XAH can’t even look after the cats..
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 200
XAH can’t even look after the cats..
When we separated I took the dog, my daughters cat and three guineapigs. I paid an extra bond to my reluctant landlady in order to have them.
XAH took our other two cats they are bonded and are older. Both go out a lot and he has a catflap.
Bear in mind this is a man that’s always had cats as pets and therefore has experience of their behaviour. I can’t believe how far his alcoholism seems to have destroyed all common sense or desire to even attempt to do basic things.
He put a cat litter tray in his kitchen for the initial settling in period but still let them out after just two days because he’d already “had enough of them meowing”. One of the cats then didnt return for days but thankfully did. But this did upset my kids and they were posting up lost appeals on Facebook etc. One of the cats is very long haired and when I saw her two weeks ago I observed she had become very matted so he’s clearly not grooming her. (He did used to enjoy grooming her even when drunk he’d sit there with a brush so I thought this might continue)
so last night i get a drunken phone call from XAH absolutely RANTING that the cats are urinating all over his house and that they have to go. He said he doesn’t care what anyone says or his upset it makes us but he’s fed up of the place stinking of cats pee. There was no point in arguing or pointing out that he needs more than one litter tray or that he needs to tidy up because they are using the things on the floor to pee on. They are clearly upset animals. I just said we will discuss it today when he’s calmed down.
His house is clearly still a hovel. He fell out of the bath 6 weeks ago and pulled the shower curtain down as he fell, and it remained on the bathroom floor. He told me two days ago our cat had peed on it.
So im now facing a dilemma - I don’t think my landlady will approve me taking in two more cats plus I’m not sure it’ll work as my house is much smaller than the one we moved out of. But these are our family pets and they don’t deserve to be victims of this alcoholic mess. My kids love them and would be devastated if we had to rehome them.
Its been a shock if I’m honest - XAH “loved” the cats and would sit for hours with them on his lap (wine in hand obvs) and talk about them as if they were his babies... now he’s rapidly declined and is unable to care for himself let alone two cats.
I guess pets are a victim of alcoholism as much as humans in this respect. It’s just made me so sad.
XAH took our other two cats they are bonded and are older. Both go out a lot and he has a catflap.
Bear in mind this is a man that’s always had cats as pets and therefore has experience of their behaviour. I can’t believe how far his alcoholism seems to have destroyed all common sense or desire to even attempt to do basic things.
He put a cat litter tray in his kitchen for the initial settling in period but still let them out after just two days because he’d already “had enough of them meowing”. One of the cats then didnt return for days but thankfully did. But this did upset my kids and they were posting up lost appeals on Facebook etc. One of the cats is very long haired and when I saw her two weeks ago I observed she had become very matted so he’s clearly not grooming her. (He did used to enjoy grooming her even when drunk he’d sit there with a brush so I thought this might continue)
so last night i get a drunken phone call from XAH absolutely RANTING that the cats are urinating all over his house and that they have to go. He said he doesn’t care what anyone says or his upset it makes us but he’s fed up of the place stinking of cats pee. There was no point in arguing or pointing out that he needs more than one litter tray or that he needs to tidy up because they are using the things on the floor to pee on. They are clearly upset animals. I just said we will discuss it today when he’s calmed down.
His house is clearly still a hovel. He fell out of the bath 6 weeks ago and pulled the shower curtain down as he fell, and it remained on the bathroom floor. He told me two days ago our cat had peed on it.
So im now facing a dilemma - I don’t think my landlady will approve me taking in two more cats plus I’m not sure it’ll work as my house is much smaller than the one we moved out of. But these are our family pets and they don’t deserve to be victims of this alcoholic mess. My kids love them and would be devastated if we had to rehome them.
Its been a shock if I’m honest - XAH “loved” the cats and would sit for hours with them on his lap (wine in hand obvs) and talk about them as if they were his babies... now he’s rapidly declined and is unable to care for himself let alone two cats.
I guess pets are a victim of alcoholism as much as humans in this respect. It’s just made me so sad.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Hi, I'm sorry this is happening to you, Raining. It happened to me initially too. I think when they sit there playing with pets while drunk or high, it's a show -- "look how much I care about some things." From my point of view, it IS a show. I'm sure deep down inside he loves his cats, dogs, children, spouse... but right now his #1 is his DOC, not even his own body can stop him from destroying it.
I'm sorry to say this but you're going to have to either take the cats or find a new home for them. I said goodbye to a lot of things he owed me and also took on a lot of the burdens he left behind only because I didn't want to interact with him anymore (that would have just prolonged the drama... and my trauma). Because you have children together, this is so much more complicated.
But in a way, it is not.
1. If he is still actively drinking and can't even keep his house tidy for CATS (not dogs, mind you, cats, who are "generally" easier to look after), he can't be trusted with kids... or anything else that needs a drop of care.
2. The cats are getting in the way of his drinking. That's how it is now. It's drinks all the time, every day, every hour, every minute. Cat needs a brush? That will interrupt his drinking. Cat box needs scooping? That will interrupt his drinking. So... be prepared to hear from a hospital soon if you have not already.
So sorry about this. The cats are clearly upset or they would not be peeing all over the place.
I'm sorry to say this but you're going to have to either take the cats or find a new home for them. I said goodbye to a lot of things he owed me and also took on a lot of the burdens he left behind only because I didn't want to interact with him anymore (that would have just prolonged the drama... and my trauma). Because you have children together, this is so much more complicated.
But in a way, it is not.
1. If he is still actively drinking and can't even keep his house tidy for CATS (not dogs, mind you, cats, who are "generally" easier to look after), he can't be trusted with kids... or anything else that needs a drop of care.
2. The cats are getting in the way of his drinking. That's how it is now. It's drinks all the time, every day, every hour, every minute. Cat needs a brush? That will interrupt his drinking. Cat box needs scooping? That will interrupt his drinking. So... be prepared to hear from a hospital soon if you have not already.
So sorry about this. The cats are clearly upset or they would not be peeing all over the place.
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Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 395
Oh I can feel & relate to your stress! I’m so sorry! Sharing beloved pets with an addict is unbearable at times... and makes things very difficult in terms of detaching & keeping boundaries. It pulls you right back in!
I shared 4 dogs (2 were initially mine, 2 were hers), a rabbit, chickens, & many others w/my XAGF throughout the years. It was a source of great stress for me. I’m a huge animal lover. Our dogs were all seniors & needed a great deal of care.
Looking back, it was hell! I’d come home to urine-soaked rugs... poop everywhere... medications not given, etc! She’d even drive all of our dogs while drinking & hit deer a few times. Once, got into a major accident hitting a massive deer at midnight... she called me at 2am... all the dogs had survived thankfully but wow was I angry! Grrrr
I couldn’t bare to keep them with her. I asked a close friend to take in one of my dogs (she ran a doggy daycare)... I privately told her the situation & she agreed to help me for free! I was so thankful. My dog lived there for 3-4 months until he passed after. He was happy & very loved! I also had to find a group to take in my rabbit. It took some research but relieved me big time.
Everyone is different in terms of how they deal with animals but there are options. It’s up to you what you’re comfortable with... as it’s emotional no matter what!
Depending on where you live... call rescue groups. Some can help with finding a foster family. I work with animals now so I have many suggestions for you. There are also many resources on Instagram... re: rescue groups, animal fosters, cat community groups. The cat community is very active!
I shared 4 dogs (2 were initially mine, 2 were hers), a rabbit, chickens, & many others w/my XAGF throughout the years. It was a source of great stress for me. I’m a huge animal lover. Our dogs were all seniors & needed a great deal of care.
Looking back, it was hell! I’d come home to urine-soaked rugs... poop everywhere... medications not given, etc! She’d even drive all of our dogs while drinking & hit deer a few times. Once, got into a major accident hitting a massive deer at midnight... she called me at 2am... all the dogs had survived thankfully but wow was I angry! Grrrr
I couldn’t bare to keep them with her. I asked a close friend to take in one of my dogs (she ran a doggy daycare)... I privately told her the situation & she agreed to help me for free! I was so thankful. My dog lived there for 3-4 months until he passed after. He was happy & very loved! I also had to find a group to take in my rabbit. It took some research but relieved me big time.
Everyone is different in terms of how they deal with animals but there are options. It’s up to you what you’re comfortable with... as it’s emotional no matter what!
Depending on where you live... call rescue groups. Some can help with finding a foster family. I work with animals now so I have many suggestions for you. There are also many resources on Instagram... re: rescue groups, animal fosters, cat community groups. The cat community is very active!
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
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I would call your local shelter, explain the situation, and ask if someone can foster the cats for a month or so until you come up with a plan. Offer to provide food and litter.
They may say no, but you've nothing to lose by asking. The last cat I fostered belonged to someone who wasn't sure she could take care of him. She'd just had a baby, and Marley [the cat] was diabetic, requiring shots twice a day. I had him for...five months. We fell in love with him. If I didn't already have a cat, I might have kept him, but widowed, not making a ton of money, I couldn't.
I'd add that, drunk or not, there's not much can do to avoid hitting a deer. (says the woman who realized in a split second before her windshield shattered the deer *thought* it could jump over a car.)
They may say no, but you've nothing to lose by asking. The last cat I fostered belonged to someone who wasn't sure she could take care of him. She'd just had a baby, and Marley [the cat] was diabetic, requiring shots twice a day. I had him for...five months. We fell in love with him. If I didn't already have a cat, I might have kept him, but widowed, not making a ton of money, I couldn't.
I'd add that, drunk or not, there's not much can do to avoid hitting a deer. (says the woman who realized in a split second before her windshield shattered the deer *thought* it could jump over a car.)
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Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 395
Velma, very true... hitting deer is common unfortunately in many areas. But driving drunk with 4 dogs in the middle of the night (re: complete darkness up in the mountains) is just asking for trouble... it’s unacceptable & dangerous.
Re: fostering — agree, great suggestion! I work with a lot of people that foster full-time where I live.
Re: fostering — agree, great suggestion! I work with a lot of people that foster full-time where I live.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
I'm really sorry to hear about this. I agree with the previous poster who said that this suggests the cats are under stress, if they're peeing in places where they never peed before.
I second the suggestion to contact the local SPCA or RSPCA and ask if it's possible to bring the animals in on a short-term emergency basis while you find another place for them. Be sure to stress that this is an emergency - you're not looking for free animal boarding. There is a chance that the animals might be rehomed, but that would be better than the situation they're in right now. Depending on the age of your kids, they may or may not understand that.
FWIW I have a sibling with significant cognitive and developmental delays - and even he is able to look after his two cats on his own (food, water, change litter, clip claws, pet them). It sounds like your ex is going downhill.
I second the suggestion to contact the local SPCA or RSPCA and ask if it's possible to bring the animals in on a short-term emergency basis while you find another place for them. Be sure to stress that this is an emergency - you're not looking for free animal boarding. There is a chance that the animals might be rehomed, but that would be better than the situation they're in right now. Depending on the age of your kids, they may or may not understand that.
FWIW I have a sibling with significant cognitive and developmental delays - and even he is able to look after his two cats on his own (food, water, change litter, clip claws, pet them). It sounds like your ex is going downhill.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
I was just reminded of a case a while ago where a person was attempting to jump off a building. Emergency workers, police and his friends and relatives were below, trying to convince him not to do it. Desperate for a solution, one of the cops ran off and brought the man's cat to the scene. This was the only thing that worked: when your family and friends are not enough, your pets are everything.
Nothing is enough for your ex anymore. Eventually, he will feel that he can't even drink enough to make himself happy (or at least unconscious). I guess I am saying this because I don't want you to feel responsible for anything that happens to him -- he is living the consequences of his past choices, and he can still make better future choices IF he wants to seek help.
In the past, I have made the mistake of trying to "rescue" an addict (okay, my ex) who was letting his pets go dirty, unfed, and also his residence smelled like animal poop (and looked pretty awful too). The only thing this did for me was... nothing. He wasn't good for the pets, he wasn't good for me. I deeply regret making those choices.
Nothing is enough for your ex anymore. Eventually, he will feel that he can't even drink enough to make himself happy (or at least unconscious). I guess I am saying this because I don't want you to feel responsible for anything that happens to him -- he is living the consequences of his past choices, and he can still make better future choices IF he wants to seek help.
In the past, I have made the mistake of trying to "rescue" an addict (okay, my ex) who was letting his pets go dirty, unfed, and also his residence smelled like animal poop (and looked pretty awful too). The only thing this did for me was... nothing. He wasn't good for the pets, he wasn't good for me. I deeply regret making those choices.
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,254
Common household tasks are of very low priority to alcoholics and addicts. They either oblivious or so focused on themselves and that next high/ buzz everything else is meaningless. Throw in time high or hung over not much else will get done.
I agree with those though that say if he can't take care of cats he probably can't take care of kids the way he should.
I agree with those though that say if he can't take care of cats he probably can't take care of kids the way he should.
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Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 395
Everyone feels differently about animal care in terms of their importance when left in bad or not ideal living conditions.
In my opinion, yes... if health/sanity/safety forces one to leave their animals with their qualifier in dirty or unkept conditions — & they need to keep boundaries or move on emotionally, then that’s all you can do. No blame or judgement.
You have to ultimately make yourself & your children a priority.
But if a person can safely (both emotionally & physically) retrieve those pets & re-home them in a safer or healthier environment... they should. From experience, I was able to do this. And it was important to me.
No blame whatever decision you need to make. Just know there are animal resources out there, in most major cities. Good, caring animal lovers do exist willing to foster or house pets coming from neglect or not ideal living conditions.
much love...
In my opinion, yes... if health/sanity/safety forces one to leave their animals with their qualifier in dirty or unkept conditions — & they need to keep boundaries or move on emotionally, then that’s all you can do. No blame or judgement.
You have to ultimately make yourself & your children a priority.
But if a person can safely (both emotionally & physically) retrieve those pets & re-home them in a safer or healthier environment... they should. From experience, I was able to do this. And it was important to me.
No blame whatever decision you need to make. Just know there are animal resources out there, in most major cities. Good, caring animal lovers do exist willing to foster or house pets coming from neglect or not ideal living conditions.
much love...
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 200
Thanks for the replies. My eldest daughter went over today to XAH house and groomed the long haired cat, cut a lot of knots off her so she’s in a better condition. She went to the shop and bought litter and changed their tray and said he had at least put water and food out for them. So for now I’ve suggested I take the long haired cat only. I’m taking a risk that my landlady won’t find out. The reason being she gets on ok with my daughters cat, the other one doesn’t and he’s a very nervous cat too. He’s not the best with children and he’s been known to attack when he’s very spooked. I’m hoping that without the two cats competing for a litter tray the one cat will settle and start to toilet outside again as he always did. But ultimately I know this is short term solution as XAH cannot be relied upon to get him vaccinated or flea treated wormed etc or get him to a vet if he were ill.
There are rescues yes, it’s just the last resort. XAH saw the kids today and told me he's been put on a list to have a knee replacement op soon! He’s already had an ankle fusion. He’s not going to cope well on crutches living alone, as it is he was a nightmare last time and made our lives hell! so the cats have to be rehomed by then.
Hes not having the kids at his house at all and hasn’t made any moves at all towards encouraging this to even take place. He seems content to take them to macdonalds or the cinema once a week for a couple of hours, and they don’t want to go to his house - so I’m not rocking that boat!
There are rescues yes, it’s just the last resort. XAH saw the kids today and told me he's been put on a list to have a knee replacement op soon! He’s already had an ankle fusion. He’s not going to cope well on crutches living alone, as it is he was a nightmare last time and made our lives hell! so the cats have to be rehomed by then.
Hes not having the kids at his house at all and hasn’t made any moves at all towards encouraging this to even take place. He seems content to take them to macdonalds or the cinema once a week for a couple of hours, and they don’t want to go to his house - so I’m not rocking that boat!
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