Next Step
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,629
Is there really a need to go through belongings? Does he want to do an item by item inventory??
Most household items can be easily distributed, furniture etc the same, negotiated and personal items are personal.
If you feel things could be expedited by meeting him then please take 1 or 2 friends/family members with you?
Most household items can be easily distributed, furniture etc the same, negotiated and personal items are personal.
If you feel things could be expedited by meeting him then please take 1 or 2 friends/family members with you?
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
As you shift focus and put effort into simply being kind to yourself, kindness to others comes naturally. Perhaps it doesn't look like what 'kindness' used to entail.
Not engaging can definitely be a kindness.
((((hugs))))
Not engaging can definitely be a kindness.
((((hugs))))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 94
He's making it seem like it is. He's also angry because I have the vehicle that's in both of our names. He has a work truck and a car, I do not.
All his texts right now are very abrasive and downright mean...accusing me of stealing his combs, that he doesn't trust me anymore, that he doesn't care if I don't have a car, 'poor little you with no car', etc. I have never seen him so hostile. I can't decide if I want to be angry or if I want to cry.
All his texts right now are very abrasive and downright mean...accusing me of stealing his combs, that he doesn't trust me anymore, that he doesn't care if I don't have a car, 'poor little you with no car', etc. I have never seen him so hostile. I can't decide if I want to be angry or if I want to cry.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Careful. You want to be very careful. Don't talk to him and don't be alone with him ever. I would probably block his calls and texts and let someone else read them and decide if you need to know what's on the text. I might even change my phone number. Let attorneys work this stuff out, he's unstable right now.
I can see both sides of the car issue.
All this gets figured out in Separation Documents. What's going on with that? You'll need an agreement on the car, and unfortunately, I can see both sides of this. I mean, we always suggest that people disengage financially - and especially with vehicles, which can cause huge liabilities like accidents, repair bills, or theft. I would imagine it's one of your largest joint assets, yeah? I would figure this out ASAP, for both of your peace of minds.
I can see both sides of the car issue.
All this gets figured out in Separation Documents. What's going on with that? You'll need an agreement on the car, and unfortunately, I can see both sides of this. I mean, we always suggest that people disengage financially - and especially with vehicles, which can cause huge liabilities like accidents, repair bills, or theft. I would imagine it's one of your largest joint assets, yeah? I would figure this out ASAP, for both of your peace of minds.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 395
emmab219: I wasn't married to my ex & there are folks on here with far more experience than I have.. but breaks my heart hearing the type of texts he's sending you. It really does start to break a person's spirit. My XAGF would send me verbally abusive, angry, threatening, hurtful, heart breaking texts... she'd call me 30-40x a night (when I'd leave during an argument)... & VM's from hell. It began to destroy me until I blocked her.
I know a marriage is far more complex in terms of a connection to someone (re: legal issues, $, possessions, etc). But just my two cents: your mental health & well being are by far the MOST IMPORTANT thing in your life right NOW! Not any person or amount of possessions on this planet are worth destroying your mind, body, spirit for. Those texts are unacceptable & no wonder why you're so emotional, feeling down, & overwhelmed with sadness... ANYONE would feel exactly the same way.
Listen, I know you said he doesn't have email (who doesn't have email?). But some kind of new boundary has to be created (in my opinion). You receiving these verbally abusive texts all day will eat you alive... hang in there... there has to be another method of communication that doesn't destroy your well being.
I know a marriage is far more complex in terms of a connection to someone (re: legal issues, $, possessions, etc). But just my two cents: your mental health & well being are by far the MOST IMPORTANT thing in your life right NOW! Not any person or amount of possessions on this planet are worth destroying your mind, body, spirit for. Those texts are unacceptable & no wonder why you're so emotional, feeling down, & overwhelmed with sadness... ANYONE would feel exactly the same way.
Listen, I know you said he doesn't have email (who doesn't have email?). But some kind of new boundary has to be created (in my opinion). You receiving these verbally abusive texts all day will eat you alive... hang in there... there has to be another method of communication that doesn't destroy your well being.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
"Stealing his combs"? Okay, that is beyond ridiculous. You know this is crazy, right?
If he doesn't have an email address, you can create one for him (I know this sounds like doing stuff for him he could do himself, but this might make things easier for you). I did this in the early days of my separation from ex when we had to settle details and he would claim that he wasn't getting my emails, and I didn't want to do anything without a written record (i.e. did not want to discuss matters face to face).
Go to the google accounts creation page and create a ***** account (https://accounts.google.com/signup/v...owEntry=SignUp). It takes about three minutes. Call it something like ExStuff******.com. Create a password (not one you use with anything else!) and text it to him. Tell him you are going to use this email to communicate with him. It costs him nothing, and assuming he's able to operate a computer he will be able to access it.
Then send all your material to that email address, with a bcc to your own personal email address . You will have a written record of what you sent when, and because you have the password too, you will see whether a message has been read or not, if you need to.
If he doesn't have an email address, you can create one for him (I know this sounds like doing stuff for him he could do himself, but this might make things easier for you). I did this in the early days of my separation from ex when we had to settle details and he would claim that he wasn't getting my emails, and I didn't want to do anything without a written record (i.e. did not want to discuss matters face to face).
Go to the google accounts creation page and create a ***** account (https://accounts.google.com/signup/v...owEntry=SignUp). It takes about three minutes. Call it something like ExStuff******.com. Create a password (not one you use with anything else!) and text it to him. Tell him you are going to use this email to communicate with him. It costs him nothing, and assuming he's able to operate a computer he will be able to access it.
Then send all your material to that email address, with a bcc to your own personal email address . You will have a written record of what you sent when, and because you have the password too, you will see whether a message has been read or not, if you need to.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,629
On the one hand it's angry making, on the other, it's truly hurtful when anyone throws vitriol at you like that, especially someone that you still care about in some ways.
If at all possible, try to get somewhere in the middle and focus on the job at hand (yes, I know, much easier said than done). Try to think of it more as a business situation than an emotional one. I need to get X items, this is how I will (physically) do it. Write out a list of what you would like to take.
Then it becomes a negotiation, which may or may not go well. You approaching it as a business negotiation may help him calm down as well (not your goal of course as you have no control over him).
NYC brings up some really good points, this is not worth your mental well-being. I'm not sure what your timeline is but you are entitled to take a breather here. If you would like a week to plan this and work out the details just tell him that. I will contact you next Friday with details, in the meantime I would like to take the bed, mixer, bedding and towels (just make a list of the most important).
Barring any argument, go pick those up as soon as you can (again, with friends/family).
That can all be done through text. He may WANT to talk to you in person, doesn't mean you have to do that at all. It's a reasonable idea when coming from a reasonable person. He is not that person right now.
If at all possible, try to get somewhere in the middle and focus on the job at hand (yes, I know, much easier said than done). Try to think of it more as a business situation than an emotional one. I need to get X items, this is how I will (physically) do it. Write out a list of what you would like to take.
Then it becomes a negotiation, which may or may not go well. You approaching it as a business negotiation may help him calm down as well (not your goal of course as you have no control over him).
NYC brings up some really good points, this is not worth your mental well-being. I'm not sure what your timeline is but you are entitled to take a breather here. If you would like a week to plan this and work out the details just tell him that. I will contact you next Friday with details, in the meantime I would like to take the bed, mixer, bedding and towels (just make a list of the most important).
Barring any argument, go pick those up as soon as you can (again, with friends/family).
That can all be done through text. He may WANT to talk to you in person, doesn't mean you have to do that at all. It's a reasonable idea when coming from a reasonable person. He is not that person right now.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
as hard as it may be, it's time to cease any attempts at conversation with him about anything. now it becomes transactional. and focus on the things you CAN control.
you can commit all your finances to paper - all the debts, insurance, assets, credit. know exactly what is owed, to whom and for what. identify the bills that stay with the house and get your name OFF. same with bank accounts and credit cards.
assume you will get zero cooperation from him and act accordingly. don't do FOR him what he can and should (like getting the house in order). consider alternatives for health insurance. don't rely on him to step up and pay his part. act as if he will not.
think very hard about what you have left in the house and that you "want" - you mentioned you were buying all new furniture anyways, so is that bed REALLY a deal breaker? or kitchen gadgets? i am NOT minimizing your wants - but sometimes we have to cut our losses and make do, or do without.
hopefully you now already have possession of all important legal documents - birth certificate, passport, SS card, life insurance, tax returns, etc.
to the best of your ability, set emotions aside for now. expect the worst and do not trust your AH at all whatsover right now. do NOT go to that house alone. stay off social media, do not take the bait on incendiary texts full of threats and accusations. do KEEP all such texts.
shore up your support system. this is not to build a team of AH haters, only emma lovers.
you can commit all your finances to paper - all the debts, insurance, assets, credit. know exactly what is owed, to whom and for what. identify the bills that stay with the house and get your name OFF. same with bank accounts and credit cards.
assume you will get zero cooperation from him and act accordingly. don't do FOR him what he can and should (like getting the house in order). consider alternatives for health insurance. don't rely on him to step up and pay his part. act as if he will not.
think very hard about what you have left in the house and that you "want" - you mentioned you were buying all new furniture anyways, so is that bed REALLY a deal breaker? or kitchen gadgets? i am NOT minimizing your wants - but sometimes we have to cut our losses and make do, or do without.
hopefully you now already have possession of all important legal documents - birth certificate, passport, SS card, life insurance, tax returns, etc.
to the best of your ability, set emotions aside for now. expect the worst and do not trust your AH at all whatsover right now. do NOT go to that house alone. stay off social media, do not take the bait on incendiary texts full of threats and accusations. do KEEP all such texts.
shore up your support system. this is not to build a team of AH haters, only emma lovers.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 94
I know the comb thing is absolutely ridiculous. It makes no sense to me at all why he would choose to focus on such a small, petty thing. If I wanted to be petty, I surely would have taken something other than a beard comb. Like his Playstation. But thankfully, I'm a rational adult person.
I've sort of just closed myself off emotionally and have been trying to just shut down that part of my brain. Thinking about it as a business transaction is exactly how I'm functioning. We haven't been in contact since the last message he sent me yesterday because I'm not engaging with him if all he's going to do is act like a petulant child.
I'm going today to get whatever I can fit into my SUV and then am borrowing a truck for the rest of my things on a day later this week. In the end, I'm not fighting him over belongings. You all are right. It's not worth my mental health. I want the car because I need it, and if he wants to fight over that (because he does have a right over it) we can do it in court.
I know that he's hurting and he's angry, but I feel like I am getting a real eye opener here. My mom made a good point, that his behavior is just further reiterating why I'm leaving. I've seen him act this way before (not this extreme, but still angry, immature and petulant) but it's much different being on the receiving end.
I've sort of just closed myself off emotionally and have been trying to just shut down that part of my brain. Thinking about it as a business transaction is exactly how I'm functioning. We haven't been in contact since the last message he sent me yesterday because I'm not engaging with him if all he's going to do is act like a petulant child.
I'm going today to get whatever I can fit into my SUV and then am borrowing a truck for the rest of my things on a day later this week. In the end, I'm not fighting him over belongings. You all are right. It's not worth my mental health. I want the car because I need it, and if he wants to fight over that (because he does have a right over it) we can do it in court.
I know that he's hurting and he's angry, but I feel like I am getting a real eye opener here. My mom made a good point, that his behavior is just further reiterating why I'm leaving. I've seen him act this way before (not this extreme, but still angry, immature and petulant) but it's much different being on the receiving end.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 573
As you are painfully finding out, alcoholics can be very immature and ugly when things don't go the way they want them to. That being said, what he's showing you right now is still who he really is. Like your mom mentioned, this is part of the reason you've made the decision you have. This man needs to grow up and out of himself. If he was making even the smallest attempt at taking responsibility for what's happening in his life, it would be easier to have some sympathy. I know it stinks being on the receiving end, as you put it, but your ARE doing the right thing. Stay strong. There isn't a single positive change in life that doesn't come with a set of challenges to overcome first. 
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 94
You are right, BlownOne. He has taken no responsibility whatsoever and has put the blame for this entirely on me.
As you all warned me, he's being very uncooperative about everything. I did send a text yesterday asking if he wanted to discuss what I could take before I showed up and he responded simply with "No, I need to take a nap. I haven't been sleeping well". Okay??? My friend who was supposed to come with me got stuck at work late so I ended up not going anyways because being alone with him in the house seems like a recipe for disaster.
So trying again for Thursday.
In the meantime, and looking ahead, I'm able to get my keys for my new place on Saturday, June 1st. I'd like to get them and then spend all of Sunday moving. I work all day Saturday, though, and was thinking about asking my boss if I could come in an hour late so I can get my keys....otherwise my move will be delayed until my next day off which is June 8th. And I'm just ready to no longer be taking up my friend's precious space (the one with the newborn, who has been so kind) and no longer be spending double what I normally do in gas.
My sister said just to tell my boss I have an appointment and that I shouldn't tell her my situation...but I guess I don't really see the harm in telling my boss that I'm going through a separation and moving out and need to get my keys. And then leaving it at that. I work for a very small library with only about ten employees. It's not something I want to openly discuss but I feel like maybe she should be aware of my situation in some capacity as it is a fairly big life change. I don't anticipate effecting my work life, but still. Any thoughts on this?
Again, thank you all so much. It's so nice to have a place to check into and just spill my thoughts or emotions to people who understand and support me.
As you all warned me, he's being very uncooperative about everything. I did send a text yesterday asking if he wanted to discuss what I could take before I showed up and he responded simply with "No, I need to take a nap. I haven't been sleeping well". Okay??? My friend who was supposed to come with me got stuck at work late so I ended up not going anyways because being alone with him in the house seems like a recipe for disaster.
So trying again for Thursday.
In the meantime, and looking ahead, I'm able to get my keys for my new place on Saturday, June 1st. I'd like to get them and then spend all of Sunday moving. I work all day Saturday, though, and was thinking about asking my boss if I could come in an hour late so I can get my keys....otherwise my move will be delayed until my next day off which is June 8th. And I'm just ready to no longer be taking up my friend's precious space (the one with the newborn, who has been so kind) and no longer be spending double what I normally do in gas.
My sister said just to tell my boss I have an appointment and that I shouldn't tell her my situation...but I guess I don't really see the harm in telling my boss that I'm going through a separation and moving out and need to get my keys. And then leaving it at that. I work for a very small library with only about ten employees. It's not something I want to openly discuss but I feel like maybe she should be aware of my situation in some capacity as it is a fairly big life change. I don't anticipate effecting my work life, but still. Any thoughts on this?
Again, thank you all so much. It's so nice to have a place to check into and just spill my thoughts or emotions to people who understand and support me.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,629
I think you should tell her if you want to, or not if you don't. I would tell the truth, I am moving and I have to go pick up my keys at X o'clock on May X - period. It's really really important that you get those keys and I wouldn't let anything stop you!
I'm sure she will be understanding about it?
Is it possible you could hire some casual help to enable you to move out faster?
I'm sure she will be understanding about it?
Is it possible you could hire some casual help to enable you to move out faster?
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
if time off is allowed at work, then you do not need to defend WHY you want the time off. being TOO open at work with superiors can backfire. and technically one employee should not be given special privileges over another....again if time off is allowed for employees, then you, as an employee, do not need to justify the time off. especially if you do not want to disclose your situation with your workmates. less is more.
good for you on making the safe decision to not go to the house alone. you have now officially asked him if he wants to discuss any household items before you take what you want/need, and he said i don't care. so there you have it. you can let that go now.
stay on task. you are doing great!
good for you on making the safe decision to not go to the house alone. you have now officially asked him if he wants to discuss any household items before you take what you want/need, and he said i don't care. so there you have it. you can let that go now.
stay on task. you are doing great!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 94
AH was at work this morning so I went and collected the rest of my clothing and shoes, 2 other tubs of things, and anything of mine in our bathroom. I was out of space in my car after that. All that's left are a few small pieces of furniture that are mine from before our marriage, a few other miscellaneous items, etc. Despite being the one to say he wanted to talk about splitting up our things, he still hasn't reached out.
Next Friday is my day off and he will be working. I've already started enlisting help for moving everything else out this day. I've come to terms that I'm probably not going to end up with much else from the house, because it just isn't worth the fight with AH or having to speak with him only for him to be mean to me.
I had the horrible realization of how codependent I am today though. The first thing I thought when I walked inside was how it smelled like a frat house. His clothes were all over the living room, the recycling overflowing and mail spilling through from the mail slot. I collected it and found three envelopes from the electric company. Clearly he is overdue on the bill...I opened it, thinking "I'll just pay it" but then stopped. It's not in my name. It's not my problem if he chooses not to pay the gas, electric, internet, cell phone, etc. (all in his name, we have separate cell phone plans still). I also nearly cleaned the toilet but again stopped myself.
He is 38 years old. A grown man. I understand he must be hurting and upset and depressed but he is capable of taking care of himself. I know I said this about the last time I stopped by the house, but it just rips my heart out. He took all our wedding photos off the wall and hid them behind the couch, and I just sat there for a moment and cried. Partly because I am grieving our marriage but mostly because I couldn't stop thinking about him there all alone.
It was a relief to get most of my things out, though. And once everything is totally out, I'll breathe a little better. I just somehow have to get out of this 'I have to take care of him or no one will' mindset before it kills me.
Next Friday is my day off and he will be working. I've already started enlisting help for moving everything else out this day. I've come to terms that I'm probably not going to end up with much else from the house, because it just isn't worth the fight with AH or having to speak with him only for him to be mean to me.
I had the horrible realization of how codependent I am today though. The first thing I thought when I walked inside was how it smelled like a frat house. His clothes were all over the living room, the recycling overflowing and mail spilling through from the mail slot. I collected it and found three envelopes from the electric company. Clearly he is overdue on the bill...I opened it, thinking "I'll just pay it" but then stopped. It's not in my name. It's not my problem if he chooses not to pay the gas, electric, internet, cell phone, etc. (all in his name, we have separate cell phone plans still). I also nearly cleaned the toilet but again stopped myself.
He is 38 years old. A grown man. I understand he must be hurting and upset and depressed but he is capable of taking care of himself. I know I said this about the last time I stopped by the house, but it just rips my heart out. He took all our wedding photos off the wall and hid them behind the couch, and I just sat there for a moment and cried. Partly because I am grieving our marriage but mostly because I couldn't stop thinking about him there all alone.
It was a relief to get most of my things out, though. And once everything is totally out, I'll breathe a little better. I just somehow have to get out of this 'I have to take care of him or no one will' mindset before it kills me.
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Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 395
emmab219: I teared up reading this. I'm so proud of you for making it this far. It's honestly so brave... & you're doing it! Just think about all the courage it takes to take this profound step in your life. I wasn't married -- but I can't even imagine walking back (if I had to) into my XAGF's apartment... I'd completely break down & cry. I honestly don't think I could find enough courage on the planet to do so.
You may have been codependent... but don't let that define you... because most importantly, you are inspiring & brave. You are facing your fears & making your well-being the #1 priority. You loved hard & gave it your all to help someone... that's all we can do sometimes... & then, hopefully (we can all) learn from our past experiences (both the achievements & failures).
“Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” —Maya Angelou
You may have been codependent... but don't let that define you... because most importantly, you are inspiring & brave. You are facing your fears & making your well-being the #1 priority. You loved hard & gave it your all to help someone... that's all we can do sometimes... & then, hopefully (we can all) learn from our past experiences (both the achievements & failures).
“Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” —Maya Angelou
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 94
LifeChangeNYC...I made YOU tear up? You made me shed tears Lol Your response was so kind and exactly what I think I needed to hear after this morning. Thank you, so much! I'm proud of both of us for doing what we need to do for our own wellbeing, even though it's so hard and painful.
Dandylion, thank you to you too. It's horribly gutwrenching.
But I've come this far. Can't see a way back now even if that was where I wanted to go.
Dandylion, thank you to you too. It's horribly gutwrenching.
But I've come this far. Can't see a way back now even if that was where I wanted to go.
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