Maintaining boundaries while I'm in the hospital
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Join Date: Apr 2019
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Maintaining boundaries while I'm in the hospital
Hoping to get some advice on boundaries.
As I've posted prior, I'm about a month of NC with my AXGF. I moved out, have my own place to live, and doing much better emotionally. The relationship with my ex was quite toxic and from what I learned here & in therapy was the classic definition of "traumatic bonding."
Over the course of five years, I had over 10 major surgeries... lengthy (& difficult) recoveries in the hospital and at home with my ex. Not easy! She'd sober up & care for me 24/7, then as I began to heal... she'd start drinking heavily again, have seizures... end up in the ER... our roles would reverse & I'd be caring for her... day & night. It was just a continuous cycle of pain... healing... more pain, etc.
I will always be thankful she was there for me, but it no longer became a healthy pattern. Thus, I needed to move on.
Well... anxiety crept back into my life today as I began planning for my next surgery in early June. I have total faith in healing by myself, on my own - but I'm worried she's going to visit me at the hospital & that's the very last thing I need or can handle. She knows the date & the hospital because it was scheduled over a month ago... & she knows all my surgeons, all my hospital locations, etc.
How do I keep boundaries while recovering in a hospital bed for a week post major surgery?
I know it sounds like a simple thing... "just tell her to stay away" but it's more complex for me... due to emotional & physical reasons/the combined trauma of all these experiences put together. These surgeries have always put me in a very vulnerable position & seeing her again will just give me a jolt of extreme anxiety. I'll probably have a panic attack.
I could probably give her name to the hospital staff & say that she's not allowed to visit me? Has anyone had a similar situation?
As I've posted prior, I'm about a month of NC with my AXGF. I moved out, have my own place to live, and doing much better emotionally. The relationship with my ex was quite toxic and from what I learned here & in therapy was the classic definition of "traumatic bonding."
Over the course of five years, I had over 10 major surgeries... lengthy (& difficult) recoveries in the hospital and at home with my ex. Not easy! She'd sober up & care for me 24/7, then as I began to heal... she'd start drinking heavily again, have seizures... end up in the ER... our roles would reverse & I'd be caring for her... day & night. It was just a continuous cycle of pain... healing... more pain, etc.
I will always be thankful she was there for me, but it no longer became a healthy pattern. Thus, I needed to move on.
Well... anxiety crept back into my life today as I began planning for my next surgery in early June. I have total faith in healing by myself, on my own - but I'm worried she's going to visit me at the hospital & that's the very last thing I need or can handle. She knows the date & the hospital because it was scheduled over a month ago... & she knows all my surgeons, all my hospital locations, etc.
How do I keep boundaries while recovering in a hospital bed for a week post major surgery?
I know it sounds like a simple thing... "just tell her to stay away" but it's more complex for me... due to emotional & physical reasons/the combined trauma of all these experiences put together. These surgeries have always put me in a very vulnerable position & seeing her again will just give me a jolt of extreme anxiety. I'll probably have a panic attack.
I could probably give her name to the hospital staff & say that she's not allowed to visit me? Has anyone had a similar situation?
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Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 356
I am pretty sure you tell hospital staff that she is not allowed to visit you. These days especially you have to pass security points and check in at nurses station before you can see a patient. You cannot call the hospital and find out what floor or room a patient is at so even if she knows the hospital she still would need to inquire about where you are at. So yes, absolutely make it very clear that this person is not allowed to visit or contact you in any way. You are not the only one that doesn’t want certain people to show up so it is not some weird request, I am sure it happens fairly frequently.
Good luck with your surgery and good for you for sticking to your boundaries
Good luck with your surgery and good for you for sticking to your boundaries
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LCNYC just to say your life sounds terribly hard with all those surgeries and although you sound a little blasé about it, I'm sure its a big drain on you. Hope it goes well.
Ditto with what the others say re putting her down on a do not visit list. You're being very strong.
Ditto with what the others say re putting her down on a do not visit list. You're being very strong.
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Join Date: Apr 2019
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Thanks everyone... crazy how the anxiety comes back... I'm going to try to give the nursing team a heads up & then, hopefully things will go smoothly. Of course I'm hoping she just won't visit... but the chances are pretty great that she'll try.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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I used to volunteer at a hospital. You can absolutely inform the hospital staff when you are admitted that there are certain people who are not allowed to even be given information about your care and condition over the phone--let alone visit you in person. You are in charge of your experience.
I'm sorry you are facing surgery again! You will be in my prayers!
I'm sorry you are facing surgery again! You will be in my prayers!
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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Try not to spend the next few weeks future tripping about what she may or may not do, which you have zero control over. It won't be good for either your physical or emotional recoveries. Take precautions, have a plan with the staff for what happens if she does show up, and then try to let it go.
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SparkleKitty: great reminder! Yet another aspect I have zero control over...
Back to my healing podcasts today to center myself & my thoughts again. You are absolutely right - I need to stay focused on my healing. Thank you.
Back to my healing podcasts today to center myself & my thoughts again. You are absolutely right - I need to stay focused on my healing. Thank you.
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Join Date: Apr 2018
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Originally Posted by Eauchiche 
Just wondering, NYC...
Can you reschedule the surgery to a date she doesn't know about? Just wondered.
Can you reschedule the surgery to a date she doesn't know about? Just wondered.
Good luck with your surgery and recovery.
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Join Date: Apr 2019
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Unfortunately I can’t change my surgery date, or I would. A specialized surgeon is flying in from Europe for only 1 week to perform it...& he comes here only 1x a year.
So I just have to proceed & try not to have anxiety about her showing up. Ridiculous that I’m more worried about her stopping by... than I am of having such a difficult procedure.
Thanks everyone for your support & prayers.
So I just have to proceed & try not to have anxiety about her showing up. Ridiculous that I’m more worried about her stopping by... than I am of having such a difficult procedure.
Thanks everyone for your support & prayers.
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Location: W Washington
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Ridiculous that I’m more worried about her stopping by... than I am of having such a difficult procedure.
that is often one of the underlying motives to getting involved in someone else's chaos.
that is often one of the underlying motives to getting involved in someone else's chaos.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Are you hesitant to formally state that you do not want her to be in your room at the hospital? Would it be easier if you wrote out a longer statement about the things you do and don't want, and slipped in the information about XAGF?
E.g.
1. I am vegetarian - please do not bring meals with meat.
2. Please do not wake me between the hours of X and X.
3. Please do not give information about my condition to anyone without first consulting me. This includes XAGF Name.
4. I get cold easily so please bring me extra blankets at night.
...etc.
I know a lot of nurses and they really appreciate instructions like this - makes their work easier and their patients happier.
E.g.
1. I am vegetarian - please do not bring meals with meat.
2. Please do not wake me between the hours of X and X.
3. Please do not give information about my condition to anyone without first consulting me. This includes XAGF Name.
4. I get cold easily so please bring me extra blankets at night.
...etc.
I know a lot of nurses and they really appreciate instructions like this - makes their work easier and their patients happier.
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I will definitely provide a list of my requests... I'm vegan BTW so you read my mind... ha! I have a perfect opportunity to do so at my pre-op appointment when they'll review all the details of my surgery & will ask for all my contact info, etc.
Because I've had so many surgeries there -- unfortunately she's on all the paperwork & all my surgeons know her... so I'll have to carefully review my entire file & tell my medical team that I don't want her there at all.
Thank you Sasha1972 for laying out the suggestion. Yes, I have anxiety around a lot of aspects because I had so many complications... I'd be under & they'd call her for so many emergencies. I have one close friend that I'll put as my replacement contact but she doesn't know all the details of my body & past surgeries.
All I can do is hope for the best. And think positive thoughts about having a successful surgery.
Because I've had so many surgeries there -- unfortunately she's on all the paperwork & all my surgeons know her... so I'll have to carefully review my entire file & tell my medical team that I don't want her there at all.
Thank you Sasha1972 for laying out the suggestion. Yes, I have anxiety around a lot of aspects because I had so many complications... I'd be under & they'd call her for so many emergencies. I have one close friend that I'll put as my replacement contact but she doesn't know all the details of my body & past surgeries.
All I can do is hope for the best. And think positive thoughts about having a successful surgery.
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Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 319
Sometimes things happen despite our best efforts. You got some great suggestions on planning around avoiding letting her get in. And who knows, maybe she won’t even show up? But worst case scenario, say she somehow makes it through, is there a fear that maybe when you are recovering and vulnerable after a surgery, you might get “triggered”? Maybe have a plan for that? Like, say that does happen, and you do get triggered, you’ll wait at least a week or 2 before acting on anything? And hopefully by that point, the trigger will pass? (or whatever you feel would be best in a worst case scenario situation).
Sometimes having a plan in place for worst case scenarios can ease your mind a little, knowing that no matter what, you will get through it. Also, a whenever I’m going through something very emotional like that, it helps to keep “left brained” activities on hand (puzzles, math, rubik’s cube, a tangled ball of yarn to untangle)- anything like that to get you out of your “emotional mind”. Having something like that to focus on might help a little, the surgery / medical things alone sound like a lot to be dealing with, never mind having a break up on top of it. Having some distractions to focus on can help get a person through it.. Good luck!
Sometimes having a plan in place for worst case scenarios can ease your mind a little, knowing that no matter what, you will get through it. Also, a whenever I’m going through something very emotional like that, it helps to keep “left brained” activities on hand (puzzles, math, rubik’s cube, a tangled ball of yarn to untangle)- anything like that to get you out of your “emotional mind”. Having something like that to focus on might help a little, the surgery / medical things alone sound like a lot to be dealing with, never mind having a break up on top of it. Having some distractions to focus on can help get a person through it.. Good luck!
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pdm22: you nailed it... I do have anxiety about being triggered. Hell, I've failed miserably every single other time... we're talking a lot of surgeries, a lot of breakups, & a lot of failed attempts.
In the past, I've always ended up going back to stay with her (& then... it turned into just living with her). It's difficult to say no when you're hooked up to machines & needing a lot of care... it's a sick mix of actual need, hope for change (that never ultimately happens), codependency/toxic patterns & then, allowing myself to be manipulated by an addict who knows I'll give in.
The good news is... I do feel different now. I'm far more stable... & simply put: at a different point in my life. After being consumed with 5 years of this toxic pattern... I'm finally sick of it & scared to fall back in. I think that's a good thing. In the past, I craved it more than feared it. That's a huge difference.
And wow, I never thought about “left brained” activities & how helpful that would be. Very good suggestion! I don't want my emotions & the feeling of helplessness in that hospital bed getting the better of me! That's when I start to crumble...
In the past, I've always ended up going back to stay with her (& then... it turned into just living with her). It's difficult to say no when you're hooked up to machines & needing a lot of care... it's a sick mix of actual need, hope for change (that never ultimately happens), codependency/toxic patterns & then, allowing myself to be manipulated by an addict who knows I'll give in.
The good news is... I do feel different now. I'm far more stable... & simply put: at a different point in my life. After being consumed with 5 years of this toxic pattern... I'm finally sick of it & scared to fall back in. I think that's a good thing. In the past, I craved it more than feared it. That's a huge difference.
And wow, I never thought about “left brained” activities & how helpful that would be. Very good suggestion! I don't want my emotions & the feeling of helplessness in that hospital bed getting the better of me! That's when I start to crumble...
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I wish you good luck with the surgery and for a speedy uneventful, uninterrupted recovery. I think you received a lot of good advice about putting a plan in place prior, letting your doctors/nurses know not to discuss your case with her anymore, not to call her as your emergency contact and especially not to allow her access to you in the hospital.
Sometimes with all our thoughts going to worries and anxiety with all the what if’s regarding the toxic person showing up, calling, etc., we neglect to prepare for the “nothing”. The no shows, the no phone calls, the no cards, the no inquiring about us, we end up feeling rejected, uncared for and so alone. You are only 1 month of NC after a 5 year relationship, it’s in this very early stages where we often scare ourselves to the point where we run right back into that fire.
Use caution all around.
Sometimes with all our thoughts going to worries and anxiety with all the what if’s regarding the toxic person showing up, calling, etc., we neglect to prepare for the “nothing”. The no shows, the no phone calls, the no cards, the no inquiring about us, we end up feeling rejected, uncared for and so alone. You are only 1 month of NC after a 5 year relationship, it’s in this very early stages where we often scare ourselves to the point where we run right back into that fire.
Use caution all around.
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