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Old 05-17-2019, 07:18 PM   #1 (permalink)
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He is moving on...


discovered last night that my AH is seeing someone. Boy was that ever a blow! I couldnít stop crying...
I am in the process of moving out, filed for divorce in February and very excited to move into my new house, ready to move on.
I knew this part was going to be emotional but itís like I just want to burst into tears! Itís driving me crazy!
Mira like I am going through all of the things I went through a long time ago... thinking about all the good times and all the good things about him. Probably because I am hurt that he has moved on already, we are not even divorced yet and still I lost even more respect for him because of this.
i am not letting up. I decided to move out this weekend. My place is painted with new carpet and so I booked the movers for tomorrow. And he is being oh so accommodating. Ugh!
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Old 05-17-2019, 07:38 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Please try not to confuse "seeing someone" with "moving on". Moving on is about growth and change--as you're learning. Just because he found someone to date doesn't mean he's ready for a healthy relationship now.
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Old 05-17-2019, 07:43 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Please try not to confuse "seeing someone" with "moving on". Moving on is about growth and change--as you're learning. Just because he found someone to date doesn't mean he's ready for a healthy relationship now.
good point! I am so hurt but also somewhat relieved! I shift back and forth so much that I feel like I am losing my mind.
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Old 05-17-2019, 08:48 PM   #4 (permalink)
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ScaryTimeÖ..I think it always feels weird when we learn that they are with someone. No matter how we felt about them...and, even if we know that it would, eventually, happen....
Go ahead and cry...as long as you need to. I believe in crying. It needs to come and, is part of the healing process. It really makes it all feel very real...

Alcoholics will, often, move into a relationship, quickly.....as it takes the focus off their own personal issues and brings a rush of dopamine into their brains....
We know what dopamine does---gives us a pair of rose colored glasses to wear!----for a while.....
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Old 05-18-2019, 12:54 AM   #5 (permalink)
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“Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.”
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Do everything with a touch of kindness. – Three things in human life are important: the first is to be kind; the second is to be kind; and the third is… you guessed it… to be kind. Whatever can be done, can be done more effectively when you add kindness.

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https://www.tarabrach.com/guided-med...ree-the-heart/

I've found open heart/kindness meditations to be very helpful with recovering from emotional hurts. I'm sorry you're going through this, ScaryTime. ((((hugs))))
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Old 05-18-2019, 06:58 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
Alcoholics will, often, move into a relationship, quickly.....as it takes the focus off their own personal issues and brings a rush of dopamine into their brains....
We know what dopamine does---gives us a pair of rose colored glasses to wear!----for a while.....
I just have to quote this from dandylion because you can only hit the Thanks button once!

I absolutely believe this to be true. Time and time again we hear of alcoholic exes that move on in the blink of an eye or shortly thereafter, who does that? Do people miraculously find great partners at the drop of a hat without taking any time to reflect?

No, it's a "thing" as dandylion describes.

I do believe it's something you should not take personally at all, also, he is not "that guy" anymore, not the guy you started out with. She is just dating the same guy you left, with good reason!

Hang in there, you are going to feel so much better very soon. I'm so glad today is moving day for you, hope you will check in and let us know how you are doing.
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Old 05-18-2019, 09:52 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Alcoholics are incapable of having real relationships. Of course it hurts. The same thing happened to me and in hindsight it was a gift: whatever fantasies I had about staying together were shattered and I "moved on" much better.
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Old 05-18-2019, 11:04 AM   #8 (permalink)
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The man I fell in love with who turned out to be an alcoholic has ďmoved onĒ 2 months after breaking up with me (for the third time - after he admitted how advanced his drinking was and then rehabbing on his own). And I was supposedly the love of his life...
i am still trying to understand what really happened. To me it is unthinkable to start seeing someone else so quickly after a relationship like ours. It was so intense and the love between us seemed to pure and so real.
I hurt so much when I think about how he is with her... probably just the same as he was with me. Turns out It wasnít special, it wasnít even real. Except that for me it was. God I love him so much despite all his assholeness. Despite all the suffering he has caused me.
To read that Iím not alone in my experience is of great help. To read that it is an alcoholic ďthingĒ to just jump from one relationship to another for that kick of dopamine makes a lot of sense. But do they realise it? That it isnít real?

I still think of how good we would be together, I still tend to forget that all his actions are controlled or influenced by addiction and the changes in his brain.
I wonder sometimes... aren't those moments of happiness with them worth all the suffering?

I am sorry you have to go through this. He is just about to make another person unhappy.
:-(
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Old 06-09-2019, 03:40 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Its heart breaking...

Quote:
Originally Posted by ScaryTime View Post
discovered last night that my AH is seeing someone. Boy was that ever a blow! I couldnít stop crying...
I am in the process of moving out, filed for divorce in February and very excited to move into my new house, ready to move on.
I knew this part was going to be emotional but itís like I just want to burst into tears! Itís driving me crazy!
Mira like I am going through all of the things I went through a long time ago... thinking about all the good times and all the good things about him. Probably because I am hurt that he has moved on already, we are not even divorced yet and still I lost even more respect for him because of this.
i am not letting up. I decided to move out this weekend. My place is painted with new carpet and so I booked the movers for tomorrow. And he is being oh so accommodating. Ugh!
Mine ended up doing a line almost immediately with a hse mate after I had him removed from our home (drunk and aggressive). He went from sobering up, joining AA and I believed was in recovery. The chick told the courts she'd know if he was drinking again, missing meetings. He started back drinking WITH her a couple of months ago and he's now actively getting drunk again. He tried to get back with me recently, his chick was very insecure, (probably why she LETS him drink-so he'll stay with her). I told him I loved him, but couldn't take him back if he's drinking. Its an unsustainable situation. He has no control and its like living with a ticking time bomb.

The alcoholic went back to the enabler. It broke my heart. But he'll never sober up if I let him drink. I'm hoping his higher self will remember this.
Hugs, it still hurts and its also so hard to move on and meet a new guy when I know that there's really only alcohol in the way.
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Old 06-09-2019, 03:55 PM   #10 (permalink)
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My exah moved on 3 months after I left our home. He started dating his secretary and proudly admitted it during our divorce trial. If they had such insight into consequences , empathy or respect for relationships , they would not be drunk heads. I was shattered. I still remember the days of screaming into my pillow and the pain was the same or more than the pain I felt the day I left the house. Healing takes time and active work. 2 years on and I am still healing . My own rose colored glasses took time to come off. My own dopamine took time to fade off . I for the first time in my life had put myself first. I for the first time was standing up for myself . That change was painful .
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Old 06-09-2019, 06:32 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Thank you for the comments! They have all helped.
I get sent out of town quite often and he takes the dogs while I am away. I would very much like to go no contact with him, but the doggies are stopping that from happening.
I texted him today and always feel stupid after I do because I didnít HAVE to reach out to him. He didnít need to know what I told him. I just donít understand how he can be so aloof and such. The woman he was seeing apparently ďplayed him like a fiddleĒ and was after money... just the fact that he is playing I donít get. I cannot imagine seeing anyone right now I feel damaged and donít feel ready to date at this point. He isnít going to change I know that but it still hurts.
It just hurts sometimes more often than others. I know I did the right thing and actually took my doggies up to my camper yesterday and we spent the night up there. It was really fun and nice. And then I get back to my house where I have made a nice home for my babes (doggies) and I and I still reached out to him! Ugh, what the heck is wrong with me!?!?
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Old 06-09-2019, 10:57 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Ugh, what the heck is wrong with me!?!?
I think it will be very hard to find peace right now while still seeing him regularly.

Is it possible that perhaps you could exchange the dogs some other way? Can you just leave them in his yard perhaps? I mean of course you would have to let him know you are dropping them off Tuesday or whenever and that you will put them in the yard at 3 and pick them up the same way or he can leave them in your yard?

Just an idea for now, maybe for several months. You haven't been apart very long and seeing him regularly and knowing all he is up to keeps you engaged in his life instead of focusing on yours.
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Old 06-12-2019, 04:43 PM   #13 (permalink)
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I think it will be very hard to find peace right now while still seeing him regularly.

Is it possible that perhaps you could exchange the dogs some other way? Can you just leave them in his yard perhaps? I mean of course you would have to let him know you are dropping them off Tuesday or whenever and that you will put them in the yard at 3 and pick them up the same way or he can leave them in your yard?

Just an idea for now, maybe for several months. You haven't been apart very long and seeing him regularly and knowing all he is up to keeps you engaged in his life instead of focusing on yours.
Good suggestions that I put into use about this Sunday... I was asking him what time I could bring the dogs out and he didnít know, ďwhat time do you want to bring them out?Ē Always a question in answer if a question. So I just sent him a msg saying I will bring them out after I feed them. He said but his daughter is having dinner at 5. So I said I will just bring them out and if he isnít there so be it.
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Old 06-12-2019, 07:03 PM   #14 (permalink)
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let's say exAH decides to move....out of town. THEN what would you do with the dogs? he is not your only option....he's the "convenient" one and keeps you in contact. as it is, he is already noting when it is not CONVENIENT for him......
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Old 06-13-2019, 11:03 AM   #15 (permalink)
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ScaryTimeÖ..I think it always feels weird when we learn that they are with someone. No matter how we felt about them...and, even if we know that it would, eventually, happen....
Go ahead and cry...as long as you need to. I believe in crying. It needs to come and, is part of the healing process. It really makes it all feel very real...

Alcoholics will, often, move into a relationship, quickly.....as it takes the focus off their own personal issues and brings a rush of dopamine into their brains....
We know what dopamine does---gives us a pair of rose colored glasses to wear!----for a while.....
Do alcoholics tend to move quickly in relationships? My xabf moved very fast with me. He claimed I was going to get a ring from him, already makimh plans to move in at 2 months.

he was married before me and he proposed to his ex wife on the very first day he met her.

Is that a trademark of an alcoholic or something else?
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Old 06-13-2019, 05:55 PM   #16 (permalink)
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let's say exAH decides to move....out of town. THEN what would you do with the dogs? he is not your only option....he's the "convenient" one and keeps you in contact. as it is, he is already noting when it is not CONVENIENT for him......
you are right
i am still holding on arenít I ☹️
I would have to figure out something and yes there are other options at this point
my brother is back in town and I bet he would love to stay st the house and get away from my mother for a bit


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Old 06-13-2019, 05:56 PM   #17 (permalink)
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There you go--take action and call your brother soon to arrange the next time.

Way to be proactive and solve the issue
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Old 06-14-2019, 08:15 PM   #18 (permalink)
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So I talked to my brother and he said he will stay with my babes for next week!
So i am going to call or text my soon to be XAH tomorrow and let him know that my brother is going to stay with them... hopefully that goes ok...
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Old 06-14-2019, 08:52 PM   #19 (permalink)
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ST, really good... definitely such a positive step... finding new solutions to previous forms of CD attachment will start to become such an impactful force for you. Dogs are strong emotional attachments we have so itís important that they no longer involve being with him or dropped off based on his schedule. You are taking the control back. I had 4 dogs with my ex and they were often used as a form of control and manipulation in various degrees. Once I found alternative options and boarding care for them ó she could no longer use them to control me. Point being, take the power back! Step forward...
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Old 06-15-2019, 07:42 PM   #20 (permalink)
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ST, really good... definitely such a positive step... finding new solutions to previous forms of CD attachment will start to become such an impactful force for you. Dogs are strong emotional attachments we have so itís important that they no longer involve being with him or dropped off based on his schedule. You are taking the control back. I had 4 dogs with my ex and they were often used as a form of control and manipulation in various degrees. Once I found alternative options and boarding care for them ó she could no longer use them to control me. Point being, take the power back! Step forward...
Agreed! Called him tonight and told him I don't want the dogs kenneled for 12 hours a day and that my brother offered to stay with them while I am out of town. He said that was probably best as he is working a lot and blah blah blah. So problem solved. Thank you for all of the comments. I would've continued to allow him to control the situation...
now my next problem...he wants to take one of them hunting this fall... I don't want her to go, she is the only bird dog that goes and hunts for like 4 or 5 guys it is too much for her. He assures me that he loves her too and won't let anything happen. But he won't be the one paying the vet bills when she comes home all beat up from hunting and I just don't want her to go. She's my baby! And its not like he is coming to pick her up and get her into shape for hunting. She isn't severely overweight but she is definitely not in shape to go out west and hunt the way he expects.
so I just tell him no? That will, be the final straw for him i think
that's probably why i am hesitant but that's probably what i need to do just tell him she's not going...she lives to go and hunt but i don't think she should go
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