thoughts about exAH who has passed away

Old 06-11-2019, 09:13 PM
  # 61 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Today's update: complex grief can make you really irritable. I have a lot of anger that has no place to go, and I think it seeps out in minor ways. Example: I was booking a flight for work. I have thousands of airmiles with the carrier. I wanted to see if I could use those miles to upgrade my ticket out of basic economy (it's a long-haul flight and I need to be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed at the end of it. Long call to customer service ended with the news that no, I cannot upgrade with airmiles.

As problems go, this is so trivial that it's ridiculous (I tried to think of something that would be more trivial and all I could come up with was being bothered by asymmetrical cappuccino foam art). But in the moment it seemed really terrible that I could not upgrade my ticket with airmiles.

I am not normally the person who gets bent out of shape because I can't have luxuries, but these are not normal times.
Sasha1972 is offline  
Old 06-12-2019, 03:13 AM
  # 62 (permalink)  
Sober since 10th April 2012
 
FeelingGreat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Maybe boxing as hobby?
FeelingGreat is offline  
Old 06-12-2019, 08:36 AM
  # 63 (permalink)  
Guest
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Totally understandable. You had to pick up all the pieces for your ex even after his death AND be a sport about it while he gets all kinds of fictional accolades from people who didn’t have a clue about who he was or the kind of crap you’ve had to deal with. Oh, and who did zero to actually help.

Your waaay overdue for some healthy “what about MY NEEDS” meltdown backlash from being saintly and if there’s anything the airlines (or the healthcare industry or anything customer service related) is good at, it’s triggering sub-psychotic rage.

Can you pay for an upgrade? You deserve it 100%.

It’s SASHA TIME.
Ariesagain is offline  
Old 06-12-2019, 08:46 AM
  # 64 (permalink)  
Member
 
biminiblue's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Get it, I totally get it.

I have a lot of death and divorces and addiction in my past.

I can get triggered still...but not as often. I'd say time is really the best healer, but I can't tell you how many times I've thought, "Wow. I wish I could bypass this whole time-as-the-healer thing."

biminiblue is offline  
Old 06-12-2019, 09:59 AM
  # 65 (permalink)  
Member
 
hopeful4's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Girl...so much has happened to you in the past several years that you deserve to be TICKED OFF!!!! It's valid and ok to feel that way!

Huge Hugs!
hopeful4 is offline  
Old 06-19-2019, 01:40 PM
  # 66 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Today's update: I have noticed over the last week that the death of ex seems to be turning into "something that happened" rather than this enormous, giant shifting of my world on its axis. I noted that when I think about it, which is not constantly (that in itself is an improvement), my thoughts are dominated by worrying about Kid, how this will affect her, what could I be doing to help, etc. It's not like I wasn't thinking about Kid before (I have always been thinking about her!) but my concern for her coexisted with this huge non-verbal sense of OH MY GOD HE ACTUALLY DIED, HE'S GONE, HE'S DEAD, etc. Now that it starting to quiet down. The impact on my psyche is slightly muted, so I've got more bandwidth to think about the impact on Kid. His death is becoming this thing that happened, not a central fact of my world.

(And here's a weird slightly trivial thing - you might have heard of email apnea, that involuntary holding of breath as you wait for email to download or open, because you don't know what kind of weirdness will be in the email. Well, I'm not email-apneic any more. I find that I'm inhaling and exhaling like a normal person while checking email, because I'm starting to realize that I am not going to be faced with either alcoholic crazy ranting or yet another message from my lawyer about some whacked-out thing that ex is trying to do. Body/mind connection - my breathing is changing).
Sasha1972 is offline  
Old 06-19-2019, 01:53 PM
  # 67 (permalink)  
Member
 
hopeful4's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Sasha, I am glad the impact of this is starting to be more in perspective if you will. Not control you or your thoughts all the time.

Of course you are going to worry about your child. That has not and won't change. However, you are an excellent mom who will do whatever she needs to get through that, and you only have to depend on yourself to do that, not someone else that is completely out of control. I don't mean to be disrespectful to who he was, but he created so much chaos for you and that part of the chaos is gone.

Keep breathing. Sending a tight hug friend!
hopeful4 is offline  
Old 06-19-2019, 02:01 PM
  # 68 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,881
Originally Posted by Sasha1972 View Post
Today's update: I have noticed over the last week that the death of ex seems to be turning into "something that happened" rather than this enormous, giant shifting of my world on its axis. I noted that when I think about it, which is not constantly (that in itself is an improvement), my thoughts are dominated by worrying about Kid, how this will affect her, what could I be doing to help, etc. It's not like I wasn't thinking about Kid before (I have always been thinking about her!) but my concern for her coexisted with this huge non-verbal sense of OH MY GOD HE ACTUALLY DIED, HE'S GONE, HE'S DEAD, etc. Now that it starting to quiet down. The impact on my psyche is slightly muted, so I've got more bandwidth to think about the impact on Kid. His death is becoming this thing that happened, not a central fact of my world.

(And here's a weird slightly trivial thing - you might have heard of email apnea, that involuntary holding of breath as you wait for email to download or open, because you don't know what kind of weirdness will be in the email. Well, I'm not email-apneic any more. I find that I'm inhaling and exhaling like a normal person while checking email, because I'm starting to realize that I am not going to be faced with either alcoholic crazy ranting or yet another message from my lawyer about some whacked-out thing that ex is trying to do. Body/mind connection - my breathing is changing).
I find your experience after your EX's passing really interesting. That you are not having a bigger reaction to it is probably a testimony to the healthy detachment you achieved during his life.

I love the idea of "email apnea". Too funny . .. irk, I hope my dark sense of humor doesn't offend you.

Kudos to you as always.
Bekindalways is offline  
Old 06-22-2019, 08:33 PM
  # 69 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
And another update - today I am really tired. I have a teen who alternates between grieving and playing let's-pretend-nothing-happened, and the only place for her unhappiness to come out is at me. Today's incident involved driving lessons. Kid will soon be old enough to get her learner's permit. I mentioned signing her up for driving lessons, how great it is that she's on her way to being more independent, this is something she's been looking forward to for a long time, etc. Kids responds that she doesn't want to take driving lessons, she already knows how to drive, she just needs me to let her practice on my car. I say no, I'm not willing to teach her to drive, best to take a course with a trained instructor and then she can practice. Kid insists that NO, she KNOWS how to drive, she discussed it with her father (before he died, obvs) and he told her about how the gas and the brake work and he also told her she would be FINE just getting in the car and driving away, he was going to let her drive his car, so why am I making a big deal about lessons which she does NOT need, and on and on.

I have no idea what she actually discussed with her father - he could well have said "your mom's just being controlling with this driving-lessons stuff - I'll let you just jump in my car and away you go". Or he might have said nothing at all. Whatever happened, driving lessons seem to be some kind of flashpoint for Kid, bound up with her father and the world of magical thinking/if I want something to be true, it will be true.

I am not going to let a fourteen-year-old who just got a learner's permit use my car. If Kid wants to practice for her road test after she passes her learners' exam, I'll put out the money for lessons with a driving instructor who is not me.

It is strange (and exhausting), the ways that grief comes out.
Sasha1972 is offline  
Old 06-24-2019, 09:00 AM
  # 70 (permalink)  
Member
 
hopeful4's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Ugh. I remember having this same argument with my DD and she was not grieving, but she sure stuck to not wanting those lessons. I stayed very matter of fact about it and just said well, there is nothing to talk about and if you want to drive this is what will happen. Eventually she just gave in and it was fine.

I am sorry. Who knows what is in their minds, or like you said, who knows what he said to her. Ultimately, she seems to have a good head on her shoulders and will come around.

Keep with it tired momma. I hope in all of this you are able to make some time for you and taking care of yourself too!

Huge hugs!
hopeful4 is offline  
Old 06-24-2019, 09:57 AM
  # 71 (permalink)  
Member
 
SmallButMighty's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Sasha, I remember, not to long before your AXH died, you mentioned something about him either letting her drive, or that he was going to.. something along those lines.(?)... It could be that if he did start teaching her to drive, she is clinging on to that memory of him as one of the last "good" times with her dad. She may not want to override that which her dad may have taught her with what an instructor teaches.

Or it could be that she is a teenage girl, and they can just be pretty, shall we say, "challenging" even under the best of circumstances. I certainly struggled with my teenage daughter a lot more then I did with my son...And I know damn well I was not pleasant to my own mother when I was a teenager. I am sure your daughter grieving far harder than anyone her age should ever have to, is going to make your's and her situation that much rougher. Hang in there Mama.
SmallButMighty is offline  
Old 06-24-2019, 12:29 PM
  # 72 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 583
When my AW passed away, my oldest (14) had a difficult time for a few years. Add stress and grief to the usual 'teen' behavior. I stood my ground and it wasn't pretty during those intense periods but they need it. A few times he broke down and the only thing I could do is hold and pray over him.
Being the Good and bad cop at the same time isn't easy but over time the new normal becomes easier.
AG
AlwaysGrowing is offline  
Old 06-24-2019, 01:39 PM
  # 73 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
perhaps counseling might help both you and your daughter. this would likely be true for the loss of any spouse/parent, but may be especially true in this particular case.

to your daughter, i found with mine the best way to handle her was to not give her Advice unless asked for it, to not give her a Choice in certain matters, and to not Explain my decisions (ACE). She didn't' always like it, but she could count on it and it helped me to act like a parent even when I wasn't in the mood or mind-frame to do so.

In this case, and it seems like you are doing it anyways, if you want a driver's license then this is how it's going to happen. Period.

Good luck to you. When my wife dies I'll feel guilty too, but I can't wait to be free-- finally ******* free (FFF). And, though she likely does not feel it or realize it now, your daughter is FFF too. The goal now is that she grows into somebody that won't be looking for her father in a boyfriend/husband. That's why counseling, Alateen, and Alanon are so very, very important.
Cyranoak is offline  
Old 06-24-2019, 05:03 PM
  # 74 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
Hi Sasha, one of your recent posts were how you have been irritable since his death. Kid will have moments of irritability also. She's lost her father's source of teaching her to drive. It probably comes across as not fair. When I lost my mother I took the not fair out on strangers.

Learning to drive seems to be a big event for her. Letting her voice that frustration even if it doesn't make since to you will help your daughter grieve. Is there another family member or friend that could help her drive? I had an uncle who was a driver's instructor when my parents wouldn't/couldn't teach me.
hearthealth is offline  
Old 06-25-2019, 09:08 AM
  # 75 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 433
Could you take her to a big empty space like a carpark at night and let her try and drive without any guidance from you? She may soon realise she doesn't know how to drive and ask for lessons.

I'm not suggesting you leave her alone in the car though! You will need to have your hand ready to pull on the handbrake if you need to!!
Amaranth is offline  
Old 06-25-2019, 09:49 AM
  # 76 (permalink)  
Guest
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Stand your ground. There are a thousand nuances to driving safely that an instructor knows to teach but regular drivers just do without thinking.

My instructor was terrific and I still thank him forty years later.

Will your insurance give you a better rate if she
takes drivers ed? Some will and all should.

Hang in there, Sasha Fierce.
Ariesagain is offline  
Old 06-25-2019, 06:52 PM
  # 77 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 223
Sorry to hear this Sasha. As much as we might expect it or have thought about it, I’m sure it is still shocking.

Did you know he was that bad off? Struggling with my own XAH. Based on some of his recent behaviors, it feels like only a matter of time before he kills himself or lands in jail. Every time he goes MIA or I get a random call I am hoping he is in jail. Never works though unfortunately. I just find myself wondering how long this lasts...?
batchel9 is offline  
Old 06-27-2019, 04:34 PM
  # 78 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Originally Posted by batchel9 View Post
Sorry to hear this Sasha. As much as we might expect it or have thought about it, I’m sure it is still shocking.

Did you know he was that bad off? Struggling with my own XAH. Based on some of his recent behaviors, it feels like only a matter of time before he kills himself or lands in jail. Every time he goes MIA or I get a random call I am hoping he is in jail. Never works though unfortunately. I just find myself wondering how long this lasts...?
I knew that he had had at least one heart attack which had damaged the heart muscle, making him vulnerable to sudden cardiac arrest (which is most likely what happened). His heart was also enlarged (cardiomegaly), which can happen when alcohol damages the muscle fibres of the heart so it can't pump efficiently, meaning that blood pools in the heart and "stretches" it. He told me that doctors had told him he was at risk for a fatal arrythmia and that he would most likely need a pacemaker, but who knows if that was true?

I also knew he looked really unhealthy (tremors, bloated, bad skin tone), and other people had commented on the same thing (as in "holy #!@$! I just saw ex - what on earth happened to him?").

So I knew this was a possibility, and not even a remote possibility. It was still a shock when it actually happened. From my Al Anon group, I know a lot of other people whose husbands/children/siblings died in their early to mid-50s from alcohol-related causes - it's when the bills really start coming due.
Sasha1972 is offline  
Old 06-27-2019, 04:40 PM
  # 79 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Today's update: it struck me that ex's life has just stopped, while other people's lives go on. I know this sounds kind of obvious, but I hadn't really thought about how death freezes people in time. In a few years, I will be older than he ever got to be. Kid got her report card today; she will continue to get report cards and he will never see them. He'll never know where Kid goes for college or what she decides to do with her life. He's in the past forever and everything that will ever happen to him has already happened, while Kid and I and everyone else who is still alive is moving into the future, which holds surprises (good and bad) for us.
Sasha1972 is offline  
Old 06-27-2019, 08:54 PM
  # 80 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,881
Originally Posted by Sasha1972 View Post
Today's update: it struck me that ex's life has just stopped, while other people's lives go on. I know this sounds kind of obvious, but I hadn't really thought about how death freezes people in time. In a few years, I will be older than he ever got to be. Kid got her report card today; she will continue to get report cards and he will never see them. He'll never know where Kid goes for college or what she decides to do with her life. He's in the past forever and everything that will ever happen to him has already happened, while Kid and I and everyone else who is still alive is moving into the future, which holds surprises (good and bad) for us.
Kinda obvious and insightful at the same time. Interesting.
Bekindalways is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 05:01 AM.