FallenAngelina

Thanks for this.

I'm in a similar spot, being one month into NC, and I often wonder whether I should write a note because I had to break up and block over text, having been unsuccessful numerous times in person. So soon after a break up, we are filled with many conflicting thoughts and feelings that will change after having sent the letter, anyway. The purpose of a letter is to make ourselves feel better, really - and there are many ways to do that without involving the other person. It's yet one more opportunity to practice letting others do their own internal work - AKA getting away from our predilection to be the special savior for people. Our struggle to be there for a person who is not there for herself is what landed us here. If we are still struggling with that, a letter isn't going to help and very likely could draw us right back in - when we are still raw from the breakup.

Just some thoughts. I'm working on this question, too, LifeChangeNYC.

trailmix

Hi Lifechange, hope your day is going well.

I wanted to post this link to the lighter side thread that dandylion was referring to in the recovery follies forum, for anyone who is interested, well worth reading and pages of funny stuff:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...t-29-a-19.html

LifeChangeNYC

Trailmix & FallenAngelina: You both seem to explain & express thoughts perfectly... guess I'm not used to people making much sense Yes, I suppose the thought of a letter is for my own selfish reasons...UGH... to make her & myself feel a little better or perhaps validated for staying/trying/loving for so long. I guess I am craving some sort of "closure" or validation from my dysfunctional relationship. But I know it won't help.

Yes, I agree... it would probably "draw me/her right back in" especially when it's so raw... and I'm so fragile right now. I think, for me, it's distressing to think blocking my ex was/is the only option... it's so sad things came to that & so hard to reason with yourself at times, other times... not at all. Like I said, I'm definitely not at the anger phase right now.

But I did write a brief & short "pretend" letter to her this morning. Kept in my cell phone notes. It's a bit over-the-top when I read it again.

Ironic thing is, like so many others here... I broke up with her a million times... throughout the years, read or gave her endless letters about both my thankfulness/gratitude & what I needed in a relationship... or I'd leave, etc. It's not like we didn't go through the motions SO MANY times! It's honestly an emotional rollercoaster from hell. Part of me can't even believe I finally stepped foot off the ride... & left that insane amusement park.

Let the internal work continue...

I am feeling a little better, with each passing day. And I move tomorrow to a new house/room/neighborhood! That's a huge step. Nothing is really connecting me to her anymore. She has my email and knows where I work but hey, I've come far.

I do love a good laugh trailmix! Thanks for recommending the recovery follies forum!

Hope everyone is healing & at peace today. Words can't even express my gratitude for finding this forum.

Oh, & you may find this symbolic. You know how google puts (on your personal web browser or primary computer) "you visited this or that site on 1/12/17" (example). Today I noticed all the searches I did for "loving an alcoholic"... "when & how to leave your alcoholic girlfriend" etc etc. For years I had been reading & searching for answers! But I finally left her in under a minute & never returned. One quote sums it up:

“Some say that our lives change in a moment. We might believe it took us 10 years to quit a job or fix a marriage, but really, if we think about it, the actual change happened in a heartbeat. We might think about changing for 10 years, we might tell ourselves we should make the change for 10 years, but the real change, that decision we make like a snap, occurs within us in a fraction of an instant.” (author unknown)

Much love everyone...

Bekindalways

That is good Lifechange. That certainly was how it was for me. A 5 year long relationship with all the back and forth breakup and then a series of events over a few days and a moment in which I knew this was it. Still really sucks.

I hope you are giving yourself tons of credit for getting through each day. I think you know this but just surviving right now is enough. Anything else you do positive is just gravy.

LifeChangeNYC

Big steps today... I felt some anxiety but I managed through it & went grocery shopping at a store my ex & I always went to (& enjoyed together). It was difficult because everything I saw had old feelings attached... & more happy memories than I expected. I allowed myself moments to have those feelings and just kept moving forward. I was a little nervous I'd run into her but hey, I know that's just ridiculous fear taking over here & there. I managed & am proud of myself.

I'm also moving out of our old neighborhood tonight & I must admit, I do have some sadness & anxiety trying to re-surface. I'm trying to be OK & acknowledge the feelings.

For all those struggling to leave difficult situations & relationships, there is hope. It's difficult and I'm constantly wrestling with my emotions. But it's true, every day gets a little better once you're on the other side.

Codependy76

LifeChangeNYC, I feel so much empathy for you. I am going through almost the same thing, just about a week after you. The emotions, pain, thoughts, questions, fears are palpable. And it's all constant. I woke up several times during the night and each first thought was of him being gone. And it seems every thought since is wrapped up in this. I've gone through the leaving so many times I know the nights and weekends are the worst.

I am two weeks out of surgery and still not been feeling great myself. He had left me for 3 weeks prior to the surgery, but came back and took me to the surgery and stayed to take care of me. Unfortunately, a small fight later and he's gone again. This time I believe it is for good.

I'm glad to have others here who have similar stories and encouragement. Stay strong. I'll try to as well!

dandylion

Big Steps, indeed, LifeChange! You are doing well for such a short time since leaving....
Every step is a victory....

dandylion

Codependy….I truly hope that this is the last time, for you.....
Enough pain, already......

LifeChangeNYC

Codependy76: thanks for your thoughtful & kind response... I, like you, have been walking in quicksand for far too long. We deserve more. We deserve peace of mind, clarity, and real love/healthy relationships that don't control our thoughts 24/7. Such insanity is traumatic, exhausting & unhealthy. It's no way to live... especially when we have such HUGE hearts... we deserve happiness. And such a life simply cannot be obtained... at least, for me, with my ex girlfriend... no matter how much I loved her, wanted "us" to work & so badly wanted her to overcome her addictions. It hurts because we put so much time, focus, love, & energy into fighting something that we have/had absolutely zero control over. You ask me now... what I'd want more than anything on the planet... if someone had the power to grant me one wish, I'd ask for my ex to be addict-free. And yet, I have so many big dreams myself from documenting poverty in India to returning to my work in Africa. Yep, I'd still wish for her peace and sobriety. That's how much I love/loved her. Honestly I'm hoping in time, months or years, I know I'll always wish the best for her... but I hope I can learn to be a little more selfish & wish the best for my own heart & soul that desperately needs focus on.

If you want to, you'll get there, Codependy76... but you're right in the flood zone. No one can provide exact answers for you/your life. All I can say, force yourself to breathe & take a moment or even a second to step outside of yourself and ask... what do I want for MY life, MY passions, MY dreams??? Perhaps start pulling images together that inspire you? I keep a photo of my dream house in the mountains saved as my cell wallpaper & honestly, that does give me a moment of clarity.

Moments ago I took a cab to my new room in a house of unknowns. I left the neighborhood I once loved & feared. I will probably cry tonight missing both my ex & the fantasy of "us" that I held so close to my broken heart for such a long time. I do miss her badly... a broken heart is real... but I don't miss the insanity even down to her popping open a beer can.

I never expected pain to feel this intense. But I also never expected that I'd have the courage to save myself. I knew I had it somewhere in me... but I never truly thought I'd make it happen. Time does heal wounds. And saving myself from the quicksand of addiction is such an accomplishment.

dandylion: thank you. Every step is indeed a victory... even baby ones.

Codependy76

NYC~
It is clear from your posts that you are a deeply caring and intelligent individual. Because I know your pain, I feel so badly for you. I too would wish for my A ex to be addiction free. I will continue to pray for him regardless of us being together. I've come to accept that is really the only thing I can do other than to stop enabling him by my very presence in his life. My nature and addiction only fuels his continued ability to practice his addictions. So even though I wanted to help, I was truly only hurting him or at least keeping him from any potential to hit the "rock bottom" that might be his saving grace.

Like you, I may cry tonight, for the love I have, the love that is lost, the knowing someone I do truly love is hurting himself, and that I cannot do anything to help other than stay away.

I hope it is ok that I say a prayer for you as well. With as loving and caring as you are, I know there must be a greater plan for you.

Bekindalways

Good post Lifechange but the above was specially good. I'm decades out from leaving my qualifier and what you wrote still speaks to things I struggle with

Codependy, I hope you are finding lots of support here. That initial point of going no contact with your qualifier hurts beyond hurts beyond hurts.

Keep the faith you two. People who have the incredible courage to do what you are doing never get a ticker tape parade but they deserve it!

Katerina1072

My heart goes out to you. I'm in a similar situation (he's an opiate addict and left me) and when I read what you wrote it was almost like looking into a mirror. Only I'm trying to watch TV, my focus shifts so easily. Trying to eat, no appetite. Trying to avoid that black hole, which is probably why I jumped on here. Everyone says it gets easier with time, I know they are right. In the meantime though I am sitting here staring at all of his things I was forced to pack which he still hasn't removed all of yet.

Try reaching out to old friends, I have found that to be helpful. I lost a lot of them while I became obsessed by fixing my fiance. Thankfully they are still there for me and listening.

Try to smile. Try to get out and enjoy the little things in life. It's what I've found helps a bit.