Who are you?
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Join Date: Jan 2019
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Who are you?
"True belonging doesn't require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are" Brene Brown.
Love this quote, and so timely. My aunt just told me i needed hypnotherapy to deal with AH's nonsense so i dont react so much. I told her politely that no, I wouldn't be getting hypnotherapy. I'm sick of giving in, giving up me, adapting, bending, cancelling, accommodating. No more.
Love this quote, and so timely. My aunt just told me i needed hypnotherapy to deal with AH's nonsense so i dont react so much. I told her politely that no, I wouldn't be getting hypnotherapy. I'm sick of giving in, giving up me, adapting, bending, cancelling, accommodating. No more.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Originally Posted by Wombaticus 
"True belonging doesn't require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are" Brene Brown.
Love this quote, and so timely. My aunt just told me i needed hypnotherapy to deal with AH's nonsense so i dont react so much. I told her politely that no, I wouldn't be getting hypnotherapy. I'm sick of giving in, giving up me, adapting, bending, cancelling, accommodating. No more.
Love this quote, and so timely. My aunt just told me i needed hypnotherapy to deal with AH's nonsense so i dont react so much. I told her politely that no, I wouldn't be getting hypnotherapy. I'm sick of giving in, giving up me, adapting, bending, cancelling, accommodating. No more.
"And Aunt Lucy, if I get hypnotherapy as you suggest, YOUR life will be better BECAUSE...."
You only need hypnotherapy (or anything else) when YOU decide you need it.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: SoCal
Posts: 2,562
I think the addict/alcoholic would be greatly helped by Brene's work.
See what she says in her TED talk starting at 14:40.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCvmsMzlF7o
She's talking about how we numb to avoid the negative emotions around our vulnerability, ultimately stemming from being unable to accept who we are and being too wrapped up in who we think we should be. We can't selectively numb emotions, so when we addicts turn to drink and drugs to numb shame and fear, they also numb the good things like joy and compassion. Life becomes even more unbearable, so we turn to more drugs and alcohol to numb further.
My outpatient rehab was headed by one of the foremost addiction specialists in the country (himself a recovered heroin addict). He said that addiction results from the need to deal with these kinds of negative emotions, and when someone stops drinking or using, they address the negative consequences of their using, but not their underlying pain....leading to the frightfully high relapse rates. He suggested psychodynamic therapy to heal these wounds as part of recovery. I took this to heart and used the resources in that program to start individual therapy which I've been doing for about 18 months now. It's working. Stopping my addictions was relatively easy for me, I finally admitted I have a problem when I was presented with inarguable evidence and decided I am no longer a drinker. Period. However, this wouldn't have been enough by itself despite my thinking that it was. Had I not done the work on myself with my therapist I would have been horribly miserable, and may well have relapsed by now. Instead I'm building a fulfilling life in ways I never could have imagined when I was an addict.
Elsewhere in her talk she says, and I firmly believe this, that we can't have compassion for others until we have it first for ourselves. The compassion to accept our imperfections and be authentic to who we are. Until addicts can get at least partially to this place, they are merely abstinent, and miserable....and the only weapon they have to numb their pain is to lash out at others. Once they learn compassion for themselves, they can begin to practice it in their lives. Until then they are a disaster to themselves and anyone around them, even if they no longer use, and if they don't relapse they will be in a living hell until either they figure out self-love or indeed relapse.
I haven't raised children, but I've read about the concept of compassionate discipline. Compassion for children does not involve letting them do whatever they want that makes them happy in the moment, a childhood consisting of just that would create a monster with an empty core. Compassion for addicts does not involve enabling their use and other destructive behaviors even as they destroy our lives in the process of destroying their own. Perhaps the compassionate thing is to gently wish them well and walk away, and give them the chance to crash and burn and maybe emerge free of addiction at some point...and to do so with full knowledge that their substance free lives will probably be apart from us.
We can't heal the addiction to addicts or people with insurmountable problems that we can't possibly help solve. Perhaps there is some part of codependency that stems from surrounding ourselves with a hopeless cause so that we don't have to face our own perceived shortcomings and self-loathing, getting deeper into a dance of addiction and a failed strategy of trying to "help."
If addicts need to find a way to love themselves to live a life free of drugs and alcohol, perhaps the co-dependent also needs the same to escape a toxic relationship with an addict. I don't think the question is that this would be helpful or even necessary in our addictions or relationships with addicts, but....how do we find this sense of self worth and love?
Watch the whole TED talk if you haven't, it's pretty enlightening.
See what she says in her TED talk starting at 14:40.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCvmsMzlF7o
She's talking about how we numb to avoid the negative emotions around our vulnerability, ultimately stemming from being unable to accept who we are and being too wrapped up in who we think we should be. We can't selectively numb emotions, so when we addicts turn to drink and drugs to numb shame and fear, they also numb the good things like joy and compassion. Life becomes even more unbearable, so we turn to more drugs and alcohol to numb further.
My outpatient rehab was headed by one of the foremost addiction specialists in the country (himself a recovered heroin addict). He said that addiction results from the need to deal with these kinds of negative emotions, and when someone stops drinking or using, they address the negative consequences of their using, but not their underlying pain....leading to the frightfully high relapse rates. He suggested psychodynamic therapy to heal these wounds as part of recovery. I took this to heart and used the resources in that program to start individual therapy which I've been doing for about 18 months now. It's working. Stopping my addictions was relatively easy for me, I finally admitted I have a problem when I was presented with inarguable evidence and decided I am no longer a drinker. Period. However, this wouldn't have been enough by itself despite my thinking that it was. Had I not done the work on myself with my therapist I would have been horribly miserable, and may well have relapsed by now. Instead I'm building a fulfilling life in ways I never could have imagined when I was an addict.
Elsewhere in her talk she says, and I firmly believe this, that we can't have compassion for others until we have it first for ourselves. The compassion to accept our imperfections and be authentic to who we are. Until addicts can get at least partially to this place, they are merely abstinent, and miserable....and the only weapon they have to numb their pain is to lash out at others. Once they learn compassion for themselves, they can begin to practice it in their lives. Until then they are a disaster to themselves and anyone around them, even if they no longer use, and if they don't relapse they will be in a living hell until either they figure out self-love or indeed relapse.
I haven't raised children, but I've read about the concept of compassionate discipline. Compassion for children does not involve letting them do whatever they want that makes them happy in the moment, a childhood consisting of just that would create a monster with an empty core. Compassion for addicts does not involve enabling their use and other destructive behaviors even as they destroy our lives in the process of destroying their own. Perhaps the compassionate thing is to gently wish them well and walk away, and give them the chance to crash and burn and maybe emerge free of addiction at some point...and to do so with full knowledge that their substance free lives will probably be apart from us.
We can't heal the addiction to addicts or people with insurmountable problems that we can't possibly help solve. Perhaps there is some part of codependency that stems from surrounding ourselves with a hopeless cause so that we don't have to face our own perceived shortcomings and self-loathing, getting deeper into a dance of addiction and a failed strategy of trying to "help."
If addicts need to find a way to love themselves to live a life free of drugs and alcohol, perhaps the co-dependent also needs the same to escape a toxic relationship with an addict. I don't think the question is that this would be helpful or even necessary in our addictions or relationships with addicts, but....how do we find this sense of self worth and love?
Watch the whole TED talk if you haven't, it's pretty enlightening.
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Great stuff MM - I completely agree with your entire post. I think it's just as accurate for codependents that are committed to that identity in the same way addicts are to their DOC.
Brene's work levelled the playing field for me - we are all broken in so many different, dysfunctional ways. She speaks in a way that I HEAR. Her work helped me to remove the million shades of grey that I often use to individuate our pain & suffering & damage & helped me stop comparing wounds & get on with healing. "The Power of Vulnerability: Teachings on Authenticity, Connection & Courage" changed the way I view myself & others around me AND myself in relation to others around me. (it's a 6-CD teaching lecture vs being a formal book) It has helped me tremendously just in being able to better recognize when others are triggering in shame & cutting the interaction short.
Her Parenting Manifesto has become my bible in so many ways - not only in actively parenting my DD but in RE-parenting myself alongside that. This is posted along with the Four Agreements in my kitchen:
https://brenebrown.com/wp-content/up...gManifesto.pdf
Also, I'm a recent fan of Dr. Shefali Tsabary & her work on Conscious Parenting. She holds the same basic premise as Brene that we, as parents, have to be willing to do the hard, internal work ourselves if we want to raise an emotionally healthier next generation. You cannot teach what you do not practice. Would we allow our doctors to be trained by those with no knowledge of medicine or surgery & let them practice on people? Of course not - but we do this emotionally every day, in so many pervasive ways that have a long lasting, difficult-to-reverse impact.
Glennon Doyle is another big favorite of mine & I was lucky enough to take my DD to see her speak live in a small forum not long ago. Her TED talk was early on in her speaking career but I just watched it again yesterday because her story reminds me that there is no yardstick that our damage is measured by. We don't need others to understand our damage for it to be real & for us to take control of moving from victim to warriors in life.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NHHPNMIK-fY
Brene's work levelled the playing field for me - we are all broken in so many different, dysfunctional ways. She speaks in a way that I HEAR. Her work helped me to remove the million shades of grey that I often use to individuate our pain & suffering & damage & helped me stop comparing wounds & get on with healing. "The Power of Vulnerability: Teachings on Authenticity, Connection & Courage" changed the way I view myself & others around me AND myself in relation to others around me. (it's a 6-CD teaching lecture vs being a formal book) It has helped me tremendously just in being able to better recognize when others are triggering in shame & cutting the interaction short.
I haven't raised children, but I've read about the concept of compassionate discipline.
https://brenebrown.com/wp-content/up...gManifesto.pdf
Also, I'm a recent fan of Dr. Shefali Tsabary & her work on Conscious Parenting. She holds the same basic premise as Brene that we, as parents, have to be willing to do the hard, internal work ourselves if we want to raise an emotionally healthier next generation. You cannot teach what you do not practice. Would we allow our doctors to be trained by those with no knowledge of medicine or surgery & let them practice on people? Of course not - but we do this emotionally every day, in so many pervasive ways that have a long lasting, difficult-to-reverse impact.
Glennon Doyle is another big favorite of mine & I was lucky enough to take my DD to see her speak live in a small forum not long ago. Her TED talk was early on in her speaking career but I just watched it again yesterday because her story reminds me that there is no yardstick that our damage is measured by. We don't need others to understand our damage for it to be real & for us to take control of moving from victim to warriors in life.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NHHPNMIK-fY
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