Next Step
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Join Date: Oct 2017
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Next Step
I hope it's okay to post another update so soon. As I said in my other thread, this is helping to keep me sane.
I've been checking things off my to-do list little by little. I'm been at my friend's house for a little over a week with my essentials. I got my finances separated from AH. I contacted the landlord and arranged a move out date. I even put on my big girl pants and talked to AH in person about his future plans and my desire to have a conversation about splitting up our belongings. He was totally dejected and looked absolutely miserable, which made it hard not to want to hug him. He still hasn't told anyone as far as I know.
I haven't been to the house since we talked on Monday. It was untidy when I was there, and it seems he's living off of fast food and beer. I hate seeing him like this. I hate knowing I've made him so miserable but I have the clarity now to see that I was just as miserable in our marriage before I made this choice. It's actually been a little liberating not speaking to him or seeing each other. I feel like I can breathe and I hope that's okay to say. I know I'm going to be alright when the dust settles, but I can't say the same for him and I hate that because I still love him very much and the urge to take care of him still is inside me.
Tomorrow I'm going shopping for all new furniture for my new apartment. I'll get to see my sister as well, for the first time since I told her I was leaving AH and I can't wait to hug her.
My next big step is moving the rest of my belongings out of the house...I know I told AH I wanted to discuss dividing our stuff but part of me is hesitant. I know it'll be horrible, awkward, and uncomfortable. I could deal with most of that but I guess I'm worried about how he'll act and what kind of response I'll get. My sister told me to just take what I need/want and worst case scenario I'll have to give it back in the divorce. All I want is the brand new bed we just got (which I feel is mostly mine since he hardly ever slept in it), and some of the kitchenware.
So I guess where I'm at now is going about that. Do I try and have the conversation about who gets what, or do I just move out what's mine when he's not home and leave it at that? I keep thinking it's cruel to just disappear all my stuff from our house but he knows now this is really happening. I haven't been there in over a week. And I really don't want to go back at all because I hate seeing him in the state he is in. I need my stuff, though, and I also need to make sure the house is move-out ready. There are some things the landlord asked me to take care of.
Ugh. Three weeks until I'm in my new place. Can't come fast enough. I just feel like I'm in limbo right now.
I've been checking things off my to-do list little by little. I'm been at my friend's house for a little over a week with my essentials. I got my finances separated from AH. I contacted the landlord and arranged a move out date. I even put on my big girl pants and talked to AH in person about his future plans and my desire to have a conversation about splitting up our belongings. He was totally dejected and looked absolutely miserable, which made it hard not to want to hug him. He still hasn't told anyone as far as I know.
I haven't been to the house since we talked on Monday. It was untidy when I was there, and it seems he's living off of fast food and beer. I hate seeing him like this. I hate knowing I've made him so miserable but I have the clarity now to see that I was just as miserable in our marriage before I made this choice. It's actually been a little liberating not speaking to him or seeing each other. I feel like I can breathe and I hope that's okay to say. I know I'm going to be alright when the dust settles, but I can't say the same for him and I hate that because I still love him very much and the urge to take care of him still is inside me.
Tomorrow I'm going shopping for all new furniture for my new apartment. I'll get to see my sister as well, for the first time since I told her I was leaving AH and I can't wait to hug her.
My next big step is moving the rest of my belongings out of the house...I know I told AH I wanted to discuss dividing our stuff but part of me is hesitant. I know it'll be horrible, awkward, and uncomfortable. I could deal with most of that but I guess I'm worried about how he'll act and what kind of response I'll get. My sister told me to just take what I need/want and worst case scenario I'll have to give it back in the divorce. All I want is the brand new bed we just got (which I feel is mostly mine since he hardly ever slept in it), and some of the kitchenware.
So I guess where I'm at now is going about that. Do I try and have the conversation about who gets what, or do I just move out what's mine when he's not home and leave it at that? I keep thinking it's cruel to just disappear all my stuff from our house but he knows now this is really happening. I haven't been there in over a week. And I really don't want to go back at all because I hate seeing him in the state he is in. I need my stuff, though, and I also need to make sure the house is move-out ready. There are some things the landlord asked me to take care of.
Ugh. Three weeks until I'm in my new place. Can't come fast enough. I just feel like I'm in limbo right now.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
emmab…..If I were in your shoes....I would follow your sister's advice, also...…
You know what belongs to you and what belongs to him. For example....you know what his personal items are...and what may be cherished items...like antiques from his family and gifts given to him by family members....
As for things that the two of you acquired, together....I say--take what you NEED....and, those things that are especially cherished,, by you, more than him....
Like your sister said....you can give back anything that he really objects to your having taken.
This is something practical that HAS to take place.....so, don't draw it out by your own "false guilt" feelings.....
This is a natural consequence of alcoholism and the effects on the marriage....it cannot be avoided.....
As for the "things that your landlord asked you to take care of"....I suggest that you pay someone to take care of those things for you....by hired housecleaners and a handyman/woman....
Do everything you can to make this necessary process as quick and painless for yourself, as possible.....
I realize that this probably sounds cold, to you....but, I see it as self preservation...…
He is going to have his own feelings and emotions,,,which you have no control over...as, they belong to him, alone....
You can't live inside his head/skin.....
You know what belongs to you and what belongs to him. For example....you know what his personal items are...and what may be cherished items...like antiques from his family and gifts given to him by family members....
As for things that the two of you acquired, together....I say--take what you NEED....and, those things that are especially cherished,, by you, more than him....
Like your sister said....you can give back anything that he really objects to your having taken.
This is something practical that HAS to take place.....so, don't draw it out by your own "false guilt" feelings.....
This is a natural consequence of alcoholism and the effects on the marriage....it cannot be avoided.....
As for the "things that your landlord asked you to take care of"....I suggest that you pay someone to take care of those things for you....by hired housecleaners and a handyman/woman....
Do everything you can to make this necessary process as quick and painless for yourself, as possible.....
I realize that this probably sounds cold, to you....but, I see it as self preservation...…
He is going to have his own feelings and emotions,,,which you have no control over...as, they belong to him, alone....
You can't live inside his head/skin.....
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 200
I had to respond because I can totally relate to your post today! See my update on my thread - I just saw my XAH house today two months after me moving out and he’s also surviving on booze and living in a hovel! I cried when I left. My cats are with him as I’m in a rented and they are neglected. He’s feeding them but the long haired one is matted and their litter tray was disgusting it’s only a matter of time before they start to soil in the house. My urge was to clean up but I had to walk away it’s now his sword to fall upon.
I paid someone to fix a couple of things at the last house we rented together and got a gardener to tidy the garden. It was easier and more practical. You got this x
I paid someone to fix a couple of things at the last house we rented together and got a gardener to tidy the garden. It was easier and more practical. You got this x
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
This so frequently happens...when left to their own devices...they are unable to even manage the minimal tasks of daily living.....
Yes...it IS sad to witness.....And, I think it highlights just how much they depended on us...and, how much we may have "enabled" them...even if we didn't think we were doing so,,,,
Reminds me...sort of...of the movie "What about Schmidt?"
Yes...it IS sad to witness.....And, I think it highlights just how much they depended on us...and, how much we may have "enabled" them...even if we didn't think we were doing so,,,,
Reminds me...sort of...of the movie "What about Schmidt?"
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by emmab219 
I hate seeing him like this. I hate knowing I've made him so miserable but I have the clarity now to see that I was just as miserable in our marriage before I made this choice.
You don't have the ability to make anyone miserable, just as nobody can make you miserable. As you say, we have choices when we step back, find some clarity and are honest with ourselves. We always have choices about what to think, how to respond, with whom we spend our time, etc. Every single one of us lives the result of our choices. If someone is miserable, it's not because anyone else has made them experience that, it's because the person is living the result of his choices. Most of us live in an area in which there's plentiful help for alcoholics who are miserable. The only thing standing between a miserable alcoholic and a better life is the choice to reach out for help. Nobody can make the alcoholic reach out for help and nobody can make the alcoholic remain in misery. (Same for those of us who love an alcoholic.) Whether we are miserable or on the upswing is always the choice of the individual.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 573
I hate knowing I've made him so miserable...
He has a choice in all of this, you know. He doesn't have to be miserable. In fact, this would be a perfect opportunity for him to "man up" and show you what he's made of by getting his life together. That's what I did, and I tell you, it never would have happened had my ex given in. He has options. To wallow in one's misery and play oh poor me is not the way to someone's heart. Until he takes responsibility, you can expect more of the same. Why should you carry guilt for his actions? Hugs to you.
He has a choice in all of this, you know. He doesn't have to be miserable. In fact, this would be a perfect opportunity for him to "man up" and show you what he's made of by getting his life together. That's what I did, and I tell you, it never would have happened had my ex given in. He has options. To wallow in one's misery and play oh poor me is not the way to someone's heart. Until he takes responsibility, you can expect more of the same. Why should you carry guilt for his actions? Hugs to you.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 94
Thanks everyone, your support is much appreciated and needed at the moment.
Just feeling sort of like I’m drowning at the moment. The commute to work from my friend’s house is costing me a fortune in gas. Struggling to see how I can afford three more weeks of this. And I only get paid once a month so I’m living off of basically nothing here. Relying on a credit card and savings to get me through, which I hate doing. The financial burden of this is hitting me really hard and I feel like I’m never going to catch up.
I miss my my house and all my belongings, I miss my short commute, my bed, etc and wish he could’ve left instead of me. I’m trying to find one day to get everything else out, but having a hard time planning it considering I need help moving bigger items and I certainly don’t want to be moving things when AH is there. We haven’t seen or spoken to each other in almost a week now which is a weird feeling. While before I was periodically dividing my time between home and my friend’s, I feel like it’d be way too awkward and uncomfortable for me to be at my house while he’s there. Even though on my late nights at work I catch myself wanting to just go home and have a place to sleep.
Plus there’s a lot we need to discuss as far as bills and such. Especially considering I don’t think he’s paying for anything right now and has just said “forget it” in regard to responsibility. The only two that effect me directly are the car payment (which I will make sure is taken care of since I have the car) and medical insurance. We just got healthcare right before all of this, and today I got a notice the bill is past due. He’s supposed to have some sort of arrangement with his boss where they split the cost (a stipend in a way) and I don’t think AH is going to take care of it at all which screws me over.
While no contact seems great in theory, I just don’t think it’s realistic right now because it feels like there are a ton of loose ends that could end up costing more in the long run. I feel very in the dark and don’t trust him to take care of the house, should he also be moving out (I don’t know because I haven’t spoken to him). I definitely don’t trust him to keep up with the bills. And I just really don’t know what to do here to not dig myself into more of a hole.
I think I need to talk to him and texts and calls can easily be ignored so I might have to do it in person.
Just feeling sort of like I’m drowning at the moment. The commute to work from my friend’s house is costing me a fortune in gas. Struggling to see how I can afford three more weeks of this. And I only get paid once a month so I’m living off of basically nothing here. Relying on a credit card and savings to get me through, which I hate doing. The financial burden of this is hitting me really hard and I feel like I’m never going to catch up.
I miss my my house and all my belongings, I miss my short commute, my bed, etc and wish he could’ve left instead of me. I’m trying to find one day to get everything else out, but having a hard time planning it considering I need help moving bigger items and I certainly don’t want to be moving things when AH is there. We haven’t seen or spoken to each other in almost a week now which is a weird feeling. While before I was periodically dividing my time between home and my friend’s, I feel like it’d be way too awkward and uncomfortable for me to be at my house while he’s there. Even though on my late nights at work I catch myself wanting to just go home and have a place to sleep.
Plus there’s a lot we need to discuss as far as bills and such. Especially considering I don’t think he’s paying for anything right now and has just said “forget it” in regard to responsibility. The only two that effect me directly are the car payment (which I will make sure is taken care of since I have the car) and medical insurance. We just got healthcare right before all of this, and today I got a notice the bill is past due. He’s supposed to have some sort of arrangement with his boss where they split the cost (a stipend in a way) and I don’t think AH is going to take care of it at all which screws me over.
While no contact seems great in theory, I just don’t think it’s realistic right now because it feels like there are a ton of loose ends that could end up costing more in the long run. I feel very in the dark and don’t trust him to take care of the house, should he also be moving out (I don’t know because I haven’t spoken to him). I definitely don’t trust him to keep up with the bills. And I just really don’t know what to do here to not dig myself into more of a hole.
I think I need to talk to him and texts and calls can easily be ignored so I might have to do it in person.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
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I guess now I’m wondering if I should call the apartment complex and see if it’s possible to move in earlier so I don’t have to commute like this...and maybe bite the bullet and ask my parents for money until I get paid again.
I feel like one heck of a hot mess right now!
I feel like one heck of a hot mess right now!
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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well, a "talk" probably is not going to make him see the light and suddenly get responsible. why don't you start by writing down all the bills and expenses and make sure that you get your name off of anything related to the house. it's likely you might need proof of a new address and/or new accounts. having a plan is always key.
be careful you aren't using the "bills and stuff" topic as an excuse to make contact. actually an email is the best way to communicate as it puts your concerns etc in writing. he of course can use the delete key, but a trail still exists. be very clear about what it is you wish to communicate, keep it simple, and stay on topic.
be careful you aren't using the "bills and stuff" topic as an excuse to make contact. actually an email is the best way to communicate as it puts your concerns etc in writing. he of course can use the delete key, but a trail still exists. be very clear about what it is you wish to communicate, keep it simple, and stay on topic.
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Well he doesn't have an email that he checks regularly...maybe like once a month. The best I could do is a text or a letter through the mail. I definitely would rather not contact him if I don't have to, but I hate feeling like all these things are happening out of my control. The last thing I want to do is screw myself over for future healthcare because he didn't pay our premium, or for the landlord to get on my case because he left the house in disarray, you know?
I'm trying to stay clearheaded but I'm very much a person who is used to handling things and seeing him not handle things that effect me is making me a little crazy.
I'm trying to stay clearheaded but I'm very much a person who is used to handling things and seeing him not handle things that effect me is making me a little crazy.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
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Well I think I learned last night communicating with him is not going to be easy considering how angry he is with me.
This is so silly and ridiculous, but last night I got a Facebook notification that it was AH and I's eight year 'Facebook Friendship Anniversary'. I should've just ignored it, but I was feeling sad and nostalgic so I clicked to open the message so I could view old photos/messages Facebook had pulled from over the years. Not sure what I clicked, but it sent a pre-written message to AH saying 'Happy Friend Anniversary'. Totally an accident, but very awkward considering we've had no communication since last Monday.
Pretty much immediately I got a message back before I could apologize or explain that it was an accident. I got a "Thanks, ********" from him. Then he actually called me to berate me. Called me a few more names, didn't believe the message was an accident, thanked me for making him feel shittier than he already does and hung up on me.
Wow.
This from an almost 40 year old man. I'm just floored at how hostile he's being. It's like I don't even know him. So I guess maybe there isn't any talking to him at this point. I just get my stuff out and deal with everything else in the fall out.
This is so silly and ridiculous, but last night I got a Facebook notification that it was AH and I's eight year 'Facebook Friendship Anniversary'. I should've just ignored it, but I was feeling sad and nostalgic so I clicked to open the message so I could view old photos/messages Facebook had pulled from over the years. Not sure what I clicked, but it sent a pre-written message to AH saying 'Happy Friend Anniversary'. Totally an accident, but very awkward considering we've had no communication since last Monday.
Pretty much immediately I got a message back before I could apologize or explain that it was an accident. I got a "Thanks, ********" from him. Then he actually called me to berate me. Called me a few more names, didn't believe the message was an accident, thanked me for making him feel shittier than he already does and hung up on me.
Wow.
This from an almost 40 year old man. I'm just floored at how hostile he's being. It's like I don't even know him. So I guess maybe there isn't any talking to him at this point. I just get my stuff out and deal with everything else in the fall out.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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Yeah, emma I think adult conversations are going to be impossible at this point.
He's hurt and lashing out. I know it seems ridiculous - and it is - but this is how people act in breakups and especially if they are under the influence and have lost their natural politeness filter.
As far as health insurance: my ex husband removed me from all the insurance and didn't tell me. We weren't divorced yet and technically I could have fought that in court, but I didn't. I just got my own insurance.
The landlord has been notified that you are out of the house. You could have a walk-through with the landlord to verify the condition of the property NOW so any new damage is on your husband.
It's going to be messy for a while.
Hang on. I survived it, and thrived afterwards. The first few months are difficult but you are going to be so glad you did this, and the money will eventually sort itself out.
The bad news is You aren't in charge of him any more so you have no control (terrifying for codependents, I know.)
The good news is You aren't in charge of him any more. Yay!
Like they say, any relationship I had to let go of had claw marks on it. Letting go is the only way to peace.
He's hurt and lashing out. I know it seems ridiculous - and it is - but this is how people act in breakups and especially if they are under the influence and have lost their natural politeness filter.
As far as health insurance: my ex husband removed me from all the insurance and didn't tell me. We weren't divorced yet and technically I could have fought that in court, but I didn't. I just got my own insurance.
The landlord has been notified that you are out of the house. You could have a walk-through with the landlord to verify the condition of the property NOW so any new damage is on your husband.
It's going to be messy for a while.
Hang on. I survived it, and thrived afterwards. The first few months are difficult but you are going to be so glad you did this, and the money will eventually sort itself out.
The bad news is You aren't in charge of him any more so you have no control (terrifying for codependents, I know.)
The good news is You aren't in charge of him any more. Yay!
Like they say, any relationship I had to let go of had claw marks on it. Letting go is the only way to peace.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 94
Thank you...hearing that helps. The loss of control is terrifying. I can deal with everything else. I’m a worrier as it is, but all of this is just pushing me over the edge.
I wish time would move a little faster so this part could be past me.
I wish time would move a little faster so this part could be past me.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Originally Posted by emmab219
Thank you...hearing that helps. The loss of control is terrifying. I can deal with everything else. I’m a worrier as it is, but all of this is just pushing me over the edge.
I wish time would move a little faster so this part could be past me.
I wish time would move a little faster so this part could be past me.
I remember that feeling of wanting to crawl out of my own skin because I wanted to feel better.
Sometimes it's one hour at a time or one minute at a time.
You will get through this, honest - and you'll have learned the lesson(s) that so many of us had to learn the hard way. I'm sorry you have had this happen. My divorce was the best thing that ever happened to me (in hindsight, of course.) I used it as the pain that brought me back to myself. I was in so much pain I had no choice but to find out how and why I let that happen, and how to avoid it in the future.
If you can find it, read, "The Dance of Anger." Great book.
((hug))
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,417
Get your stuff with dad or other people.
Having landlord meet you at that time is a good idea but expect house to be a mess.
Keep that savings account until he is moved out and deposit is resolved.
He is drinking his money away. Assume the worst as far as bills go and you won't get blindsided--I would contact creditors you are accountable to directly.
It may be time to lawyer up and get free initial consult to know your rights and possible credit rating impacts.
Separation is filed, yes?
Don't engage via phone or in person.
You can do this
Having landlord meet you at that time is a good idea but expect house to be a mess.
Keep that savings account until he is moved out and deposit is resolved.
He is drinking his money away. Assume the worst as far as bills go and you won't get blindsided--I would contact creditors you are accountable to directly.
It may be time to lawyer up and get free initial consult to know your rights and possible credit rating impacts.
Separation is filed, yes?
Don't engage via phone or in person.
You can do this
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by emmab219
The loss of control is terrifying. I can deal with everything else. I’m a worrier as it is, but all of this is just pushing me over the edge.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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Yeah. That was my point, Fallen Angelina.
emma, you can't change people. Someone I trust said that to me as I was going through the breakup.
I got divorced AND I learned how to deal with my dysfunctional relationships during that time and since by digging really deeply into that one Truth. My deep-seated need for control and my worrying never got me anywhere. It was so freeing to learn that I had no control, so I could quit tying myself in knots trying to fix/rescue/soothe/save/hide/keep secrets.
I have no control over other people. Only my reaction to them. How can I best serve my own serenity? That's the thing that can actually make a difference in my life.
emma, you can't change people. Someone I trust said that to me as I was going through the breakup.
I got divorced AND I learned how to deal with my dysfunctional relationships during that time and since by digging really deeply into that one Truth. My deep-seated need for control and my worrying never got me anywhere. It was so freeing to learn that I had no control, so I could quit tying myself in knots trying to fix/rescue/soothe/save/hide/keep secrets.
I have no control over other people. Only my reaction to them. How can I best serve my own serenity? That's the thing that can actually make a difference in my life.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
What I learned in recovery is that what I perceived as a "loss of control" was really just me recognizing that I never actually had the control I thought I did. When our interests fall out line with the interests of those around us, we feel like we're losing control, which is scary.
But if we accept that other people have the right to behave any way they like--whether we understand it/like it or not, we're free to focus on the things we can control--our responses, our actions moving forward, and our own safety and comfort.
But if we accept that other people have the right to behave any way they like--whether we understand it/like it or not, we're free to focus on the things we can control--our responses, our actions moving forward, and our own safety and comfort.
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I'm trying to come to terms with that. I can't change him. And he has the right to act how he would like to...even if it really sucks.
He just texted me that we need to talk in person about the house and go through our belongings. Seemed civil enough until he signed off with a 'f*ck you'.
I am trying so hard to be kind and fair to him, but it makes me want to crawl into a hole when he talks to me like this and treats me like this.
He just texted me that we need to talk in person about the house and go through our belongings. Seemed civil enough until he signed off with a 'f*ck you'.
I am trying so hard to be kind and fair to him, but it makes me want to crawl into a hole when he talks to me like this and treats me like this.
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