I suspect it may take a bit before the tension you've been under completely "uncoils". Keep processing those thoughts however you need. Remember, we're open 24/7 :)

A couple of days ago, I woke up and thought "wow, nobody in the world hates me anymore {as far as I know]". There may be (I'm sure there are) people out there who are annoyed by things I've done or find me a little weird or whatever, but there is no longer anyone who is malevolent towards me and wants to do me harm (and says so). The presence of personal hatred has been removed from my life.

Aww, Sasha. That was more about his own hatred for himself. :hug:

I know that doesn't make his past venom easier to take, but it is so true.

Sasha, I agree. He hated himself.

Sending huge hugs. You are loved.

I third that, Sasha.

Everything I’ve seen you wrote about him practically screamed self hatred.

But he sure projected that on you, and you never deserved it.

I’m still sorry for what happened, but glad for your freedom.

You’ll continue to have a lot of complicated feelings. They’re all valid. And you’re definitely “allowed” to feel relief.

You deserve happiness and kindness. Thoughts continue to be with you and kid.

You know, that had never occurred to me - that ex hated himself and projected it onto me. Like a lot of alcoholics he had boundary issues, especially with his attachment objects (e.g. his wives). Given that he had trouble distinguishing between himself and other people, hatred and rage directed at other people (me) could actually have been an expression of hating himself. In which case "rest in peace" takes on a whole new dimension of meaning. Wherever ex is now (and it's possible that he's nowhere) I hope he doesn't hate himself that much any more.

Well, sadly he has a sobriety date now. Too bad it took him too long.

The following is from one of the most-read passages in Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book p.84 (and taken COMPLETELY out of context here, )

"...And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone - even alcohol."

Wow, bimini. thinking of death as the point where and alcoholic finally achieves this >>> "...And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone - even alcohol." It does give one pause.

Sasha, courage and healing as you find your balance after such a huge change. I hope kid is doing okay.

Sasha1972 -just sending ((((((hugs)))))) and continued courage as you face all this aftermath. I've often admired your posts about parenting and your tactics in keeping your daughter safe and protecting her mental health, she's blessed to have you as a Mom.
Hope you find some little bit of peace of mind soon....
Peace,
B.

Today's update: yesterday was ex's memorial event (organized by his former workplace, which is also my workplace). Kid and I attended. I have a lot of thoughts/feelings about it. Here's one of them:

All kinds of people came up to Kid and told her "your dad loved you so much, you were the most important thing in his life, he was such a devoted dad, what a great father", etc. etc. I know they're putting a positive spin on ex, which is fair for a memorial event. But what a mixed message for Kid! Your dad loved you so much ...however he loved alcohol much more. He was such a devoted dad ... but he didn't like court-ordered breathalyzer tests and preferred to just not see you rather than comply. He was a great father ... as long as he could drink at the same time. And when anyone (me) told him that drinking + parenting was not acceptable, and then held a firm line, Mr Great Dad went away and Mr How Dare You Try To Control Me You B!tch crazy person came out.

Ugh.

It's surprising how people can show many faces to people. Or how people have so different interpretations of another person. Kid will make her own analysis as she goes through the grief process and gains more life lessons. You have shown her truth and courage. It's okay for her to believe her father loved her. He showed her a different side. It's also okay for you to know a different truth.

Hey Sasha. I appreciate you sharing this journey of life after alcoholic. I can't do much except offer the tiny support of a post and a cheer for you continuing to live a good life in the face of some amazing odds.

Yeah, it's that same old bit where people outside the family, who don't have to live with active alcoholism day-to-day, think someone is wonderful. Because somehow...the alcoholic is able to maintain some sort of facade. Those nearest to him/her have to deal with the broken promises, the no-shows, the verbal and mental abuse, the manipulating and gaslighting.

Your daughter does get to love her Dad...and as she becomes an adult, she will be able to incorporate all that she knows (good, bad, and ugly) into the whole person that he was and maybe still love him with all his flaws. There is always that moment--even with great parents--when a child reaches adulthood and understands that their parents aren't perfect human beings. Your dear daughter just learned quite a bit, quite a bit earlier than she should have had to learn :(

I'm sure the funeral, overall, was very hard for you for many reasons. Process as you need to do - we are always here!

I'd say - again - that what people say at memorials is more about them, in my opinion.

First they want to be seen as kind and caring people and culturally it isn't acceptable to say nothing to the family, or to talk ill of the dead. Most of them probably barely knew him. Infuriating, I know

Second, they are saying what they needed to hear someone tell them, or what they hope to hear when their own fathers die/died. We don't get scripts for this stuff. It's awkward.

I'm sorry for you and your daughter. More hugs.

I see this quite often. Someone passes and all of a sudden it's like they were some wonderful saint. I would keep the lines of communication open with your DD and just talk..and talk.....

Sending continued hugs and support!

I woke up this morning under the influence of survivor guilt. I am wrestling with the feeling that maybe if I hadn't left ex, maybe if I had stuck around and really worked with him, he might not have fallen apart the way he did. I think it's partly triggered by seeing the old pictures and hearing the stories at his memorial event - from days when we were together and he looked happy, outgoing, enjoying life, etc. And the fun stories people had to tell about him were all from the era before I left - nothing from the last 8 years.

Even if I look at it objectively - he was an outwardly functional adult when we were together, then decompensated after I left, then there was a bit of an uptick with his second wife, then when she left he pretty much plummeted straight down, with one brief interlude just after he went to rehab (that lasted about a month). Crazier and crazier and drunker and drunker. I have a friend in the military who says this pattern among soldiers is known as being on "wife support".

I know rationally that I left because I had tried everything I could to stay married and I wasn't able to do it. I also left because I had a child and I did not want her to grow up with this household as her standard for what to expect in adult life. I left because I was being treated really badly and ex was not open to the idea of changing how he spoke to me, behaved with me, and blamed me. If I had stayed, ex might have remained a functional adult for a while longer, but I would have absorbed the damage in the form of the destruction of what remained of my self-esteem, and ongoing emotional and physical health problems. In hindsight I know ex was drinking alcoholically for a long time before I left, and I could not have forced him to stop. I did the right thing to save myself and Kid. He was not capable of being a healthy parent for her.

(But maybe if I had made him happier, he wouldn't have wanted to drink. Maybe if he had been more content with life, he would have tried harder to preserve the good things he had. Maybe I should have been more compassionate, more tolerant, put up with more of the craziness for longer, and he might have come out of it. Maybe the "golden boy" of our earlier years would have come back, and I just wasn't patient enough with his midlife crisis. Maybe ..).

I know this is all crap and with an active alcoholic all you can do is save yourself, but it's amazing how strong the guilt can be - guilt that I not only survived but thrived after we separated, and he did not.

Sasha, you could not save him. You could not be his "wife support."

More likely, your DD would have watched up front and personal his falling apart, verbal and possible physical abuse of you, and who knows what else. You protected her from that.

Go back to the basics friend. You did not Cause it, you could not Control it, and you sure could not Cure it.

The idea that one should live a miserable life and sacrifice their own mental health to try to keep someone from going down the rabbit hole is just not sustainable. Your DD has been given a wonderful mom who has protected her at all costs. You have minimized the amount of damage she was exposed to. You did more than anyone I have known.

Stop blaming yourself. Because someone has passed does not negate the things they did while alive. That sounds very harsh, but it's so true.

Sending you very big hugs.

Oh my gosh Sasha I think Cody Voice (CV) is every bit as strong as Alcoholic Voice (AV). It is indeed a strange thing. Even with all the time and all the evidence CV voice can still pop up and say, "Save him! Save him! You can do it."

It's great that you recognize this as BS and just remark on it. It makes sense that you have to cycle through this . . . maybe more than once before you are done grieving and healing . . . . hmm . . . I'm not sure we are ever done grieving and healing.

Sigh . . .keep at it lady.

It's totally normal to have those thoughts of 'what if'. The reality is they aren't a child and as an adult chose to keep that path.