I too am struggling
 

Hi Mercedes, sorry to hear about your situation. Welcome back and I hope you will start a thread of your own as well, you will probably get many more responses. People here are happy to help you answer your questions and provide support!

I am still lost
 

Hello Mercedes, and Welcome!

I'm so sorry you are struggling. I've moved your posts to their own thread. You will receive more responses than if your post remained on someone else's thread. I hope things are a bit brighter for you today. You aren't alone. We get it, and we're glad you're here.

Hi Mercedes
sorry to hear you are still struggling. I am still struggling too and it's been about 16 months since I moved out of my family home. My husband and I were together 18 years. I only intended to move out for a couple of weeks till he "got it" and sorted his drinking out.....

well life had it's own ideas.....he got a new woman pretty quickly and just after that I ended up in hospital for a major operation....he didn't come to visit and didn't even pick up the phone when my friend phoned him to say I was out of surgery. I felt terribly abandoned....

I could tell you a lot more, he has been awful but believe it or not I still miss him and hold onto some kind of hope that we will at least be friends in the end. Some days I regret leaving. Some days I know it was the right thing to do. Some days I am very lonely. I wonder too if he ever loved me.

I know that I love him and I cherish all the good times we had together. But I am slowly moving into a new life. It takes time and the more I learn to keep the focus on myself, the easier it becomes. I am learning to feel my feelings but not to let them overwhelm me. I keep myself busy and I am learning new ways of being in the world. It's a real challenge!!!!

I hope hearing a bit of my story helps you to feel less alone. I have read so many stories on this forum of people who have come through it and what I notice is that it takes time. And time is needed to really grieve and prepare yourself for the next part of your life.

And from what I read around here, the next bit always seems to be much better!!!

Don't be hard on yourself. Allow yourself the time you need but know, it will get easier.

Hi Mercedes and welcome. I think you are struggling and hurting because you care and because you love him. And you wanted the same back. I think it's totally normal to feel the way you feel and takes a lot of strength to go NC, especially because you worry about him. 15 years is a long time...it takes time to move on and start the healing process. Don't be too hard on yourself. Most of us here, I think, go through this. Punishing and minimizing ourselves.

I am still with AH but filed for divorce. I struggled with the decision for a couple years and finally did it. But I struggle every single day. He wants to try to work on reconciling and staying together but the memories of the lies and drinking rush through my head and I keep telling myself that he never really loved me. I was simply a convenient choice for him that offered stability.

I felt and feel used. My self-esteem is as low as it's ever been and now I can't even make the decision to go NC with him because, again I don't trust myself to make any decisions and feel sorry for him. Even decisions that are probably the best for me. But he has a hold on me like no one else. I can't offer much in advice because I am still in the throws of it so I can't really see that clearly right now. But I do know that most of us here at one point or another, and likely today, struggle with guilt and self-esteem issues.

Again, welcome.

Hi Mercedes. I'm sorry you are hurting so much.

Was your Husband an alcoholic when you met? If not he was obviously 15 years more sober than when you two parted.

Alcohol changes someone, mentally and physically, it actually changes a person's brain. It can be really hard to figure out what's going on with someone that is addicted to a substance that can change them so much.

Did he ever love you? Probably as much as an addict can love anyone. For an addict the drug will always come first and that includes alcohol.

What are you doing for yourself since he left? Have you checked out Al-Anon meetings, do you go to therapy or have any other support groups? You need to be really kind to yourself right now, try to eat well, get plenty of sleep.

Do you do anything just for yourself? Anything fun, do you have hobbies? Now would be a great time to build yourself up and really explore what you would like from your life.

I hope you will keep posting, lots of support here for you.

When you let go of the need to know "why" you will do some healing. You cannot look for a why from an addict, or even non addicts many times. Even they may not know why.

Put this focus on YOU, and get yourself the therapy and help you need to get yourself to a better place. Keep posting, you are not alone!

Sorry you are feeling sad and struggling, endings are hard. I think it’s a combination of feeling sorry for yourself, needing to know why and feeling low self-esteem that brings us all to the struggle of being able to move forward.

Alcoholism isn’t personal towards the people in the alcoholics life. He didn’t drink at you or because of you he drank because that’s what alcoholics do. It has nothing at all to do with you, not how you look, how you dress, how much money you make or what size house you live in, he drinks because that is what alcoholics do.

20 months after a 15 year marriage is not all that long to still be feeling pain, be patient with yourself and understand that healing can’t really begin for you until you accept that the marriage and that he isn’t coming back.

It’s supposed to get easier
 

Mercedes.....it is the weekend, now...Saturday night...and, it is usually pretty slow on this forum, at this time...But, you should get more responses, tomorrow at about mid-day...and, more, as the week, progresses....
I hear that you are in pain...and, it sounds like you are grieving...and, you sound very lonely, to me....
I know...words cannot fully describe what this kind of pain is like....especially, when it feels like there is no end, in sight...I know that it feels like your grieving is protracted...and, maybe it is...although each person passes through it at different rates and in different ways....
I note, in all of your past postings, how tenaciously you held on to hope.....even up till now. I do think that hope and not Fully accepting what has happened...that he didn't come back around...has kept you from fully going into the grieving process...
Acceptance is sooo hard..especially when that is the last thing you ever wanted to happen...when you always thought that it was the "worst case scenario"….
I know that you feel like his actions show that he never loved you and that he never cared...and, that makes it all a "lie", to you.
It is a fact---you can Never really know what a person feels, inside...you can only speculate, according to how YOU would act. But, you can be wrong, many times by this.
Some people are not good at showing their feelings or expressing them. In fact, alcoholics are not good with feelings...that is one reason why they drink-- to deal with feelings...both good and bad feelings....
One thing that you do know...YOUR feeling were and are real. That is a very important thing. You did not live a "lie". You lived real...even if you did not know how to protect yourself....or sacrificed too much in the relationship.

Hear this---You are still young...and, you have a lot of life to live...do not let the past rob you of your future....
I am thinking that you need to make some constructive steps for yourself, even in your current pain....make some new, even, baby steps forward...
I am thinking that you need a lot more human support...
Human connections are the most healing elements, in my opinion....
and, I think that any study of human psychology will support that view....
I don't know a lot of details about your life...day to day....
But, I know that you can heal.....
I hope that you continue to post, here....(we are sort of human connections, too...lol!).….

Ah Mercedes, I am so very very sorry you are going through this.

I remember the pain being so bad that I thought it would glow in the dark. I had so many hopes and dreams. I kept hoping that by leaving, he would come to his senses and come back to me but he didn't.

Please do everything you can to take care of yourself. Even just the little things: eat well, drink plenty of water, get some exercise. Of course if you can get to an Alanon group that may help too. Unfortunately there is nothing that will make the pain go away; it has to be endured for way way too long.

Big big hug to you brave lady!

You're not alone...
 

Felt the same way just recently. He wanted to come back but he's still drinking and I said no. He went right back to the enabling chick he's been seeing. Broke my heart... Again. I deserve better.. So do my kids. I always promised my EXAH that I would always support him to stay sober. I do not break my promises. Not that he'll ever sober up.. Not my circus anymore.

It's hard.. Breakups are painful anyway. Its a grieving process. It's more complex when you have to part due to an illness. Im guessing it must be like trying to grieve when there's no body. You can never really accept their death cos you've nothing to Bury. You can't get closure with an active alcoholic. They don't even know their former selves are gone.

Was thinking how, if my EXAH passes on soon at least the kids will have some memories of him... Except they won't... Cos he's Not him anymore. They're too little to remember the sober guy who was running and cycling and in racing events most weekends. He used to be so fit and walked with a bounce.. Man he rocked up this morning dressed like a homeless man, walking with the weight of the world on his shoulders.

Merecedes, I wish there was an easier way for you, but try to let go of taking his addiction personally. It is a whirlwind that wrapped up both of you in its wake. Whatever his actual feelings for you were, the addiction has overpowered them beyond comprehension. He is not capable of making logical, rational decisions about his life and relationships. It is not about something you did, or something you are.

People sometimes hate it when I say it has nothing to do with them, but I found this perspective very empowering. It allowed me to move on from my relationship with XABF, and especially to get over the fact that my own mother was an alcoholic who had no interest in having a meaningful relationship with her children. Once I accepted there was nothing that I could have done or said or BEEN to change that, I was able to take better care of myself, form better relationships, and maintain healthier boundaries. Once I stopped focusing on THEM and starting pouring all that love and attention on ME, life got immeasurably better.

For the many years I was with XAH, i cultivated hope- hope he would see the damage alcohol was doing to him and to me and the children, hope that the last time he verbally abused me would be the last time, hope that the good times were the only reality I would ever deal with, hope that I could trust him. Years of hoping becomes a habit- over and over again. Hard to break the habit that has always flown in the face of reality. It becomes your new "reality." Based on lies and deceptions.

Wow.. I think hope with an addict is so soul destroying. You do end up living in a pseudo reality of what if/would/should... I mean, if you had a crappy job you'd never stay just cos it was good once. You'd bounce right outta there.

We hope they get better cos better.. Is better. Better is life... Progression of the disease is death, incarceration or insanity. Sometimes the progression seems slow... Almost like the alcoholism has plateaued. In a way it must be easier when they spiral quickly. Then there's no doubt.

Mercedes, toward the end of 2015 my husband died. It was a sorrow and grief that hung on for dear life. It was a pain I did not think would ever stop.

So I became proactive and began grief counseling. It has helped enormously and continues to help me as I help my mother face her final cancer battle and my stepson now that his addiction has left him brain damaged and possibly heading toward long-term nursing care.

Counseling might not be something you've considered, but I've found it very helpful. It has certainly helped me to see the sunshine again!

Mercedes...how are you doing..? I hope you continue to read and post....

Hey Mercedes, You’re going to be okay; you might not think so right now, but you are and I know it. Me—and everyone who responded above—we know how you feel. Sometimes we still go to that place, but each time we go, we spend less time there and the hurt doesn’t last as long.

Finding the right counselor or therapist is what was key for me. I suffered for a long time with him and after he was gone. The horrible “why” question nearly did me in. I had no experience with any kind of addict and the therapist helped me to understand my own feelings and work through the grief. Like you, it’s hard to understand why an addict does what he does and we take it personally and try to help because that’s what good and loving people do. We loved them at one time, and maybe still in some moments we remember the really good times and how it felt when we believed they also loved us back.

Today, I still feel guilt from time to time that he’s living like a peasant and I’m clearly not, but then I remind myself that I didn’t make him live in that manner—he did it to himself. I didn’t make him do the things that he did to me, he did them himself. I didn’t make him tell the lies that cost him friends and relationships, he did that himself. He’s currently mired in a legal mess from his drinking and guess what? I could have never prevented that and I’m thankful that mess isn’t living with me and expecting me to pay for attorneys and support him through it.

It takes time and you probably feel like you don’t have a whole lot more of that to give. You do. You gave him 15 years of your life when you were married—so give yourself, a person who is also important, as much time as you need and as much time as it takes.