Brooks was here
 

Someone said something in a post today that really hit home for me. If an addict has been an addict his/her entire adult life, they have no point of reference about what a "normal" life feels like to want to go back yi feeling that way.

My A ex has indeed been an addict his entire adult life. Living with me was for 4 years was the longest time he'd been in one place since he lived at home as a child.

Looking back on what I know about his past, his life has been constant moving either in with a family member or friend, or living in a hotel, losing everything or having nothing due to drinking and probably gambling. That is all he knows.

I now realize that my ex A, while living with me, would be comfortable and seemed truly happy for a while, helping around the house, doing things outside of the home, being "normal" .But as time went by, he would get more irritable, would get lazier about chipping in with things that needed to be done, and would prefer to be alone. Then he would leave, go live in the motel and drink pretty consistently except for going to work. Then he'd come home and the cycle would repeat. His argument was always he needed to be him. And that he wasn't sure what made him happy. I now believe it was being uncomfortable with not being in a state of chaos, needing to drink without answering to anyone, and living like he was 21 again, although he is 40.
I liken it to Brooks Hadley in The Shawshank Redemption. He was in prison so long, his entire adult life, the outside normal life he found when he got out was too much for him, unknown and uncomfortable to the point he chose to let it take his life rather than change.
​​​​​​​I wonder big anyone has any positive stories of people who were able to overcome this and live a productive, normal, happy life?

Have a look at the alcoholism and newcomers forums, there are lots of stories of people who have overcome alcoholism and gone on to live productive and happy lives.

Two that come to mind are tomsteve and lessgravity

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...archid=8578976 (tomsteve's threads)

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...archid=8578974 (less gravity's threads)

I'm sure it happens all the time, it can be done but it takes a REAL commitment, the person has to want it so badly they are willing to go to any length to get it.

Think about changing something about yourself, for instance. Say you want to change from being codependent. How easy is that? Where do you start? It is probably the way you have always been? What is your first step today to change that. We can point you in the right direction, many here have, but you have to want it.

It's not easy. As you say, you are struggling. You can see it here. Can he be helped? He can absolutely be helped when HE chooses the help, no amount of presenting him with hope or tools is going to change that.

If your love could change him it would already have done so. You have been right there beside him for years, what change have you seen?

I know people who were problem drinkers (alcoholics) who have quit and gone on to live happy, alcohol-free lives. In the case of the person I know best, they key was understanding and working on some of the childhood traumas that started him down the road of escaping reality through alcohol. But he was very motivated - he knew the drinking would kill him if he kept it up - and he also changed lots of other aspects of his life, from exercise to working on his marriage. He works in an industry (music/DJing) which involves lots of late nights in bars where drinking and drugs are everywhere, so the fact that he's been able to maintain his sobriety and just be the dude with the Diet Coke is impressive (he also built in a lot of accountability for himself - told friends and co-workers that he wanted to go clean, some ragged on him about it but most were supportive).

I managed to exit 25 years of marriage to an alcoholic now in the late stages of the disease and I now live a life that makes me happy, except for having to deal with an alcoholic who still won't leave me alone. But that is only one part of my life, not all of it. So recovery from "codependency" (don't really like that term but can't find a better one) is also possible.

​​You're right. I'm so all over the place still with thoughts and emotions. This is all new, I haven't had the opportunity to even call a therapist or counselor yet for help as it's the weekend. My head knows the truth and that I can't fix him. He just doesn't want it. My addiction to him or his addictions, are driving me crazy with the obsession. I am trying.

Right now I have no where else to talk or vent or ask questions. I feel bad for even posting here because I feel that I'm not being positive. I'm exhausted mentally, not doing very well physically because of the stress and pain, and I just want some peace.

Codependy76: ...have you been to Al-Anon yet? There are meetings & support groups even on Sundays.

All the worrying is mentally exhausting. Sorry you're in so much pain! I think support of any kind would be extremely helpful. Even other activities... what about going to a film? or walking around somewhere? Go to a book store perhaps & quietly read? It's difficult but dig deep to find a few things you could do to clear your mind.

You are in the right place and never feel bad for posting. There is lots of support here for you. Everyone understands that this doesn't happen in the blink of an eye.

It is going to take time. Please don't think anyone is judging you, just trying to give suggestions to make your life easier and happier, which it will be, but again, it does take time.

Keep posting as much as you like, it's good to have feedback, sometimes we can get too much in our own heads and a little perspective goes a long way.

I feel bad for even posting here because I feel that I'm not being positive. I'm exhausted mentally, not doing very well physically because of the stress and pain, and I just want some peace.

Ditto what Trailmix said- you are absolutely in the right place!! "Positivity" is not the answer to your troubles - and no one here of all places expects posters to be positive!! Keep being yourself, come with your troubles, we've all been there, collectively we've seen it all, you are not alone.
Peace,
B.