Rollercoastering.....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 36
Rollercoastering.....
Yep, I felt like was on a rollercoaster yesterday, but sadly, it wasn't very amusing. I started looking online for apartments to rent in the hopes that one day, I'll get up enough gumption to leave my AH.
Initially I felt excited about it, like starting a new adventure, woohoo. Then came waves of grief, as I mourned what I've lost because I do remember many wonderful times with him. Then rage at my AH and his addiction and what his alcoholism has done to him, so that now I don't even recognize him anymore. Then compassion for him as I know all about his dysfunctional childhood. Then anger at his abusive family, especially his mother, who told me every time we visited how disappointed she was that he wasn't born a girl. Then guilt, because I wondered if perhaps I myself have said something to him at some time that was destructive to his soul, too. Then extreme stress as I realized how difficult it will be to untangle my life from his. Then deep dark depression, as I've wasted the last nine years of our 37 years of marriage on a man who I know now just doesn't want to change. Then shame in my marriage failing, when I am such an overachiever in just about every other area of my life. Then stupid, stupid hope, thinking maybe if I move out one day, it will jolt him out of his delusional mindset, and he will commit himself to recovery and he will be healed. And then again, excitement, thinking maybe this really could be a new adventure for me....
And so the rollercoastering continues...
Thank you for this forum where I can vent!
Initially I felt excited about it, like starting a new adventure, woohoo. Then came waves of grief, as I mourned what I've lost because I do remember many wonderful times with him. Then rage at my AH and his addiction and what his alcoholism has done to him, so that now I don't even recognize him anymore. Then compassion for him as I know all about his dysfunctional childhood. Then anger at his abusive family, especially his mother, who told me every time we visited how disappointed she was that he wasn't born a girl. Then guilt, because I wondered if perhaps I myself have said something to him at some time that was destructive to his soul, too. Then extreme stress as I realized how difficult it will be to untangle my life from his. Then deep dark depression, as I've wasted the last nine years of our 37 years of marriage on a man who I know now just doesn't want to change. Then shame in my marriage failing, when I am such an overachiever in just about every other area of my life. Then stupid, stupid hope, thinking maybe if I move out one day, it will jolt him out of his delusional mindset, and he will commit himself to recovery and he will be healed. And then again, excitement, thinking maybe this really could be a new adventure for me....
And so the rollercoastering continues...
Thank you for this forum where I can vent!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
I empathize. I too rode that rollercoaster for many years... it made me very sick. I'm so very thankful I decided to get off the ride. It wasn't easy, but it was worth it.
I'm glad you are here sheepherder, keep posting, it really does help.
*hugs*
I'm glad you are here sheepherder, keep posting, it really does help.
*hugs*
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
sheepherder.....keep on dreaming about that new apartment and other dreams for your future life...I believe that our dreams are sooo important.....our dreams lead us to our goals....
Same with the grieving....I think that you might be in the process of "pre-grieving" (I made that term up...lol)…..so, that when the time comes, much of it will already be behind you...so, it won't overwhelm you....
I did that with the divorce from my first husband...the father of my three children....grieved in bits and pieces...of course, I didn't realize that I was doing that....
When the time came....I barely shed a tear....
Same with the grieving....I think that you might be in the process of "pre-grieving" (I made that term up...lol)…..so, that when the time comes, much of it will already be behind you...so, it won't overwhelm you....
I did that with the divorce from my first husband...the father of my three children....grieved in bits and pieces...of course, I didn't realize that I was doing that....
When the time came....I barely shed a tear....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 36
Thanks for the responses. I feel the need to vent more and more lately. Must be that "pre-grieving" thing lol.
No, we don't have kids. It was sort of a "meh" moment for both of us, disappointed but not devastated (It may have been even a blessing, but I don't want to start a controversy over that). In fact, personally for me, I think not having children makes it even more difficult to leave him. Yes, we came from different backgrounds (him/horrid, me-normalish), but we were so very similar, had the same goals, had the same tastes in food/art/culture, enjoyed the same activities, relied on and respected each other's opinions, laughed at the same jokes, finished each other's sentences. Certainly not perfect, but happy/fulfilled/satisfied for the first 28 years. I always said we were 90 percent the same.
Why he chose a different path than where we were going is the greatest mystery to me. He comes from a family of alcoholics and hated what it had done to them (one fell to a death from scaffolding, one died from liver disease, marriages destroyed, homelessness). That's why when he started lying to me, I believed him. Why wouldn't I? I wouldn't lie to him, would I? It was so out of character. Of course, he ran out of money before the week's end -- they were collecting for a charity at work (a fellow coworker in trouble, cancer, nuns and little kittens, lol etc). Of course, he was late getting home because of unforeseen circumstances (a huge car accident -- didn't i hear? working hard for a future conference, finishing up a project). Of course, he totally forgot he had taken money from my wallet (it was an emergency and I was busy so he forgot to tell me). Of course, he took all the change I was saving (he had to pay for street parking since the lot was under construction.) Of course, he wasn't at work (he was helping a friend who was having car trouble/ill/hospitalized/marriage problems/needed a shoulder to cry on). Of course, he didn't know where my mother's credit card was (I love her so much, but she's getting so forgetful!). Of course, he hadn't seen my missing jewelry (no worries -- you just misplaced it! It will show up). And all those beer cans in the recycle bin? (Those crazy teenaged kids in the neighborhood, throwing their cans in the bushes as they walked by -- how very dare they). I found out the truth years later....how confused and naive I was....surely he was the nicest, kindest guy I knew! He was just being helpful and kind to others, just what I would do in the same situations. And so it goes on. But sadly, now I don't believe a word he says.
I can't explain why I stay. ("I'm no quitter!" says my Type A personality.) I guess it's just because I miss the person he was, that we were both together, who I remember -- we were, fun, fierce, invincible. I feel like I've lost....me. My life partner who used to be so....lovely. Maybe deep down inside, he's still there. I'm certainly still here, but where is he? I know, I know, what total ridiculousness....
Maybe if I see it in black and white, it will sink in......thanks for letting me vent yet again.....
No, we don't have kids. It was sort of a "meh" moment for both of us, disappointed but not devastated (It may have been even a blessing, but I don't want to start a controversy over that). In fact, personally for me, I think not having children makes it even more difficult to leave him. Yes, we came from different backgrounds (him/horrid, me-normalish), but we were so very similar, had the same goals, had the same tastes in food/art/culture, enjoyed the same activities, relied on and respected each other's opinions, laughed at the same jokes, finished each other's sentences. Certainly not perfect, but happy/fulfilled/satisfied for the first 28 years. I always said we were 90 percent the same.
Why he chose a different path than where we were going is the greatest mystery to me. He comes from a family of alcoholics and hated what it had done to them (one fell to a death from scaffolding, one died from liver disease, marriages destroyed, homelessness). That's why when he started lying to me, I believed him. Why wouldn't I? I wouldn't lie to him, would I? It was so out of character. Of course, he ran out of money before the week's end -- they were collecting for a charity at work (a fellow coworker in trouble, cancer, nuns and little kittens, lol etc). Of course, he was late getting home because of unforeseen circumstances (a huge car accident -- didn't i hear? working hard for a future conference, finishing up a project). Of course, he totally forgot he had taken money from my wallet (it was an emergency and I was busy so he forgot to tell me). Of course, he took all the change I was saving (he had to pay for street parking since the lot was under construction.) Of course, he wasn't at work (he was helping a friend who was having car trouble/ill/hospitalized/marriage problems/needed a shoulder to cry on). Of course, he didn't know where my mother's credit card was (I love her so much, but she's getting so forgetful!). Of course, he hadn't seen my missing jewelry (no worries -- you just misplaced it! It will show up). And all those beer cans in the recycle bin? (Those crazy teenaged kids in the neighborhood, throwing their cans in the bushes as they walked by -- how very dare they). I found out the truth years later....how confused and naive I was....surely he was the nicest, kindest guy I knew! He was just being helpful and kind to others, just what I would do in the same situations. And so it goes on. But sadly, now I don't believe a word he says.
I can't explain why I stay. ("I'm no quitter!" says my Type A personality.) I guess it's just because I miss the person he was, that we were both together, who I remember -- we were, fun, fierce, invincible. I feel like I've lost....me. My life partner who used to be so....lovely. Maybe deep down inside, he's still there. I'm certainly still here, but where is he? I know, I know, what total ridiculousness....
Maybe if I see it in black and white, it will sink in......thanks for letting me vent yet again.....
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Dear sheepherder
I can totally relate.
When we were still together, I drank heavily, we both did. There were some evenings towards the end where I almost left in the middle of the night, even while still drunk.
After I left, I had some "roller coaster" -ish moments from time to time. Sadness over happy events that I couldn't share with him, hearing that he had to put my dog down that I hadn't seen for two years, etc.....
I had to decide to not be driven by my emotions, as difficult as that is. I think a large part of my recovery has consisted of cognitive truths, such as realizing that our relationship, ultimately, was bad for both of us.
I can totally relate.
When we were still together, I drank heavily, we both did. There were some evenings towards the end where I almost left in the middle of the night, even while still drunk.
After I left, I had some "roller coaster" -ish moments from time to time. Sadness over happy events that I couldn't share with him, hearing that he had to put my dog down that I hadn't seen for two years, etc.....
I had to decide to not be driven by my emotions, as difficult as that is. I think a large part of my recovery has consisted of cognitive truths, such as realizing that our relationship, ultimately, was bad for both of us.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 395
"I had to decide to not be driven by my emotions, as difficult as that is. I think a large part of my recovery has consisted of cognitive truths, such as realizing that our relationship, ultimately, was bad for both of us."
Powerful words. Needed to hear that. Thanks, Eauchiche.
sheepherder: sending much inner peace your way! The struggle is unbelievably difficult... thanks for posting...
Powerful words. Needed to hear that. Thanks, Eauchiche.
sheepherder: sending much inner peace your way! The struggle is unbelievably difficult... thanks for posting...
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