Surfbee

Hey everyone, I've been off here for months as I'd been so overcome with stress and worry... Basically after my dad had a heart attack a few months ago I learned I was a couple of months pregnant.

​Making a decsion on what to do became the most stressful time. My 2 year A boyfriend completely freaked out and we split. I made two appointments to terminate the pregnancy but I couldn't go through with it....saught out counseling, talked to my family and closest friends. I was crippled with fear about either path ...both paths seemed unbearable.

Finally, for a moment, after weeks of worry, I managed to put my fears aside and connect with this little baby and suddenly I felt all this peace...it was in that moment i knew I really wanted to keep my baby. I then faced every worry in my mind to see if I could cope. Calculated finances, researched practicals and imagined all worst case scenarios in regards to A, and in regards to my own worries, and realised yes I can do this, I'll be a good mum and I'm ready. I also have a great support network, I'll manage. As soon as I made decsion I felt so happy.

And then out of nowhere after weeks my A shows up, he did a complete u-turn and wanted to make it work. He's stopped drinking, and he was very positive, planning the future, and he was all lovey dovey and overall very excited. But then he u-turned again after he got this bizarre panicked thought in his mind... Which snowballed into a nasty argument. No point going into specifics but basically he became quite verbally cruel and I just flipped out in reaction, and we've broken up (again).

Although he's stopped drinking, there is no recovery plan which isn't good. And I love him and would really love this all to work.... But i also sense it would be wise to get into a place of indifference in regards to him so that when baby arrives, I'm able to easily keep boundaries and we can be seperate but amicable. Just wanted to reach out here and hope you guys can offer some guidance on this, positive tips going forward about pregnancy, new motherhood in this kind of situation x

​​​​​

SparkleKitty

Congratulations Surfbee, on your impending bundle.

Regarding the alcoholic, it is more important than ever that you focus on seeing and accepting him for exactly who he is and letting go of what you wish he was or hope he can be. It doesn't mean you have to stop loving him or wishing the best for him. But you need to accept what he's capable of and what he isn't, because baby is going to need to take front and center in your life from now and through the foreseeable future. You have choices about what you allow in your life; baby will not.

Hawkeye13

This X 1000

Wishing you the very best Surfbee--you will be an amazing mother with your sensitivity, loving nature, and creativity.

Surfbee

Thanks SparkleKitty, yes I've struggled with acceptance and this really is the key.... I hope I get there again and can stay there. I know I need to now, more than anything.

Today's been an emotional one. I think so much is coming to the surface.

Thanks for saying I'll be an amazing mum Hawkeye, means a lot.

trailmix

Congratulations on the little one Surfbee.

With some distance perhaps, yes, separate but amicable is achievable and I think that is a really good goal here. You will have enough on your plate.

While he has "quit" drinking for the time being I wouldn't hold out any hope for that to continue for any length of time, based on history. I'm also sorry to hear he freaked out when he heard, not surprised, but sorry, I'm sure that's the last thing you needed.

I guess you won't know what kind of Father material he is made of until he shows you, but again, based on history I wouldn't get my hopes up too high. He might have moments of being a good Dad though, which is better than none at all.

So how do you get from A to B then. Do you plan on perhaps going no contact with him until the baby is born? That might give you the distance you need to detach from him and the roller-coaster.

One other thing that you can research while you have time is perhaps child support and visitation. Neither one may be an issue, who knows how much a part of this he might want to be, however, it might be a good idea to have something in place (legally written up and ready to be signed) for visitation before the baby is born, if he shows any inclination about that at all.

A visit to a lawyer at some point would be a good idea perhaps.

Awal

Congratulations!!! Your baby will become your no.1 priority and you will do whatever you need to do to protect its safety and well being.

Try not to look too far ahead, just step by step and see what happens. But l can say this...a calm pregnancy promotes a calm baby, ive seen this so many times (and the alternative!) So do your best to avoid stressful situations for both your sakes.

You are going to be a wonderful mummy xx

Surfbee

Thanks Trailmix, yes done research on child support / visitation etc. I believe he'll be a good father but know my rights, and his, if things were to get complicated.

​​​​​​I was doing no contact and then he showed up wanting to talk. I was happy to see him and so we've agreed on forgiving each other for not being the way want each other to be. I think that's a fair start on acceptance.

Thanks also Awal, yes taking it one day at a time, good not to think too far ahead now as you say. A calm pregnancy for a calm baby sounds great. I also recently started listening to The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. It's brilliant...really getting a lot from him. Being present as much as I can now. Thanks everyone xx

Hawkeye13

I've been listening to that book too Surfbee--I love it as well.

I'm glad you are looking into your legal rights--I'm curious if how child support works in the UK?

In the U.S., if you name the father or get DNA test, they are legally obliged to contribute financially and can have wages garnered, etc. though enforcement for the unwilling can be very difficult.

It's great you have forgiven each other. Have you discussed this aspect yet? It might be something you want to get in place legally before the birth so you aren't struggling financially and can be calm and stay home with the baby for awhile.

Awal

Eckhart Tolle is amazing. You could maybe look up a friend of mine on youtube. Her name is Lauren Ostrowski Fenton, she recommended Eckhart Tolle to me and she herself does wonderful guided meditations for calmness and to help with being present in the now. Check her out. Hope you are well and happy! Xx

Wombaticus

I have never, ever regretted having my children. I love them sooo much. Your little one will bring you such joy. They will, however, push you to places you never knew you had, especially when you throw in lack of sleep, fatigue, self doubt about whether they are too hot/cold etc. Now is the time to set your boundaries - be really clear about standards of behaviour. Even work on some pre-prepared phrases to use if things get nasty, such as "im going to hang up now do we can talk about this later when we are calmer". Apart from milk, warmth, and cleanliness, your baby needs only love and protection. She/he already has that. X

Surfbee

sorry I've not replied to your kind messages Awal, Hawkeye, Wombaticus... the latest news is that I'm heartbroken right now.

We're on again, off again, on again, off again.... It's been the most painful relationship I've had but one that has taught me the most about myself .... and i'm very grateful for this although today I just can't stop crying ... it's very painful facing truths about myself... about my flaws, my fears ... I feel so aware of how much I messed up.

I wish I had been more aware of myself and my reactions...We could be getting on great one minute, and then the next he'll hit out with a negative comment / put down / something judgemental or critical .. and I wish I was so zen I could rise above reacting but I'm definitely not, I'm sensitive and the normal thing for me to do is stand up for myself... but usually in a defensive angry way and then he shuts down and I feel guilty. :-( He hasn't drank in 3 months and although he's not drinking, he's probably even more moody and grumpy now which makes being with him so hard. at times.. and yet I love him so much too. God why is it so conflicting ? :-(

He said if I really love him then why do I take what he says so personally? Why do I get so easily hurt? I say because it's hurtful. Because I love you and I don't want you to say unnecessary hurtful things. whether it's about someone else or not, it's just not nice. He says he loves me but i'm too emotional and hormonal, therefore can't be with me anymore. And yes he's right ! I am ... !

I feel very scared facing the rest of my pregnancy alone, and raising child alone... and scared to face him moving on too. When we'd broken up last time, every fear I previously faced, I'd come to terms with, but now everything is hitting me again and harder than before ... because we were really getting somewhere I hoped, and we were both very excited about being a family... but it feels so done this time.

A couple of weeks ago I learned about the emotional "pain body" that Echkart Tolle talks about... learning about this has helped me understand many years of "pain-body" highjacking... but as it's all new learning, I'm no expert at applying obv after two weeks of learning ....... but I am trying ..

Very much wanted to grow with him but here I am ! very sad and feeling lost.

trailmix

Hi Surfbee, I'm sorry to hear you are in so much emotional pain.

First things first, as always (but bears repeating) please look after yourself with kindness. Lots of rest, eat (even if you don't feel like it), post as much as you want, hash it out here, with friends, vent!

You are not alone.

What he said about you being "too emotional and hormonal", that is absolutely untrue, it's just not the truth. You are not "too" anything (unless YOU decide you are). Now the truth may be he can't handle emotional displays, that's him, it's not you. I just think it's important to identify these things because the alternate here implies there is something inherently "wrong" with you.

Secondly, "He said if I really love him then why do I take what he says so personally? Why do I get so easily hurt"? Makes exactly zero sense. It's a contradiction. You care about him (which implies you care about what he thinks) so - when I say destructive, hurtful things to you, why do you get upset and hurt? That's quacking right there.

Now, on to the most important thing there, you and your little one. Well, a few weeks ago you mentioned you had sat down and worked out the finances and nuts and bolts of all this and you will manage fine. Keep that uppermost in your mind. You are safe, you are going to be ok.

Rally the troops, you have friends, you have acquaintances, you have family, lean on them.

Look forward. Your worse case scenario right now is that you are going to be a single parent with a lovely child. That's not really a bad thing!

As for him, well, you know all too well how it goes when someone is white-knuckling it. He is horribly unreliable. Until he decides to exit the ride he will go in these circles. It's funny you know, he claims you are too "emotional" and is that just a mirror? He is very fickle to be throwing stones.

It hurts. Even when it's really no good, it hurts! I know you know that you are going to have to ride out these emotions. Just know that you will be ok, you really will be. Again, be kind to yourself.

SparkleKitty

This looks and sounds to me like nothing more than the justification of a person who is looking to bail. I'm sorry that he has somehow managed to convince you that not only is it your fault, but that it has anything to do with you at all.

It is not your job to rise above everything all the time. It is not your job to be what you think is "perfect" but what I would describe as "inhuman." Our emotions--like physical pain-- are indications that something is wrong. We are not built to ignore them, we are built to listen to them and address the source.

I'm sorry he is not who you hoped he was or would be. But YOU are exactly who you should be, and who you need to be right now, not for HIM, but for you and your baby. Beating yourself up for not being able to mold yourself into the unrealistic person he has convinced you you should be will get you nowhere. Loving yourself, respecting yourself enough to reject those who treat you badly and then tell you it's your fault will make all the difference, Surfbee.

You are enough. Just you, by yourself.

dandylion

Surfbee….I think that Sparklekitty is right....he sounds like a bailer....
I know that you say that you have the "love" feeling for him....Undoubtedly, you have bonded with him. That bond feels the same if the other person is good for us or bad for us..... You will go through the same grieving for the loss of your dreams.....
In relatioships...it takes more than the "love" feeling to make it work.
Mature and healthy love does not hurt.

Alcoholics and addicts are notoriously bad as relationship material. They can't take care of themselves and deal with life on life's terms. They have little to give to others, when it is really needed.
I worked in a woman's hospital, at one point. We did lots of deliveries. It was very eye opening, what I observed at time of delivery. Alcoholic husbands and boyfriends who showed up, drunk, at the delivery room.....or, those who didn't even show up, at all. I watched many women go through delivery, totally alone and very upset, about it.
The very common promise...."I'll quit drinking when the baby comes" is so very misleading....brecause, the most common thing is that they actually begin drinking more....the responsibility scares these men to death.....
Alcoholics drink to deal with emotions....negative emotions and positive emotions, alike. The drink if they lose a job...and, they drink to celebrate the cat's birthday. They drink when they get their girlfriend pregnant....and, they drink when the babv is born....

Please....start planning for your delivery and for the post partum period, after that. You say that you have a good support system....so, now is the time to lean on that support system. Get someone to be your birth coach...and, arrange for help, when you return home.
Do not rely on him for any help.
If he ever shows hos face...just consider that to be "gravy"....but, do niot hitch your star to his wagon....
You deserve better and your baby deserves a happy and independent and stable mother...…
Sometimes, we have to just have that "love" feeling at a distance....because, up close, they will wreck us.....

FallenAngelina

This is incredibly wise. We can still love them, just from a greater distance.

Surfbee

Thanks everyone....

I surrendered to everything yesterday with him in an email, and in that process I really put myself down..said I was too this and too that... And messed it all up. Not sure if that was surrendering to what was because I was being very honest with myself, or was my analysis of the situation very skewed due to feeling so low.

Your posts remind me to see the other side. Though I do feel it's right to take accountability for my part, but I see how much I've overdid the self - bashing... After every break up with him, my light goes out, i take days to get out of bed, analyze everything to death send him all this love (energetically) hoping for things to shift again... That he'll soften his heart again.

There has been so much coming and going on his part that I've become quite used to it.... he knows everytime he ends it he can have me at the click of his finger. No wonder he walks away with so much confidence and conviction.

But then of course after a time he returns. Maybe not this time. Feels different this time.

​​​​​​I really want to feel strong, happy, independent and stable... I just get into thinking that he's really a great guy and will be a great support (as he can be) ... So when he shows up in that mode, I want him. But I see the cycle...pleasure pain pleasure pain. It scares me how much pain I've put myself through. Maybe it's easier to blame myself than to face that he's not good for me. I don't know what the whole concrete truth is other than I love him and life is better when he's there. He was my best friend.

Reading those words back tell me that I need to accept he is not here. Whatever the reasons he's gone. And I really have to take care of myself and my baby now.

​​Your posts are very helpful.... Just so hard facing the ending of a dream.

Surfbee

​​​​​​
🙏

Surfbee

This little video has cheered me up this morning. I like hearing the host giggling. lol...and good advice. x

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EVq2YS5Pp2A

trailmix

Yes, we should always examine our part in relationships. You are really hard on yourself though.

Let's pretend you are "too emotional" as he stated.

So he looks at it and thinks, well, she is just too emotional, cries when I say something that could be slightly hurtful, I'm tired of listening to the complaints about how I am not kind enough with her. Do I have to watch every single thing I say!

That's not you, that's him. He has decided that HE can't handle the emotions. That doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you, you are just as you are. Now, if you think you cry at the drop of a hat and that's too much, well that's up to you to work on or be comfortable with, as YOU choose, that's your side of the street, his side is a mess btw (not that he knows that because everything is your fault).

I'm going to guess you are also "too sensitive". I take this to mean that you should be completely sensitive to all his trials and tribulations but not be sensitive to anything he says or does.

Whenever someone comes to you with a - YOU are - whatever, they aren't talking about you, they are talking about their reaction to you. They can either accept you as you are or keep distance.

That whole - if you love me why are you hurt comment is so classic of impaired thinking. I hurt you, I know this, why are you hurt? That's just mean, nothing more. That is some kind of warped justification for venting negative feelings on to you. When someone hurts you, you get hurt, whether you love them or hate them or something inbetween, that's completely normal!

I'm going to guess that a lot of the blame you put on yourself is about being too - whatever the emotion is - in this relationship. Expecting him to show up and be kind, gracious, polite, caring, loving? Then you look at that and think, well those are my expectations, he is not capable of any of those things on a regular basis, so my expectations are out of whack, it's not him it's me!

I'm going to quote Sparklekitty because she said it so succinctly:

Having him stroll in and out of your life is really destructive. You can heal from this, you have done it before. You will feel better. Try not to dwell too much on him, when you can. You know what is best for you.

dandylion

Surfbee…..the fact that you said that "He was my best friend" stood out to me.
Really?!
Does a best friend desert you just when you need them the most?
Does a best friend minimize your legitimate feelings?
Is your best friend "verbally cruel" to you....ever....

You don't need to live off of "crumbs" in a relationship....you are worth much more than that...
I think that you described the Cycle of Abuse...."pleasure...pain...pleasure...pain...(goo gle "cycle of abuse")….

Mature and healthy love is not abusive and doesn't hurt this much.....

I think that you are probably right....that he will probably not return...in any meaningful way....living up to the responsibilities of a parent scares these kind of guys to death.....

surfbee...here is my biggest fear for you----not that he won't return...because that would really be a gift to you, if he doesn't return....as you will do better without him.....
My biggest fear for you is that you...like all of us humans....will repeat the same pattern, again, with someone else....We all repeat our patterns, if we don't learn from our experiences.....
This whole painful experience can be a golden opportunity for you to do some self exploration and introspection. To learn more about yourself and your needs and what "makes you tick", so to speak.....
Now is the time to learn all that you can.
Knowledge is power.....

In order to begin this journey into self awareness....which will increase your self esteem and confidence enormously.....and spare you the pain of another such relationship, in the future....It will help you find relationships that nurture and help you thrive....not hurt you....

1. Read "Co-Dependent No More"
2. Read about the "Cycle of Abuse"
3. Call your local Domestic Abuse organization and ask to join their women's support group,,,,and be assigned a personal counselor....(these are great people!)….
4. Avoid getting into another intimate relationship until you have done the work on yourself and can recognize what is healthy and nurturing for you....
5. If you get into another relationship....take a LON/g time to get to know that person really well.....it takes about a year or two....
6. Now that you have a small child to think of....do not get into any relationship commitments...like living together (for example)...or ever become dependent on a partner for your primary support....Do not ever give away your independence, again....

I realize that I am speaking quite candidly, to you. Everything that I have saijd, I have learned from my OWN school of hard knocks.....lol...