Kixster

Over the weekend I tried once again to get through to my husband and convince him of the need for him to quit drinking.I have already arranged a professional intervention but had decided to give it one last ditch effort in hopes that he could somehow find his own initiative and strength to work on quitting with the help and support of those who care about him.Friday when he drove to the store to get another bottle his stepdaughter and I rode with him and on the way I got the courage to approach him in a loving manner and expressed just how much we love him and told him that it was time for him to quit and told him that I know it won't be easy and that I would help him slowly ween himself off the alcohol (OK don't laugh & know that I feel like a total idiot at this point and you will see why as you continue to read this) Anyway...I told him that he could get his bottle but I would be keeping it under lock and key and provide him a daily alcohol ration which would be reduced slowly in the amount of the ration given. The 1st ration did NOT go well,I gave him a whole pint (My husband drinks a half gallon every 2 days) Anyway..Instead of trying to work with his 1st ration sensibly,he quickly consumed it in less than an hour it was gone! Not long after drinking that he became mean and tried to instigate a fight/argument by verbally attacking me and my daughter.We did not feed into his actions and just tried to ignore him.He continued his antics and crazy behavior until he passed out.Yesterday on Mother Day I awoke to a very drunk husband too,he had drank his daily ration before I had awoke at 7:30 am and was stumbling all over and told me happy mothers day and then told me he was going to drive to McDonnalds to get me an egg Mc-muffin for breakfast..I calmed him down and said no please don't I'm not hungry right now and it's all good,i'm fine.He settled down and passed out on the couch.Sunday night is the start of his work nights and he works the graveyard shift,so of course I get up this Monday morning and he has drank his daily ration and is sitting there all stressed out and mumbling about that he is so tired but cannot go to bed until he called one of his debtors and tried to work out something with them because he is 2 months behind in payments..he goes out to his car to talk to them on the phone so I have no idea how that went and then he cranks up the stereo in his car jams out a while and finally comes back in the house and passes out.Well now I'm doing things around the house and needed a tool and the tool box is in his truck.Well guess what else I found in his truck...a brand new bottle of booze which I figure he thought he had safely hidden away for himself in his time of "need" .I know now that my idiotic plan of weening him slowly off the booze is never going to work ...So time for plan B I am going forward with the intervention ASAP.Moving Forward NOW!

trailmix

Hi Kixster and welcome!

Sorry for what brings you here, of course.

I think you have an uphill battle on your hands (I'm sure you already know this!)

There are some great articles and threads in the stickies section at the top of the forum that you might find interesting:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

I encourage you to read them, you might find that it really helps to understand your situation.

Another set of articles here are very informative as well:

Addiction, Lies and Relationships

Who will be involved in the intervention with you?

Kixster

Thanks for the reading materials trailmix. I have a professional interventionist who will be working with us.We are planning a loving intervention and of course my daughter/his step daughter who has been his stepdaughter for 15 plus years will be there and his sisters will be there too and of course his mother wants to be a part of the intervention too and I'm hoping she will be up to it,she had a few strokes last year and failing kidneys and she is in her 80's

SparkleKitty

I think it was really important for me to educate myself about addiction--not so that I could help my addicted loved ones seek recovery but so I could keep my expectations reasonable about whether or not they would ever do that.

There are no magic fixes for an addict who isn't ready to quit. But we absolutely can make changes within ourselves and set boundaries so we are not engaging with the addiction in ways that make us sick ourselves.

LifeChangeNYC

Hi Kixter: welcome & glad you found this forum. It's helped me & so many others.

I'm still fairly new here -- but the pain is deep. I did, early on try & control what & how much my AXGF drank but honestly it wasn't for me to control. It was her life & her addiction. Yes, her addiction had such a severe impact on my life & well being.

But honestly every attempt I made at trying to control... talk... cry... beg... write letters... walk away... argue... hold interventions (had plenty), etc... the worse things became. They also became extremely dangerous as her drinking increased. The more I tried - the more she drank & the more I was spiraling out of control.

When she'd try to detox or cut back (again, not recommended) at home... she'd discuss with me what was a fair "daily alcohol ration" for herself... she'd make a list & she'd try to drink less each day. I wouldn't decide, she would.

But looking back, only trained medical professionals (in my opinion) should handle this in a proper detox environment. The reason I bring this up... is because many alcoholics can have seizures (like my ex did countless times & nearly died) & worse if alcohol rationing starts to happen without understanding how much/how little, etc. It can become physically dangerous for the alcoholic and also mentally dangerous (& sometimes both) to the partner who's trying to "control" the drinking. He/she's gotta want it. My ex was/is an adult & didn't need me to tell her when she could/could not drink. Even though, my heart was crying out to SAVE her!

There's a lot of important/helpful posts & comments on interventions on here as well.

Wish you the best, as I can imagine just how painful this is for you & your family!

dandylion

Kixster……..since it will take some time for the interventionist to do background work...now would be a good time for you to begin reading and learning about alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones.....
The links that trailmix gave you contains a lot...a lot...of information, gathered into one place. There are over 100 articles in the Classic Reading link.....
If you haven't already read it....I suggest that you read the most often recommended book, on this site..."Co-Dependent No More"....It is an easy read and I think a lot of it will resonate with you...
In addition, attending alanon meetings for you...and, alateen for your daughter will give you the kind of emotional support that you will be needing.....

You will need as much education and support as your husband.....because this disease effects and involves the whole family....
I hope that the intervention works out....but, keep in mind that rehab is just the first step towards making life-long life changes.....
The future is not, yet, written....so,it will be necessary for you to be prepared for however it turn out......and, your daughter, as well, because she has been living this for many years, also.....

I hope that you will keep reading and posting.....

Kixster

Thank You Dandylion and for replies from everyone,it is much needed because I don't know where to turn and frankly I'm scared to death..I feel like I'm walking on egg shells.My daughter who rents a room in my home and pulls her own weight around here is in her 30's so she could go to alanon with me.After her father died from alcohol in 2002 she spiraled out of control and got hooked on crack cocaine.She has been clean and is doing well since 2007.I don't want to lose another husband to alcohol and she doesn't want to lose someone who is a father figure to her and has helped her through so much.

AnvilheadII

i would hope that the professional interventionist would be straight with you on the possible outcomes of said intervention. your husband has the right to refuse treatment. and as sad and unfortunate as that MAY be, it's better to consider what that means for YOU. in order for an intervention to "work" (not fix or cure), the entire intervention squad needs to be on the same page.

if he agrees then there should be an immediate plan in place, as in a treatment center with a bed open NOW...not three days from now, not next week. giving an addict ANY time to reconsider is usually fatal to the recovery choices.

if he does NOT agree, you need to have an immediate plan. to simply say ah well, we tried and return to things exactly as they have been negates the entire intervention process. and it let's HIM know that no one is really willing to take a stand.

i understand you have the added concern of how this will all affect your daughter. however, she has been in recovery and clean for 12 years.....and she is in her 30s, so she is well equipped to handle whatever life throws at her. believe in her ability to do so.

this is a tough road. we've all been there, either as loved ones or addicts or both. i'm what they call a "double winner" - both as an addict and as the loved one of addicts. i lost my mom to liver disease from drinking when i was 34. at the time i had five years sober. i later relapsed, left my husband of the time, and wouldn't ya know it, the new guy just happened to be a crackhead. who knew?? i gleefully joined in, thinking i certainly could handle my cocaine, having survived the 80's, and lo and behold within three short months, i was hooked. 4.5 years late, i quit. that was like....13 years ago? and i'm now approaching 60. ()

i only give the short CV to indicate that many of us have BEEN there. Recovery IS possible, but only if the addict is willing to reach for it. for my mother, that day never came. for myself, it only came the precise moment I WAS ready.....

Sleepyhollo

If our love and support could make an addict quit we wouldn’t be here.

I think you need to have very realistic expectiations. My XRAH was in rehab for 3 months after I gave him an ultimatum. It only worked because he himself had gotten to the point that he felt he could no longer go on like that. He was mad about having to go to rehab but he didn’t have a whole lot of choice. He could’ve lost his job had he refused. There were quite a few people in rehab who went there because family made them. The majority relapsed as soon as they got out and some even during when they were allowed to leave campus.
My Ex sister in law also went to a couple of rehabs because the parents talked her into it. She did her month and then left even though they recommended she stay.

Unless they quit for themselves, because they want to and they are ready, honestly you are just throwing away a lot of money. My ex admitted during marriage counseling that if I had given the ultimatum 2 years earlier (the last time he quit without treatment) he would not have been ready and would not have succeeded even with treatment. So like PP said, think about what it means for you if he refuses. What will that look like?

We have all learned the hard way there is no controlling an addict and no amount of pleading, begging, lovingly explaining etc will make them quit unless THEY are ready. Read codependent no more and check out Pleasure Unwoven, it is a really good documentary about alcoholism/addiction that explains the disease vs choice model in laymen’s terms. If your daughter did a treatment program when she quit she probably learned a lot and can probably share that with you as well. She is looking st it from a recovering addict’s prospective and can probably shed some light on that side.

Kixster

We gotta do what we gotta do...we realize that he loves drinking more than us right now and he would go to the ends of the earth NOT to give it up ~ Yes all insurance and costs have been verified and room WILL be reserved before intervention takes place.Yes we will be devastated and heartbroken if he refuses treatment.Yes we are prepared if he refuses treatment..and have fully accepted the fact that he may just do that.He will not be allowed to return here if he chooses that decision because we cannot live like this anymore.It is better to have tried and failed then never to have tried at all.If I had tried instead of turning the other cheek with my 1st husband of 23 years then maybe he would still be alive today,so even if my husband refuses to get help at least we know in our hearts that at least we TRIED. Yes it's totally up to him though if he wants to live or wants to die but one things for sure no matter what he decides he will know we loved him enough to offer him a chance to heal and get well..a new chance at life.

FeelingGreat

Let us know how it goes Kixter. Obviously he has a lot of good in him if your daughter loves him and he has helped her.

Alcohol is a horrible addiction. I hope this gives him the incentive to go to rehab.

hopeful4

I am so sorry you and your daughter are going through this. Sending lots of support for your family!

NYCDoglvr

What's necessary for someone to get sober is called "HOW". They must be honest, open and willing. All the words, threats, pleading and logic don't work. It has to come from the alcoholic. Alanon -- especially the invaluable support -- was a lifesaver for me and I recommend it. A big hug.

Kixster

Everything fell through ~ His family,most importantly his mother who had told me she wanted him to stop drinking and would stand behind me bailed out.I got in touch with her after all plans had finally been laid to ask her which day and time out of the slots we were given would be most convenient for her and she said "How can he be a REAL Alcoholic if he goes to work everyday" and" If he was a REAL Alcoholic how does he manage to work at work if he is not drinking" and "The fact that he can go to work for 10 hour without a drink definitely is a sure sign that he does NOT have a problem" and you all are just gonna love this one,She went on to tell me "No wonder he got an extra bottle to hide behind your back because his ration of a pint (which equals 2 cups and I'm not sure she realizes that fact) Is just not enough and she added...Gee, I couldn't even get drunk if I drank a pint" .Then she went on to tell me many hurtful things until she broke me down in tears...She even went as far to say It's my fault he drinks anyway and if she had to live with me she would drink too.I'm devastated,deeply hurt and tired of being belittled attacked and abused by my A husband

SparkleKitty

Kixster I am so sorry his mother unloaded on you like that. Of course everything she said can be chalked up to the incredible denial that often surrounds families living with addiction. These are deeper hurts than you can heal. Please resist the urge to take any of it--what his mother says and what he says--personally.

Sadly, it seems that he still has plenty of enablers in his pocket. Please don't let his unwillingness to change keep you stuck in such an unhappy situation.

Kixster

Thank You SparkleKitty,I needed that.It is definitely time to shift my concerns to myself and my daughter who have to live daily in this living hell.

AnvilheadII

so sorry Kix. but if there is an up side, it's better she showed her allegiance NOW rather than at a critical time of an intervention.
it's pretty much human nature for family to circle the wagons against "the outsiders" - the more dysfuntional the group, the tighter the wagons are circled. remember, you are talking about HER precious baby boy who can do no wrong.

and.........now you know. information is power, even if it arrives in an odd shaped box.

and now you can shift your focus to taking care of you and your daughter. enough is enough. your choices do not equate to a life or death decision for your current husband. HIS choices dictate HIS life.

Wombaticus

Kixster, this is hard. Really hard. Do something good to look after yourself today. You haven't caused this, and you can't fix it. Who is supporting you? Have you been to alanon? My first meeting was so completely full of tears, but i was in a safe place where people knew my pain. I cant get there regularly, but learnt lessons even from that first meeting. W

Kixster

Yes Alanon is in my plans.I have been reading some of their information online from some of their highlighted meetings and it's really helping me already.I am looking forward to attending their next meeting in my area.

endofmyrope65

I don't understand this. Why shouldn't she take it personally? Her MIL blasted her, abused her, undermined her. I understand the concept of not taking it personally, but really?

I've heard it over and over again... its the booze talking, Its the family denial talking...

I say hogwash. This kind of trash talk hurts... cuts to the core of a person's heart. Why should we "not take it personally"? It IS personal. And Mom screwed up her well thought out and planned intervention to help her husband.

That's something i dont understand about some of the Al-Anon message. Detach with love... sounds good but what about when they downright attack you to the core of who you are and what you do? Especially when you've gone to great lengths to help a loved one.