checking in, husband has been in SL
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Join Date: Jun 2017
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checking in, husband has been in SL
Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there, even moms of pets. Today my AH and I were on the phone, and he was telling me how hard it is to live in sober living. He says he can't sleep well, and that he is always on the go (he drives 10 miles from there to our house to visit DS daily, then drives to meetings, some days the office too though he can work from home). He says the SL is depleting his overall ability to do life, and I get it, as far as 3 roommates in the same huge bedroom making sleep difficult, a few inches of refrigerator space to keep his stuff, etc.. He saw a man have a seizure and hit his head on concrete. He is seeing a lot of how alcohol has ruined people's lives.
He basically said we need to come to a decision about whether he can come back to our house. He's been in SL a month. Prior to that, he had two weeks at home right after a 20 day inpatient. In those two weeks, he destroyed his recovery and fought with me (verbally) while intoxicated. He did not sound like he had much left as far as our relationship, or at least that he needed time. He knows that I need time. He's done the above relapse garbage several times since intensive outpatient last summer. So it's been a year of back and forth. I had emergency gallbladder surgery two weeks ago, and of course when life gets rough like that it's possible for those in your life to step up to the plate, which thankfully he did. It gave me hope or a feeling of how things used to be. I know that was not everyday reality, though.
He said his parents will allow him to stay with them in order to help him leave SL. He also asked an old neighbor of ours who he saw at the store if he'd like to be roommates. No luck there, poor neighbor is at his sister's paying alimony/child support.
I don't know what I'm asking here, even. Just trying to get thoughts straight. My dad is on hospice. DS had testing done for ADD, depression, etc.. last week, and reading his teachers' forms, which said he was "far more sad than other students" and "unable to focus" over and over has really upset me. Thanks for listening.
He basically said we need to come to a decision about whether he can come back to our house. He's been in SL a month. Prior to that, he had two weeks at home right after a 20 day inpatient. In those two weeks, he destroyed his recovery and fought with me (verbally) while intoxicated. He did not sound like he had much left as far as our relationship, or at least that he needed time. He knows that I need time. He's done the above relapse garbage several times since intensive outpatient last summer. So it's been a year of back and forth. I had emergency gallbladder surgery two weeks ago, and of course when life gets rough like that it's possible for those in your life to step up to the plate, which thankfully he did. It gave me hope or a feeling of how things used to be. I know that was not everyday reality, though.
He said his parents will allow him to stay with them in order to help him leave SL. He also asked an old neighbor of ours who he saw at the store if he'd like to be roommates. No luck there, poor neighbor is at his sister's paying alimony/child support.
I don't know what I'm asking here, even. Just trying to get thoughts straight. My dad is on hospice. DS had testing done for ADD, depression, etc.. last week, and reading his teachers' forms, which said he was "far more sad than other students" and "unable to focus" over and over has really upset me. Thanks for listening.
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clarity......after reading your post, I hope that you find the "clarity"--pun intended...lol.... to put your own welfare as first priority. You need to have him home like you need a hole in the head, right now, in my opinion....
You have your dad and your son to worry about, already....you don't need a whiny adult pulling at your apron strings, also.
I know that you might think that I sound cold towards you husband....I don't mean to be mean toward him as a person, but I am soooo familiar with that kind of whining...when an alcoholic cannot face living life on life's terms....
In recovery, it is often their job to begin to grow up...as, often, their maturity has been thwarted by the alcoholism....The inflated sense of entitlement is sometimes called "King Baby Syndrome"....
I would say to him---"So, life is tough, eh? Well, look around you--life is tough for a lot of people"
At one time, my husband and I owned an Oxford House....a sober living house (you can google lit)….We rented the house to Oxford House...but, we didn't run it. I got to know the residents. The average stay was between 6months and 18 months. Very few got kicked/dropped out...as they were screened very carefully for motivation to stay sober. I didn't ever hear whining from them...as they always seemed so grateful to have this opportunity for sobriety....and, many of them had kids an a family.
Sounds like he is pushing your sympathy/guilt buttons very hard...and, maybe it is working..?....I sure hope not....
My suggestion....don't spend too much time listening to his complaints...just l et him know that you realize that l ife can get tough, sometimes, and that he should take these complaints to his sponsor and his AA group for support and guidance.....
Your own recovery is as important as his...and his recovery is his to deal with....
You have your dad and your son to worry about, already....you don't need a whiny adult pulling at your apron strings, also.
I know that you might think that I sound cold towards you husband....I don't mean to be mean toward him as a person, but I am soooo familiar with that kind of whining...when an alcoholic cannot face living life on life's terms....
In recovery, it is often their job to begin to grow up...as, often, their maturity has been thwarted by the alcoholism....The inflated sense of entitlement is sometimes called "King Baby Syndrome"....
I would say to him---"So, life is tough, eh? Well, look around you--life is tough for a lot of people"
At one time, my husband and I owned an Oxford House....a sober living house (you can google lit)….We rented the house to Oxford House...but, we didn't run it. I got to know the residents. The average stay was between 6months and 18 months. Very few got kicked/dropped out...as they were screened very carefully for motivation to stay sober. I didn't ever hear whining from them...as they always seemed so grateful to have this opportunity for sobriety....and, many of them had kids an a family.
Sounds like he is pushing your sympathy/guilt buttons very hard...and, maybe it is working..?....I sure hope not....
My suggestion....don't spend too much time listening to his complaints...just l et him know that you realize that l ife can get tough, sometimes, and that he should take these complaints to his sponsor and his AA group for support and guidance.....
Your own recovery is as important as his...and his recovery is his to deal with....
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Nashville, Tennessee
Posts: 348
Clarity.
My son just got of treatment about 45 days ago. We have allowed him to stay here with us. I'm not sure it was the right thing to do. He had an opportunity to go to sober living, but he had a 17-year-old daughter who was virtually homeless and we allowed both of them to stay here with us. It's hard. Of course, all of our situations are different. I've been sober for 21 years and I had to work through a lot of tough situations I had created. I don't know that I would have gotten sober if I'd had a soft landing. Good luck to you. Even though my son's here in a cozy safe environment, he's still not sleeping.
My son just got of treatment about 45 days ago. We have allowed him to stay here with us. I'm not sure it was the right thing to do. He had an opportunity to go to sober living, but he had a 17-year-old daughter who was virtually homeless and we allowed both of them to stay here with us. It's hard. Of course, all of our situations are different. I've been sober for 21 years and I had to work through a lot of tough situations I had created. I don't know that I would have gotten sober if I'd had a soft landing. Good luck to you. Even though my son's here in a cozy safe environment, he's still not sleeping.
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Originally Posted by clarity888 
I don't know what I'm asking here, even. Just trying to get thoughts straight. My dad is on hospice. DS had testing done for ADD, depression, etc.. last week, and reading his teachers' forms, which said he was "far more sad than other students" and "unable to focus" over and over has really upset me. Thanks for listening.
How is your AH? What's his mood in general, how is he relating to your Son right now? Based on what's going on with him, maybe you could alleviate some of his responsibilities by limiting contact with your Son. Does he need to see him daily? Is he contributing to your Son's well-being? Somehow it doesn't seem like it. Maybe a twice weekly visit would suffice? Where is he seeing him every day, at your house?
I can't imagine that someone who has been sober for a month is that much fun to be around.
Driving to see your Son every day (doesn't need to do that), driving in to the office (he works from home!), driving to meetings. Does all of this sound like problems that are made up? It does to me.
As for him wanting to leave SL - I would leave that entirely up to him. He's going to make whatever choice he is going to make, regardless of how it affects anyone else. The only thing to consider is your boundary (and sanity!).
Nothing has really changed for you. You have your boundary of him not being around if he is going to continue to drink. Where he goes for his "recovery" is surely up to him as long as it doesn't involve you and your house? He hasn't recovered in a month, that's a fact.
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he drives 10 miles from there to our house to visit DS daily, then drives to meetings, some days the office too though he can work from home).
oh boo hoo. i drive 25 miles EACH WAY to go to work every day.
he's griping about a 10 mile drive to see his kid???? and roommates? and because of these inhumane conditions he needs to come home.
He said his parents will allow him to stay with them in order to help him leave SL.
so he has options.....your home is not his only option.
My dad is on hospice. DS had testing done for ADD, depression, etc.. last week, and reading his teachers' forms, which said he was "far more sad than other students" and "unable to focus" over and over has really upset me.
^^^THIS is where your focus needs to be. two people who cannot fend for themselves. especially your son.....he needs safety, stability, regular schedule. he is in crisis. he needs a fulltime dedicated parent who can help him navigate and heal. not some grown up griping about fridge space..........
oh boo hoo. i drive 25 miles EACH WAY to go to work every day.
he's griping about a 10 mile drive to see his kid???? and roommates? and because of these inhumane conditions he needs to come home.
He said his parents will allow him to stay with them in order to help him leave SL.
so he has options.....your home is not his only option.
My dad is on hospice. DS had testing done for ADD, depression, etc.. last week, and reading his teachers' forms, which said he was "far more sad than other students" and "unable to focus" over and over has really upset me.
^^^THIS is where your focus needs to be. two people who cannot fend for themselves. especially your son.....he needs safety, stability, regular schedule. he is in crisis. he needs a fulltime dedicated parent who can help him navigate and heal. not some grown up griping about fridge space..........
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
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He basically said we need to come to a decision about whether he can come back to our house.
He's complaining about roommates and refrigerator space and meanwhile you have a dad in hospice and a son who needs your help. At the moment, it appears that SL hasn't kicked him out, and he has his parents if he gets kicked out/leaves, so it doesn't appear that you have to do much of anything.
Don't overestimate the emotional energy it will take to have him come back to the house. It's not fair to you, and frankly, it's not fair to him if he's expects you to cater to him at the same level that you've done before. And frankly, with all you have on your plate, he's asking you NOW if he can move back in? I'm pretty amazed at the gall of this guy, although not surprised.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,545
Is that a duck I hear?
I drive 42 miles a day to commute. Will living with his parents be closer to his son or his job?
He has trouble sleeping? Poor guy. So do I. Buying my second set of sleep headphones, soon, as I've worn the last pair out listening to the radio while I try to fall to sleep.
Only a few inches of space in the fridge; Welcome to the world of room mates.
Two of my former colleagues spent months in sober living. I thought that was standard. You've got a sad child and a Dad in hospice. You don't need another child to look after.
I drive 42 miles a day to commute. Will living with his parents be closer to his son or his job?
He has trouble sleeping? Poor guy. So do I. Buying my second set of sleep headphones, soon, as I've worn the last pair out listening to the radio while I try to fall to sleep.
Only a few inches of space in the fridge; Welcome to the world of room mates.
Two of my former colleagues spent months in sober living. I thought that was standard. You've got a sad child and a Dad in hospice. You don't need another child to look after.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
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I am so glad I posted this. I always read and re-read the responses to get things through my thick skull. You are right Trailmix; he can reduce his responsibilities by not seeing DS every single day. I do think AH contributes to DS's well being, they are very close and AH has been a good father despite his many flaws related to alcohol. Moving with his parents-it would give some quiet, personal time, and keep him the same distance from us (he could work from home there more easily due to less noise in their house). But you are all right, he is learning new skills, and learning can be hard.
Dandylion, you're right that he can talk to AA friends about things, and that life is no picnic for me either. What you said about the grateful attitude of the SL residents you've met--today I didn't hear that from AH, today it was all complaints about living with other ppl, many of whom have mental illness. But other days he has seemed better, and more grateful. Today I don't feel okay with him coming back, thought it hurts to see him "in limbo", his words, but these are the consequences of his own actions. We will be in limbo for a long time, too. I asked him what he'd heard about "how long one should be in SL" to see if anyone told him that one year is a good idea. He said nobody talks to him about the amount of time--and he and I never agreed to a set amount.
Anvil, thanks for the laugh about the "inhumane circumstances" he is under. You are of course right that DS has had one giant crisis of a year. Oddly, when I told AH what the teachers wrote about DS's mood swings and sadness, he said "I'm not that worried, I was like that as a kid". Whatever. I have gone to weekly counseling with a family therapist who has been a huge help for DS and I, and got us back on track (DS was choking himself, leaving red marks, when he got upset a school one day). DS has been much better and hasn't done anything like that again. I am preparing for whatever diagnosis or lack of one we get in the next week or so.
Velma and Puzzled, you are both right. The actual way we got on the subject of him moving back in was--I told him I may want to buy a different car that I saw, and was asking which of our two cars could be switched, since we share both cars. He said "well, I don't know, we haven't decided on if I'm coming back and I'm in limbo"...so I told him nevermind about the car, LOL. I just shut that convo down. My name is on one car, his is on the other, so if I want, I will just trade in "my" car. This is all related to a small boat that I bought, which he reiterated today "he wants nothing to do with a boat, they're a pain, etc.". That's fine, I guess we won't have a shared hobby there. But that's what the convo started as and then turned into.
Thanks as always for the support found here. I needed to hear all of that.
Dandylion, you're right that he can talk to AA friends about things, and that life is no picnic for me either. What you said about the grateful attitude of the SL residents you've met--today I didn't hear that from AH, today it was all complaints about living with other ppl, many of whom have mental illness. But other days he has seemed better, and more grateful. Today I don't feel okay with him coming back, thought it hurts to see him "in limbo", his words, but these are the consequences of his own actions. We will be in limbo for a long time, too. I asked him what he'd heard about "how long one should be in SL" to see if anyone told him that one year is a good idea. He said nobody talks to him about the amount of time--and he and I never agreed to a set amount.
Anvil, thanks for the laugh about the "inhumane circumstances" he is under. You are of course right that DS has had one giant crisis of a year. Oddly, when I told AH what the teachers wrote about DS's mood swings and sadness, he said "I'm not that worried, I was like that as a kid". Whatever. I have gone to weekly counseling with a family therapist who has been a huge help for DS and I, and got us back on track (DS was choking himself, leaving red marks, when he got upset a school one day). DS has been much better and hasn't done anything like that again. I am preparing for whatever diagnosis or lack of one we get in the next week or so.
Velma and Puzzled, you are both right. The actual way we got on the subject of him moving back in was--I told him I may want to buy a different car that I saw, and was asking which of our two cars could be switched, since we share both cars. He said "well, I don't know, we haven't decided on if I'm coming back and I'm in limbo"...so I told him nevermind about the car, LOL. I just shut that convo down. My name is on one car, his is on the other, so if I want, I will just trade in "my" car. This is all related to a small boat that I bought, which he reiterated today "he wants nothing to do with a boat, they're a pain, etc.". That's fine, I guess we won't have a shared hobby there. But that's what the convo started as and then turned into.
Thanks as always for the support found here. I needed to hear all of that.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Did he ever ask how you are doing by the way? How you are coping, how are you feeling?
There are some big huge waving red flags in that conversation.
And my reply would be and now you are an addict and you are living with room mates in a sober living facility.
His Son is in crisis and does he want to discuss the details etc, no, he just brushes it off and it's back to him. Does he ask about the therapy?
Again, back to him. No concern for your transport or your transporting of your children, just back to him.
This is a pretty good indication of exactly where he is at. He is no more feeling empathy for anyone than he did a month or two ago it would seem.
I know this is a guilt maker but honestly nothing has changed, just nothing? Guilt should be reserved for when you do something wrong, you haven't done anything wrong.
You on the other hand are doing well! I know you have a lot on your plate right now but you are showing your courage here clarity and doing what is right. So if nothing else stop for a few minutes and think about that and maybe do something nice for yourself today?
There are some big huge waving red flags in that conversation.
"I'm not that worried, I was like that as a kid".
His Son is in crisis and does he want to discuss the details etc, no, he just brushes it off and it's back to him. Does he ask about the therapy?
He said "well, I don't know, we haven't decided on if I'm coming back and I'm in limbo"
This is a pretty good indication of exactly where he is at. He is no more feeling empathy for anyone than he did a month or two ago it would seem.
I know this is a guilt maker but honestly nothing has changed, just nothing? Guilt should be reserved for when you do something wrong, you haven't done anything wrong.
You on the other hand are doing well! I know you have a lot on your plate right now but you are showing your courage here clarity and doing what is right. So if nothing else stop for a few minutes and think about that and maybe do something nice for yourself today?
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