How to make it through your first "symbolic" days or holidays?
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Join Date: Apr 2019
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How to make it through your first "symbolic" days or holidays?
I'm still fairly new here but proudly at the 2 week mark of NC with my AXGF, after 5 years of quite a traumatic bonding relationship. I managed to grab enough courage to leave with nothing, picked up an extra job & found a cheap room in a house to live all within a wk. I'm still processing things... have good/bad days... sad, but coping & taking positive baby steps forward.
Well, today I hit a rough patch & I need some support. I thought I was having a good day... beautiful weather... I awoke early, went for a long walk to work & then, a notification popped up on my cell reminding me that her birthday is a few days away. I literally had a panic attack & a whirlwind of both love & sadness hit me right in the face.
Yeah, it's just a birthday. But not to me. I'm a gift-giver, especially for people I love. And I loved her big time. From her birthday to our tiny anniversaries, I'd book a hotel suite or clean the house... pick up a dozen red roses or more, turn on her favorite jazz... cook her favorite meal... and spend hours writing a letter from my heart. We'd dance together, watch tv... laugh. Those days were some of our favorite times together & we rarely fought on those nights.
It's literally eating me alive... thinking that I would ignore her birthday. And I know she'd know that I purposely didn't reach out. Yes, maybe that's important in both our recoveries but I need some help! How did everyone out there survive your first big "symbolic" days without your alcoholic/addict ex, partner, family member, etc.? Did you reach out if you were in NC?
I'm definitely having a moment...
Well, today I hit a rough patch & I need some support. I thought I was having a good day... beautiful weather... I awoke early, went for a long walk to work & then, a notification popped up on my cell reminding me that her birthday is a few days away. I literally had a panic attack & a whirlwind of both love & sadness hit me right in the face.
Yeah, it's just a birthday. But not to me. I'm a gift-giver, especially for people I love. And I loved her big time. From her birthday to our tiny anniversaries, I'd book a hotel suite or clean the house... pick up a dozen red roses or more, turn on her favorite jazz... cook her favorite meal... and spend hours writing a letter from my heart. We'd dance together, watch tv... laugh. Those days were some of our favorite times together & we rarely fought on those nights.
It's literally eating me alive... thinking that I would ignore her birthday. And I know she'd know that I purposely didn't reach out. Yes, maybe that's important in both our recoveries but I need some help! How did everyone out there survive your first big "symbolic" days without your alcoholic/addict ex, partner, family member, etc.? Did you reach out if you were in NC?
I'm definitely having a moment...
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Congratulations on the 2 weeks! You do sound like you are making real progress by the way.
I was the celebrate gift giver too, not so much anymore.
But anyway! Xmas was really the only one I struggled with, after that as I cared less and less - well it wasn't an issue. I was still in contact at that point, guess I probably said Merry Xmas, I can't really remember.
So I watched a marathon on tv, as well as playing computer games etc, ie: I didn't celebrate the holiday at all, the onus you put on any given day is yours alone.
Had I been in NC, if we were not on "friendly" terms at the time, I absolutely would not have contacted him. NC is NC, yes she will know you ignored her birthday but you have ended the relationship, so it shouldn't be a surprise. I don't know if I ever mentioned to you that I did eventually go NC - emailed said, I think we need to stop speaking for a while and that was that. I never contacted him again and he never contacted me.
I wonder if you realize what you wrote just now, after describing the planning of a birthday:
"Those days were some of our favorite times together & we rarely fought on those nights"
Anytime you have to end a sentence with "and we rarely fought on those nights", that's a huge red flag. And this is on what is supposed to be a happy day that you planned great things for.
Were the "good" times even that great or were you just trying to cheer her up by organizing all that - which apparently sometimes failed.
I was the celebrate gift giver too, not so much anymore.
But anyway! Xmas was really the only one I struggled with, after that as I cared less and less - well it wasn't an issue. I was still in contact at that point, guess I probably said Merry Xmas, I can't really remember.
So I watched a marathon on tv, as well as playing computer games etc, ie: I didn't celebrate the holiday at all, the onus you put on any given day is yours alone.
Had I been in NC, if we were not on "friendly" terms at the time, I absolutely would not have contacted him. NC is NC, yes she will know you ignored her birthday but you have ended the relationship, so it shouldn't be a surprise. I don't know if I ever mentioned to you that I did eventually go NC - emailed said, I think we need to stop speaking for a while and that was that. I never contacted him again and he never contacted me.
I wonder if you realize what you wrote just now, after describing the planning of a birthday:
"Those days were some of our favorite times together & we rarely fought on those nights"
Anytime you have to end a sentence with "and we rarely fought on those nights", that's a huge red flag. And this is on what is supposed to be a happy day that you planned great things for.
Were the "good" times even that great or were you just trying to cheer her up by organizing all that - which apparently sometimes failed.
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Join Date: Apr 2019
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Oh trailmix, you always seem to explain things back to me with such insight.
I'm not sure why I wrote: "Those days were some of our favorite times together & we rarely fought on those nights." I guess maybe I was fooling myself at the time? Guess I'm still in that mindset to some degree?
Yet another aspect of my life/personality that I need to break down in more depth...
It helps writing things out & hearing an honest response back. You're right, I did break up with her & want to continue w/ absolutely NC.
Yeah... I can't contact her. It would bring me right back in... & I know she'd respond, asking to meet up & "talk." NOPE. I certainly don't have the strength or will power to do that.
Maybe I'll take 30 min on her birthday & just reflect...
Funny thing is... I never cared about holidays or any day in particular until I met her. Perhaps these milestones gave me a false sense that things "could" work out. Maybe it was my own made up fantasy... to create moments of beauty amongst the hell we were both living in. At times, even at this moment... I almost don't want to see things more clearly... cause it's looking right back at me! lol No, I honestly DO want to see things clearly!
Dysfunctional & addictive "first loves" are hard to break free from. Plus I'm experiencing everything for the first time. Including my recovery.
I'm not sure why I wrote: "Those days were some of our favorite times together & we rarely fought on those nights." I guess maybe I was fooling myself at the time? Guess I'm still in that mindset to some degree?
Yet another aspect of my life/personality that I need to break down in more depth...
It helps writing things out & hearing an honest response back. You're right, I did break up with her & want to continue w/ absolutely NC.
Yeah... I can't contact her. It would bring me right back in... & I know she'd respond, asking to meet up & "talk." NOPE. I certainly don't have the strength or will power to do that.
Maybe I'll take 30 min on her birthday & just reflect...
Funny thing is... I never cared about holidays or any day in particular until I met her. Perhaps these milestones gave me a false sense that things "could" work out. Maybe it was my own made up fantasy... to create moments of beauty amongst the hell we were both living in.
At times, even at this moment... I almost don't want to see things more clearly... cause it's looking right back at me! lol No, I honestly DO want to see things clearly!Dysfunctional & addictive "first loves" are hard to break free from. Plus I'm experiencing everything for the first time. Including my recovery.
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lifeChange….my way of getting through those "important days"...was, to spend the majority of the day around other people.....and, to try to engage with those people as much as possible. This helped to get through the majority of hours of the 24. Naturally, there were moments of rememberance , and some tears shed....but, on a scale of, say, 1 to 10---it was kept at 5 or less.....It allowed me to survive that day. A victory.
I am in agreement, that those first symbolic holidays were able to bring the grieving emotions into high tide...but, after t he first round of annual holidays..the intensity dropped off, dramatically. There is something about passing the one years mark...after traumatic breakup....
It is like a passing from "present time" into "past history"......One remembers being in pain...but, can, no longer, actually FEEL the actual pain.
Sort of like...if you ever had a compound fracture of your arm...of course, you will always remember the time that you broke your arm....but, you cannot actually experience the pain....
I think, that after enough time passes...that first years of time...it is like the "new growth" of your life takes over...and, you live in that new growth, more and more....
I think it is analogous to the following: Imagine that a brush fire has burned a section of a hillside...leaving it blackened and scorched to the eye...then, if you pas by that blackened place, in a few weeks, there are the tiniest sprigs of pale green appearing... fragile evidence of fresh vegetation...When you pass by, at 6months..the new life has made the blackened areas more obscure....and, at one year....one has to strain the eye to find evidence of the horrid event that had, once, taken place.....
My advice...make plans for those important days...be around people in some way....or, even take a short trip, if you can....
I am in agreement, that those first symbolic holidays were able to bring the grieving emotions into high tide...but, after t he first round of annual holidays..the intensity dropped off, dramatically. There is something about passing the one years mark...after traumatic breakup....
It is like a passing from "present time" into "past history"......One remembers being in pain...but, can, no longer, actually FEEL the actual pain.
Sort of like...if you ever had a compound fracture of your arm...of course, you will always remember the time that you broke your arm....but, you cannot actually experience the pain....
I think, that after enough time passes...that first years of time...it is like the "new growth" of your life takes over...and, you live in that new growth, more and more....
I think it is analogous to the following: Imagine that a brush fire has burned a section of a hillside...leaving it blackened and scorched to the eye...then, if you pas by that blackened place, in a few weeks, there are the tiniest sprigs of pale green appearing... fragile evidence of fresh vegetation...When you pass by, at 6months..the new life has made the blackened areas more obscure....and, at one year....one has to strain the eye to find evidence of the horrid event that had, once, taken place.....
My advice...make plans for those important days...be around people in some way....or, even take a short trip, if you can....
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How did everyone out there survive your first big "symbolic" days without your alcoholic/addict ex, partner, family member, etc.? Did you reach out if you were in NC?
i didnt let my thoughts control my actions. yup-there were some good memories but the bad ones outweighed them. contact would have started a dream that turned into a nightmare real quick.
i didnt let my thoughts control my actions. yup-there were some good memories but the bad ones outweighed them. contact would have started a dream that turned into a nightmare real quick.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Nashville, Tennessee
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LifeChange.
Your name says it all, life change. Change is hard.
I was also in a five year relationship with a man with whom I was obsessed. It's been 28 years since our breakup. Although I've been married to a sober, wonderful man for 19 years, every year on "his" birthday, I remember. The difference is the "birth date" is not painful anymore, and has not been for many, many years. The back and forth during that five years was like dancing with the devil. Have you thought about if you contacted her how she would perceive it? You've changed, but has she? One thing my sponsor worked with me on in the beginning of my recovery was telling me over and over that other people, places, and things were none of my business. I got quite upset with her quite often, but I understand now why she repeatedly reminded me of that. It was the importance of keeping the focus on me and my recovery.
Do I remember the pain from the early breakup? Hell, yes, I do. I never, ever will do that to myself again. It was really really bad. I thought I was going to die from the pain, and I almost killed myself with neglect.
I've been sober myself for 21 years and that relationship was a huge part of my recovery. By the grace of God, I was able to examine my thoughts, feelings, actions, and reactions, and by doing so I reclaimed my dignity, self-respect, and my desire to live a clean, healthy life. Five years in the trenches was long enough for me.
No contact for two weeks is a huge deal. Hang in there.
Your name says it all, life change. Change is hard.
I was also in a five year relationship with a man with whom I was obsessed. It's been 28 years since our breakup. Although I've been married to a sober, wonderful man for 19 years, every year on "his" birthday, I remember. The difference is the "birth date" is not painful anymore, and has not been for many, many years. The back and forth during that five years was like dancing with the devil. Have you thought about if you contacted her how she would perceive it? You've changed, but has she? One thing my sponsor worked with me on in the beginning of my recovery was telling me over and over that other people, places, and things were none of my business. I got quite upset with her quite often, but I understand now why she repeatedly reminded me of that. It was the importance of keeping the focus on me and my recovery.
Do I remember the pain from the early breakup? Hell, yes, I do. I never, ever will do that to myself again. It was really really bad. I thought I was going to die from the pain, and I almost killed myself with neglect.
I've been sober myself for 21 years and that relationship was a huge part of my recovery. By the grace of God, I was able to examine my thoughts, feelings, actions, and reactions, and by doing so I reclaimed my dignity, self-respect, and my desire to live a clean, healthy life. Five years in the trenches was long enough for me.
No contact for two weeks is a huge deal. Hang in there.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
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During big transitions it always serves me to do completely new things. New menus, new places, new activities, new traditions. Big or small - whatever you can handle at your personal level of recovery right now. If it incorporates some element of self-care as well then, bonus! (i.e. - I see a massage in my Mother's Day future.... lol)
I find the best way to break old patterns is to start new ones whenever possible.
I find the best way to break old patterns is to start new ones whenever possible.
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Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 54
I know where you are coming from. Special occasions and holidays are difficult. Mother's day is going to be a real heartache here. First off, because my son lives states away (he's in his 20s). Secondly, because my ex's 3 girls aren't going to be around, and they were like the daughters I never had. Lastly, because it is our freakin anniversary, lol. And I'll be spending it all alone. Everyone I know is busy that day with their own children/families and my own mother and I aren't on speaking terms (lot of drama, and I have enough of that in my life!) so my guess is I'll be wallowing in self-pity with no desire to leave the house. Just watching the clock until it's bedtime and the day turns into Monday.
Seeing as you have NC, I probably wouldn't reach out to her. You seem like a really nice person and I can already tell you feel guilty for not wishing her a happy birthday, but you need to ask yourself what good will come of it. Will it weaken you? Will it let her think you want to give it another try?
I know all of this is easier said than done, however. Just my thoughts on the situation...
Seeing as you have NC, I probably wouldn't reach out to her. You seem like a really nice person and I can already tell you feel guilty for not wishing her a happy birthday, but you need to ask yourself what good will come of it. Will it weaken you? Will it let her think you want to give it another try?
I know all of this is easier said than done, however. Just my thoughts on the situation...
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Join Date: Aug 2014
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LCN,
We all feel your pain. You are doing great with the n/c, keep it up. She might expect you to reach out on her birthday, so stay strong!!!
Maybe you could go buy a gift for homeless person, or do an act of kindness for someone with the money. There are so many people in need and this would make you feel like you are making a difference in someone else's life. (how many bouquets of flowers do we all really need anyway)
Take your lemons and make lemonade my friend!!! Good luck
We all feel your pain. You are doing great with the n/c, keep it up. She might expect you to reach out on her birthday, so stay strong!!!
Maybe you could go buy a gift for homeless person, or do an act of kindness for someone with the money. There are so many people in need and this would make you feel like you are making a difference in someone else's life. (how many bouquets of flowers do we all really need anyway)
Take your lemons and make lemonade my friend!!! Good luck
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,614
Originally Posted by maia1234 
LCN,
We all feel your pain. You are doing great with the n/c, keep it up. She might expect you to reach out on her birthday, so stay strong!!!
Maybe you could go buy a gift for homeless person, or do an act of kindness for someone with the money. There are so many people in need and this would make you feel like you are making a difference in someone else's life. (how many bouquets of flowers do we all really need anyway)
Take your lemons and make lemonade my friend!!! Good luck
We all feel your pain. You are doing great with the n/c, keep it up. She might expect you to reach out on her birthday, so stay strong!!!
Maybe you could go buy a gift for homeless person, or do an act of kindness for someone with the money. There are so many people in need and this would make you feel like you are making a difference in someone else's life. (how many bouquets of flowers do we all really need anyway)
Take your lemons and make lemonade my friend!!! Good luck
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Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 395
trailmix, dandylion, tomsteve, djlook, FireSprite, Katerina1072, & maia1234: THANK YOU! wow, I didn't expect to be tearing up from your responses... enough so that I completely forgot about what I posted about in the first place! ha
Gotta say, there is such an amazing feeling brought on by being here. It's like everyone understands exactly what you're going through... & it's so deep.
maia1234: I love that idea so much! Ironically my ex always helped homeless people - it meant a lot to her. I think she could relate, obviously the addiction aspect initially evoked some empathetic actions. Of course she had no boundaries & brought a homeless man (who she always saw) into her family home (before I met her)... offered him her basement to live, a shower, clean clothes... she brought him to a dentist for implant/replacement surgery (he had lost most of his teeth from drug addiction sadly so could never better himself) & found him a job. I eventually met the man before he passed away last year. He was forever grateful. So I think the idea of helping someone or volunteering my time would make for a life-changing way of giving back/honoring the day. Thank you for the suggestion.
All your suggestions have helped. I'm not going to contact her. And instead, will continue on my path to better myself & others. I'll definitely do something for someone else in need.
I feel a lot better today. Side note: I've been watching Nurse Jackie. I'm sure that show has been brought up a lot in past years here. I've watched it many times. The first time, I was living with my ex & liked Jackie... I saw her faults but excused them. Now, I just see her faults/lies & the addiction oh so clearly. I feel the most empathy for her children & husband. It's interesting how things change over time. Hmmm....
Gotta say, there is such an amazing feeling brought on by being here. It's like everyone understands exactly what you're going through... & it's so deep.
maia1234: I love that idea so much! Ironically my ex always helped homeless people - it meant a lot to her. I think she could relate, obviously the addiction aspect initially evoked some empathetic actions. Of course she had no boundaries & brought a homeless man (who she always saw) into her family home (before I met her)... offered him her basement to live, a shower, clean clothes... she brought him to a dentist for implant/replacement surgery (he had lost most of his teeth from drug addiction sadly so could never better himself) & found him a job. I eventually met the man before he passed away last year. He was forever grateful. So I think the idea of helping someone or volunteering my time would make for a life-changing way of giving back/honoring the day. Thank you for the suggestion.
All your suggestions have helped. I'm not going to contact her. And instead, will continue on my path to better myself & others. I'll definitely do something for someone else in need.
I feel a lot better today. Side note: I've been watching Nurse Jackie. I'm sure that show has been brought up a lot in past years here. I've watched it many times. The first time, I was living with my ex & liked Jackie... I saw her faults but excused them. Now, I just see her faults/lies & the addiction oh so clearly. I feel the most empathy for her children & husband. It's interesting how things change over time. Hmmm....
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I know that things changed for me when I stopped viewing the relationship ending as anything symbolic. I used to think once I make it through the first week, the first holiday, the first anniversary etc. etc. that THEN my life would be able to move forward. I was too busy keeping track of those symbolic things that I was missing out on my life, while awaiting for my life to happen after the first week, first month, first holiday, first anniversary etc. etc. I had to get busy living it instead of thinking about when I could.
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Just thought I'd write a brief update... today wasn't easy... because it was my ex's birthday & she did pop into my head a lot more. But I know with time, this will get better.
Good news: I've remained strong with having NC & 2 great things happened today:
went to a new therapist (he was very warm/easy to talk to) & went to an interview for a new job (first time in years!). Both went well and the focus was thankfully on me & my goals.
I'm getting better... even on emotional days like today.
Good news: I've remained strong with having NC & 2 great things happened today:
went to a new therapist (he was very warm/easy to talk to) & went to an interview for a new job (first time in years!). Both went well and the focus was thankfully on me & my goals.
I'm getting better... even on emotional days like today.
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Thank you so much for the encouragement!
I was a little nervous/rusty at the interview but it went well -- & hey, I'm quite proud that I did it... regardless of whether I get the position or not.
Phew. Pretty good considering for the past 5 years, I ignored...declined or cancelled new job opps because I (felt I) had to care for my AXGF! I was simply too overwhelmed to better myself. Unbelievable... when I look back!!! I'm sure many on here can relate. Taking care of an alcoholic is a full-time, 24/7 job... the most stressful, unforgiving, heartbreaking job on the planet.
But now with every step, I'm re-learning what it's like to embrace courage & love myself again.
(Let me just add, I feel quite vulnerable saying all this as a guy. I guess because I feel like I shouldn't even doubt myself or my career/passions as man. Maybe that's stupid but it's how I feel & wow, do I put pressure on myself! But even men can completely loose themselves in toxic people & relationships. Addiction affects everyone!)
Much love...
I was a little nervous/rusty at the interview but it went well -- & hey, I'm quite proud that I did it... regardless of whether I get the position or not.
Phew. Pretty good considering for the past 5 years, I ignored...declined or cancelled new job opps because I (felt I) had to care for my AXGF! I was simply too overwhelmed to better myself. Unbelievable... when I look back!!! I'm sure many on here can relate. Taking care of an alcoholic is a full-time, 24/7 job... the most stressful, unforgiving, heartbreaking job on the planet.
But now with every step, I'm re-learning what it's like to embrace courage & love myself again.
(Let me just add, I feel quite vulnerable saying all this as a guy. I guess because I feel like I shouldn't even doubt myself or my career/passions as man. Maybe that's stupid but it's how I feel & wow, do I put pressure on myself! But even men can completely loose themselves in toxic people & relationships. Addiction affects everyone!)
Much love...
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LifeChange…..I understand what you are saying....about feeling vulnerable when straying from the stereotyped messages that males are fed, from the cradle.....They are as unrealistic as the pack of lies that females are fed, from the cradle about what it means to be a woman...how a woman is supposed to act....
It can feel a bit scary to diverge...even a little...from what one has been taught, for all of one's life.....
It can feel a bit scary to diverge...even a little...from what one has been taught, for all of one's life.....
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Well done on getting the interview, those are kind of a big deal for everyone and you got through it in one piece!
So even though you are going through this trying time, you put yourself out there, that's real courage NYC.
How are you feeling now, day to day? Stronger?
So even though you are going through this trying time, you put yourself out there, that's real courage NYC.
How are you feeling now, day to day? Stronger?
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@trailmix: thanks, will embrace all the encouragement I can get!
I am feeling stronger but tonight my emotions are getting the better of me. I must admit, I'm finally crying tonight. I haven't cried much because I'm trying to hold myself together from total emotional collapse -- but like everyone here has posted at one point or another, grieving is key to healing.
Every minute or hour I do seem to feel different emotions... or so it seems. I certainly can't wait until all that stabilizes a bit.
The ironic thing about this entire experience is how much I am now forced to look at myself, my mistakes, my need for work & healing. That's HARD. And so, I know, I'm crying not just over my past relationship (with my ex) but over the relationship with myself. For I lost a lot more (aspects within myself) than I ever imagined & I think that realization is so profound. Perhaps they aren't lost, just hidden under layers of pain that I slowly need to chip away.
I am feeling stronger but tonight my emotions are getting the better of me. I must admit, I'm finally crying tonight. I haven't cried much because I'm trying to hold myself together from total emotional collapse -- but like everyone here has posted at one point or another, grieving is key to healing.
Every minute or hour I do seem to feel different emotions... or so it seems. I certainly can't wait until all that stabilizes a bit.
The ironic thing about this entire experience is how much I am now forced to look at myself, my mistakes, my need for work & healing. That's HARD. And so, I know, I'm crying not just over my past relationship (with my ex) but over the relationship with myself. For I lost a lot more (aspects within myself) than I ever imagined & I think that realization is so profound. Perhaps they aren't lost, just hidden under layers of pain that I slowly need to chip away.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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So these are things you feel you "lost" while in the relationship?
I can understand that. Relationships (all of them) have the power to change our outlook (and in-look and yes, I just made up that term!).
The "true" you, the person of integrity, the person that doesn't allow people to treat him with less than healthy respect etc is absolutely still there, if that's what you mean. Perhaps a bit beat up and worn down, but you will bounce back faster than you think. That's part of the healing.
Remember that what you have just been through is nothing like a "normal" relationship so boundaries get blurred, you are always getting caught unaware, you walk on eggshells, you are putting out fires, it's a lot!!
Your emotions will stabilize a bit soon. You will find that the good or neutral times become greater than the emotional times.
I can understand that. Relationships (all of them) have the power to change our outlook (and in-look and yes, I just made up that term!).
The "true" you, the person of integrity, the person that doesn't allow people to treat him with less than healthy respect etc is absolutely still there, if that's what you mean. Perhaps a bit beat up and worn down, but you will bounce back faster than you think. That's part of the healing.
Remember that what you have just been through is nothing like a "normal" relationship so boundaries get blurred, you are always getting caught unaware, you walk on eggshells, you are putting out fires, it's a lot!!
Your emotions will stabilize a bit soon. You will find that the good or neutral times become greater than the emotional times.
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