My childbearing years are gone now!
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Ophelia thank you so much for sharing. your story sounds indeed very tragic in terms of spending years and years with a person who couldn't somehow be your friend, nor seemed to be able to provide any type of meaningful connection- even if i really do believe that this experience still offered lot of opportunity for learning, even if through pain- unfortunately..
ALso, I wouldn't blame HIM per se for not being anyones friend unfortunately (starting with himself), as he was really damaged by his use of drugs and illness connected with that use- my ex btw still communicates his emotions the best way he could and behaved within the boundaries of decency too, in spite of his excessive alcohol consumption- thank God and I am forever grateful for that ).
Also, you situation brought a lot of pain and even physical ailments for you as i can hear (I too started feeling depleted energy-wise lately and looking older and greyer from being stressed out with my own situation)... Having said that, I am of firm belief that physical illness is the end product of longterm mental torment and energy depletion, meaning it IS still POSSIBLE (please believe me on that) to reverse lot of those symptoms you have, if not all of them. And im not sure about the specific NAME you got for this condition, but nevertheless, please check out dr. Joe Dispenza and his book Becoming Supernatural, in which he actually talks about how people miraculously healed themselves on many different levels once they changed their mental chatter- with healthy body being the end layer/product of this process. Also, natural and healthy diet is very powerful too (due to our 'gut brain', so check that info out as well if you want...
As for having kids, adopting, ur life expectancy, finding a partner- again, i have to say now (and I am trying to say this to myself too over and over again)- its not too late nor youre too sick too this or to do that that- please dont entertain such negative thoughts as those feed into above mentioned physical symptoms too id say...I am guilty of some of it too, but am working hard to change that (including the title of this thread that i would like to change now actually, even after a day lol).
I truly do wish to instead try to remain optimistic and continue to work on myself in terms of my own beliefs and limitations...
ANyway what im trying to say is, be proud of your learning curve and accomplishment over the years (and even to accept your 'illness' and see it as some sort of a 'warning from a friend-which would be your body in this case), would be beneficial too for you i believe so...
Also, congratulations on having the strength to go NC (even if after 10 years) and stop enabling him in his addiction (and please dont beat yourself up over it too- you couldnt have left earlier as you just COULDNT (for whatever reason) and you did the best under the circumstances and best to your knowledge at that time, and certainly not purposefully instead.) At least this is how I look at it...
To conclude, thank you so much for your thoughts and Ill definitely try to continue with positive outlook myself, even If I did consider my ex as my friend and we did manage to share a lot (in spite of everything) and so ill miss him no matter what. But as we both clearly now- sometimes the best way to show love is to let someone go and find their own way (even if, as i said, through pain)...
Lots of success to you and dont give up on yourself nor put yourself into some diagnosis box... i know it is easier said than done, but mind indeed IS over matter in my opinion and lot of those spiritual teachers these days support that statement. Thank you for being and full speed ahead now!
<3
ALso, I wouldn't blame HIM per se for not being anyones friend unfortunately (starting with himself), as he was really damaged by his use of drugs and illness connected with that use- my ex btw still communicates his emotions the best way he could and behaved within the boundaries of decency too, in spite of his excessive alcohol consumption- thank God and I am forever grateful for that ).
Also, you situation brought a lot of pain and even physical ailments for you as i can hear (I too started feeling depleted energy-wise lately and looking older and greyer from being stressed out with my own situation)... Having said that, I am of firm belief that physical illness is the end product of longterm mental torment and energy depletion, meaning it IS still POSSIBLE (please believe me on that) to reverse lot of those symptoms you have, if not all of them. And im not sure about the specific NAME you got for this condition, but nevertheless, please check out dr. Joe Dispenza and his book Becoming Supernatural, in which he actually talks about how people miraculously healed themselves on many different levels once they changed their mental chatter- with healthy body being the end layer/product of this process. Also, natural and healthy diet is very powerful too (due to our 'gut brain', so check that info out as well if you want...
As for having kids, adopting, ur life expectancy, finding a partner- again, i have to say now (and I am trying to say this to myself too over and over again)- its not too late nor youre too sick too this or to do that that- please dont entertain such negative thoughts as those feed into above mentioned physical symptoms too id say...I am guilty of some of it too, but am working hard to change that (including the title of this thread that i would like to change now actually, even after a day lol).
I truly do wish to instead try to remain optimistic and continue to work on myself in terms of my own beliefs and limitations...
ANyway what im trying to say is, be proud of your learning curve and accomplishment over the years (and even to accept your 'illness' and see it as some sort of a 'warning from a friend-which would be your body in this case), would be beneficial too for you i believe so...
Also, congratulations on having the strength to go NC (even if after 10 years) and stop enabling him in his addiction (and please dont beat yourself up over it too- you couldnt have left earlier as you just COULDNT (for whatever reason) and you did the best under the circumstances and best to your knowledge at that time, and certainly not purposefully instead.) At least this is how I look at it...
To conclude, thank you so much for your thoughts and Ill definitely try to continue with positive outlook myself, even If I did consider my ex as my friend and we did manage to share a lot (in spite of everything) and so ill miss him no matter what. But as we both clearly now- sometimes the best way to show love is to let someone go and find their own way (even if, as i said, through pain)...
Lots of success to you and dont give up on yourself nor put yourself into some diagnosis box... i know it is easier said than done, but mind indeed IS over matter in my opinion and lot of those spiritual teachers these days support that statement. Thank you for being and full speed ahead now!
<3
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DiggingForFire wow, you sound really brave and determined on your path. I suppose I do have this picture in my head that child has to have two loving parents etc., and Im not sure whether that can change anytime soon for me.
But, I AM willing to be open to surprise myself in a way of seeing at least some things in a new light, and as long as that can still fit into my own value system (meaning, without me compromising my core standards on life), I will strive to make those work.
Thanks again for sharing! Today i feel very sad for everything, so I will use this (and other) stories as a good reminder that things can always be looked at from different angles, and that I shouldn't be so negative with my personal issues and depressive thoughts which i now have in relation to grieving (both the loss of a partner and potential motherhood)... All the best <3
But, I AM willing to be open to surprise myself in a way of seeing at least some things in a new light, and as long as that can still fit into my own value system (meaning, without me compromising my core standards on life), I will strive to make those work.
Thanks again for sharing! Today i feel very sad for everything, so I will use this (and other) stories as a good reminder that things can always be looked at from different angles, and that I shouldn't be so negative with my personal issues and depressive thoughts which i now have in relation to grieving (both the loss of a partner and potential motherhood)... All the best <3
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First of all, you think he was your best friend but in all reality he really was not, an alcoholic is his or her own best friend.
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Endings and loss of relationship can be really hard. And coming out of that sort of fog/ whirlwind when there was addiction/ dysfunction can hit a person like a ton of bricks once you are alone without the distractions of the other person. There can be a lot to grieve, and sort out, for sure.
I like mindfulness too, but I also think there’s this sort of interplay between the past, present and future. Learning from the past (hopefully), and doing things in the present moment, keeping how it will might impact the future in mind, if need be. Funny, last night there were some dishes in the sink, and I really didn’t feel like washing them, but I did anyways because I knew when I woke up I’d dread seeing them, and I’d want my clean cup in the morning for coffee. So I washed them, and sure enough, I was glad for the clean cup. Same thing when you brush and floss your teeth daily and you end up thanking yourself later when you are in and out of the dentist’s office with minimal/ no problems, eating well and exercising, etc and having it pay off later/ when you are older, wearing sunblock..
I know relationships aren’t a dirty coffee cup and I don’t mean to trivialize, but in the same way, the choices when make in the present affect our future. Once the grief and sadness has run it’s course, down the road, you might be thanking yourself for doing this hard, painful thing now.
As far as codependency, I think like with so many other things, the definitions people have, and are using, might vary from person to person. Also, I think some people like to have a label/ term for something, other people don’t like to get caught up in that (like with psychiatric diagnoses/ labels- that happens a lot with those too- some people find them helpful, others don’t like to be defined through them). But I think like with people in 12 step or in other such groups, experiencing an addiction (to a substance, person, food, behavior), sometimes the bottom line is, you have that one thing in common with others. Maybe you’ll find all you have in common with others is you were in a relationship with a person experiencing alcoholism, maybe you’ll find other things in common with others too. But it is nice to have somewhere to go (online or in person- whatever works for you) to get some support when things get intense or painful. Anyways, welcome and good luck sorting it all out.
I like mindfulness too, but I also think there’s this sort of interplay between the past, present and future. Learning from the past (hopefully), and doing things in the present moment, keeping how it will might impact the future in mind, if need be. Funny, last night there were some dishes in the sink, and I really didn’t feel like washing them, but I did anyways because I knew when I woke up I’d dread seeing them, and I’d want my clean cup in the morning for coffee. So I washed them, and sure enough, I was glad for the clean cup
. Same thing when you brush and floss your teeth daily and you end up thanking yourself later when you are in and out of the dentist’s office with minimal/ no problems, eating well and exercising, etc and having it pay off later/ when you are older, wearing sunblock..I know relationships aren’t a dirty coffee cup and I don’t mean to trivialize, but in the same way, the choices when make in the present affect our future. Once the grief and sadness has run it’s course, down the road, you might be thanking yourself for doing this hard, painful thing now.
As far as codependency, I think like with so many other things, the definitions people have, and are using, might vary from person to person. Also, I think some people like to have a label/ term for something, other people don’t like to get caught up in that (like with psychiatric diagnoses/ labels- that happens a lot with those too- some people find them helpful, others don’t like to be defined through them). But I think like with people in 12 step or in other such groups, experiencing an addiction (to a substance, person, food, behavior), sometimes the bottom line is, you have that one thing in common with others. Maybe you’ll find all you have in common with others is you were in a relationship with a person experiencing alcoholism, maybe you’ll find other things in common with others too. But it is nice to have somewhere to go (online or in person- whatever works for you) to get some support when things get intense or painful. Anyways, welcome and good luck sorting it all out.
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Originally Posted by pdm22 
Endings and loss of relationship can be really hard. And coming out of that sort of fog/ whirlwind when there was addiction/ dysfunction can hit a person like a ton of bricks once you are alone without the distractions of the other person. There can be a lot to grieve, and sort out, for sure.
I like mindfulness too, but I also think there’s this sort of interplay between the past, present and future. Learning from the past (hopefully), and doing things in the present moment, keeping how it will might impact the future in mind, if need be. Funny, last night there were some dishes in the sink, and I really didn’t feel like washing them, but I did anyways because I knew when I woke up I’d dread seeing them, and I’d want my clean cup in the morning for coffee. So I washed them, and sure enough, I was glad for the clean cup. Same thing when you brush and floss your teeth daily and you end up thanking yourself later when you are in and out of the dentist’s office with minimal/ no problems, eating well and exercising, etc and having it pay off later/ when you are older, wearing sunblock..
I know relationships aren’t a dirty coffee cup and I don’t mean to trivialize, but in the same way, the choices when make in the present affect our future. Once the grief and sadness has run it’s course, down the road, you might be thanking yourself for doing this hard, painful thing now.
As far as codependency, I think like with so many other things, the definitions people have, and are using, might vary from person to person. Also, I think some people like to have a label/ term for something, other people don’t like to get caught up in that (like with psychiatric diagnoses/ labels- that happens a lot with those too- some people find them helpful, others don’t like to be defined through them). But I think like with people in 12 step or in other such groups, experiencing an addiction (to a substance, person, food, behavior), sometimes the bottom line is, you have that one thing in common with others. Maybe you’ll find all you have in common with others is you were in a relationship with a person experiencing alcoholism, maybe you’ll find other things in common with others too. But it is nice to have somewhere to go (online or in person- whatever works for you) to get some support when things get intense or painful. Anyways, welcome and good luck sorting it all out.
I like mindfulness too, but I also think there’s this sort of interplay between the past, present and future. Learning from the past (hopefully), and doing things in the present moment, keeping how it will might impact the future in mind, if need be. Funny, last night there were some dishes in the sink, and I really didn’t feel like washing them, but I did anyways because I knew when I woke up I’d dread seeing them, and I’d want my clean cup in the morning for coffee. So I washed them, and sure enough, I was glad for the clean cup
. Same thing when you brush and floss your teeth daily and you end up thanking yourself later when you are in and out of the dentist’s office with minimal/ no problems, eating well and exercising, etc and having it pay off later/ when you are older, wearing sunblock..I know relationships aren’t a dirty coffee cup and I don’t mean to trivialize, but in the same way, the choices when make in the present affect our future. Once the grief and sadness has run it’s course, down the road, you might be thanking yourself for doing this hard, painful thing now.
As far as codependency, I think like with so many other things, the definitions people have, and are using, might vary from person to person. Also, I think some people like to have a label/ term for something, other people don’t like to get caught up in that (like with psychiatric diagnoses/ labels- that happens a lot with those too- some people find them helpful, others don’t like to be defined through them). But I think like with people in 12 step or in other such groups, experiencing an addiction (to a substance, person, food, behavior), sometimes the bottom line is, you have that one thing in common with others. Maybe you’ll find all you have in common with others is you were in a relationship with a person experiencing alcoholism, maybe you’ll find other things in common with others too. But it is nice to have somewhere to go (online or in person- whatever works for you) to get some support when things get intense or painful. Anyways, welcome and good luck sorting it all out.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
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Originally Posted by fionamccarthy
Ophelia thank you so much for sharing.
Originally Posted by fionamccarthy
your story sounds indeed very tragic in terms of spending years and years with a person
Originally Posted by fionamccarthy
meaning it IS still POSSIBLE (please believe me on that) to reverse lot of those symptoms you have, if not all of them.
Originally Posted by fionamccarthy
To conclude, thank you so much for your thoughts and Ill definitely try to continue with positive outlook myself, even If I did consider my ex as my friend
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I see! Well, im not forcing myself into positivity, i am just optimistic by nature! But thanks again for sharing your experience and your insights based on that experience! I certainly am grieving and its not easy! But ill manage somehow and everyones support has been amazing! I wish you the very best btw in any way and in whatever you find helpful in your own life! Blessings!
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The one mistake I *didn't* make was to have children with my AH. The difference was that I never wanted children. One of my friends never found the right man and eventually adopted a child.
As for being comfortable with being single, I would agree. My AH died when I was 53. Desperation isn't attractive. The better my attitude, the more at peace I was with myself, the more secure I felt in making a life for myself with or without a mate, the better I was in presenting myself to the dating world.
As for being comfortable with being single, I would agree. My AH died when I was 53. Desperation isn't attractive. The better my attitude, the more at peace I was with myself, the more secure I felt in making a life for myself with or without a mate, the better I was in presenting myself to the dating world.
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Fiona-
I was in a similar situation as you. I am 42 now.
Working on my recovery helped me to open up to all of the options out there in this big world that my previous self could not even consider. I am still considering adoption but before I got serious about that life presented me with a wonderful learning opportunity.
In a nutshell I have had a non-biological related young man living with me for the last four years. It has been a wonderful gift for us both (his mom lived with me for part of the time).
I have learned so much about how parenting might be challenging for me in a one step removed situation. It has been a good experience for us both.
So my experience was I needed to help me, so I could then help myself.
I was in a similar situation as you. I am 42 now.
Working on my recovery helped me to open up to all of the options out there in this big world that my previous self could not even consider. I am still considering adoption but before I got serious about that life presented me with a wonderful learning opportunity.
In a nutshell I have had a non-biological related young man living with me for the last four years. It has been a wonderful gift for us both (his mom lived with me for part of the time).
I have learned so much about how parenting might be challenging for me in a one step removed situation. It has been a good experience for us both.
So my experience was I needed to help me, so I could then help myself.
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I am 41 also now and just broke up with my ex in the last year after almost 4 years together. I am not mad at myself really, but kind of just sad maybe? I too feel the pangs now that I lost my child-bearing years by staying in something so destructive that I knew was not sustainable. Our physical relationship ended a year ago so by now I am mostly over my feelings for him, but trying to date has been difficult. The more I date and have these failed short relationships, the more I feel like I truly am never going to have a family I thought I would have. I sometimes even think I just wasn't meant to at this point. I understand how you feel. I do think there is still hope for us both however. 41 is not too old I don't think? And I truly don't believe the years were wasted. I truly feel we were maybe meant to go through the experience? Maybe it's just what I say so that I feel better. But who knows?
I did run into a woman recently at a wedding who stopped to tell me I was beautiful. I was obviously so flattered and then somehow we got to talking and I shared my age and she said "I'd give anything to be 41 again". She was in her 60's. So I think it's really all just relative. There is still time, but now that you know how precious it is....don't wait.
I did run into a woman recently at a wedding who stopped to tell me I was beautiful. I was obviously so flattered and then somehow we got to talking and I shared my age and she said "I'd give anything to be 41 again". She was in her 60's. So I think it's really all just relative. There is still time, but now that you know how precious it is....don't wait.
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Originally Posted by Smarie78
I am 41 also now and just broke up with my ex in the last year after almost 4 years together. I am not mad at myself really, but kind of just sad maybe? I too feel the pangs now that I lost my child-bearing years by staying in something so destructive that I knew was not sustainable. Our physical relationship ended a year ago so by now I am mostly over my feelings for him, but trying to date has been difficult. The more I date and have these failed short relationships, the more I feel like I truly am never going to have a family I thought I would have. I sometimes even think I just wasn't meant to at this point. I understand how you feel. I do think there is still hope for us both however. 41 is not too old I don't think? And I truly don't believe the years were wasted. I truly feel we were maybe meant to go through the experience? Maybe it's just what I say so that I feel better. But who knows?
I did run into a woman recently at a wedding who stopped to tell me I was beautiful. I was obviously so flattered and then somehow we got to talking and I shared my age and she said "I'd give anything to be 41 again". She was in her 60's. So I think it's really all just relative. There is still time, but now that you know how precious it is....don't wait.
I did run into a woman recently at a wedding who stopped to tell me I was beautiful. I was obviously so flattered and then somehow we got to talking and I shared my age and she said "I'd give anything to be 41 again". She was in her 60's. So I think it's really all just relative. There is still time, but now that you know how precious it is....don't wait.
Sadly, he didnt ‘choose’ that path. At least for now!
Whats maybe even worse (and youre right to say that theres no time to waste) is that i somehow (and im doing NC for few weeks now) am still fully emotionally invested in him, so I cant really move on at this point in a sense of being available for another relationship. So on one hand I feel pressure for the above mentioned, and at the same time, i dont think its ok to force myself into something i dont want to do! So its a catch 22 for me at the moment. Hopefully, it wont take too long until im over him emotionally, so that I can move on and perhaps still be able to realise family, if any biological possibility left. But if would have to be out of love, i wouldnt do it otherwise. One other thing is adopting as a single parent, and I could consider that option alright.
Can I ask you btw- when did you ‘turn the corner’ so to speak? Meaning, when did you stop being emotionally attached to him after a break up? After how long? And I know its different for everyone, but Im just curious, as thoughts of him still occupy the majority of my day. Even if I dont obsess about him at all, as I respect his path, however painful. But I do miss his presence immensley...hope that makes sense!! Thanks again for his message, it couldnt be a better timing to receive it as I was feeling quite low again, thinking about my future
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
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Originally Posted by dandylion
Fiona......these d ays, it is quite common for women to freeze their eggs.....for possible future use......
I thought of freezing mine when I was in my 30s. Then I thought, "Hmm... I'm with this guy and he's not perfect but no one is... so I don't have to freeze my eggs... because... I'll just wait long enough -- maybe until I'm 40 -- and then he'll eventually be dependable!" That imperfect guy turned out to be my qualifier.
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That sounds doable but i heard some horror stories in relation to that-process can be quite a rollercoaster ride in terms of hormonal levels jumping up and down, aches and pains etc. Not sure if I have the strenght at the moment for that😕
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
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Originally Posted by fionamccarthy
That sounds doable but i heard some horror stories in relation to that-process can be quite a rollercoaster ride in terms of hormonal levels jumping up and down, aches and pains etc. Not sure if I have the strenght at the moment for that��
You need to discuss this with a doctor. At least you will know what your options are.
If you decide not to freeze eggs or adopt, it might comfort you to know that raising a child costs as much as a really fancy sports car... and that's if you only spend money on necessities. It also takes a lot of emotional and physical energy to raise a child and the worrying never stops... even when they grow up (just ask my parents, they know); and no one (especially mothers) feels they can ever say that they regret their decision because they will be labeled as "evil".
This may or may not apply to you: historically women have always been defined by their relationships to others: they are daughters, wives, mothers. Picasso dated female artists that are best known for being his lovers. So to lose a relationship or the ability to bear children, for a woman this is often seen as a social failure -- and women are raised to respond to and reinforce social norms (they make appointments, they remember birthdays, they cook for large gatherings... etc). So the grief of infertility is multifaceted: it's lonely, it feels like a loss or a failure, it feels like your future is smaller... etc.
Also, if you decide to harvest your eggs, the hormone changes and aches and pains are temporary. I know people who have harvested their eggs. It's not so terrible. Childbirth is worse (and even that is temporary)!
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Originally Posted by OpheliaKatz
You can always make an appointment just to talk about it. They take blood tests, look at your ovarian reserve and all that before you decide if you want to do it. You need information before you can decide if you want to do it or if it's even possible. None of the initial appointments are painful or involve hormones. Bear in mind that although people think IVF or egg freezing is always possible, it is only possible for some women.
You need to discuss this with a doctor. At least you will know what your options are.
If you decide not to freeze eggs or adopt, it might comfort you to know that raising a child costs as much as a really fancy sports car... and that's if you only spend money on necessities. It also takes a lot of emotional and physical energy to raise a child and the worrying never stops... even when they grow up (just ask my parents, they know); and no one (especially mothers) feels they can ever say that they regret their decision because they will be labeled as "evil".
This may or may not apply to you: historically women have always been defined by their relationships to others: they are daughters, wives, mothers. Picasso dated female artists that are best known for being his lovers. So to lose a relationship or the ability to bear children, for a woman this is often seen as a social failure -- and women are raised to respond to and reinforce social norms (they make appointments, they remember birthdays, they cook for large gatherings... etc). So the grief of infertility is multifaceted: it's lonely, it feels like a loss or a failure, it feels like your future is smaller... etc.
Also, if you decide to harvest your eggs, the hormone changes and aches and pains are temporary. I know people who have harvested their eggs. It's not so terrible. Childbirth is worse (and even that is temporary)!
You need to discuss this with a doctor. At least you will know what your options are.
If you decide not to freeze eggs or adopt, it might comfort you to know that raising a child costs as much as a really fancy sports car... and that's if you only spend money on necessities. It also takes a lot of emotional and physical energy to raise a child and the worrying never stops... even when they grow up (just ask my parents, they know); and no one (especially mothers) feels they can ever say that they regret their decision because they will be labeled as "evil".
This may or may not apply to you: historically women have always been defined by their relationships to others: they are daughters, wives, mothers. Picasso dated female artists that are best known for being his lovers. So to lose a relationship or the ability to bear children, for a woman this is often seen as a social failure -- and women are raised to respond to and reinforce social norms (they make appointments, they remember birthdays, they cook for large gatherings... etc). So the grief of infertility is multifaceted: it's lonely, it feels like a loss or a failure, it feels like your future is smaller... etc.
Also, if you decide to harvest your eggs, the hormone changes and aches and pains are temporary. I know people who have harvested their eggs. It's not so terrible. Childbirth is worse (and even that is temporary)!
I still struggle with this NC that is going on. As i would still like to be able to talk with him at one point when the emotions cool off on my side. However, im afraid if he doesnt contact me, I wont contact him either and that would be a weird wrap up of our years long bond. I dont know, I suppose I can still see him as a friend longterm. So now im mourning that too and preparing that even that wont be possible between us...
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Maybe, maybe not. The thing is, once you really get some distance you may find that isn't something you want anyway (friendship). You will fill your life up with other family, friends and whatever you do.
Right now there is a big gaping hole where that relationship was and you have lost your closest confidant, but that will change over time.
You might just get to a point where you just wish him well and move along with your own interests/relationships. It's hard to imagine now.
Also, with alcoholism there can be a progression (perhaps that is what you encountered). The person you know today may not be the person he is in a year or two.
It will take time, I know this is all very hurtful right now. Hang in there.
Right now there is a big gaping hole where that relationship was and you have lost your closest confidant, but that will change over time.
You might just get to a point where you just wish him well and move along with your own interests/relationships. It's hard to imagine now.
Also, with alcoholism there can be a progression (perhaps that is what you encountered). The person you know today may not be the person he is in a year or two.
It will take time, I know this is all very hurtful right now. Hang in there.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
Maybe, maybe not. The thing is, once you really get some distance you may find that isn't something you want anyway (friendship). You will fill your life up with other family, friends and whatever you do.
Right now there is a big gaping hole where that relationship was and you have lost your closest confidant, but that will change over time.
You might just get to a point where you just wish him well and move along with your own interests/relationships. It's hard to imagine now.
Also, with alcoholism there can be a progression (perhaps that is what you encountered). The person you know today may not be the person he is in a year or two.
It will take time, I know this is all very hurtful right now. Hang in there.
Right now there is a big gaping hole where that relationship was and you have lost your closest confidant, but that will change over time.
You might just get to a point where you just wish him well and move along with your own interests/relationships. It's hard to imagine now.
Also, with alcoholism there can be a progression (perhaps that is what you encountered). The person you know today may not be the person he is in a year or two.
It will take time, I know this is all very hurtful right now. Hang in there.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Originally Posted by fionamccarthy
And my only dilemma is whether I can possibly do anything else in order to support his healing besides NC (in the long run)...
There a few types of relationships where one member is an addict. Here are two types:
1. the addict wants to keep using their drug of choice, the partner (who may or may not initially be codependent but over time develops codependent behaviors), tries to "help" the addict repeatedly in many different ways... thus giving the addict the option of not taking FULL ownership of the consequences of their choices. In this way, the addict is able to be drunk or high and yet live a "normal-ish" life, with friends, family, and colleagues tiptoeing around their "disease". The addict may or may not choose sobriety of his/her own free will without intervention from friends, family, or colleagues. Or they may progress to number 2 (below).
2. the addict wants to keep using their drug of choice, the partner (described as before), enables the addict via tireless displays of love, patience, self-sacrifice, and/or financial "donations". The addict, who wants to keep using his/her DOC, but also wants to continue the relationship where his/her partner is a magic bank account that never gets over-drawn, develops an ability to lie without guilt (because now there are no more boundaries anywhere). Because at this point, the "disease" has progressed to the point that the addict is no longer in control. It is the drug in control, using the addict's body to abuse his/her friends, family, colleagues. In this case, the codependent is no longer trying to manage a "conscious human being"*, they are trying to manage the demon that invaded the person's body (I am not exaggerating here -- I have seen some scary ****). The addict may or may not choose sobriety of his/her own free will without intervention from friends, family, or colleagues. Or they may progress to number 3 (below).
3. There are more than three stages, officially. But I just want to keep it simple. Late stage addiction or alcoholism kills. It kills the addict. It CAN kill the people around him/her. Codependency is also progressive: eventually your world will shrink so that it's just you and the addict... because you start losing things until it's just you and YOUR drug of choice, which is the addict. In "late stage codependency" you lose everything: friends, family, job, money, home, health.
When people says that addiction is progressive, they don't just mean the addict gets sicker, their behavior changes too. You go NC to protect yourself or your hair goes prematurely white. Ted Talks tend to oversimplify things. The internet is full of uninformed articles written by people who have not been in the trenches that are terrible for friends and family members of addicts.
I would take the focus off him and focus on your recovery. I read threads that are several years old where people say, "but he's/she's not like the others, I love him/her." Then several years down the road those same people are saying that the addict has stolen from them, cheated on them, or physically assaulted them.
I'm not saying there are no stories of addiction recovery... but that takes years. What do you want to do with your life that you have put on hold?
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Originally Posted by fionamccarthy
I have watched one of the TedEx videos where someone talked about addictions and said that the most important thing for all addicts are to know that they are loved and that they have a friend in us significant others, even if we are not with them any longer! And Im sure he knows I do care about him deeply, i told him many times, but I believe he is now angry too that I didnt want to stick around nor ‘play by his rules’ so to speak (although i didnt block him nor vice versa so he can still reach out if he wanted to) ... What Im saying is, Im not sure what to think of this friendship option.
This spot you're in, this question about whether you as a former romantic partner should be there as his friend while he struggles - this only keeps you emotionally involved in a situation that does not give back to you. It also prevents you from being open to someone who can give back to you and be a real friend and lover. I'm interested in the link to that TED talk, if you have it, because I'd like to hear that quote in context. I can't imagine that any recovery speaker worthy of a TED talk would recommend that former lovers stick around and keep "loving" their alcoholic partners as friends after having severed romantic ties.
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