Moving Forward...now
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by endofmyrope65 
That's something i dont understand about some of the Al-Anon message. Detach with love... sounds good but what about when they downright attack you to the core of who you are and what you do?.
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
It never did anything for me but keep me enmeshed in the problem instead of my solution.
This is the core of AlAnon. Everyone comes into the program bloodied, bruised and battered after their many attempts to help, assuming that we are the smart ones and those addicts just don't get it. We're suffocating in the quicksand of wrestling with the problem. There's only one way to go when you wrestle with addiction. AlAnon's answer is really quite simple - give up the fight because if you keep fighting (AKA "helping") you will meet with a certain doom. "Don't take it personally" means find a way to let people be who they are, let them make their own choices. "Don't take it personally" means choose how and with whom you will interact instead of constantly reacting to what others dish out. "Don't take it personally" means recognize that people caught in the web of addiction (including ourselves) are wresting with many distorted thoughts that long pre-date the relationship with the person standing in front of us. "Don't take it personally" means that we choose to be the captains of the course of our lives.
"Work the program, not the problem." Your program doesn't have to be Alanon, but it sure has to be a comprehensive plan to reorient our focus away from the alcoholic. There is no other guide map out of addiction.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 16
Originally Posted by endofmyrope65
I don't understand this. Why shouldn't she take it personally? Her MIL blasted her, abused her, undermined her. I understand the concept of not taking it personally, but really?
I've heard it over and over again... its the booze talking, Its the family denial talking...
I say hogwash. This kind of trash talk hurts... cuts to the core of a person's heart. Why should we "not take it personally"? It IS personal. And Mom screwed up her well thought out and planned intervention to help her husband.
That's something i dont understand about some of the Al-Anon message. Detach with love... sounds good but what about when they downright attack you to the core of who you are and what you do? Especially when you've gone to great lengths to help a loved one.
I've heard it over and over again... its the booze talking, Its the family denial talking...
I say hogwash. This kind of trash talk hurts... cuts to the core of a person's heart. Why should we "not take it personally"? It IS personal. And Mom screwed up her well thought out and planned intervention to help her husband.
That's something i dont understand about some of the Al-Anon message. Detach with love... sounds good but what about when they downright attack you to the core of who you are and what you do? Especially when you've gone to great lengths to help a loved one.
being curious about what he was doing.He fell down several times and got up and continue to make his way to the shed outside and after some clanging and banging in there he emerged with some chains and a come a long.At that point we were like what is going on and what are you doing??,it was also at that point we realized his forehead was bleeding profusely.He told us that he had had a little fender bender and was going to go get his car (Which was a beautiful brand new dodge charger) and bring it home and then call insurance.By this point we could hear sirens close by,so my daughter and I ran to the end of the driveway and looked down the road.Our road was blocked off by ambulances,police and fire trucks galore. We knew this was bad at that point and we told him that he could not go to his car and that we had better hide him because he was going to jail if he returned to his car.Not long after we hid him the police knocked on the door with his wallet in their possession which they handed to me and told me his car had hit a tree down the road and that they knew alcohol was involved because there was a strong drink in the cup holder driver side.They asked us if we knew where he was and we told him we did not and they asked if they could come in and have a look around and we said of course.They searched the house pretty good,looked under beds and in closets and then asked us once again "Where is he?" We stayed steadfast that we had no idea where he was.They told us that they believed we were hiding him to protect him and explained to us that that was a serious crime and when they found him that they were going to arrest us too.Even though both of us were shaking in our shoes at that point we remained calm and steadfast.They told us that they were going to get a search warrant and that they would return,then they left.After they left my daughter and I called a close friend down the street from us explained what was going on and secretly moved him to their place.Then walked down the road to see our car that the roll back was then pulling out.I almost fainted when I saw it and my daughter grabbed me to steady me.He had run over the steel street sign (which lay flat on the ground) and crossed over a large ditch and hit a huge tree with great force and the car was barely recognizable. We then returned to our friends home down the road and I told them that we needed to try to sober him up the best we could and that he needed to be seen at a Hospital because he might have injuries that we don't know he has yet.Luckily he had no internal injuries and thank goodness it was a single car accident *gasp*. He quit drinking for only a couple of days after that horrific accident and the ONLY thing my daughter and I could leverage out of it was a promise from him that he would NEVER drink and drive again.He even knew it was a miracle he lived though such a horrible crash.His family was informed of everything and knew that we had put ourselves in jeopardy covering for him and they ran to his rescue and gave him money to cover the insurance deductibles and felt sorry for him.Then they said the police were just shaking you ladies down and bluffing you,I don't know why they even bothered you because it was a single car accident and the only person he hurt was himself,I can't believe they even wasted their time ..like it was NOTHING! Yes mother in laws words tore my heart out...At first when I approached her about it she seemed to be genuinely concerned and acted like she was on my side and I was and still am shocked she turned on me and bailed out and said the horrible things she said to me...After all she was beaten up bad almost on a daily basis for so many years by my husbands father,her husband ~ Who was a chronic alcoholic too!!! Sorry for such a long post but I needed to VENT and get something off my conscience.Thanks for listening. Kixster
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
Kixster, I'm sorry all of this is going on in your family. I'm going to say something that is going to seem harsh, please know it is not intended that way and is just my opinion from what you have written.
What your MIL said and what you have done in the example you just gave, of his accident, is really one and the same thing. Everyone running around putting out fires, protecting HIM. Not protecting your Daughter, yourself but him.
You allowed your Daughter to lie to the police, encouraged it, had her break the law, to defend and cover for the crime he committed while drunk.
This is called enabling and this is its worst form, when it is given to the child.
You said you would give your life for him. Well you are, every day and you have given part of hers as well. You encouraged her to dismiss her integrity to defend his alcoholism and his choices.
Have you read the book Codependant no more by Melody Beattie? If not I would recommend you do as it might shed some light on your situation. If you do get the book, please give it to your Daughter to read as well.
I don't know that an intervention with this group would even be effective, he has been coddled for so long, why would he take any of you seriously? Do you really believe if he refused to go to treatment you would let him live elsewhere?
Anyway, I don't want to write a novel here but enabling someone to continue drinking is not helping them. You may just enable him to death.
Again, not said harshly, just with concern.
What your MIL said and what you have done in the example you just gave, of his accident, is really one and the same thing. Everyone running around putting out fires, protecting HIM. Not protecting your Daughter, yourself but him.
You allowed your Daughter to lie to the police, encouraged it, had her break the law, to defend and cover for the crime he committed while drunk.
This is called enabling and this is its worst form, when it is given to the child.
You said you would give your life for him. Well you are, every day and you have given part of hers as well. You encouraged her to dismiss her integrity to defend his alcoholism and his choices.
Have you read the book Codependant no more by Melody Beattie? If not I would recommend you do as it might shed some light on your situation. If you do get the book, please give it to your Daughter to read as well.
I don't know that an intervention with this group would even be effective, he has been coddled for so long, why would he take any of you seriously? Do you really believe if he refused to go to treatment you would let him live elsewhere?
Anyway, I don't want to write a novel here but enabling someone to continue drinking is not helping them. You may just enable him to death.
Again, not said harshly, just with concern.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 16
Originally Posted by trailmix
Kixster, I'm sorry all of this is going on in your family. I'm going to say something that is going to seem harsh, please know it is not intended that way and is just my opinion from what you have written.
What your MIL said and what you have done in the example you just gave, of his accident, is really one and the same thing. Everyone running around putting out fires, protecting HIM. Not protecting your Daughter, yourself but him.
You allowed your Daughter to lie to the police, encouraged it, had her break the law, to defend and cover for the crime he committed while drunk.
This is called enabling and this is its worst form, when it is given to the child.
You said you would give your life for him. Well you are, every day and you have given part of hers as well. You encouraged her to dismiss her integrity to defend his alcoholism and his choices.
Have you read the book Codependant no more by Melody Beattie? If not I would recommend you do as it might shed some light on your situation. If you do get the book, please give it to your Daughter to read as well.
I don't know that an intervention with this group would even be effective, he has been coddled for so long, why would he take any of you seriously? Do you really believe if he refused to go to treatment you would let him live elsewhere?
Anyway, I don't want to write a novel here but enabling someone to continue drinking is not helping them. You may just enable him to death.
harshly, just with concern.
What your MIL said and what you have done in the example you just gave, of his accident, is really one and the same thing. Everyone running around putting out fires, protecting HIM. Not protecting your Daughter, yourself but him.
You allowed your Daughter to lie to the police, encouraged it, had her break the law, to defend and cover for the crime he committed while drunk.
This is called enabling and this is its worst form, when it is given to the child.
You said you would give your life for him. Well you are, every day and you have given part of hers as well. You encouraged her to dismiss her integrity to defend his alcoholism and his choices.
Have you read the book Codependant no more by Melody Beattie? If not I would recommend you do as it might shed some light on your situation. If you do get the book, please give it to your Daughter to read as well.
I don't know that an intervention with this group would even be effective, he has been coddled for so long, why would he take any of you seriously? Do you really believe if he refused to go to treatment you would let him live elsewhere?
Anyway, I don't want to write a novel here but enabling someone to continue drinking is not helping them. You may just enable him to death.
harshly, just with concern.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
Exactly - sugar coating, protecting him, although your planned result (his awakening to his problem and solving it with your help) did not happen at all.
His MIL sugar coating his behaviour is the same thing, her desired result may be different (she just wants to think of her Son as having a somewhat productive and "normal" life) the intent from both of you is the same.
You will both "save" him, show him, teach him, rescue him, make him look "ok".
He, on the other hand, just drinks.
His MIL sugar coating his behaviour is the same thing, her desired result may be different (she just wants to think of her Son as having a somewhat productive and "normal" life) the intent from both of you is the same.
You will both "save" him, show him, teach him, rescue him, make him look "ok".
He, on the other hand, just drinks.
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Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 66
Originally Posted by Kixster
Yes it breaks my heart what she said to me and totally confuses me too.She knows I love and will always protect her son with my life.I've been with him 15+ years now.I've helped her in so many ways and host mothers day and special occasion parties for her in my home.I'll never forget what my daughter and I did for her son 2 years ago and to this day I'm not sure exactly why we did it (My daughter and I will NEVER do it again though and he knows this!)...maybe we both hoped that with the impact and severity of the of the situation that perhaps it would finally be the turning point for him.This is what happened,he was coming home drunk daily for quite a while because he was actually drinking with his buddies at work at the end of the work day.One day he didn't quite make it home,he ran into a tree when turning onto our road and this happened less than 3 blocks from our home.he came stumbling and staggering through the front door mumbling something about that he needed to get in touch with the insurance company and we both were like WHAT! He then swayed and stumbled his way out the back door,we followed
being curious about what he was doing.He fell down several times and got up and continue to make his way to the shed outside and after some clanging and banging in there he emerged with some chains and a come a long.At that point we were like what is going on and what are you doing??,it was also at that point we realized his forehead was bleeding profusely.He told us that he had had a little fender bender and was going to go get his car (Which was a beautiful brand new dodge charger) and bring it home and then call insurance.By this point we could hear sirens close by,so my daughter and I ran to the end of the driveway and looked down the road.Our road was blocked off by ambulances,police and fire trucks galore. We knew this was bad at that point and we told him that he could not go to his car and that we had better hide him because he was going to jail if he returned to his car.Not long after we hid him the police knocked on the door with his wallet in their possession which they handed to me and told me his car had hit a tree down the road and that they knew alcohol was involved because there was a strong drink in the cup holder driver side.They asked us if we knew where he was and we told him we did not and they asked if they could come in and have a look around and we said of course.They searched the house pretty good,looked under beds and in closets and then asked us once again "Where is he?" We stayed steadfast that we had no idea where he was.They told us that they believed we were hiding him to protect him and explained to us that that was a serious crime and when they found him that they were going to arrest us too.Even though both of us were shaking in our shoes at that point we remained calm and steadfast.They told us that they were going to get a search warrant and that they would return,then they left.After they left my daughter and I called a close friend down the street from us explained what was going on and secretly moved him to their place.Then walked down the road to see our car that the roll back was then pulling out.I almost fainted when I saw it and my daughter grabbed me to steady me.He had run over the steel street sign (which lay flat on the ground) and crossed over a large ditch and hit a huge tree with great force and the car was barely recognizable. We then returned to our friends home down the road and I told them that we needed to try to sober him up the best we could and that he needed to be seen at a Hospital because he might have injuries that we don't know he has yet.Luckily he had no internal injuries and thank goodness it was a single car accident *gasp*. He quit drinking for only a couple of days after that horrific accident and the ONLY thing my daughter and I could leverage out of it was a promise from him that he would NEVER drink and drive again.He even knew it was a miracle he lived though such a horrible crash.His family was informed of everything and knew that we had put ourselves in jeopardy covering for him and they ran to his rescue and gave him money to cover the insurance deductibles and felt sorry for him.Then they said the police were just shaking you ladies down and bluffing you,I don't know why they even bothered you because it was a single car accident and the only person he hurt was himself,I can't believe they even wasted their time ..like it was NOTHING! Yes mother in laws words tore my heart out...At first when I approached her about it she seemed to be genuinely concerned and acted like she was on my side and I was and still am shocked she turned on me and bailed out and said the horrible things she said to me...After all she was beaten up bad almost on a daily basis for so many years by my husbands father,her husband ~ Who was a chronic alcoholic too!!! Sorry for such a long post but I needed to VENT and get something off my conscience.Thanks for listening. Kixster
being curious about what he was doing.He fell down several times and got up and continue to make his way to the shed outside and after some clanging and banging in there he emerged with some chains and a come a long.At that point we were like what is going on and what are you doing??,it was also at that point we realized his forehead was bleeding profusely.He told us that he had had a little fender bender and was going to go get his car (Which was a beautiful brand new dodge charger) and bring it home and then call insurance.By this point we could hear sirens close by,so my daughter and I ran to the end of the driveway and looked down the road.Our road was blocked off by ambulances,police and fire trucks galore. We knew this was bad at that point and we told him that he could not go to his car and that we had better hide him because he was going to jail if he returned to his car.Not long after we hid him the police knocked on the door with his wallet in their possession which they handed to me and told me his car had hit a tree down the road and that they knew alcohol was involved because there was a strong drink in the cup holder driver side.They asked us if we knew where he was and we told him we did not and they asked if they could come in and have a look around and we said of course.They searched the house pretty good,looked under beds and in closets and then asked us once again "Where is he?" We stayed steadfast that we had no idea where he was.They told us that they believed we were hiding him to protect him and explained to us that that was a serious crime and when they found him that they were going to arrest us too.Even though both of us were shaking in our shoes at that point we remained calm and steadfast.They told us that they were going to get a search warrant and that they would return,then they left.After they left my daughter and I called a close friend down the street from us explained what was going on and secretly moved him to their place.Then walked down the road to see our car that the roll back was then pulling out.I almost fainted when I saw it and my daughter grabbed me to steady me.He had run over the steel street sign (which lay flat on the ground) and crossed over a large ditch and hit a huge tree with great force and the car was barely recognizable. We then returned to our friends home down the road and I told them that we needed to try to sober him up the best we could and that he needed to be seen at a Hospital because he might have injuries that we don't know he has yet.Luckily he had no internal injuries and thank goodness it was a single car accident *gasp*. He quit drinking for only a couple of days after that horrific accident and the ONLY thing my daughter and I could leverage out of it was a promise from him that he would NEVER drink and drive again.He even knew it was a miracle he lived though such a horrible crash.His family was informed of everything and knew that we had put ourselves in jeopardy covering for him and they ran to his rescue and gave him money to cover the insurance deductibles and felt sorry for him.Then they said the police were just shaking you ladies down and bluffing you,I don't know why they even bothered you because it was a single car accident and the only person he hurt was himself,I can't believe they even wasted their time ..like it was NOTHING! Yes mother in laws words tore my heart out...At first when I approached her about it she seemed to be genuinely concerned and acted like she was on my side and I was and still am shocked she turned on me and bailed out and said the horrible things she said to me...After all she was beaten up bad almost on a daily basis for so many years by my husbands father,her husband ~ Who was a chronic alcoholic too!!! Sorry for such a long post but I needed to VENT and get something off my conscience.Thanks for listening. Kixster
I'm going through it with my wife at the moment. Don't mean to threadjack... she invited me to meet her for dinner after work. I arrived and she was gone. Found her in a bar ... you guessed it... sloshed. I left her there. WOW am I pissed. She lied and gaslit me for almost an hour via text where she was. I am considering divorce just for the lying, let alone the alcoholism. And I believe she is checking out rooms to rent without my knowledge. Some people just never learn.
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