Residual effects long after you leave the addict
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,005
Smarie, I'm going to try to give you a timeline here that was only me and perhaps even a bit extreme. It took me 3 years of agony, no contact at all and no dating before I was really kind of better about my qualifier.
Everyone is different but for those of us with some recovery work to do, 1 month is nothing except a tiny tiny step on the road to recovery. Getting sober from an addiction to dysfunctional individuals is no joke; it is a gargantuan task that really deserves its own nobel peace prize only more so!
Breaking down and balling your head off sounds about right. . . . . .self harm . . . .ugh . . . .apparently part of the package of who you are . . . .not not not something you want to deal with but there it is.
Kudos to you Smarie you brave beautiful woman for posting here, for blocking that man, getting a therapist, and for posting here with questions. I've read what you have shared and am so impressed that you have done what you have done. It is beyond excruciating!
The AA idea of putting time together helped me a lot. Time can heal; it just takes a hell of a lot more time than any of us want it too. Every day you stay out of a relationship, ball your head off, and don't have contact with the xabf is a tiny step closer to a completely transformed life.
Everyone is different but for those of us with some recovery work to do, 1 month is nothing except a tiny tiny step on the road to recovery. Getting sober from an addiction to dysfunctional individuals is no joke; it is a gargantuan task that really deserves its own nobel peace prize only more so!
Breaking down and balling your head off sounds about right. . . . . .self harm . . . .ugh . . . .apparently part of the package of who you are . . . .not not not something you want to deal with but there it is.
Kudos to you Smarie you brave beautiful woman for posting here, for blocking that man, getting a therapist, and for posting here with questions. I've read what you have shared and am so impressed that you have done what you have done. It is beyond excruciating!
The AA idea of putting time together helped me a lot. Time can heal; it just takes a hell of a lot more time than any of us want it too. Every day you stay out of a relationship, ball your head off, and don't have contact with the xabf is a tiny step closer to a completely transformed life.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
I can relate to this topic.
I detached from my addict (her) back in June of 2017. If I remember correctly we didn't talk at all for like the first 5 months. Then over the next 6 months there were a few contacts. The last contact was June of 2017. When I say contact I mean where we had interaction. I have only seen her once in the past two years & that was for like 15 minutes June 2017.
The first 5 months NC were very difficult for me. I have no idea how I even did it. I literally crawled away. Was a very bad time for me.
From there every contact with her was bad. She had numerous major bad problems going on & wanted money help. The last contact June of 2017 was very bad & escalating problems. I have difficulty even remembering it clearly.
Today after about a year of not seeing or talking to her, lingering or residual effects remain. With time away, the bad time memories soften. I still love her & care about her. I still think about her. Once in a while tears come. I have to work hard at keeping my emotions towards her in check.
Even today I have to be very mindful & careful as to where my thoughts may start to linger. There are places concerning her where I cant let my mind linger too long. I have learned to control those thoughts. If uncontrolled, those thoughts can take me to very dark places.
Today I would love nothing better than to hear from her yet I literally pray to god that I don't hear from her. Although I think about it from time to time I will not contact her. I know it will be an extremely bad result if I do.
I am different today than I was prior to meeting her. In some ways for the good & in other ways not so good. I think I am forever changed by her which means long lasting residual effects.
I hope above somehow helps? I am sorry Smarie for how you are feeling now. However, I can relate. Please take care.
I detached from my addict (her) back in June of 2017. If I remember correctly we didn't talk at all for like the first 5 months. Then over the next 6 months there were a few contacts. The last contact was June of 2017. When I say contact I mean where we had interaction. I have only seen her once in the past two years & that was for like 15 minutes June 2017.
The first 5 months NC were very difficult for me. I have no idea how I even did it. I literally crawled away. Was a very bad time for me.
From there every contact with her was bad. She had numerous major bad problems going on & wanted money help. The last contact June of 2017 was very bad & escalating problems. I have difficulty even remembering it clearly.
Today after about a year of not seeing or talking to her, lingering or residual effects remain. With time away, the bad time memories soften. I still love her & care about her. I still think about her. Once in a while tears come. I have to work hard at keeping my emotions towards her in check.
Even today I have to be very mindful & careful as to where my thoughts may start to linger. There are places concerning her where I cant let my mind linger too long. I have learned to control those thoughts. If uncontrolled, those thoughts can take me to very dark places.
Today I would love nothing better than to hear from her yet I literally pray to god that I don't hear from her. Although I think about it from time to time I will not contact her. I know it will be an extremely bad result if I do.
I am different today than I was prior to meeting her. In some ways for the good & in other ways not so good. I think I am forever changed by her which means long lasting residual effects.
I hope above somehow helps? I am sorry Smarie for how you are feeling now. However, I can relate. Please take care.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: California
Posts: 143
Originally Posted by FallenAngelina 
Just as an alcoholic doesn't change simply by not drinking, we also cannot magically transform everything about ourselves just because we end our relationship. Other people do not make us what we are, they reflect where we are. If we don't like what we see, often we do need to remove ourselves, but this is always just the start - same as sobriety is just the start for an alcoholic. We can change, just as an alcoholic can change, but it's not done quickly and it's not done in isolation. Learning to navigate life in a healthier way (AKA recovery) is meant to be done both in meditation/prayer/quiet times and in community with others who are traveling in the same direction. The most important aspect of changing our lives, once we've decided to remove ourselves from an unhealthy relationship, is to commit to quiet alone time/prayer/meditation and commit to a community of change. I have never seen anyone change without a lifelong and ongoing commitment to both of these.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,430
I have suggested to you for years that you change your number.
Make it impossible for him to even send, or try to send, such toxic nonsense.
Beyond blocking, which can be undone to "check" or see if he is still "there", cut this final cord which he is still using to get inside your head and hurt you.
Make it symbolic, do a ritual, and finally let him go.
Make it impossible for him to even send, or try to send, such toxic nonsense.
Beyond blocking, which can be undone to "check" or see if he is still "there", cut this final cord which he is still using to get inside your head and hurt you.
Make it symbolic, do a ritual, and finally let him go.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
30 days of NC is not really long. In terms of recovery, it's like a minute. I've been roughly 2 years NC. I can tell you that in many ways I'm still recovering and in many ways, I will never recover. I don't mean I'm sad that I won't see him again. I'm actually glad of it -- makes life less complicated. But being with someone toxic for so long has taken a toll on my body. I will never recover from that because I developed a permanent sickness caused directly by extreme physical and mental stress and exposure to second-hand drug smoke. If I am not medicated, I lose control of my muscles and things hurt -- makes me feel 80 years old. So when I tell people that they are better off leaving, it is because I know what happens if you stay for long enough. Addiction kills... even codies.
Now on the plus side... life does get a lot better. I have moments of happiness I thought I could never have before. I am the only one in control of my life now (and even though it's not perfect, it's okay). It sometimes feels like I'm carrying around a disgusting secret... because people can talk about their families and never once have to mention that someone is an addict or was abusive. So I envy those people who have never had to deal with any of this. They have their nice house, their nice car, their kids, and a respectful, responsible spouse. But I'm sure their closets have skeletons too. Sometimes when people ask if I'm married, I think about the reason my marriage fell apart and I feel so horrible, I just say something ludicrous like, "no, I'm not married but I've had a horrible, horrible affair." Or "no, I'm not married, my husband is dead." Or "no, I have hundreds of ex-husbands"... really anything to get them to stop talking about marriage or babies or families.
Now... this guy you have not seen for 30 days. You are getting therapy, aren't you?
It helps if you make yourself so busy you have no time to think about him and his lies.
Now on the plus side... life does get a lot better. I have moments of happiness I thought I could never have before. I am the only one in control of my life now (and even though it's not perfect, it's okay). It sometimes feels like I'm carrying around a disgusting secret... because people can talk about their families and never once have to mention that someone is an addict or was abusive. So I envy those people who have never had to deal with any of this. They have their nice house, their nice car, their kids, and a respectful, responsible spouse. But I'm sure their closets have skeletons too. Sometimes when people ask if I'm married, I think about the reason my marriage fell apart and I feel so horrible, I just say something ludicrous like, "no, I'm not married but I've had a horrible, horrible affair." Or "no, I'm not married, my husband is dead." Or "no, I have hundreds of ex-husbands"... really anything to get them to stop talking about marriage or babies or families.
Now... this guy you have not seen for 30 days. You are getting therapy, aren't you?
It helps if you make yourself so busy you have no time to think about him and his lies.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Can you either block his email, or divert his messages into your junk or spam folder so you don’t have to see them? There’s no healthy reason why you should be reading them - you have no ongoing business with him.
Maybe think of reading his emails the way an alcoholic in recovery thinks of drinking alcohol - you know it’s bad for you and you know you’re going to be tempted by it, so arrange your circumstances so that you avoid being around the temptation (don’t have alcohol in the house, don’t have emails in your inbox).
Not reading email would also help you go “NC”. It’s not really no-contact if you’re still reading his new messages, like it’s not really abstinence if you’re still having a few drinks at happy hour. I can promise that after you are really, definitely out of contact with him you will start to feel better, although it will probably take longer than 30 days.
Maybe think of reading his emails the way an alcoholic in recovery thinks of drinking alcohol - you know it’s bad for you and you know you’re going to be tempted by it, so arrange your circumstances so that you avoid being around the temptation (don’t have alcohol in the house, don’t have emails in your inbox).
Not reading email would also help you go “NC”. It’s not really no-contact if you’re still reading his new messages, like it’s not really abstinence if you’re still having a few drinks at happy hour. I can promise that after you are really, definitely out of contact with him you will start to feel better, although it will probably take longer than 30 days.
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Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 395
Sasha1972: great advice! I've been NC with my XAGF for 3 weeks... but she sent me any email last night. And yeah, I have it re-directed to another folder -- but it needs to go straight to the trash set to delete. Or no true healing can happen. I have nothing left to sort out with her. I broke it off & left, no kids or possessions or financials. Thanks for reminding me. Thankfully I was out a work event & photographing (something I love doing & haven't in a long time)... I felt inspired & alive. I'll feel even better when I'm NOT reading her manipulative... I've always loved you... come back & "marry me" emails. 
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,355
Oh can I relate! I'm having the hangover from being with an addict. I've decided I'm good enough by myself and I'm all about having fun right now. No relationships just fun. What it does to us is horrendous. I wish you the best. Our bodies keep the score 😉
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 869
Thanks everyone as always for the enormous wisdom you have all found. The thing is, I no longer have feelings for him. I don't think of him except for certain moments when I go to places we used to go to or things like that. Otherwise I really feel nothing anymore. I think what I struggle most with has almost nothing to do with him. As many have stated above, like alcohol to alcoholics, just because the substance leaves doesn't mean the problems underneath vanish as well. I do agree though in that I need to block my ex from email as well since he seems to be using that as text since I blocked him there. Many of the messages right after were apologies and said it's just his way of processing the hurt he's going through of losing me and his surgery. I do notice after he berates me the apologies roll in and then random details of other sad things going on in his life (his mom's brother died, his dad has cancer, his handicap, etc.). Not sure if I believe some of the stuff bc of the timing. Anyways...
For me I have always struggled with low self worth. I have only ever been with partners who reinforced it for me. I either had quick flings with men who treated me as very disposable (understandably since they were flings). Or I have had long term partners that toed the line or were full on abusive. Never physically but manipulatively and verbally. They seemed to be the only men who stuck. I would date and meet loads of men, but it always felt like the only ones who wanted me around longer for a night were the ones who spent the following years cheating or putting me down, etc. Just overall not being very nice people. Recently I met someone I really liked and all I kept thinking is he is way too good for me because he was so nice and handsome and clean-cut, all the boxes checked I deep down never feel was "meant for me". Things didn't work out and I can't seem to get it out of my head that voice that says "see, I told you. why would someone so healthy and normal want you?". I know it's a bad thought but sometimes it's so very loud.
Anyway, I think I am going to take a break from dating for a while. Since my break up a year ago with XABF I have been with quite a few partners and I think that between feeling loved and left and being told things from my X that just play on that, my self-esteem is in the toilet. Interestingly enough in his insults he does tell me that guys don't want a **** and to make them work for it and not give it away so easy. I think it that sense he actually gave me some good advice.
Okay enough of the Sunday dull drums! I am going to just put my head up high and start the week on a good note. Today has been hard for me since I was supposed to see the "nice normal guy" but he never phoned me and now looking back I realized he was interested in me sexually but that was it, despite what he said. Still kind of hurts to feel like someone liked you but is "done" with you. But again, going to just keep going. Thanks again for all the kind words of support!
For me I have always struggled with low self worth. I have only ever been with partners who reinforced it for me. I either had quick flings with men who treated me as very disposable (understandably since they were flings). Or I have had long term partners that toed the line or were full on abusive. Never physically but manipulatively and verbally. They seemed to be the only men who stuck. I would date and meet loads of men, but it always felt like the only ones who wanted me around longer for a night were the ones who spent the following years cheating or putting me down, etc. Just overall not being very nice people. Recently I met someone I really liked and all I kept thinking is he is way too good for me because he was so nice and handsome and clean-cut, all the boxes checked I deep down never feel was "meant for me". Things didn't work out and I can't seem to get it out of my head that voice that says "see, I told you. why would someone so healthy and normal want you?". I know it's a bad thought but sometimes it's so very loud.
Anyway, I think I am going to take a break from dating for a while. Since my break up a year ago with XABF I have been with quite a few partners and I think that between feeling loved and left and being told things from my X that just play on that, my self-esteem is in the toilet. Interestingly enough in his insults he does tell me that guys don't want a **** and to make them work for it and not give it away so easy. I think it that sense he actually gave me some good advice.
Okay enough of the Sunday dull drums! I am going to just put my head up high and start the week on a good note. Today has been hard for me since I was supposed to see the "nice normal guy" but he never phoned me and now looking back I realized he was interested in me sexually but that was it, despite what he said. Still kind of hurts to feel like someone liked you but is "done" with you. But again, going to just keep going. Thanks again for all the kind words of support!
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
I always felt that my addict had tremendous power over me. I was no match for her at all. Even after I became aware & informed concerning addiction I still couldn't deal with her in any healthy manner.
If she was upset & cried I was done. Whatever she wanted she got even if I knew I shouldn't do it. Even if I didn't want to do it.
At other times she could be extremely cold like the Terminator. Her eyes would become lifeless. It was as if she became a different person. She would say crazy hurtful things & not even understand or smirk when I told her how much it hurt. When she was in Terminator mode her words even in text form could cut me like a knife. There was nothing I liked about her when she was like this.
She knew just how & could work me to no end. Towards the end she could literally bring me to my knees with just her words.
I took back my power from her. It wasn't easy however today she has no power over me.
My point here is that she didn't really have power over me. I gave her power over me. I had to work through why I gave her that power over me.
I hope Smarie you somehow learn to take back your power from your addict & men in general.
If she was upset & cried I was done. Whatever she wanted she got even if I knew I shouldn't do it. Even if I didn't want to do it.
At other times she could be extremely cold like the Terminator. Her eyes would become lifeless. It was as if she became a different person. She would say crazy hurtful things & not even understand or smirk when I told her how much it hurt. When she was in Terminator mode her words even in text form could cut me like a knife. There was nothing I liked about her when she was like this.
She knew just how & could work me to no end. Towards the end she could literally bring me to my knees with just her words.
I took back my power from her. It wasn't easy however today she has no power over me.
My point here is that she didn't really have power over me. I gave her power over me. I had to work through why I gave her that power over me.
I hope Smarie you somehow learn to take back your power from your addict & men in general.
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