In need of some positivity
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 94
In need of some positivity
Could use some positivity or words of encouragement. Started moving my stuff out this weekend and AH has been making it very hard. He’s angry, hostile, and blaming me entirely for this.
I feel very low about myself right now and am struggling to keep my head above water and remember the reasons why I’m walking away.
I feel very low about myself right now and am struggling to keep my head above water and remember the reasons why I’m walking away.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,984
Hey Emma, congrats for taking this step although condolences may be more appropriate. You are doing one of the hardest things in the world to do. If there was an emotional Olympics those who leave these addicts would be winning all the gold medals. This is beyond hard.
Just focus on the next right step and stick close to Soberrecovery. I wish I could do more for you than just responding on the internet.
Big hug to you brave and beautiful one!!!
Just focus on the next right step and stick close to Soberrecovery. I wish I could do more for you than just responding on the internet.
Big hug to you brave and beautiful one!!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
of course he is! it can't be HIS fault.
but....he could be all weepy and sad and begging for one more chance....and you might fall for it and then have to do this all over again a few weeks/months down the road.
he could be helpful and cheerful, like a one man production line getting your stuff OUT........and then you might be wondering why he is SO dang eager to get you out.
my point is, he is going to react in SOME way....and each possibility would affect you. you just happen to get angry guy.
let him do him. you do you. try not to engage. act like you are on a word count for the day. say you get like 15 words.....all day....use them wisely!
but....he could be all weepy and sad and begging for one more chance....and you might fall for it and then have to do this all over again a few weeks/months down the road.
he could be helpful and cheerful, like a one man production line getting your stuff OUT........and then you might be wondering why he is SO dang eager to get you out.
my point is, he is going to react in SOME way....and each possibility would affect you. you just happen to get angry guy.
let him do him. you do you. try not to engage. act like you are on a word count for the day. say you get like 15 words.....all day....use them wisely!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 94
Thank you both.
I knew he would be like this, but it’s hard to listen to him spout off about how I don’t really love him, I don’t care about our marriage, I’m selfish for giving up, etc etc.
I’m trying my best to stay detached.
I knew he would be like this, but it’s hard to listen to him spout off about how I don’t really love him, I don’t care about our marriage, I’m selfish for giving up, etc etc.
I’m trying my best to stay detached.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
emma, I promise you that with some time and space away from him, your perspective will shift, and your confidence in your decision will skyrocket.
The fact is, you have given him chance after chance to allow your love into his life, and he has rejected them all in his actions. He blew this, not you. No matter what he says.
Give yourself a break from contact until you absolutely have to talk to him.
The fact is, you have given him chance after chance to allow your love into his life, and he has rejected them all in his actions. He blew this, not you. No matter what he says.
Give yourself a break from contact until you absolutely have to talk to him.
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 106
Word count is a good idea!! The less you say the more the impact especially with men since it seems their communication smarts are lacking. I literally just got into a confrontation with my guy this morning as he lied to me about something- I called him out on it - he continued to demand he was not lying and started to blame me for "wanting to fight ". , he eventually fessed up and admitted what he had done and then proceeded to blame me. I told him to stop blaming me for all his wrong doings - when I can't trust him / rely on him to keep his word then this relationship is not worth fighting for anymore and I don't want to live like this anymore! It's WORDS VS ACTIONS. And at some point the battle has to come to an END. That's what I told him. I know how hard this is for you. Your life is in your hands , hold onto your self worth and move forward like there's no time to waste. You will prevail!!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 395
emmab219: I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's such an intense, emotional & difficult process. It rips at your heart. Just went through it myself, 2 weeks ago... left my alcoholic girlfriend. I've had NC with her since then. But wow did she do her best to destroy me with hurtful words. Like you, I felt so low... & so badly needed support & positivity. That's exactly why I ended up on this forum. Everyone has helped me a lot. I will say that leaving does bring more & more clarity. That night I decided to grab only one bag & walk out. I knew I just couldn't wait around a second more or I would have caved in, & the endless cycle would have continued by the AM. Possessions mean nothing in comparison to your sanity & self-worth.
I'm still very sad but my anxiety & worry has definitely gotten better.
We are here for you emmab219. Don't let his words or voices in your head change the desired outcome you've worked so hard to figure out. In time everything feels better because you've made yourself the priority!
I'm still very sad but my anxiety & worry has definitely gotten better.
We are here for you emmab219. Don't let his words or voices in your head change the desired outcome you've worked so hard to figure out. In time everything feels better because you've made yourself the priority!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 415
Yes it is so hard! Hold onto some of that anger... you are taking yourself back and you deserve it. Yes he is going to blame you but you know your truth so just keep telling yourself that. You deserve happiness and love and respect. You know this is not your fault, he certainly isn’t going to own up to his part in the situation...
one step, one day, one minute at a time, you will get through this. You are strong enough, you are enough. You can do this and will be better for it.
Look to a future that YOU mold not a future you are molded into.
Tak a deep breath and stick with it. You got a taste of your own power, so keep moving forward! 😘
one step, one day, one minute at a time, you will get through this. You are strong enough, you are enough. You can do this and will be better for it.
Look to a future that YOU mold not a future you are molded into.
Tak a deep breath and stick with it. You got a taste of your own power, so keep moving forward! 😘
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
I just went back and read your first post from the fall of 2017 - you talked about being lonely and miserable in the marriage, that your husband drank until he passed out and left you with the mess to clean up, that he was completely unreceptive to your concerns about his drinking and just kept on going, that he was becoming lazy and lethargic and had no interest in you. That sounds like a pretty miserable situation a year and a half ago, and you've stuck it out since then (and I assume nothing has improved). Time to move on. His reactions are his problem. You don't have to take them on as legitimate and realistic descriptions of your role in the situation. Your role now is packing up, dividing the furniture, and moving out.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: California
Posts: 143
It sounds really hard to be around your STBX partner acting hostile. (I had a time of that this week too.) I wonder if you could move yourself out and maybe time the moving of your things to be when he is not around? Not sure if that is feasible but just a thought which you may well have already considered.
No matter what he says you know deep inside that you are doing the right thing for yourself. I wonder if this visual could help you as you go through this - visualize peace and love within and surrounding you in the form a warm protective warm light and you know that peace and love are stronger than the resentment and other emotional spears he trying to throw at you.
Hugs and peace to you!
No matter what he says you know deep inside that you are doing the right thing for yourself. I wonder if this visual could help you as you go through this - visualize peace and love within and surrounding you in the form a warm protective warm light and you know that peace and love are stronger than the resentment and other emotional spears he trying to throw at you.
Hugs and peace to you!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 94
That's what I have been doing...earbuds and parking myself in a separate room while I pack boxes.
I've been moving my stuff little by little and did stay at my friend's house over the weekend and am talking to a lawyer. I may take a day off this week to get the rest moved while he is at work, and have my sister make the drive in to help me. I finally spilled my guts to her (she knows the gist of the situation, but I was keeping the fact that I was trying to leave to myself).
I'm a little worried about my current house with AH. We rent and are in a month-to-month lease. The landlord needs a 30 day notice, I'm assuming. But AH wasn't really receptive when I tried talking to him about how we need to let the landlord know if we're both going to leave, or if he's going to stay. And he definitely wasn't up for discussing who gets what. Now I'm worried I'm going to be stuck paying rent for my new place in June, and this house. I make more money than AH so I know he can't swing the rent on his own. I'm super stressed financially. My sister thinks I should have waited before committing to a new lease, but I was terrified about having nowhere to go...my closest family is two hours away and my nearest friend is the one with a newborn and no real space for me besides a couch.
I'm not so much worried about furniture anymore...my sister and friends have already offered me a ton of stuff and have been very kind about searching for deals on Facebook marketplaces and such. Because of them, I might have a furnished place sooner than expected. And honestly, it might be nice to have a space with new (or new to me) things that don't have bad memories attached to them.
I'm babbling again but I've noticed it helps me a lot to put my thoughts out here like this. Makes me feel more like I have a plan and less like I'm just winging it in the dark.
I've been moving my stuff little by little and did stay at my friend's house over the weekend and am talking to a lawyer. I may take a day off this week to get the rest moved while he is at work, and have my sister make the drive in to help me. I finally spilled my guts to her (she knows the gist of the situation, but I was keeping the fact that I was trying to leave to myself).
I'm a little worried about my current house with AH. We rent and are in a month-to-month lease. The landlord needs a 30 day notice, I'm assuming. But AH wasn't really receptive when I tried talking to him about how we need to let the landlord know if we're both going to leave, or if he's going to stay. And he definitely wasn't up for discussing who gets what. Now I'm worried I'm going to be stuck paying rent for my new place in June, and this house. I make more money than AH so I know he can't swing the rent on his own. I'm super stressed financially. My sister thinks I should have waited before committing to a new lease, but I was terrified about having nowhere to go...my closest family is two hours away and my nearest friend is the one with a newborn and no real space for me besides a couch.
I'm not so much worried about furniture anymore...my sister and friends have already offered me a ton of stuff and have been very kind about searching for deals on Facebook marketplaces and such. Because of them, I might have a furnished place sooner than expected. And honestly, it might be nice to have a space with new (or new to me) things that don't have bad memories attached to them.
I'm babbling again but I've noticed it helps me a lot to put my thoughts out here like this. Makes me feel more like I have a plan and less like I'm just winging it in the dark.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Tell the landlord yourself.
Ask to be removed from the month to month "lease."
See what the landlord says. You're just protecting yourself by telling the landlord.
BUT. You and your husband are legally bound so any debt he incurs or any lawsuit will involve you until you get a legal separation. Please for all that is holy, get a legal separation - I would do that today. Whatever it takes to do it: it's not a huge procedure, just a short statement and application and a matter of getting it filed. Call your local court and ask for info.
Ask to be removed from the month to month "lease."
See what the landlord says. You're just protecting yourself by telling the landlord.
BUT. You and your husband are legally bound so any debt he incurs or any lawsuit will involve you until you get a legal separation. Please for all that is holy, get a legal separation - I would do that today. Whatever it takes to do it: it's not a huge procedure, just a short statement and application and a matter of getting it filed. Call your local court and ask for info.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Hi emma,
Hang in there!! You're doing great and making a lot of progress.
Change is easier as we learn more skills in embracing new, more, different and upgraded living situations with new viewpoints.
The cabin I'm renting is an upgrade from more grand, spacious places in that it's my safe haven. Changed actions + changed attitudes create great healing.
Hang in there!! You're doing great and making a lot of progress.
Change is easier as we learn more skills in embracing new, more, different and upgraded living situations with new viewpoints.
The cabin I'm renting is an upgrade from more grand, spacious places in that it's my safe haven. Changed actions + changed attitudes create great healing.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
