very familiar with addiction is important. Sounds like the whole family still has a lot to work on to be honest. Sobriety is so much more than quitting the substance. If underlying behaviors are not addressed the dysfunction will just continue and you son will grow up with that. He may not end up an addiction but he will likely continue the people pleasing cycle and that will be harmful as well.