My childbearing years are gone now!
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I get what you both are saying (thanks a lot btw for all the support and insights), and i definitely agree that its me that i have to focus on right now! Besides, I never said to stick around while he is struggling as that would be enabling alright. But once im emotionally detached (and i dont know when that will happen), to offer my help somehow as a friend- should he decide to get sober and remain sober! Also, i am totally a believer that even if it is a progressive ilness alright, that it IS possible to reverse it and get out of it and heal eventually! There are lot of success stories out there that i decide to focus on... So, i remain hopeful for him and i will always believe he can actually do this once he is ready! But youre definitely right-I have to make myself my own priority... Btw, I still dont have enough posts to be allowed to post links, but here is the title of that youtubr tedX video: Everything you think you know about the addiction is wrong (Johann Hari)...🌻🌻👋🏻👋🏻
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Originally Posted by fionamccarthy 
... Btw, I still dont have enough posts to be allowed to post links, but here is the title of that youtubr tedX video: Everything you think you know about the addiction is wrong (Johann Hari)....[/left]
I take that video with a very large grain of salt. This old (locked) post covers discusses it in great detail:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-facebook.html (Saw This On FaceBook)
EVERY dysfunction heals/benefits from compassion & empathy. But the underlying, core, SELF issue for each individual isn't "fixed" in the same way.... otherwise people who grow up with compassion & love & empathy wouldn't become addicts despite it.
Here's an article that discusses the flaws in the rat studies Hari's entire premise is based on:
https://theoutline.com/post/2205/thi...bout-addiction
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The issue with articles or youtube videos or any such type of content is that they all have different meanings to different people, based on these peoples 'hard-wiring' so to speak. Same goes to alcoholics- I dont think two people are the same, so the reason why someone gets into addictive behaviour is not universal alright. Therefore, this video can be perceived as something positive to some (as it basically shows how addicts are usually labeled and put in the box out of which is almost impossible to get out, with such negative attitude coming from their society at large that usually judges them) while for others, it can mean feeling guilty for not being there for them enough etc. etc...
For me personally, it means that I dont wish to think about my X in a black and white manner, especially as I know how he struggled with some of his thoughts and he himself agreed on how hard it is to change due to years of same type of functioning.(he is an extremely smart guy btw)...
Having said that, my help would be to first of all, see him and think of him in a loving manner and as definitely a 'victim' of his addiction, not someone who particularly consciously chose this as his path (and therefore, against me).
Also, to let them know in general that we can be there for them and should they one day be willing to break the addiction pattern and re-wire their brains to more satisfactory behaviour (and todays science supports the ability for that type of change to happen big time).
SO I wished to one day be able to be there for him in that sense, that is, once he is fully READY to get rid of his alcohol dependence once and for all. IF that day ever comes, of course... Until then, I intend to stay NC actually, not just because of my emotional attachment that i still have for him, but also because I dont believe I can add up to anything productive while he is in active addiction himself...
All in all, I would always want to see him as much more than his alcohol crutch so to speak, and that in itself could perhaps serve as some more healthy basis and some basic acceptance that we could offer as a support. It could be a support on a distance, but at least we are not coming from our own sense of anger and hurt. As that wouldn't be healthy either, I believe so...
For me personally, it means that I dont wish to think about my X in a black and white manner, especially as I know how he struggled with some of his thoughts and he himself agreed on how hard it is to change due to years of same type of functioning.(he is an extremely smart guy btw)...
Having said that, my help would be to first of all, see him and think of him in a loving manner and as definitely a 'victim' of his addiction, not someone who particularly consciously chose this as his path (and therefore, against me).
Also, to let them know in general that we can be there for them and should they one day be willing to break the addiction pattern and re-wire their brains to more satisfactory behaviour (and todays science supports the ability for that type of change to happen big time).
SO I wished to one day be able to be there for him in that sense, that is, once he is fully READY to get rid of his alcohol dependence once and for all. IF that day ever comes, of course... Until then, I intend to stay NC actually, not just because of my emotional attachment that i still have for him, but also because I dont believe I can add up to anything productive while he is in active addiction himself...
All in all, I would always want to see him as much more than his alcohol crutch so to speak, and that in itself could perhaps serve as some more healthy basis and some basic acceptance that we could offer as a support. It could be a support on a distance, but at least we are not coming from our own sense of anger and hurt. As that wouldn't be healthy either, I believe so...
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I see an awful lot about “him” in your posts, but I suppose whether to stay with an addict has a lot to do with what you want out of a life partnership. For me, I want to be with someone who can relate to me in an honest, authentic way without a lot of baggage. But then I have become much less self-sacrificing as I get older.
Maybe what is best for you is to have someone to focus on and to take care of?
Maybe what is best for you is to have someone to focus on and to take care of?
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Needabreak: Not as such, I was mainly talking about myself and my awareness of the time and energy spent that ill never get back, and possibly not have the ability to live through some of my wishes and dreams in relation to having kids etc...
I also talk about him of course, but in relation to some of the comments, and also how he is perceived in my eyes- which is definitely much more than his addiction. Which doesn't solve the problem itself tho- sadly.
Also, I have also stated how I didn't want to be there as his enabler, which would definitely imply that I too hope for and wish for a partner who will be equally open and available for a mature relationship with me...As im not even remotely interested in maintaining some half-conscious relationships nor be a part of the problem instead of solution.
At this moment tho (and based on all the emotions I have invested in this particular person), it is only understandable hopefully how this experience is still very fresh and 'raw' for me, therefore I do admit I miss him a lot and having hard times processing this separation that occured.
But as I said, not due to me needing to self-sacrifice in order to feel I have some sort of meaning in life, but because we split up very recently, so I cant just jump into another relationship or subject or mood without processing the necessary pain that came out as a result of this ending.
To conclude, Im sure Ill be up for something deeply self-gratifying anytime soon (and without being selfish at the same time) but for now, I deal with what I can and at the pace I can take...
I also talk about him of course, but in relation to some of the comments, and also how he is perceived in my eyes- which is definitely much more than his addiction. Which doesn't solve the problem itself tho- sadly.
Also, I have also stated how I didn't want to be there as his enabler, which would definitely imply that I too hope for and wish for a partner who will be equally open and available for a mature relationship with me...As im not even remotely interested in maintaining some half-conscious relationships nor be a part of the problem instead of solution.
At this moment tho (and based on all the emotions I have invested in this particular person), it is only understandable hopefully how this experience is still very fresh and 'raw' for me, therefore I do admit I miss him a lot and having hard times processing this separation that occured.
But as I said, not due to me needing to self-sacrifice in order to feel I have some sort of meaning in life, but because we split up very recently, so I cant just jump into another relationship or subject or mood without processing the necessary pain that came out as a result of this ending.
To conclude, Im sure Ill be up for something deeply self-gratifying anytime soon (and without being selfish at the same time) but for now, I deal with what I can and at the pace I can take...
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One more thing- I would consider being there for him as a friend (or even getting back with him one day-i know, some might consider that stupid) but only should he be in a position to turn away from his addiction once and for all and be determined about it.
I mean, who knows what future can bring, so I would never say never, even if I dont wish to count on that nor plan my life accordingly... But, he was the man I thought of as my ONE-that is, before I discovered about the depth of the issue, (and I dont say this lightly), so I do still believe he is a great man under the layers of his addiction and that, if he heals, we could be good together too...
But as I said, I dont count on that anymore nor am I hooked on that scenario in my head to the point of not allowing for some other possible future scenarios to enter my life or evolve or develop or emerge. However, it takes awhile to heal for sure and process everything, so Im taking my time now, as I said earlier...
All in all, Im not gonna back off now from this healing process that for sure, so thank you so much for all the encouragement and support in this direction. I find this forum amazing and soothing (and all in between)...and I am really grateful I have stumbled upon it...
Btw, I am aware how It is up to him to find his way and I pray he WILL find the right path out of this alcohol maze one day...And its up to me too to find my way too and re-direct my energy into something that will serve me better and my own wellbeing...And all the rest ill leave to God at this point- thats all I can do really!!
I mean, who knows what future can bring, so I would never say never, even if I dont wish to count on that nor plan my life accordingly... But, he was the man I thought of as my ONE-that is, before I discovered about the depth of the issue, (and I dont say this lightly), so I do still believe he is a great man under the layers of his addiction and that, if he heals, we could be good together too...
But as I said, I dont count on that anymore nor am I hooked on that scenario in my head to the point of not allowing for some other possible future scenarios to enter my life or evolve or develop or emerge. However, it takes awhile to heal for sure and process everything, so Im taking my time now, as I said earlier...
All in all, Im not gonna back off now from this healing process that for sure, so thank you so much for all the encouragement and support in this direction. I find this forum amazing and soothing (and all in between)...and I am really grateful I have stumbled upon it...
Btw, I am aware how It is up to him to find his way and I pray he WILL find the right path out of this alcohol maze one day...And its up to me too to find my way too and re-direct my energy into something that will serve me better and my own wellbeing...And all the rest ill leave to God at this point- thats all I can do really!!
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This link (and I think the experiment is drivel) surfaces with some regularity.
If we had nothing to do but eat, play, and procreate, and our young reached adulthood no longer needing us in 30 days, there would be few addicts. I have to go to work to keep food on the table, and a roof over my head. The actual roof was replaced four or five years ago, the house was painted a couple years later, and the furnace repairman actually said, the last time I opened the door to him, "We've got to stop meeting like this."
Human life is much more complex. I think this puts the blame back on parents, spouses, society at large for not making the addicts' lives more fulfilling. I think, to put it in plain terms, this is BS.
But anyone who wants to take themselves on a guilt trip is welcome to. I once crossed paths with a woman who worked in the local youth correctional center. I commented it must be hard hearing how kids had such tough lives they turned out that way.. Her reply: "You'd be surprised how many of them didn't."
If we had nothing to do but eat, play, and procreate, and our young reached adulthood no longer needing us in 30 days, there would be few addicts. I have to go to work to keep food on the table, and a roof over my head. The actual roof was replaced four or five years ago, the house was painted a couple years later, and the furnace repairman actually said, the last time I opened the door to him, "We've got to stop meeting like this."
Human life is much more complex. I think this puts the blame back on parents, spouses, society at large for not making the addicts' lives more fulfilling. I think, to put it in plain terms, this is BS.
But anyone who wants to take themselves on a guilt trip is welcome to. I once crossed paths with a woman who worked in the local youth correctional center. I commented it must be hard hearing how kids had such tough lives they turned out that way.. Her reply: "You'd be surprised how many of them didn't."
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Originally Posted by velma929
This link (and I think the experiment is drivel) surfaces with some regularity.
If we had nothing to do but eat, play, and procreate, and our young reached adulthood no longer needing us in 30 days, there would be few addicts. I have to go to work to keep food on the table, and a roof over my head. The actual roof was replaced four or five years ago, the house was painted a couple years later, and the furnace repairman actually said, the last time I opened the door to him, "We've got to stop meeting like this."
Human life is much more complex. I think this puts the blame back on parents, spouses, society at large for not making the addicts' lives more fulfilling. I think, to put it in plain terms, this is BS.
But anyone who wants to take themselves on a guilt trip is welcome to. I once crossed paths with a woman who worked in the local youth correctional center. I commented it must be hard hearing how kids had such tough lives they turned out that way.. Her reply: "You'd be surprised how many of them didn't."
If we had nothing to do but eat, play, and procreate, and our young reached adulthood no longer needing us in 30 days, there would be few addicts. I have to go to work to keep food on the table, and a roof over my head. The actual roof was replaced four or five years ago, the house was painted a couple years later, and the furnace repairman actually said, the last time I opened the door to him, "We've got to stop meeting like this."
Human life is much more complex. I think this puts the blame back on parents, spouses, society at large for not making the addicts' lives more fulfilling. I think, to put it in plain terms, this is BS.
But anyone who wants to take themselves on a guilt trip is welcome to. I once crossed paths with a woman who worked in the local youth correctional center. I commented it must be hard hearing how kids had such tough lives they turned out that way.. Her reply: "You'd be surprised how many of them didn't."
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Fiona, I really respect your attitude and outlook. You know your boundaries and your mind. NC is clearly what you need right now and maybe in time you and your ex will have an apportunity to speak and who knows what will evolve from that. Right now you sound determined to feel stronger and heal and this will only serve you well regardless of the outcome with your ex, becoming his friend or otherwise. And that's completely your choice.
I'm currently 5 months pregnant (unplanned) , it was very frightening for a while being so fearful of raising child, being forever attached to my A, and fear of being abandoned, scared of being a single parent, all of that, but I went deep into those fears and came out prepared to go it alone, no matter what. I made decision to keep baby whilst we were seperated, was the hardest decsion I made. To face going it alone but once faced, incredibly liberating. I own the fact that I am going to be a mum (a career mummy
) and I am going to be the primary care giver to my child, I.e. No matter what the dad contributes, whether a little or a lot, I'm depending on me, and I enjoy this feeling. I also own the fact that I care for the dad and always will. I have come to realize that whether I were to have a child with him or not, the experience of being with him, and everything I have learned about myself as a result of being with him, will always make him a signicant person in my life. Whether I never see him again, or whether I see him every fortnight to collect kid. I'm aware that I can love him from a distance , and if I choose, I can move forward into a new relationship one day when ready to do so.
Right now we're making a go of it after many failed attempts, maybe this attempt will fail too, but it feels like we're turning a corner. I certainly feel like I've turned a corner. He's also quit drinking which i didn't expect to happen, so who knows what the future holds.
Enjoy your healing journey, feel everything you feel regarding your ex and your relationship, your fears, your hopes.... You might come out of this with zero interest in being his friend or his partner (regardless of his A status) but either way, you'll stay true to yourself with increased awareness. Btw, I think you'll make a wonderful mummy one day, whether you have your own, or you adopt. And if you decide not to have kids, you're still just as wonderful and beautiful. We are all important and meant to be here, connected in Oneness. There are multiple ways to inspire, teach, love, create. It is very sad that a social stigma remains today regarding women who "fail" to have kids. But that is just social conditioning BS as we know and attitudes are rapidly changing. The same goes for people who believe that having kids is all stress and worry. And even more worry if you have an A partner or ex A partner. That's more of the same fear driven conditioning based on hardened experience. However worthy the experience.
It is natural to have anxiety and frustration from time to time no matter what the external circumstance, we're all battling against some life situation at some point. A baby won't "make" life perfect or miserable , nor will a career, a partner or a thing.
The happiness we feel comes from the way we think and look at the world. Your positive approach is refreshing here in this forum and I'm glad you're here.
I'm currently 5 months pregnant (unplanned) , it was very frightening for a while being so fearful of raising child, being forever attached to my A, and fear of being abandoned, scared of being a single parent, all of that, but I went deep into those fears and came out prepared to go it alone, no matter what. I made decision to keep baby whilst we were seperated, was the hardest decsion I made. To face going it alone but once faced, incredibly liberating. I own the fact that I am going to be a mum (a career mummy
) and I am going to be the primary care giver to my child, I.e. No matter what the dad contributes, whether a little or a lot, I'm depending on me, and I enjoy this feeling. I also own the fact that I care for the dad and always will. I have come to realize that whether I were to have a child with him or not, the experience of being with him, and everything I have learned about myself as a result of being with him, will always make him a signicant person in my life. Whether I never see him again, or whether I see him every fortnight to collect kid. I'm aware that I can love him from a distance , and if I choose, I can move forward into a new relationship one day when ready to do so.Right now we're making a go of it after many failed attempts, maybe this attempt will fail too, but it feels like we're turning a corner. I certainly feel like I've turned a corner. He's also quit drinking which i didn't expect to happen, so who knows what the future holds.
Enjoy your healing journey, feel everything you feel regarding your ex and your relationship, your fears, your hopes.... You might come out of this with zero interest in being his friend or his partner (regardless of his A status) but either way, you'll stay true to yourself with increased awareness. Btw, I think you'll make a wonderful mummy one day, whether you have your own, or you adopt. And if you decide not to have kids, you're still just as wonderful and beautiful. We are all important and meant to be here, connected in Oneness. There are multiple ways to inspire, teach, love, create. It is very sad that a social stigma remains today regarding women who "fail" to have kids. But that is just social conditioning BS as we know and attitudes are rapidly changing. The same goes for people who believe that having kids is all stress and worry. And even more worry if you have an A partner or ex A partner. That's more of the same fear driven conditioning based on hardened experience. However worthy the experience.
It is natural to have anxiety and frustration from time to time no matter what the external circumstance, we're all battling against some life situation at some point. A baby won't "make" life perfect or miserable , nor will a career, a partner or a thing.
The happiness we feel comes from the way we think and look at the world. Your positive approach is refreshing here in this forum and I'm glad you're here.
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Originally Posted by Surfbee
Fiona, I really respect your attitude and outlook. You know your boundaries and your mind. NC is clearly what you need right now and maybe in time you and your ex will have an apportunity to speak and who knows what will evolve from that. Right now you sound determined to feel stronger and heal and this will only serve you well regardless of the outcome with your ex, becoming his friend or otherwise. And that's completely your choice.
I'm currently 5 months pregnant (unplanned) , it was very frightening for a while being so fearful of raising child, being forever attached to my A, and fear of being abandoned, scared of being a single parent, all of that, but I went deep into those fears and came out prepared to go it alone, no matter what. I made decision to keep baby whilst we were seperated, was the hardest decsion I made. To face going it alone but once faced, incredibly liberating. I own the fact that I am going to be a mum (a career mummy ) and I am going to be the primary care giver to my child, I.e. No matter what the dad contributes, whether a little or a lot, I'm depending on me, and I enjoy this feeling. I also own the fact that I care for the dad and always will. I have come to realize that whether I were to have a child with him or not, the experience of being with him, and everything I have learned about myself as a result of being with him, will always make him a signicant person in my life. Whether I never see him again, or whether I see him every fortnight to collect kid. I'm aware that I can love him from a distance , and if I choose, I can move forward into a new relationship one day when ready to do so.
Right now we're making a go of it after many failed attempts, maybe this attempt will fail too, but it feels like we're turning a corner. I certainly feel like I've turned a corner. He's also quit drinking which i didn't expect to happen, so who knows what the future holds.
Enjoy your healing journey, feel everything you feel regarding your ex and your relationship, your fears, your hopes.... You might come out of this with zero interest in being his friend or his partner (regardless of his A status) but either way, you'll stay true to yourself with increased awareness. Btw, I think you'll make a wonderful mummy one day, whether you have your own, or you adopt. And if you decide not to have kids, you're still just as wonderful and beautiful. We are all important and meant to be here, connected in Oneness. There are multiple ways to inspire, teach, love, create. It is very sad that a social stigma remains today regarding women who "fail" to have kids. But that is just social conditioning BS as we know and attitudes are rapidly changing. The same goes for people who believe that having kids is all stress and worry. And even more worry if you have an A partner or ex A partner. That's more of the same fear driven conditioning based on hardened experience. However worthy the experience.
It is natural to have anxiety and frustration from time to time no matter what the external circumstance, we're all battling against some life situation at some point. A baby won't "make" life perfect or miserable , nor will a career, a partner or a thing.
The happiness we feel comes from the way we think and look at the world. Your positive approach is refreshing here in this forum and I'm glad you're here.
I'm currently 5 months pregnant (unplanned) , it was very frightening for a while being so fearful of raising child, being forever attached to my A, and fear of being abandoned, scared of being a single parent, all of that, but I went deep into those fears and came out prepared to go it alone, no matter what. I made decision to keep baby whilst we were seperated, was the hardest decsion I made. To face going it alone but once faced, incredibly liberating. I own the fact that I am going to be a mum (a career mummy
) and I am going to be the primary care giver to my child, I.e. No matter what the dad contributes, whether a little or a lot, I'm depending on me, and I enjoy this feeling. I also own the fact that I care for the dad and always will. I have come to realize that whether I were to have a child with him or not, the experience of being with him, and everything I have learned about myself as a result of being with him, will always make him a signicant person in my life. Whether I never see him again, or whether I see him every fortnight to collect kid. I'm aware that I can love him from a distance , and if I choose, I can move forward into a new relationship one day when ready to do so.Right now we're making a go of it after many failed attempts, maybe this attempt will fail too, but it feels like we're turning a corner. I certainly feel like I've turned a corner. He's also quit drinking which i didn't expect to happen, so who knows what the future holds.
Enjoy your healing journey, feel everything you feel regarding your ex and your relationship, your fears, your hopes.... You might come out of this with zero interest in being his friend or his partner (regardless of his A status) but either way, you'll stay true to yourself with increased awareness. Btw, I think you'll make a wonderful mummy one day, whether you have your own, or you adopt. And if you decide not to have kids, you're still just as wonderful and beautiful. We are all important and meant to be here, connected in Oneness. There are multiple ways to inspire, teach, love, create. It is very sad that a social stigma remains today regarding women who "fail" to have kids. But that is just social conditioning BS as we know and attitudes are rapidly changing. The same goes for people who believe that having kids is all stress and worry. And even more worry if you have an A partner or ex A partner. That's more of the same fear driven conditioning based on hardened experience. However worthy the experience.
It is natural to have anxiety and frustration from time to time no matter what the external circumstance, we're all battling against some life situation at some point. A baby won't "make" life perfect or miserable , nor will a career, a partner or a thing.
The happiness we feel comes from the way we think and look at the world. Your positive approach is refreshing here in this forum and I'm glad you're here.
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Join Date: May 2018
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I only started having kids in my 40s..
Originally Posted by fionamccarthy
Hi everyone,
My ex from whom im separated now for few weeks (we sort of both agreed on that) and not in contact with, was with me for three years and we were very close. But he was drinking excessively and it was ruining our relationship. Not according to him tho, as he only saw it as part of who he is and not that it is something wrong with it. Anyway, long story short, I have two issues now; 1. i miss him so much because he was also my best friend, but I decided to go no contact as the situation started to affect my health (besides, I saw that my staying would be enabling so I didnt see it as love); 2. I now think I have spend the best years of my life on him and probably lost the ability to ever have kids (am now 41) which both makes me angry and depressed (as i really wanted family a lot). Having said that, how would you continue from here? Any advice on how to see my future as a woman too in relation to what I explained about motherhood etc. You advice will be much appreciated. Thanks in advance.
My ex from whom im separated now for few weeks (we sort of both agreed on that) and not in contact with, was with me for three years and we were very close. But he was drinking excessively and it was ruining our relationship. Not according to him tho, as he only saw it as part of who he is and not that it is something wrong with it. Anyway, long story short, I have two issues now; 1. i miss him so much because he was also my best friend, but I decided to go no contact as the situation started to affect my health (besides, I saw that my staying would be enabling so I didnt see it as love); 2. I now think I have spend the best years of my life on him and probably lost the ability to ever have kids (am now 41) which both makes me angry and depressed (as i really wanted family a lot). Having said that, how would you continue from here? Any advice on how to see my future as a woman too in relation to what I explained about motherhood etc. You advice will be much appreciated. Thanks in advance.
Get yourself happy first... Then see where your heart really wants to go.
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