Trying to quit for 2 years but just not seems working
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Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 7
Trying to quit for 2 years but just not seems working
Just simply don’t know what to do, what to choose, what to believe
He knows his problem and he’s trying to quit. We’ve been trough many bad things caused by his problem and every time after that he’ll say he has to stop. He has cried and promised. We’ve said ‘this is our last chance’ so many times.
Sometimes he’ll change his word he would say ’ill try but I can’t promise’ which sounds honest and true( I don’t except he quit in one day).
He would have 6 beer at night because he ‘had a ****** day’
I’ve poured his beer, wine, alcohol out, then he’ll just go buy more. We had so many fight over this I don’t do that anymore.
If there’s a little left in the bottle and I tip it out he would say that last little bit is all he wanted, because ‘it’s a mind set’. He do what he says sometimes he would finish the last bit then go to sleep. But not all the time.
My question is, when he’s drinking that 6 beer which ‘it’s not a big deal I’m not getting drunk’ should I just watch him drinking and do nothing?
Or if I do nothing will make him think it’s ok to drink? I don’t want to enable him.
He often drink at night ‘because he’s not tired and so bored’.
The longest time he stay sober was 2 weeks. Now he can be sober 2 or 3 days maximum, he would even walk to buy his alcohol because I’m holding the car keys.
There’s an old lady work with him often offer him drink after work, (he’s made his effort to tell people he’s trying to quit) but of course he said yes to any drink offer.
I told the lady again it’s not ok to offer him beer, and he’s already been doing well recently. she said sorry she didn’t know that and she understands alcoholism, balabala. (He was so embarrassed when we talk spice made my point then I left) They end up drinking from 10pm to about 4am.
I guess she is either too lonely just want to find a drink buddy or she just like ruining people’s life. Couple days after she invited him to drive to town together and she ended up being him to a bar.
I don’t blame him and I know anything can be a trigger. He needs support from everyone around him. But how to deal with people like that lady who just doesn’t support his recovery?
We have a plan to go to visit his family next month, he make everyone think he’s sober already. He hasn’t been home for couple years and everyone is looking forward to this reunion and to see me ( an overseas girlfriend they never met). I’m scared we will ruin it, I’m scared he will drink and get kicked out from his parents house.
We have a life plan to settle down, get piece of land and start a homestead lifestyle. I know we won’t make it if he doesn’t stop drinking.
Been together 2 years and he’s been trying 2 years to quit ( before this relationship he said he just didn’t care)
It’s not that He’s not trying, I can see his effort, but maybe just not enough. We can’t afford professional help and we’ve been travelling a lot.
I want to leave, to find myself and find my own happiness. Get away from all the pain his drinking problem bring to me.
But I also want to stay, support him. And I know he must suffer much more than the pain I suffered.
I just don’t know if I can do this, how long I can hold on with watching him damaging his body, wasting days and months and years of life, disappear and not answering the phone, passed out on street come back with a bloody head....
He’s trying, being sober for few days and get a box of beer home. Then he will try not drink again. But one of the few times he will get pretty drunk.
I don’t know what’s going on here.
Compare to 6 months ago, one year ago, I would say he’s made a great achievement.but I just didn’t see any sign that he will stop soon.
Anyone any advice? I would really appreciate it. I’m not professional and I’ve done heaps of research but couldn’t find answer.
I guess everyone is different. He knows his problem and knows a lot about it. But I guess the alcohol control his mind as well to make him think one beer is okay..
He knows his problem and he’s trying to quit. We’ve been trough many bad things caused by his problem and every time after that he’ll say he has to stop. He has cried and promised. We’ve said ‘this is our last chance’ so many times.
Sometimes he’ll change his word he would say ’ill try but I can’t promise’ which sounds honest and true( I don’t except he quit in one day).
He would have 6 beer at night because he ‘had a ****** day’
I’ve poured his beer, wine, alcohol out, then he’ll just go buy more. We had so many fight over this I don’t do that anymore.
If there’s a little left in the bottle and I tip it out he would say that last little bit is all he wanted, because ‘it’s a mind set’. He do what he says sometimes he would finish the last bit then go to sleep. But not all the time.
My question is, when he’s drinking that 6 beer which ‘it’s not a big deal I’m not getting drunk’ should I just watch him drinking and do nothing?
Or if I do nothing will make him think it’s ok to drink? I don’t want to enable him.
He often drink at night ‘because he’s not tired and so bored’.
The longest time he stay sober was 2 weeks. Now he can be sober 2 or 3 days maximum, he would even walk to buy his alcohol because I’m holding the car keys.
There’s an old lady work with him often offer him drink after work, (he’s made his effort to tell people he’s trying to quit) but of course he said yes to any drink offer.
I told the lady again it’s not ok to offer him beer, and he’s already been doing well recently. she said sorry she didn’t know that and she understands alcoholism, balabala. (He was so embarrassed when we talk spice made my point then I left) They end up drinking from 10pm to about 4am.
I guess she is either too lonely just want to find a drink buddy or she just like ruining people’s life. Couple days after she invited him to drive to town together and she ended up being him to a bar.
I don’t blame him and I know anything can be a trigger. He needs support from everyone around him. But how to deal with people like that lady who just doesn’t support his recovery?
We have a plan to go to visit his family next month, he make everyone think he’s sober already. He hasn’t been home for couple years and everyone is looking forward to this reunion and to see me ( an overseas girlfriend they never met). I’m scared we will ruin it, I’m scared he will drink and get kicked out from his parents house.
We have a life plan to settle down, get piece of land and start a homestead lifestyle. I know we won’t make it if he doesn’t stop drinking.
Been together 2 years and he’s been trying 2 years to quit ( before this relationship he said he just didn’t care)
It’s not that He’s not trying, I can see his effort, but maybe just not enough. We can’t afford professional help and we’ve been travelling a lot.
I want to leave, to find myself and find my own happiness. Get away from all the pain his drinking problem bring to me.
But I also want to stay, support him. And I know he must suffer much more than the pain I suffered.
I just don’t know if I can do this, how long I can hold on with watching him damaging his body, wasting days and months and years of life, disappear and not answering the phone, passed out on street come back with a bloody head....
He’s trying, being sober for few days and get a box of beer home. Then he will try not drink again. But one of the few times he will get pretty drunk.
I don’t know what’s going on here.
Compare to 6 months ago, one year ago, I would say he’s made a great achievement.but I just didn’t see any sign that he will stop soon.
Anyone any advice? I would really appreciate it. I’m not professional and I’ve done heaps of research but couldn’t find answer.
I guess everyone is different. He knows his problem and knows a lot about it. But I guess the alcohol control his mind as well to make him think one beer is okay..
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Usually an A will have to give up drinking completely; moderation doesn't work in the long run, but complete abstinence does. His current on-off drinking is what we call white-knuckling - he may not be drinking but he's thinking about it all the time, and eventually he'll cave.
I suggest you take the focus off him and look at your own life. Is this what you want for your future? Alcoholism left untreated tends to be progressive so expect him to get worse in the future. I know you worry about leaving him, not for your sake but for his. But he's an adult and he's kind of made his choice to keep drinking. Don't let pity for him stand in the way of your future.
I suggest you take the focus off him and look at your own life. Is this what you want for your future? Alcoholism left untreated tends to be progressive so expect him to get worse in the future. I know you worry about leaving him, not for your sake but for his. But he's an adult and he's kind of made his choice to keep drinking. Don't let pity for him stand in the way of your future.
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 184
Lishi, You have such a caring heart; it's obvious.
Your A is drinking because he wants to. He is not in recovery, he is an active drinker. The woman is not impeding his ability to seek to quit; she's not holding him down and forcing alcohol down his throat. He' s an adult and he's going there to drink. People will tell you that you didn't cause it and you can't control or cure it and you will want to punch them in the nose (at least I did--because it's hard to hear) but it's also the truth. He's an A beause he wants to be and he's choosing not to quit. You say you don't want to be an enabler, but you are being an enabler--you are making excuses for his choices and his behavior.
Leaving and finding your own happiness, as you state, is your best option. If you can't live with an active A, then you leave. Not everyone can live with one and I surely couldn't and I admit that.
Your A is drinking because he wants to. He is not in recovery, he is an active drinker. The woman is not impeding his ability to seek to quit; she's not holding him down and forcing alcohol down his throat. He' s an adult and he's going there to drink. People will tell you that you didn't cause it and you can't control or cure it and you will want to punch them in the nose (at least I did--because it's hard to hear) but it's also the truth. He's an A beause he wants to be and he's choosing not to quit. You say you don't want to be an enabler, but you are being an enabler--you are making excuses for his choices and his behavior.
Leaving and finding your own happiness, as you state, is your best option. If you can't live with an active A, then you leave. Not everyone can live with one and I surely couldn't and I admit that.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by lishiwuyong 
I guess she is either too lonely just want to find a drink buddy or she just like ruining people’s life.
If it were this easy to ruin someone's life, then it would be this easy to save someone's life. Alcoholics drink because they choose to drink and not choose recovery. End of story.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I'm sorry, it doesn't sound like he is done yet. You say that it's "not that he's not trying" but my friend, "trying to quit" is the same thing as "actively drinking."
If that's the case, are you done? There honestly is nothing you can do to change his mind before he's ready. The reason you can't find the answer you are looking for about how to help is that there isn't one.
You can, however, help yourself.
If that's the case, are you done? There honestly is nothing you can do to change his mind before he's ready. The reason you can't find the answer you are looking for about how to help is that there isn't one.
You can, however, help yourself.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,545
From what you have described here, he's not trying.
It isn't up to you to pour out his beer. He's not a child who needs to have things taken away to teach him a lesson.
The old lady who drinks with him is probably an alkie herself. Having another person to get soused with allows her to think her own addiction isn't that bad. (Or, she's not drinking alone, so she's okay.) She's not his Mommy, or his babysitter; supervising what he puts into his body is HIS task, not hers, or yours. It's his job to deal with triggers, not the world's job to pad all the corners of life so no one feels a bump.
You've been with him for two years. He's shown you who he is. Continuing to not believe what he's shown you: that's the choice YOU make.
It isn't up to you to pour out his beer. He's not a child who needs to have things taken away to teach him a lesson.
The old lady who drinks with him is probably an alkie herself. Having another person to get soused with allows her to think her own addiction isn't that bad. (Or, she's not drinking alone, so she's okay.) She's not his Mommy, or his babysitter; supervising what he puts into his body is HIS task, not hers, or yours. It's his job to deal with triggers, not the world's job to pad all the corners of life so no one feels a bump.
You've been with him for two years. He's shown you who he is. Continuing to not believe what he's shown you: that's the choice YOU make.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I don’t except he quit in one day
actually this is EXACTLY how quitting for good is done. you quit and then DO everything in your power to never drink again. you stop trying, and start doing.
this guy is not ready to quit. not even close.
But how to deal with people like that lady who just doesn’t support his recovery?
the world does not stop to support one person who wants to stop drinking. nor does this person have any RECOVERY to support. he's still drinking. he goes and drinks with the other woman because she doesn't give him crap about drinking. she is not the problem.
you have dreams and goals. get busy living them. let him live his life as he seems to choose.
actually this is EXACTLY how quitting for good is done. you quit and then DO everything in your power to never drink again. you stop trying, and start doing.
this guy is not ready to quit. not even close.
But how to deal with people like that lady who just doesn’t support his recovery?
the world does not stop to support one person who wants to stop drinking. nor does this person have any RECOVERY to support. he's still drinking. he goes and drinks with the other woman because she doesn't give him crap about drinking. she is not the problem.
you have dreams and goals. get busy living them. let him live his life as he seems to choose.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 959
I'm sorry to say, but it looks like he's "trying" just enough to keep you with him, while still continuing to drink whenever he wants.
The change to a sober lifestyle has to come from within him, not from anyone around him.
From reading the first post, I don't really see any true willingness to change. If this has been the pattern for two years, I think it will continue to be the pattern.
If you do decide to leave him, and if he does become sober and maintain sobriety for a while, please consider that if you return to him he might return to his old (current) ways.
It's a sad situation to find oneself in, but you deserve a better life. I would suggest leaving him and not looking back. If he ever deals with his problem or not, let that be his business, not yours. He's an adult, and that problem is his responsibility.
But this is just my suggestion and I hope it does not seem impolite.
Wishing you the best!
The change to a sober lifestyle has to come from within him, not from anyone around him.
From reading the first post, I don't really see any true willingness to change. If this has been the pattern for two years, I think it will continue to be the pattern.
If you do decide to leave him, and if he does become sober and maintain sobriety for a while, please consider that if you return to him he might return to his old (current) ways.
It's a sad situation to find oneself in, but you deserve a better life. I would suggest leaving him and not looking back. If he ever deals with his problem or not, let that be his business, not yours. He's an adult, and that problem is his responsibility.
But this is just my suggestion and I hope it does not seem impolite.
Wishing you the best!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
It's pretty simple: if he wanted to quit drinking, he would. He would get help, like going to AA or another program. He continues to drink because he wants to. Sorry to say there is nothing you can do or say that will get him to stop. I recommend Alanon, an incredible support for people involved with an alcoholic.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 45
Like you I hoped, at 1 year, then 2, now 4 1/2 and after to trying everything I could think of, he's still drinking. And everything your A said I've heard before, many times.
What little I can offer to you is this question. Do you want to have any children you may someday have go through their precious childhood in the chaos you have now and that will only escalate? Maybe read some of the posts of children of alcoholics and see what damage it does. This behavior won't go away. For most, it only gets worse.
I hope the best for you. It is certainly hard and painful. Stay around here and read and post. People here seem to have knowledge from where you are now to years and years of either road you choose.
What little I can offer to you is this question. Do you want to have any children you may someday have go through their precious childhood in the chaos you have now and that will only escalate? Maybe read some of the posts of children of alcoholics and see what damage it does. This behavior won't go away. For most, it only gets worse.
I hope the best for you. It is certainly hard and painful. Stay around here and read and post. People here seem to have knowledge from where you are now to years and years of either road you choose.
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