LifeChangeNYC

This is my first post and I’m hoping to gain some much needed clarity.

It’s been 1 wk since I walked out and left my alcoholic girlfriend of 5 years. We were in another heated argument that started from nothing & quickly blew up like a volcano. I couldn’t take one more minute… so I left everything behind (all my clothes, cash, & medication). She called me over 40x, left voice messages of screaming and tears, and endless texts saying what a horrible person I was. By the morning, I blocked her. I’m truly done. But this is our 5th traumatic breakup… all the times I’ve left her, moved out with nothing… then we’d end up trying again.

I’m not an addict for substances (I don’t even drink or smoke) but definitely I’m addicted to her & the idea of "us". Yes, I’m codependent and desperately trying to break this pattern. You see, she was my first love. I’m in my early 40s and have had a few relationships, but never fell this hard for someone. I had never fallen in love or lived with any woman before her. And we fell hard, fast and it’s been one hell of a toxic rollercoaster.

At the time, I was a struggling artist… nearly homeless and about to embark on some very challenging medical issues (re: years of complex surgeries). I moved in with a friend. She was my neighbor… & our relationship instantly began. Unseen circumstances arose and I was asked to leave the apt I was staying in… and became homeless. I had no money or nowhere to go. Hearing this news, she invited me to live with her saying we’d figure it out and that’s how it all started.

Over the course of five years — we had such extreme highs and lows. She was a high powered executive with money and I was home-bound, trying to recover from one painful surgery after the other. Her addiction: 15-30+ cans of beer & a box of wine every day… from early AM & all night long. I knew she was a serious “active alcoholic” but initially, I felt that “we all have something difficult we’re working on.” I justified her addiction and behavior because I, myself was in such a weak state.

We had a constant cycle or “push/pull” in our relationship that just never stopped. I’d have surgery, she’d sober up to care for me, it felt loving… honest… beautiful. We’d laugh, watch films, snuggle. Then, right when I’d start to get better… she’d start drinking again… the arguing would start and as my desire for freedom increased, so would the drinking and manipulation. I wanted for us to have a relationship outside the apartment and she just simply couldn’t do “normal” activities. Later I learned just how painful it was for her. She would carry a thermos of wine or her shakes would become severe. She didn’t drink alcohol to get drunk, she needed it to survive yet she refused rehab, AA or attending Al-Anon with me (yes I was in therapy, Al-Anon, & on anxiety meds from all the chaos. I even had massive migraines & bleeding stomach ulcers from all the stress!). As the years progressed, every 6-8 months she’d suddenly detox at home (so dangerous) and have very intense seizures. Terrified, I’d care for her 24/7… end up calling 911 and she’d be admitted into the ER/hospital for 2-3 days. She’d return sober, remain sober for a few weeks and then, the endless cycle would start up again. Then, we’d argue and I’d leave her. And then, return. Ugh.

This is where I started to feel immense guilt. You see I began to see my own dysfunctional patterns of coming and going. And I blamed myself for not having the courage to stay or leave completely (until now, although I’m struggling).

I’m here to understand breaking patterns and learning how to forgive oneself. Also, most forums/articles talk about the alcoholic being male. I’m interested to hear from other men or women who have had female addicts in their lives. Is their differences? I’m struggling with the concept of being a “weak man” for not dealing with all the red flags earlier. What does this say about me?

I try to forgive myself, but it’s so hard. I need to stand firm and not go back!

dandylion

LifeChange…..I just have to ask.....how could a "high powered executive" be in such bad condiiton (at times) and not have it noticed in the workplace...?
In my experience, high profile jobs are usually exposed to a lot of scrutiny, and held to high performance standards.....

trailmix

Hi Lifechange and welcome. Have you heard of a book by Melodie Beatty, Codependent no more? It's widely recommended on this forum and is available at amazon and perhaps at your library.

It not a long read and is very helpful in identifying codependency and using tools to break free, like boundaries for instance.

You mentioned you would like to hear from other Men who may have found themselves in the same situation, some of these are older threads but you may find them helpful:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...en-posted.html (Newbie, but appreciate all the advice that has been posted)

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...w-im-done.html (I Think - No, I KNOW, I'm Done)

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ths-sober.html (Wife is Six Months Sober)

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...gets-help.html (Moving on and hoping Alcohlic Wife gets help)

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ggestions.html (My first post.........my heart hurts......looking for any suggestions)

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...y-relapse.html (Rehab, recovery, relapse)

Not sure if you know but if you want to see more threads or posts by a particular poster just click on their name above their avatar and choose that from the drop down menu that appears.

LifeChangeNYC

dandylion: when we first met, she was a top VP at large bank and she was able to work 99% from home (as she had proven herself for decades). Her life consisted of conference calls and drinking beer at a steady pace all day. Like I mentioned, she drank beer to exist or she'd go into seizures. It's shocking but initially, she knew exactly how to cover her tracks... from naps to flat out lies. She was able to mask her issues. Of course, things progressed downhill. She lost her job after 2-3 years because she wasn't attending meetings in person. She's had other high paying jobs after but they didn't last long and of course she blamed everything & everyone else for losing those jobs. Her addiction & anxiety snowballed - but before we met she was extremely successful in finance (& was a well known athlete). She grew up in a very high achieving, wealthy family... they were all athletes & self made business leaders.

She attributes one reason for her severe alcoholism was an increase of constant & intense work/social anxiety that she just couldn't handle. It became so debilitating that now it's a phobia. She's fearful of even leaving the house.

I think that's one aspect of why it's so difficult for me to leave her for good. One being, she helped me out through my life & death circumstances (re: 5 years of surgeries). And then, I know how successful she was. I know "was" is the key that I need to accept. But it still breaks my heart to see such a talented woman destroy herself in complete isolation.

dandelion: By the way, I have copied and pasted many of your responses/suggestions to others. They have helped me immensely. I created a list of quotes from all over the place to encourage me. So thank you.

trail mix: thank you! Appreciated. I will read that book. Having a lonely & difficult time tonight.

dandylion

LifeChange…...thanks for the explanation. It is truly a sad story....
I get how hard that this is.....
Don't go back....as she is being controlled by the alcohol (and what other baggage she must have brought from her young years)….
Your staying was not helping her and crushing you....
Without you to lean on...she may, eventually get into treatment and go for sobriety..... I have heard of such stories, and, worse in AA (I am not an alcoholic or in AA,myself)…..
You can survive this, and, eventually heal....and, it is not completely impossible for her....I think she will need long term rehabilitation and lots of therapy, on top of that....as well as AA....
Time to let go and let God.....(there are many more forces in the Universe, besides you....and, the future is not, yet, written....

You have done the right thing....sometimes, the right thing is also the hardest....

Bekindalways

Welcome to SoberRecovery LifeChange. And I am so so sorry for the reason that you are here. You sound like you have been through the wringer. Your reasons for going back and still wanting to go back are understandably compelling. Please please don't for both her and yourself.

As you mentioned, women are more common here but we do have some super great guys too who I hope will chime in. They come with lots of wisdom.

Courage to you.

trailmix

LifechangeNYC. Are some of the screaming voice mail messages something along the lines of - I have supported you for 5 years and this is the thanks I get?

So basically she is agoraphobic now and unable to leave the house but not seeking any help?

I agree, of course, that this is not a relationship that either of you need.

What is your situation and her situation now financially (you don't have to answer this here of course if that's too personal)? Has she discussed treatment at all, talked about going to rehab, shown any interest in treatment?

If so, perhaps this is somewhere you can chip in financially to show her support as she has shown you support over the years? This could be done in a no strings attached way and without becoming any part of the treatment or support, leaving that to the professionals.

LifeChangeNYC

Looking back... it's interesting because over the years, living with an active alcoholic... I began hating the evening/night time. It brought on so much anxiety for me. Not sure if others feel the same way? I just realized that this morning.

Night time was always a very uncertain time of the day where she would begin to drink excessively (switch from beer to wine) and/or black out, or the arguments would start mixed with tears and threats of suicide. I'd say, nearly every night was a mixed bag of walking on egg shells or fear. I was simply filled to the max with anxiety, anger, sadness, frustration for me. Hard acknowledging that.

Then, once the morning came... all the apologies were said (from both of us). And we felt like giving things another shot. Mornings represented false hope. I always awoke truly wanting and dreaming of a better life for "us." But then evening would come, and the rollercoaster of madness would continue.

Now going on a week, I have moments of clarity and some relief like this morning. My shoulders are a little lighter and I'm beginning to understand and forgive.

I have good days and bad but I think, I made the right choice.

dandylion: Yes, it was crushing me... every bit of me.

Bekindalways: Thank you. You and many make a good point, "please don't for both her and yourself." I do think, in my situation and many others, her recovery (if it's ever going to happen) won't if I'm there. Which always make me wonder about two people's dynamics together. It's very interesting how some people are just more prone to toxic behavior. I have a lot to work on. I'm planning to return to Al-Anon this week as it's been many months of not attending.

trailmix: Yes, you nailed it. In a nutshell, that's what she always used against me... guilt to swing over my head. And both are things I do need to evaluate and work on. Actually two points... she'd say:

1) "You are a runner. You just keep walking in & out of my life. You can't commit and make this relationship work." Valid point and she's partially correct. I did/do have great fears about staying with her. It took me to my breaking point. The fear, dysfunction, verbal abuse and anxiety is why I would leave -- and the guilt of giving up, my desire for love and her promises to change is why I'd return.

2) "I cared for you through all your surgeries! Day & night... and this is how you show your appreciation!? You leave! You used me!" This is where she really pounds my head with guilt. You see, I know we both met and found purpose (although temporary) in helping one another. I needed help, and so did she. I equally helped her, day and night to the point of turning into a codependent. From cleaning up her puke to staying days with her at the ER... I'd cancel work to monitor her seizures as she would be paralyzed with fear. During one (at home) detox a month ago, she was as close to death as I've ever seen. Her seizures were so bad, she turned black and blue and stopped breathing in my arms. I called 911. Paramedics came, etc. This was my life... all the time.

She refuses rehab, AA, Al-Anon, & therapy. So honestly, there's nothing anyone can do. Her phobia and anxiety is now so extreme, she can't do simple things like go grocery shopping. She'd panic and drink for an hour just to prep herself enough to walk outside... heartbreaking to watch.

trailmix: Throughout our relationship, I did have a consistent sales job and thankfully they were flexible with me... allowing for months of surgical time off. Then, I'd return. I contributed to the household often. I walked/fed/cared for all our pets (as she couldn't) and contributed to many of the bills. I think many can relate... I was the "house keeper" & I definitely earned my keep.

I so badly wanted her & "us" to get better. But she'd always say, "This is something I just have to overcome alone." That always perplexed me. She thought her disease could be battled on her own private island. She didn't want therapy or to talk about it. So it became such a hopeless situation, for both of us. She's living on family money and that's also been a thorn... being wealthy, she never fully hit "rock bottom." Ironically she has all the money in the world to seek the best treatment, enter the top rehab facility, find the best avenues of support... but nope, she's not ready.

I'm honestly done. Waking up this morning... I felt more relieved than I've ever felt in 5 years. I'm still sad, but I feel different. Make sense? This forum has helped me so much.

I'm now living with friends and back at work part-time. It's honestly the healthiest situation for me. I'm writing a lot and identifying all the areas I need to work on.

Reaching out & connecting back with old friends has helped. I make sure to do one thing, every day with a friend. Either meet them for coffee, call them... something. Because living with an alcoholic definitely ruined so many of my friendships.

Thank you again. One day at a time... at least this is the furthest I have come.

Leelee168

LifeChange,

Read up on traumatic bonding; it happens to women and to men. It’s a neurochemical thing that you become addicted to the other person and the highs and lows of their behavior. It’s real. It explains why people go back to abusers and others who do not treat them well. I think you will recognize the patterns. Rhonda Freeman of NeuroInstincts also has some good materials available on her website, for free.

Breaking the bonds is hard-it can be done. Been there and done that, it started this time last year. I’m glad I stuck it out and didn’t go back this time because my life is better for it.

Wish you all the best.

djlook

Hello, LifeChangeNYC

I am a female with 21 years of continuous sobriety. Male or female, we have a disease called alcoholism.

I too was high functioning. I owned a company. At the end of my drinking and prescription drug abuse, I could not show up at my own office. I couldn't be around people, couldn't dress myself to grocery shop, nor could I feed myself. My personal hygiene was deplorable. My physical and mental health declined to the point my family was going to "put" me somewhere but they didn't know what to do with me, so they tried reminding me of who I used to be and what I had accomplished in my life. Alcoholism is truly a cunning and baffling disease.

You absolutely have done the right thing by leaving and staying gone. I know you didn't intend to but you've become her greatest enabler. Only when all of my enablers left me, refused to talk to me or do anything for me, did I seek help for the root of my problems. I'd call people on the phone at all hours of the day and night and they began to hang up on me. I, like your girlfriend, blamed everything and everybody for the stress in my life.

My biggest excuse was my profession was the second highest on the "stress" list, air traffic controllers being number one. It was only an excuse to drink though, me, always the victim.

I'm glad you are surrounded by friends so you can get your self-esteem back, and also glad you're going to get back into Al-Anon.

My ex-husband was a practicing alcoholic and I became his whipping post and didn't even realize it. Being in a relationship with an active alcoholic is no way to live. I've been on both ends of it.

Good luck on your journey, and thank you for your post.

LifeChangeNYC

leelee68: I've never heard of the term "traumatic bonding"... WOW. I'm reading about it now & I can't thank you enough for pointing me in the right direction to overcome this feeling/situation I had absolutely no explanation for. Yes, yes, yes. This nails what our extreme relationship was & why I'm having such difficulties staying away from her. I have not returned or contacted her at all, for one week. But the feelings I have are exactly what "traumatic bonding" defines. Thank you for the information.

djlook: For the first time in a week, I cried reading your response to me. Your past experiences & intense battles brought all my feelings back... to the torture/heartache I watched her go through & experience every minute of the day. Here she was a "respected" vice president of one of the largest banks in the world and she couldn't even brush her own teeth without feeling such incredible pain. She couldn't even clean herself without needing my help. And on the rare days she did shower (so painful for me to even write this out)... she begged me to sit on the toilet next to her. Everything was that distressing, toxic & entangled.

Because she had lived such an important and successful career/life prior to when her addiction over-powered her, she was able to justify the addiction... saying she's strong & can fight this alone -- but she also sadly beat herself up even more saying things like, "how can a VP be this stupid for drinking?... how can someone this successful be this f*cked up?" She was her own worst enemy and ultimately I think that added to her constant state of depression. She hated the fact that she could fix the financial crisis but she, herself could not overcome addiction on her own.

djlook: Thank you for sharing your story. I needed to read a similar experience to begin healing with forgiveness. "High Functioning" addicts/alcoholics share a very painful battle. Much love to you and your successful sobriety.

Thank you everyone. I will be reading a lot about "traumatic bonding." This forum is so beyond helpful.

trailmix

Hi Lifechanged, glad you are finding some information that is speaking to you.

The reason I asked about the finances, is the guilt you mentioned. As she is self-sufficient financially she can seek help so you haven't "abandoned" her in that way and that is a good thing.

I am absolutely sure you contributed to this relationship, I really wasn't questioning that, but I do get where your guilt comes from. There can be misplaced guilt, feeling guilty for no good reason at all. Guilt for something you have actually done wrong, that's a different kettle of fish. The difficulty can be figuring out which one this is, but it can be important when moving forward.

Did you somewhat use her for her means while you had your surgeries over the 5 years of the relationship and left when you were on your feet again or did you just have a relationship with an alcoholic for 5 years and leave when you felt strong enough/had enough (I am guessing this is how you question yourself). Or a bit of both. Only you can answer this, but it is worth exploring if it is something that plays on your mind. Therapy might be worthwhile?

Susulaila89

You're not alone. I feel the same way and completely understand where you're coming from. I wish I had some advice to give you but unfortunately I don't because I, too, am confused and want answers.

I hope that you can find your way to healing. <3

Hawkeye13

In terms of the "why" your dynamic became / was so unhealthy, please check out this video about Echart Tolle's concept of the "pain body" which I found really helpful in understanding my own destructive dynamics in relationships.

In particular, when I was actively drinking, my pain body would emerge and I would end up fighting with my spouse, sometimes over stupid nothings, only to make up in the morning as you described. Drinking released the pain body to "feed" on my partner's and my negative energy. He had a similar response.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aP8RcmIzHt4

You've done the right thing for both of you stepping away.
She has to want to heal, and as long as she has a sense of "normalcy" in that she has a person to talk to, has a "relationship" she doesn't have to face the reality of her situation.

Wishing you both healing

LifeChangeNYC

trailmix: This is all such a daunting process of self-analysis. More than anything, I'm now angry at myself... that I even went back into the relationship... so many times hoping for the same result (happiness, love, sobriety, companionship) that never truly existed. I'm now reading all about "traumatic bonding" and shocked that this was my relationship... and that maybe, this wasn't even "love" to begin with.

I think that's what I'm wrestling with now. I know this exploration is all part of the healing process -- but, is still oh so difficult.

Yes, my guilt is there... symbolic of so many aspects of the relationship. She never gave me money, nor did I ever ask... our "love" wasn't about money but more it focused around these traumatic episodes of health/healing/unhealthy behaviors from my surgeries, my recovery, her seizures, her recovery, her relapsing... both our hospitalizations, etc.

I will say, the intensity of my caring for her & then, her caring for me was probably why I returned. It gave us both "purpose." She has always said that caring for me gave her purpose in life... a reason to wake up even when her body hurt... she knew I needed help. Complex, perhaps codependent, maybe on some levels... love. I don't know.

But sadly it gave me selfish hope that deep down inside, she really was a good person for me. Remember, she would sober up (mostly, from what I know/saw) during those times, so our bond was more real (at least my interpretation of it).

No one has ever invested care/love into my life quite like she had & vice versa. I have no family and few friends anymore. I won't go into personal details as to what's wrong with my health but honestly when you're strapped to cords, needles, breathing tubes, and a catheter for 9 months... and you can't stand on your own without someone else, it means something. We were best friends, or so I thought. I valued our friendship (when things were good) and she so badly wanted an escape from her alcoholism. I know because she'd cry and tell me all this.

Maybe this was partly obsession, or "trauma bonding" but it happened. I wish so badly we could still be friends but it's always been impossible. First, she refuses to be. She claims that we're in a relationship or we're not. So then the cycle never stops.

Within my heart and soul, I was in love with her. Or so I thought. My intentions were never to use her. Medicaid has paid 100% for all my surgeries. It's never been about the $. Yes, I was poor at times... but I always returned to work and we even had a business going on together. A rather large business in the works. I put a lot of time into designing that website, etc. because I wanted "us" to last a lifetime. I left because of the arguments, drinking and verbal abuse. Things would be good and then, really bad. "Threatening to beat me over the head with a baseball bat" isn't healthy arguing nor is "threatening to slit her wrists if I left", something I should tolerate.

Without question, if this was a healthy relationship... I would have stayed. But as I would get healthy again, able to walk... she'd resent me for wanting to go outside. We'd start fighting over the simplest things like going for a walk in the sunshine. She'd use manipulation... anything... just to get me to stay in bed. She hated when I'd get better because she could no longer have me there, stuck in bed 24/7. See the tragic dysfunction? It's sickening when I look back.

I know I made mistakes. I know I contributed to the dysfunction. I am definitely working the steps to get better, & see what I did wrong to improve my life. Therapy is key, I agree... and finding everything possible... all the resources out there (like this forum) to not go back.

Thanks for listening.

Thanks for all your insight.

hopeful4

Hello and welcome!

Forget who she was. This is who she is, now. She is showing you, so believe her. It's all actions, not words.

I am sorry you are hurting. I am glad you found SR, this is a place of great support!

dandylion

LifeChange…..OMG...as you just described it...it looks like she was very co-dependent on you....that she needed to keep you "sick" and feel like you needed her, at all times. He self esteem must be on the floor, sadly.
But, if this is correct....this is not love....it is pure selfish need. Healthy love does not seek to capture a "bird with a broken wing" and, then keep it caged forever....Healthy love seeks to inspire and nourish and helps us to thrive...

It is possible for a couple to both be co-dependent on each other...which is very different that being successfully inter-dependent....
There is a saying in recovery circles....."Two sickies don't make one wellie".....

trailmix

No problem, there we worked through the guilt you can put that aside now lol

Yes, it's not easy and I'm sure you have seen there are patterns in these types of relationships, both from looking at trauma bonding and reading other threads here.

It's good to hear that after a few days away you are starting to clear some of the fog (fear, obligation, guilt) and general fog that can happen when you are "stuck".

Time, it takes time away. Keep strong. Getting out each day is a really good move on your part.

Bekindalways

As Trailmix says, "It takes time away."

When I first left, I just focused on "putting time together". Alcoholics often count days, months and years of sobriety. I did the same thing when I left my qualifier. It was pretty ugly; if I got to the end of the day and hadn't called him nor shot myself, I deemed it a good day.

It is strange how our society values intelligence and success but it is pride that can bring you further down than any stupidity or failure. One gift of recovery is that in recognizing our own fallibility, we obtain a degree of humility. Humility will protect you and help you in so many areas of life. It is a way way way undervalued characteristic.

Keep the faith Mr. Lifechange. It might not be pretty but you can do this.

LifeChangeNYC

Bekindalways: Crying tonight. I feel so beyond lonely. Watching TV, eating, reading all at the same time is all I can do to even stay from going into a dark hole. Your words meant so much to me. I know I can do this. I'll get there too... ugh.