Do interventions work?
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Do interventions work?
Has anyone had experience with this? I'm considering this as a last ditch effort to help my STBXAH see the light. I'm not sure it could save our marriage but maybe it could save him?
I feel like my detachment from AH has been up and down and more of a slow process than anything. This morning I centered myself through meditation and committed to keeping focused on my path ahead rather than in the F.O.G. (fear, obligation, & guilt) about leaving him. It was enough to go this morning and get our custody & support agreement signed & notarized. But I cried all the way there. I cannot believe I am walking away from the love of my life because he won't quit drinking. But I am. I am doing it because his drinking is hurting me and has been for years and I believe it is hurting my boys even though I cannot articulate all the ways and even as I still battle my own voice that says it's not that big of a deal, that it's not that much, that I'm making too big a deal about nothing.
At any time over the last two months, if he had given me any sign that he might be willing to just take a look at how his drinking might be a problem, I would have paused the whole process to work with him. But as it stands, he's already into his 3rd beer in about 45 minutes this afternoon. I'm sorry for my sobbing here. I just feel that my love runs so deep and he's letting me walk away like I'm just no one special after 20+ years together. I know it's the alcohol.
It has been really hard to carry on with this divorce process and simultaneously see him, day to day, in so much physical pain. He's getting closer to scheduling an MRI - working through insurance, doctor, and hospital. But this neck pain condition on top of the arthritis (which actually is being fairly well managed through prescribed injectable medication) - he's just hurting so bad. I know my staying would not help him feel better. And I have said to him, in the most loving and caring way possible, that alcohol can add to chronic pain conditions, and how mixing alcohol and these meds is hurting him. And he refuses to even acknowledge my words. And he's sure not telling the docs how much he's drinking.
Anyway, if I were to summon some of his family here to have that classic dramatic intervention - I wonder what would come of that? Has anyone else ever done this? And has it ever worked or just resulted in more resentment from the A?
Thanks for reading.
I feel like my detachment from AH has been up and down and more of a slow process than anything. This morning I centered myself through meditation and committed to keeping focused on my path ahead rather than in the F.O.G. (fear, obligation, & guilt) about leaving him. It was enough to go this morning and get our custody & support agreement signed & notarized. But I cried all the way there. I cannot believe I am walking away from the love of my life because he won't quit drinking. But I am. I am doing it because his drinking is hurting me and has been for years and I believe it is hurting my boys even though I cannot articulate all the ways and even as I still battle my own voice that says it's not that big of a deal, that it's not that much, that I'm making too big a deal about nothing.
At any time over the last two months, if he had given me any sign that he might be willing to just take a look at how his drinking might be a problem, I would have paused the whole process to work with him. But as it stands, he's already into his 3rd beer in about 45 minutes this afternoon. I'm sorry for my sobbing here. I just feel that my love runs so deep and he's letting me walk away like I'm just no one special after 20+ years together. I know it's the alcohol.
It has been really hard to carry on with this divorce process and simultaneously see him, day to day, in so much physical pain. He's getting closer to scheduling an MRI - working through insurance, doctor, and hospital. But this neck pain condition on top of the arthritis (which actually is being fairly well managed through prescribed injectable medication) - he's just hurting so bad. I know my staying would not help him feel better. And I have said to him, in the most loving and caring way possible, that alcohol can add to chronic pain conditions, and how mixing alcohol and these meds is hurting him. And he refuses to even acknowledge my words. And he's sure not telling the docs how much he's drinking.
Anyway, if I were to summon some of his family here to have that classic dramatic intervention - I wonder what would come of that? Has anyone else ever done this? And has it ever worked or just resulted in more resentment from the A?
Thanks for reading.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Think of all the ways you've tried to get him to stop drinking. An intervention might produce a single dramatic moment - but the odds of that moment lasting long enough for him to do the hard work of quitting are pretty small. He knows what he needs to do, he just doesn't want to think about it.
I empathize with the feeling that the bottle has displaced you and you're relegated to insignificance in his life - it's pretty miserable. But life will get better, I promise.
I empathize with the feeling that the bottle has displaced you and you're relegated to insignificance in his life - it's pretty miserable. But life will get better, I promise.
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interventions done without a proper certified professional almost never work. a lot of things have to line up - first ALL the family members/loved ones have to be on the exact same page, and that can be very hard to accomplish. any weak link, confirmed enabler not willing to let go, anyone not absolutely all IN on the message will create a fail.
the point of the intervention is to offer a solution - one that must be taken NOW. that means that the arrangements to a specific identified treatment facility have all been worked out in advance. all the finances, insurance, etc. the transportation to the facility must also be in place...no waiting a few days, or over the weekend.
if the addict declines the offer for any reason, any excuse, then the intervening group must be consistent on the message. ok, that's fine, but we can no longer coddle, enable or financially support your choices. if you chose to continue the deadly destructive behaviors, we cannot watch or be involved. no hitting up gramma with a sob story down the road. no calls from jail. no $20 just til friday.
i know they package it up nicely on "Intervention" or Dr. Phil, but that isn't always the reality.
the point of the intervention is to offer a solution - one that must be taken NOW. that means that the arrangements to a specific identified treatment facility have all been worked out in advance. all the finances, insurance, etc. the transportation to the facility must also be in place...no waiting a few days, or over the weekend.
if the addict declines the offer for any reason, any excuse, then the intervening group must be consistent on the message. ok, that's fine, but we can no longer coddle, enable or financially support your choices. if you chose to continue the deadly destructive behaviors, we cannot watch or be involved. no hitting up gramma with a sob story down the road. no calls from jail. no $20 just til friday.
i know they package it up nicely on "Intervention" or Dr. Phil, but that isn't always the reality.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
interventions done without a proper certified professional almost never work. a lot of things have to line up - first ALL the family members/loved ones have to be on the exact same page, and that can be very hard to accomplish. any weak link, confirmed enabler not willing to let go, anyone not absolutely all IN on the message will create a fail.
the point of the intervention is to offer a solution - one that must be taken NOW. that means that the arrangements to a specific identified treatment facility have all been worked out in advance. all the finances, insurance, etc. the transportation to the facility must also be in place...no waiting a few days, or over the weekend.
if the addict declines the offer for any reason, any excuse, then the intervening group must be consistent on the message. ok, that's fine, but we can no longer coddle, enable or financially support your choices. if you chose to continue the deadly destructive behaviors, we cannot watch or be involved. no hitting up gramma with a sob story down the road. no calls from jail. no $20 just til friday.
i know they package it up nicely on "Intervention" or Dr. Phil, but that isn't always the reality.
the point of the intervention is to offer a solution - one that must be taken NOW. that means that the arrangements to a specific identified treatment facility have all been worked out in advance. all the finances, insurance, etc. the transportation to the facility must also be in place...no waiting a few days, or over the weekend.
if the addict declines the offer for any reason, any excuse, then the intervening group must be consistent on the message. ok, that's fine, but we can no longer coddle, enable or financially support your choices. if you chose to continue the deadly destructive behaviors, we cannot watch or be involved. no hitting up gramma with a sob story down the road. no calls from jail. no $20 just til friday.
i know they package it up nicely on "Intervention" or Dr. Phil, but that isn't always the reality.
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Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 471
PerSe,
i feel your pain - the subtle messages he is giving your boys, doubting your own judgement, not wanting it all to end, yet wanting it all to end.
Sometimes you just have to sit with the sadness and loneliness. I cant fix my AH, and i am desperately sad about his predicament. Im feeling particularly sad today as its a miserable day outside and i am tired.
Acknowledge your pain, and know we all understand.
X
i feel your pain - the subtle messages he is giving your boys, doubting your own judgement, not wanting it all to end, yet wanting it all to end.
Sometimes you just have to sit with the sadness and loneliness. I cant fix my AH, and i am desperately sad about his predicament. Im feeling particularly sad today as its a miserable day outside and i am tired.
Acknowledge your pain, and know we all understand.
X
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,620
How much more of a shake up does he need than his wife and children leaving?
It's not ok for him to sit on the sofa and drink until drunk like it's a regular thing to do, to not be there for his wife and kids emotionally and even physically sometimes, to present them with using a drug like it's ok.
Think of it this way maybe. What if your Husband wasn't an alcoholic he just had rage issues, but he vented that rage by screaming at the tv or the wall even a couple of times a day, would that be ok? Even if we take it down several notches, what if he just swore a lot? What if every 5th word in a sentence was %uck. If he started doing that today in front of the kids you would be shocked! The drinking has become a norm, but it's really not.
Imagine coming home, no worrying about drinking or the effect it's having on your kids today, just peace and quiet. No, it's not some "special" world, it's the normal world! Where kids can laugh loudly and no one minds, where you can say what you think, no eggshells, no trying to figure out someones mood, no mystery about when someone will show up and whether they will be drunk or will soon be.
I don't know if an intervention will help or not, but I wouldn't even attempt it until you have had a few months away to really clear your head and think it over.
This is so tough and it hurts! I'm sorry you have to go through this. Please remember, It's not you. he is not drinking at you, he is just drinking.
It's not ok for him to sit on the sofa and drink until drunk like it's a regular thing to do, to not be there for his wife and kids emotionally and even physically sometimes, to present them with using a drug like it's ok.
Think of it this way maybe. What if your Husband wasn't an alcoholic he just had rage issues, but he vented that rage by screaming at the tv or the wall even a couple of times a day, would that be ok? Even if we take it down several notches, what if he just swore a lot? What if every 5th word in a sentence was %uck. If he started doing that today in front of the kids you would be shocked! The drinking has become a norm, but it's really not.
Imagine coming home, no worrying about drinking or the effect it's having on your kids today, just peace and quiet. No, it's not some "special" world, it's the normal world! Where kids can laugh loudly and no one minds, where you can say what you think, no eggshells, no trying to figure out someones mood, no mystery about when someone will show up and whether they will be drunk or will soon be.
I don't know if an intervention will help or not, but I wouldn't even attempt it until you have had a few months away to really clear your head and think it over.
Originally Posted by PerSe
he's letting me walk away like I'm just no one special after 20+ years together. I know it's the alcohol.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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I just wanted to mention, about what I posted above, that in absolutely no way was meant as a criticism for you staying there!
It was actually meant to back you up. Your thinking is not wrong (the second guessing yourself), you are thinking quite clearly, in my opinion.
It was actually meant to back you up. Your thinking is not wrong (the second guessing yourself), you are thinking quite clearly, in my opinion.
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PerSe…...it is typical to have self doubt....but, don't let it undermine you....any more.
About the "intervention".....Every word that Anvilhead said about it in her post is Exactly what I would have said to you. She is so correct about it.
A suggestion---write this on a piece of paper, where you can see it every single day----"Living in an alcoholic home alters children's lives, forever. That is a BIG Deal".
I think what Trailmix said is valid to keep reminding yourself, also...."He is not drinking at you." He is doing what alcoholics do.
Fish swim....birds sing....alcoholics drink....and, it doesn't have a thing to do with Per Se.
By the way---Congrats on going through with getting those papers signed and notarized! …..even though you cried, all the way there.
That is courage. You have more, where that came from. This is a good example of the fact that one never knows how much courage they do have, until Courage is the only option left.....
Carry forward....
About the "intervention".....Every word that Anvilhead said about it in her post is Exactly what I would have said to you. She is so correct about it.
A suggestion---write this on a piece of paper, where you can see it every single day----"Living in an alcoholic home alters children's lives, forever. That is a BIG Deal".
I think what Trailmix said is valid to keep reminding yourself, also...."He is not drinking at you." He is doing what alcoholics do.
Fish swim....birds sing....alcoholics drink....and, it doesn't have a thing to do with Per Se.
By the way---Congrats on going through with getting those papers signed and notarized! …..even though you cried, all the way there.
That is courage. You have more, where that came from. This is a good example of the fact that one never knows how much courage they do have, until Courage is the only option left.....
Carry forward....
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Originally Posted by PerSe
...I believe it is hurting my boys even though I cannot articulate all the ways and even as I still battle my own voice that says it's not that big of a deal, that it's not that much, that I'm making too big a deal about nothing.
Originally Posted by dandylion
A suggestion---write this on a piece of paper, where you can see it every single day----"Living in an alcoholic home alters children's lives, forever. That is a BIG Deal".
Just as a follower of your story, it sounds like it's time to take your focus off of helping your husband and keep it squarely on the well being of your boys and yourself.
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Thank you all so much for the encouragement and support. It means so much. Yes, somewhere inside I do know that what I'm doing is the right thing. And today I am making that conscious effort through meditation and prayer and reading to focus on me and the boys and our path ahead. And as I start this day, it does feel good to have those custody & support papers signed, notarized, and delivered to my attorney for filing with the court. Also, I should be signing the lease for my apartment this coming week.
It is a really nice feeling to think about coming home to a place where there is just the peace of normal living, where personal wellness and gratitude and love are at the center of our family dynamic, where we don't need to be 4 beers in to be warm and talkative with each other, where there aren't beer & wine bottles overflowing the recycle can or sitting around, where I don't get nauseated when I see a bunch of beer or wine in the fridge, and where I don't silently wrestle my emotions as AH starts his evening binge. I think the boys will be more peaceful in our new life. It will take some time, but somewhere amidst all my second-guessing, I do know it will be a better life.
It does still blow my mind how easy a 20-year marriage is dropped, like a piece of cheap worn furniture left on the sidewalk. But I am ready to walk on.
Life promises me nothing, owes me nothing, so I do not resent or regret what is past. And Life is full of beauty, depth, meaning, and love if I choose to dwell in these. This is the Life I am choosing.
Thank you all again for your support. It means so much.
It is a really nice feeling to think about coming home to a place where there is just the peace of normal living, where personal wellness and gratitude and love are at the center of our family dynamic, where we don't need to be 4 beers in to be warm and talkative with each other, where there aren't beer & wine bottles overflowing the recycle can or sitting around, where I don't get nauseated when I see a bunch of beer or wine in the fridge, and where I don't silently wrestle my emotions as AH starts his evening binge. I think the boys will be more peaceful in our new life. It will take some time, but somewhere amidst all my second-guessing, I do know it will be a better life.
It does still blow my mind how easy a 20-year marriage is dropped, like a piece of cheap worn furniture left on the sidewalk. But I am ready to walk on.
Life promises me nothing, owes me nothing, so I do not resent or regret what is past. And Life is full of beauty, depth, meaning, and love if I choose to dwell in these. This is the Life I am choosing.
Thank you all again for your support. It means so much.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
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The answer to your question is the same as to all "does it work" questions in life...yes and no. There is no set answer. Depends upon circumstances, timing, and individuals involved.
If a family intervention is done, all members have to be on the same page. Boundaries have to be set and people have to be willing to stick to their guns. They need to be promises more than boundaries. If this behavior is done (or not done) then this will be my resultant actions. The person the promises are made to then has the information from you and their resultant actions are up to them.
A non-family involved option would be to have a 12th step call made by AA members. The answer about whether this would work or not is still the same though.
Life is never boring and always has new lessons for me and for that I am grateful. Some of the lessons are heart breaking but nonetheless, they are vital to my growth. Serenity is not the absence of storms. Serenity is peace in the midst of storms.
If a family intervention is done, all members have to be on the same page. Boundaries have to be set and people have to be willing to stick to their guns. They need to be promises more than boundaries. If this behavior is done (or not done) then this will be my resultant actions. The person the promises are made to then has the information from you and their resultant actions are up to them.
A non-family involved option would be to have a 12th step call made by AA members. The answer about whether this would work or not is still the same though.
Life is never boring and always has new lessons for me and for that I am grateful. Some of the lessons are heart breaking but nonetheless, they are vital to my growth. Serenity is not the absence of storms. Serenity is peace in the midst of storms.
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A brief summary from the Mayo Clinic, one of my more trusted sources on things medical. One thing that strikes me...is there anyone else in his life that would participate besides you, that knows he is an alcoholic and would be willing to participate? Friends, family, etc?
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-...n/art-20047451
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-...n/art-20047451
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Thanks MindfulMan, he's really fairly isolated so probably not. He has a cousin nearby that might be willing, but his closest long-term friend is also an alcoholic (it's the thing that's kept them friends for so long) so that wouldn't really work. He has nothing to do with anything recovery related, ridicules and scoffs at the very idea, so we don't really have anyone close in recovery that could help.
I posted this last night at a time of feeling very overwhelmed by the whole life change that is divorce and by AH's sad state of physical and no doubt mental pain. I do realize that after 5 years now of expressing my concern and getting back nothing but pure resentful rejection, more people telling him the same thing probably wouldn't do much. I'm going to focus my energy now on my new path ahead instead of feeling sorry for AH and trying to make things easier/better for him. I'm at a new level of detachment and I'm looking forward to more peace and joy in my life. Thank you for the article.
I posted this last night at a time of feeling very overwhelmed by the whole life change that is divorce and by AH's sad state of physical and no doubt mental pain. I do realize that after 5 years now of expressing my concern and getting back nothing but pure resentful rejection, more people telling him the same thing probably wouldn't do much. I'm going to focus my energy now on my new path ahead instead of feeling sorry for AH and trying to make things easier/better for him. I'm at a new level of detachment and I'm looking forward to more peace and joy in my life. Thank you for the article.
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What helped me was understanding that by sticking around I was essentially saying it's ok. My words didn't matter but my actions did. As long as your focus is on getting him sober you aren't taking care of yourself and your family. Yes it's hard as well but also life affirming.
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
i know they package it up nicely on "Intervention" or Dr. Phil, but that isn't always the reality.
You can't make anyone want to get help.
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