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Can't change someone's perception AH went out last night with friends. i have been confiding in one after he contacted me concerned about the change in AH, and i got a text from him this morning. Friend says according to AH, everything in his life is great, apart from his marriage- relationship with kids good, work good, doesn't drink too much. i cant change his perception, but i am feeling so incredibly angry. Blame has been squarely put at my feet over many years - he says i am depressed, have mental health issues, menopause (!!@#$!!!!!), having a swim session with friends every sunday am (i dont go now), working extra hours, taking up study. I may have been filling a void with study, but i currently love it and am not giving it up, and i am really careful to study when its not likely to impact others.. I can't change his perception- it's his, not mine. But by crikey it hurts so much. Being dragged back in to the self-blame cycle is incredibly hard to fswim against some days. Im clawing at the edges with my fingernails. |
I understand you. This is what I've been battling with - as the blame game has been placed on me 💯. My Alcoholic bf tells his friends I don't want him to have a "good time" or to even have friends he tells them he doesn't want to come home to me. He tell them and me that I have a chemical imbalance and that I'm crazy and negative. These things have made me hate myself and life and have made me crazy. The manipulation is so intense. I'm so sick with depression I don't even want to be around any of our mutual friends because of the things he has said about me because he refuses to acknowledge his drinking problem and communication problems - it's easier for him to place the blame on me - the nagging girlfriend who just wants a meaningful relationship with someone who cares about their health And wellbeing of our relationship. I just keep telling myself not to care what others think especially because these others are bar flys as well. I need to hold my own and continue to have confidence in the life I want to live and believe in myself and keep going after all the emotional hits I be taken. My anger most days is through the roof but I'm trying to utilize that anger to do the right thing. stay on course no matter what. !!! Xx |
you also can't change your AH's perception either. he owns it. he's allowed to own it. the one perception, the only one that really matters, is YOURS. what you think, what you feel, what you want. no one else gets to do that for you, no one else is responsible for you. you want to swim? then SWIM. you want to take a class? take the damn class! your old man wants to go out drinking and tout how much he is NOT drinking??? well there he goes. see what you see. know what you know. assume he will not change. ever. then figure out what you are willing to do about that. |
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
(Post 7179253)
you also can't change your AH's perception either. he owns it. he's allowed to own it. the one perception, the only one that really matters, is YOURS. what you think, what you feel, what you want. no one else gets to do that for you, no one else is responsible for you. you want to swim? then SWIM. you want to take a class? take the damn class! your old man wants to go out drinking and tout how much he is NOT drinking??? well there he goes. see what you see. know what you know. assume he will not change. ever. then figure out what you are willing to do about that. |
On the upside, back in January it was also the kids and the friends who were at fault:
Originally Posted by Wombaticus
(Post 7101596)
We recently discussed our worsening marriage. He blames me for making it 'implode' several years ago when I started working more and a few other things - all my fault. He blames his worsening relationships with his friends on them being 'hopeless'. He blames his poor relationship with his school-aged children on them. Sorry, it's just so ridiculous you know? His perception is skewed to be whatever serves his addiction at the time. Are his friends and the kids walking on eggshells just a little bit better right now? If so they get put on the "Good" page of the perception book. You actually living your life and - god forbid - possibly enjoying part of it instead of focusing on the tornado just doesn't sit well with him. It's pretty hard to show (or feel) love for someone that is so hostile. Alcohol is running his life, it's also running yours and your children's lives. Alcohol doesn't like to be ignored. Tough taskmaster. I am sorry you are stuck where you are Wombaticus, you deserve so much more. |
Trailmix, you are equal parts compassion and accountability. Thank you. Dont you change. I have now given myself a timeframe - until the end of the year. I know it seems like a long time, but there a few big things i need to get through, and get my finances in order. I will not be going into 2020 like this. i have some great things planned for next weekend. Im going to get on with my life. |
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