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Old 05-17-2019, 07:18 PM   #1 (permalink)
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He is moving on...


discovered last night that my AH is seeing someone. Boy was that ever a blow! I couldn’t stop crying...
I am in the process of moving out, filed for divorce in February and very excited to move into my new house, ready to move on.
I knew this part was going to be emotional but it’s like I just want to burst into tears! It’s driving me crazy!
Mira like I am going through all of the things I went through a long time ago... thinking about all the good times and all the good things about him. Probably because I am hurt that he has moved on already, we are not even divorced yet and still I lost even more respect for him because of this.
i am not letting up. I decided to move out this weekend. My place is painted with new carpet and so I booked the movers for tomorrow. And he is being oh so accommodating. Ugh!
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Old 05-17-2019, 07:38 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Please try not to confuse "seeing someone" with "moving on". Moving on is about growth and change--as you're learning. Just because he found someone to date doesn't mean he's ready for a healthy relationship now.
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Old 05-17-2019, 07:43 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty View Post
Please try not to confuse "seeing someone" with "moving on". Moving on is about growth and change--as you're learning. Just because he found someone to date doesn't mean he's ready for a healthy relationship now.
good point! I am so hurt but also somewhat relieved! I shift back and forth so much that I feel like I am losing my mind.
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Old 05-17-2019, 08:48 PM   #4 (permalink)
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ScaryTime…..I think it always feels weird when we learn that they are with someone. No matter how we felt about them...and, even if we know that it would, eventually, happen....
Go ahead and cry...as long as you need to. I believe in crying. It needs to come and, is part of the healing process. It really makes it all feel very real...

Alcoholics will, often, move into a relationship, quickly.....as it takes the focus off their own personal issues and brings a rush of dopamine into their brains....
We know what dopamine does---gives us a pair of rose colored glasses to wear!----for a while.....
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Old 05-18-2019, 12:54 AM   #5 (permalink)
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“Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.”
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Do everything with a touch of kindness. – Three things in human life are important: the first is to be kind; the second is to be kind; and the third is… you guessed it… to be kind. Whatever can be done, can be done more effectively when you add kindness.

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https://www.tarabrach.com/guided-med...ree-the-heart/

I've found open heart/kindness meditations to be very helpful with recovering from emotional hurts. I'm sorry you're going through this, ScaryTime. ((((hugs))))
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Old 05-18-2019, 06:58 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
Alcoholics will, often, move into a relationship, quickly.....as it takes the focus off their own personal issues and brings a rush of dopamine into their brains....
We know what dopamine does---gives us a pair of rose colored glasses to wear!----for a while.....
I just have to quote this from dandylion because you can only hit the Thanks button once!

I absolutely believe this to be true. Time and time again we hear of alcoholic exes that move on in the blink of an eye or shortly thereafter, who does that? Do people miraculously find great partners at the drop of a hat without taking any time to reflect?

No, it's a "thing" as dandylion describes.

I do believe it's something you should not take personally at all, also, he is not "that guy" anymore, not the guy you started out with. She is just dating the same guy you left, with good reason!

Hang in there, you are going to feel so much better very soon. I'm so glad today is moving day for you, hope you will check in and let us know how you are doing.
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Old 05-18-2019, 09:52 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Alcoholics are incapable of having real relationships. Of course it hurts. The same thing happened to me and in hindsight it was a gift: whatever fantasies I had about staying together were shattered and I "moved on" much better.
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Old 05-18-2019, 11:04 AM   #8 (permalink)
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The man I fell in love with who turned out to be an alcoholic has “moved on” 2 months after breaking up with me (for the third time - after he admitted how advanced his drinking was and then rehabbing on his own). And I was supposedly the love of his life...
i am still trying to understand what really happened. To me it is unthinkable to start seeing someone else so quickly after a relationship like ours. It was so intense and the love between us seemed to pure and so real.
I hurt so much when I think about how he is with her... probably just the same as he was with me. Turns out It wasn’t special, it wasn’t even real. Except that for me it was. God I love him so much despite all his assholeness. Despite all the suffering he has caused me.
To read that I’m not alone in my experience is of great help. To read that it is an alcoholic “thing” to just jump from one relationship to another for that kick of dopamine makes a lot of sense. But do they realise it? That it isn’t real?

I still think of how good we would be together, I still tend to forget that all his actions are controlled or influenced by addiction and the changes in his brain.
I wonder sometimes... aren't those moments of happiness with them worth all the suffering?

I am sorry you have to go through this. He is just about to make another person unhappy.
:-(
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