It’s the first day of summer, and one month since I walked out of my AXBF’s apartment to finally not return. He’s cycled through bargaining, begging, abuse, apologies. I answer his texts mostly the same. “I told you I don’t want to be with you anymore. You need to leave me alone.”

He pulled a gun on some guy who lives in his apartment. He said the guy was walking around with a gun threatening people and he “detained” him until the police showed up. It was 3am on a Friday night, and of course he claimed he wasn’t drinking. He’s drank everyday for the last 15 years, but suddenly that night he didn’t? The denial and lies are strong. Then after I wouldn’t engage he texted me calling me names and swearing at me. The next day he apologized. All I said was “If I had forgotten why I left you, your behavior over the last two days was a clear reminder. You need to leave me alone.” He hasn’t said anything since.

I remember when I used to lay in bed with him, thinking i couldn’t love anyone more than i loved him. He was my first love, when we were 17 and he hadn’t started the drinking and drugs yet. Here we were, reunited 2 decades later, it was meant to be. The codependency, the love bombing, the trauma bonding. I’m glad I have a hard time even imagining I ever loved him that much. He never did deserve it.

I bought myself a new bed. It came in today. A bigger bed so my dog has more room to take up. I’ll probably have about the same. It makes everything feel more final. My therapist suggested I create a tranquil space for myself, and im slowly doing that. I try to do one small thing that I have control over everyday, like clean a room or schedule an appointment. I try to stop worrying about things at 8pm, and leave my worries until the next day so I can have some time to relax. I turn off the tv and listen to guided mediation to fall asleep.

Its been one month. I didn’t think I would feel this free.

Good for you! So happy for you. Just keep doing you!