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Proud of you.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
frat house living.....that seems to be the "resting state" for many AH types left to their own devices. too "busy" to be bothered with cleaning up after themselves, putting anything away, or paying bills. pffffft, not for men of leisure!
most excellent job to be your own witness to your reactions - dirty clothes - oh i should pick those up, put them in the laundry basket, pre-treat, wash, dry and fold them! dishes - those should be washed and put away!!! bills - ten minutes i can have these babies paid! toilets - just a quick zap of bleach and a swish and swipe and we're good!
it's pretty normal to respond to those things - but also exceptionally well thought out to realize IT AIN'T YOUR STUFF! you felt somewhat impelled to DO something, thought it through and chose to just leave it. that's pretty dang huge!
most excellent job to be your own witness to your reactions - dirty clothes - oh i should pick those up, put them in the laundry basket, pre-treat, wash, dry and fold them! dishes - those should be washed and put away!!! bills - ten minutes i can have these babies paid! toilets - just a quick zap of bleach and a swish and swipe and we're good!
it's pretty normal to respond to those things - but also exceptionally well thought out to realize IT AIN'T YOUR STUFF! you felt somewhat impelled to DO something, thought it through and chose to just leave it. that's pretty dang huge!
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,004
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
most excellent job to be your own witness to your reactions - dirty clothes - oh i should pick those up, put them in the laundry basket, pre-treat, wash, dry and fold them! dishes - those should be washed and put away!!! bills - ten minutes i can have these babies paid! toilets - just a quick zap of bleach and a swish and swipe and we're good!
We have to get out of there way and let them do what they need/choose to do. But damn it is hard.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 94
It's very difficult to get in that 'just stay out of the way' mindset because the urge to take care of him is still incredibly present. Like what is he eating, is he taking care of himself, is he sleeping, etc etc. It's so hard being on the other side and just letting myself watch him fall apart. Because at the end of the day, issues and problems aside, this is still a man I love very much.
On another note-- he's still on me about the damn beard comb!! Hasn't said a word to me since Monday, but texted me at about 1am last night saying 'I see you grabbed more things from our home/bathroom but my beard comb is still missing. Cool.' I'm assuming he was drunk because I've caught on that he doesn't want to talk to me while sober.
And here's the thing...I found the beard comb and I put it where I thought he would find it. Argued with me through text but then abruptly went quiet which I'm assuming means he found it. But what the heck!? Why is he so fixated on this one, tiny little thing? Makes no sense to me whatsoever.
On another note-- he's still on me about the damn beard comb!! Hasn't said a word to me since Monday, but texted me at about 1am last night saying 'I see you grabbed more things from our home/bathroom but my beard comb is still missing. Cool.' I'm assuming he was drunk because I've caught on that he doesn't want to talk to me while sober.
And here's the thing...I found the beard comb and I put it where I thought he would find it. Argued with me through text but then abruptly went quiet which I'm assuming means he found it. But what the heck!? Why is he so fixated on this one, tiny little thing? Makes no sense to me whatsoever.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
When we are going through big changes, we all tend to fixate on small things we think we can control, to try to make it seem more manageable.
When you engage with him about this minutiae, you just validate that it's important, when it isn't. He may not be able to let go of it, but you certainly can.
When you engage with him about this minutiae, you just validate that it's important, when it isn't. He may not be able to let go of it, but you certainly can.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 395
My XAGF always focused on tiny things. Whenever I moved out (during the early years)... yes, I made so many attempts... she’d text me endlessly about things she accused me of stealing. As the years went by & I’d unfortunately crumble... move back in... later, I’d find those exact items on her dresser or within the nightstand in CLEAR view! So I knew it was such controlling BS!!!
It’s one of the many positives about leaving such insanity for good!
Just bypass those items he is obsessing about... don’t even acknowledge them in any text conversation. It’ll just thrown you back into his insanity.
Stay the course! You’re so close! Bring a friend & grab the remaining items next week... & then, that’s that!
rootin’ for you!
It’s one of the many positives about leaving such insanity for good!
Just bypass those items he is obsessing about... don’t even acknowledge them in any text conversation. It’ll just thrown you back into his insanity.
Stay the course! You’re so close! Bring a friend & grab the remaining items next week... & then, that’s that!
rootin’ for you!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,639
Yes, it makes no sense at all to us, that's so true.
My Father (an alcoholic) had a fixation on an electric knife. When my parents divorced I think my Mom could have taken the whole household as long as she left that knife. He had money, that wasn't the issue, he could have bought a hundred. It had no sentimental value that I'm aware of.
Married to someone for over 20 years but god help you if you take the electric knife!
I think she actually did lol
So yeah, it's a thing.
My Father (an alcoholic) had a fixation on an electric knife. When my parents divorced I think my Mom could have taken the whole household as long as she left that knife. He had money, that wasn't the issue, he could have bought a hundred. It had no sentimental value that I'm aware of.
Married to someone for over 20 years but god help you if you take the electric knife!
I think she actually did lol
So yeah, it's a thing.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 94
Hi Mango, I'm hanging in there. Thank you for checking in 
Mostly getting ready for my big move this weekend. AH and I actually met in person on Sunday and went through all our belongings. Shockingly, he wasn't a nightmare. There were times when he even cracked a couple of inside jokes. It was mostly quiet...the entire thing was very finalizing and really difficult emotionally for both of us.
The good news is that I'm not starting over with nothing...although he definitely made out better. Mostly because I didn't want to fight, so I was willing to part with a lot. After I left, I went to the store and bought replacement items on my emergency credit card. Figured that's what it's there for. We have to meet again on Friday to finish, and he asked me to help clean the house when he moves out. As long as he can keep on being decent like this, I don't mind.
That's not to say everything has been sunshine. He texted me he hated me a couple of times before we met. Left a nice little pile of ripped up birthday cards, Valentine's Day cards, wedding photos, etc by the front door where I wouldn't miss them when I walked in the house. I just quietly swept them up and didn't say a word. He's also choosing to make me pay for the $400 health insurance on my own since I'm the only one who used it this month. But like I said...I'm not fighting with him. I just want to get this over with.
I'm okay for the most part. Feeling sad as this chapter finally comes to a close and I settle on the fact that my marriage really is ending, that this is over. AH and I had a lot of happiness at one point, and I think that's what makes me feel this way. I know that wasn't the case anymore, but I do still love the guy and I think I'm grieving what we should have had.
Just taking things one day at a time. Trying to get through this week and make my big move into my new apartment.
Mostly getting ready for my big move this weekend. AH and I actually met in person on Sunday and went through all our belongings. Shockingly, he wasn't a nightmare. There were times when he even cracked a couple of inside jokes. It was mostly quiet...the entire thing was very finalizing and really difficult emotionally for both of us.
The good news is that I'm not starting over with nothing...although he definitely made out better. Mostly because I didn't want to fight, so I was willing to part with a lot. After I left, I went to the store and bought replacement items on my emergency credit card. Figured that's what it's there for. We have to meet again on Friday to finish, and he asked me to help clean the house when he moves out. As long as he can keep on being decent like this, I don't mind.
That's not to say everything has been sunshine. He texted me he hated me a couple of times before we met. Left a nice little pile of ripped up birthday cards, Valentine's Day cards, wedding photos, etc by the front door where I wouldn't miss them when I walked in the house. I just quietly swept them up and didn't say a word. He's also choosing to make me pay for the $400 health insurance on my own since I'm the only one who used it this month. But like I said...I'm not fighting with him. I just want to get this over with.
I'm okay for the most part. Feeling sad as this chapter finally comes to a close and I settle on the fact that my marriage really is ending, that this is over. AH and I had a lot of happiness at one point, and I think that's what makes me feel this way. I know that wasn't the case anymore, but I do still love the guy and I think I'm grieving what we should have had.
Just taking things one day at a time. Trying to get through this week and make my big move into my new apartment.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Sounds like you have a lot of good, balanced awareness and plans.
Whatever extra it costs to be moving forward, may it come back to you in many good ways -- financially and others.
The grieving, honoring and recognizing what was seems to be a part of this process that comes in different time frames. Okay and safe to feel feelings.
Whatever extra it costs to be moving forward, may it come back to you in many good ways -- financially and others.
The grieving, honoring and recognizing what was seems to be a part of this process that comes in different time frames. Okay and safe to feel feelings.
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