LifeChangeNYC

"in-look" love that!... @trailmix

Because this was my first relationship, I think my understanding of what's "normal" & what's not, is completely askew. I know, therapy will help but understanding what a healthy, loving relationship is will take some time.

Not exactly sure where to turn because I've never experienced one (aka: a healthy relationship) but I'm ready for one, even one with myself.

trailmix

Yes, I remember you mentioning that and thinking, well, that's trial by fire and it has got to create confusion.

I'm sure you already know to look out for kindness catching you up. After being in a relationship where you were not treated well, even if it's your 5th, it would be all too easy to slip in to another relationship where the person treats you even half decently, even more so since you haven't experienced a good relationship (yet!).

It's not supposed to be that hard and it's not supposed to be painful and you shouldn't have to change to be in it. Doesn't mean we all don't have to try to get along sometimes, that's part of of life, being considerate, but you seem like a very considerate person so I don't think that's going to be a challenge. Just know you deserve to be treated well and with respect.

You broke up with your g/f, you moved and you are applying for jobs and had an interview today. That's huge! Huge change in a very short period of time with a possible change of job incoming shortly.

You should be feeling really good about yourself.

Yes, therapy is a great starting point. I can't remember if you have already checked out Al-Anon or not? The principals of Al-Anon are good and maybe it is something you might want to check out. Doesn't mean you have to attend for years, of course, but couldn't hurt?

LifeChangeNYC

"It's not supposed to be that hard"... I remember thinking & feeling that all during the 5 years w/ my ex.

I started with a new therapist today & he was taking notes faster than I have ever seen to catch up with all the issues/topics I wanted to address over the next few sessions, etc. He did mention all that I've experienced isn't part of a "normal" loving partnership. I will start breaking things down more as I go along to look for patterns & what drew me into her in the first place.

I have attended Al-Anon over the years & I remember tearing up nearly at every meeting. I should definitely return. It really helped - although sometimes I found it difficult to even read the passages or talk. I suppose, that also gets easier with time. Maybe I'm still very emotional & raw with my feelings?

At my core, I'm a very enthusiastic, out going guy so it's interesting how I've begun to clam up. I think I am naturally protecting myself now. Maybe that's important? But I don't want to isolate or internalize too much.

It's all a balancing act. Moments ago I accepted a side gig photographing an event tomorrow night (I do that as well... photography) & used to love it! Stopped quite a bit over the years. Now it's hard for me but I'm encouraging myself to go out... be with/around people... feel the positivity & photograph everyone smiling/laughing. I truthfully don't want to attend, but I know it's important for my healing.

Changing jobs is the next big thing... for survival but also, that will symbolize complete NC since she still knows where I work. That gives me unnecessary anxiety sometimes.

Thanks again @trailmix - your kind words always sum things up for me.

trailmix

Oh, absolutely those feelings are still raw, that's very normal. The clamming up is normal too. Yes, that is a defense mechanism and you kind of need that right now, hard to put yourself out there too much when you are vulnerable. Even with that - you are aware of it and know you don't want to be in defense mode all the time. The fact that you are aware of all these things is another huge thing in your favour! Yes, it might take some work to get to the bottom of some things but being open about it and self-aware you are already half way there. Your new therapist (aka the scribbler) sounds good so far, at least he reassured you that none of that was normal, that's a good start.

I'm glad you accepted the photography thing tomorrow night. It can be hard to drag yourself out but also a great way to get out around people who are putting off a good energy (that sounds all airy fairy but you know what I mean), being around that can really lift your mood.

FallenAngelina

This is exactly when people drag themselves into AlAnon and exactly what AlAnon is for. There is no need for you to talk or share or even read right now - just getting yourself to meetings is everything. The changes come as you allow yourself to experience the process of the program. Just walking into a meeting (and then another and another,) sitting down, tearing up and having no idea what to do next - that is exactly where most of us start in AlAnon. The program is there for all of us who find that alcoholism is much too much for one person to bear. What you're experiencing right now does not have to be endured alone. We never have to "get it together" to attend a meeting. Meetings are where we allow ourselves to be real. Just be who you are, where you are - today. Just go and be real with other people who are doing the same.

Emotional rawness is not falling apart or losing it. Feeling our feelings is not losing control or coming undone or collapsing. All of those stupid expressions only serve to cut us off from valuable life guidance: how we feel. Right now is the time for you to experience your feelings. Alienation from our feelings is what fuels codependence to begin with, so standing squarely in how we feel right here, right now is a step toward health. Proudly feeling what we feel is an element of strength and vitality. There is no recovery, and certainly no good relationship ahead, without learning to set aside shame and stand proudly beside the truth of our own emotions.

LifeChangeNYC

I made it through a rough day yesterday & now feeling much better this morning! Thank you trailmix & FallenAngelina!