StacyO

So I have been trying to get my mind past the fact that my boyfriend of 9 months ended our relationship. I met him 9 months ago. He drank, but I didn't know how much until I saw him passed out on the floor. That was pretty scary for me. I picked him up and put him to bed. The next day, I had to remind him of exactly what happened, since he could only remember bits and pieces. He was so embarrassed and upset and kept asking me why I was still here? Why was I so good to him? He was the most loving person I met. He was sweet and caring, which is why I did not run for the hills. Moving forward, I had found him once more in the same predicament. Getting nervous for his health, I contacted his father and informed him of how bad his son actually was. He knew he was an alcoholic (has been all his life), but did not know the extent of it. I didn't care if my boyfriend got angry with me for opening the doors to his hidden life. I just wanted him to live. Now the holidays came along, he got further depressed, I did things to make him feel like he had a life that could be filled with happy times. I decorated his house at xmas, bought him xmas gifts, took him to see lights... anything I could to make him happy. Unfortunately, he went into a week long drunken state. He was down and out. I picked him up again and this time, I told him no more. He stayed straight for 3 days, and bam right back to another week of being drunk. I called his father again, and said he is going to die if you don't get over there and help him. His father did go over, and had to see his son in such a state of despair. Three days later, my boyfriend called me, still drunk, and begged for my forgiveness. At that point, we all went to his home and got him into an inpatient detox and rehab center. He stayed for 23 days and did amazing. His dad and I were invited every Sunday he was there and it was great to see he was doing so good. We missed each other and couldn't wait for him to come home. I was taking care of his home and his dogs while he was away for the 23 days, plus taking care of my kids and my animals. I cleaned his house and got rid of anything that would make him think about alcohol. He came home from rehab and, besides his neck injury he sustained at work, he was doing great. He was in pain everyday with his neck and was not taking anything but Advil to ease the pain. That was a really good thing. Problem is... the pain was getting worse and he stayed true and only took Advil. Needless to say, he was becoming more and more irritable from the injury, trying to stay sober, going to multiple meetings a day, and doing an outpatient rehab once a week. I felt something was different. He was distant, not mean, just distant. Then one day, when I was at work, I had texted him. We were planning on going out to dinner or a movie that coming week. We continued to text each other back and forth and I asked him what was wrong? I am getting a divorce, so I thought maybe he was begining to see the problems I was about to face and was getting nervous. I called him on it, and to my surprise, he answered on text.. that he wasn't in love with himself, he was in pain all the time, he was mentally stressed, he felt out of shape, was trying to stay sober, was unable to do the things he wants to because of his shoulder and wanted to be alone! He wanted me to go on and take care of my divorce and my kids, and my new job and all the things I had to take care of in my life. He made it clear that he appreciated me for the things I did, the way I was and the way I treated him. That afternoon, I went to his home and picked up some of my things. I tried to contact him again by text and he blocked me. I tried to reach out to him thru social medial mail and he blocked me. I finally Emailed him and said I was coming over to talk that it was disrespectful to just break up over a text and block me. He got the email because he begged me not to come over and to move on with my life. I told him I was in his driveway. He said he was at a meeting. I said I'd wait. He then told me to get a hold of myself and that I was ruining his meeting. He said I was freaking him out and to please go home . He said he doesn't want to talk and to leave. I couldn't respond, because he blocked me there too. I have yet to speak with him in person. I can not understand why this man would just break off all contact with me. I have given myself to him and his recovery 101%. So I ask anyone, why? I also want to know who is there to hold me up, to be there for me every night that I cry because of what this man has done. I was and am not the enemy. I never asked him to be my superhero and I never asked him to take on my problems. Why would this man do this to me, I was his biggest help and his biggest support system. It seems very wrong and I am very angry and very hurt.

Amusic

FeelingGreat

Hi Stacey, sorry for the pain you're feeling right now.

You may not want to hear this, but it will help to listen to what your EXBF is saying. Strangely, him ending the relationship is a good sign for his recovery, even if it does break your heart. Real recovery takes a lot of energy and often there's nothing left for a relationship at that early stage. Add stress about your divorce, and pain and its just too much.

Although it hurts, try to respect what he's telling you. Even though you gave so much towards his welfare it doesn't give you ownership, or place him under some sort of obligation. You gave freely, without him asking and there's always a risk it won't be reciprocated.

Can I suggest you read 'Co-dependent No More' by Melody Beattie? It will help clear up some of the dynamics of what's just happened and give you some clarity about why you poured so much into looking after him.

least

No, it's not you, it's him. Alcoholics are known to be selfish and care little for the feelings of others. I would suggest leaving him behind and getting on with your life. I would not want to be with someone who treated me so badly.

StacyO

Thank you. I don't live with him, that would be even harder. I feel your heartbreak just thinking about it.
I never wanted anything in return, but the common decency of the man, not the addict to step up and speak to me. But I see the selfishness that seems to a part of a recovering addict.

maia1234

Stacy,
Sobriety is a one man show. I am sorry that you want to "cushion" this man's fall to "sobriety". He needs to feel the pain and make it burn so he can stay sober. We all want to "help" our addicts get sober, but it's not our job.

Love him enough to give him his space. You need to hit an alanon meeting and work on helping yourself deal with his addiction. Us enablers are very sick people. We feel that it is our job to make life easier for him. It really isn't. Look at how much time you have committed to him, going to rehab, cleaning his house and so on. You have kids, a job, a home and animals that need your support and you aren't even married to him. Let me tell you I was with my addict for way to long and they will consume your every waking moment, in a very sick way. Its still very early in your relationship, walk away and let him figure this out on his own.

Give him to God to watch over and pray that he can stay sober. fyi - The way he is talking sounds like he has already relapsed. It takes many many tries before an addict fully commits to sobriety. Sending hugs that he is sober, and will continue to follow his program. I hope that you can educate yourself on how to support him the best way possible.

StacyO

StacyO

StacyO

Leelee168

Stacy, You were lucky--and I know that you don't feel that way right now.

The further I read in your post, the more I saw that he's still in active addiction and he may have moved on with his substance of choice. Addicts are selfish and manipulative people. They really don't care that they hurt others as long as their needs are being met.

As far as who is there to support you and take care of you? The answer that you don't want to hear is this--go look in the mirror. You are the only person who can take care of you and hold your own life together. When you get the point where you don't know how much more you can give (and I think all of us on this forum have been there), go look in the mirror. See what living with an addict and his or her aftermath has done to you. Then make a promise to that person that you see that you will get help for yourself and will put in the same effort that you gave caring for the addict, to helping yourself get better. It takes time and work but you are worth it. Best to you.

FallenAngelina

I just gotta say this plain:

He did give you the many reasons that he broke up, made it clear that he wanted no further contact. You did not agree with his reasons, but he did tell you why he broke it off. Then you basically stalked him.

Yes, alcoholics are known for selfish thinking and behavior. Yes, newly recovering people need to be focused on themselves, but you show just about every codependent thought and behavior process there is, right down to the perception that you gave everything and he returned it with selfishness. This is what we codependent thinkers do - we see ourselves as endlessly giving while the problem person endlessly takes. There is so much in your post that is classically codependent that all I can really tell you is to get yourself to an AlAnon meeting and then another and another and another, just as an alcoholic would with AA. There is much for you to discover and your life will be so much better for it. I'm betting that this is not your first foray into a relationship in which your experience is that you give so much and the other person seemingly takes.

Honestly, this man sounds to have much healthier thinking than you have at this time - but the good news is that we can always learn and change our thinking. Nobody is ever stuck in their ways, even though they may be very well practiced in them. We, who are so entwined with an alcoholic, are very quick to blame this difficult and "lost" person for our troubles, but in truth, we bring our own distorted thinking to the situation. When you go to an AlAnon meeting, you will meet kindred spirits who will recognize themselves in everything you're saying - and you will see yourself in them and all together you learn how to think better. From one to another, I tell you: AlAnon.

dandylion

Stacy…..As we are growing up, we receive messages....are taught...how relationships work, and how we are to behave in them. All of the things that you mentioned....about loyalty, and respect, and reciprocity, and selfless love, etc....We receive the messages within our family, and in school, and, in churches, and in the media, and in all of our social groups....
And, this works out pretty well, most of the time....
Here is the problem, as I see it---We were NOT told that these p rinciples apply to Healthy relationships....We were NOT told that it doesn't work in addiction relationships---that addictions turn all of the usual rules about relationships all topsy turvy! Healthy "normal" relationships cannot thrive where addiction exists....the playing field is not even....

Stacy...I hope that you will not leave this forum....I ask you to stay long enough to benefit from all this forum can offer you, as you go forward....
We happen to have the best collection of excellent articles on addiction and the effects on the loved ones, that I have ever seen collected, in one place....
Our Library has over one hundred excellent articles (this "library" is under the "stickies" at the top of the threads, on the main page....under the title of "Classic Readings")…...I am going to give you the following link to that section of this forum.....There are enough articles for you to read and digest one every single day...lol!
Please, please, read al of them....
Also, do read the book "Co-Dependent No More" , as was suggested...it is easy to read and I think that it will resonate with you"

This is a great opportunity for you....it can help to change your whole life, in relationships with others....

In addition, we have thousands...yes, thousands, of real life stories...just like yours, here on this forum.....
By the way....you can read the "Whole" story of each member, and all of their past threads....by going to their avitar name on the left hand side of their thread...and click on it. A drop down menu will appear....Just click on "past threads"...and, they will all come up, for you to read....
You will see your own story and experience, written over and over and over.....(who knew?!)…..

Stacy...here is the link to our library of excellent articles....

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)


Knowledge is power.

trailmix

Hi Stacy and welcome, sorry for what brings you here though, of course.

Who will hold you up? You will. I know you are very hurt right now and rightfully so, yes he was a coward to break up with you over text, yes it does sound like he has relapsed or is on the brink of it.

Through your entire post you described everything you gave and did in this relationship. I see nothing about his giving to you, I hear no balance in this relationship at all. This doesn't surprise me at all because that is the nature of the beast (alcoholism). When something is that off balance it can't have been fulfilling for you in many ways?

He has never been there to hold you up.

Many times here I have seen people post that their SO has gone for treatment and is then struggling and disappears or disappears right after rehab and they come to find out they are back out drinking. I suspect at that point there is some "giving up" by them. I tried, it didn't work, I'm just an addict may as well drink and give up trying to have a "normal" life. That's just my take on it though.

An addict who is not in recovery will pretty much choose alcohol/other drug of choice over anyone or anything. At some point the struggle to try to maintain a regular life (no matter how much they may want that) becomes insurmountable and everything else falls by the wayside as the addiction takes over.

Please read around the forum, it will make you feel better as you start to understand how alcoholism is.

Bekindalways

^^^^^ This many times over.

I think of addiction/alcoholism like a psychological tsunami. No matter how much of a superhero you try to be, you can not stop it. You can however save yourself and any children in your care. You do this by getting out of the way.

Also, addiction is a complex issue. Even the professionals can only do so much to help. Those of us who are emotionally attached to these people and not professionals may very well do more harm than good.

Many many big hugs to you Stacy. What you are going through is beyond painful. Be extra kind to yourself.

DriGuy

Often times in breakups we are not given the information we need for closure. Sometimes we are, but don't accept it. We often feel like we deserve closure, but the reality is that sometimes we don't get it. I think this happens a lot.

I think the best response is to accept it. If he says he wants to break up, I would say, "OK, and leave." Perhaps this is not fulfilling, but it is the mature way to handle it. It doesn't help to nag him for reasons until you get the one you want. It makes it worse and drives him away.

Relationships are often anything but fulfilling. That's why there are more breakups than there are marriages. Most relationships are short term because of this.

trailmix

Yes and what DriGuy says ties directly back in to what dandylion was saying about normal relationships and what we are taught.

I understand how confusing this must be. It's hard to believe that a person you feel has been so close for months can just wander off after breaking up in a text message, again, not "normal". But he did it. This speaks to his character by the way.

In a normal, mature relationship, ideally, the two people involved can sit down and have a conversation.

Now, this sometimes doesn't happen in relationships where there are no drugs involved either, just depends on how the other person is. Perhaps they are avoidant and the thought of having that conversation is so abhorrent it just can't happen. Perhaps they are non-confrontational etc. You now know this about him. When real issues arise, he bolts.

Regardless, it's not you, there is nothing "wrong" with you. Try to keep that in mind.

Needabreak

You gave yourself to his recovery? Why would you do that? Seems to me that this thinking on your part is a big factor in your current unhappiness. Not only did you put someone else's needs way ahead of your own (codependency in its classic form) but now you are upset that he has moved on. I'm not sure I would call what you did "giving," but even if it was, you gave with expectations of something in return, so it was transactional, not pure giving, not selfless.

Infants get held every night when they cry. Adults who cry every night and expect to be held wear on other adults' nerves quickly.

Being a "support system" can kill romance pretty quickly, especially for men. And not every relationship works, even in the best of circumstances. This one didn't work. It's over. And I have a feeling he tried to tell you gently but you didn't want to hear it. Be glad you only spent 9 months. Many people here have spent years and ended up in the same place that you did.

There are ways to get through this -- therapy, reading about addiction and relationship, reading other stories here. There are many potential lessons in endings.

StacyO

Ok so I've been reading responses to my post. Some people think I am a co-dependent. I am not co-dependent. I don't put my relationships with men before my own. #1 my kids, #2 me. That's how my life works. What I am is a caring person and will NEVER stop that. What I am is a person who normally doesn't take any crap.I am a person who wants to understand what the hell just happened. What I did was help a man who was so lost, get to where he had to get, to get HIMSELF sober. I just drove the bus. I am also not a stalker. What I am is a pissed off, hurt woman, who just got dumped via text, and I am fuming because I am so worth more than that.
Trailmix and DriGuy thanks for the reply. It spoke volumes in a good way. DriGuy, that is the thing... no information for closure. I'm worth that, but I understand you saying just try to forget it and move on without one. Trailmix... The conversation that most mature people partake in is what I expected. I got fooled. I am 51, he is 49. We aren't kids. Could't tell you the real reason. I sure hope he isn't back to drinking, because this time he will be driving his own bus!
Dandylion, very imformative and positive reply. I hear what you are saying and I am listening! Also, I will stay longer thank you. Im not afraid of negative feedback. And I will certainly be looking around the library, if anything to educate myself on this disease. I do have 2 brothers, both alcoholics!
Bekindalways.... thank you and agreed.
Needabreak not quite sure what to say to you. You couldn't be anymore further than the truth. Firstly, I did not stop my life to control or give in to his anything. My life went on as it always did, only now with someone who needed help. I am also pretty sure that adults do cry. Some need to be held, and others not so much. But then again, there is that "figure of speech". I supported this man Needabreak, I did not follow him around with a mattress to break his fall and sing him to sleep at night. I think your reply is very negative.
Fallenangelina, I am not co-dependent. I never in my life of 51 years ever experienced anything like him before! I helped him get to recovery. Once in there, he was on his own journey with getting sober. I was always there if he ever needed to talk, but I was certainly not going to remain with this man if he continued to drink. A man who couldn't speak, walk straight or remember what day it was. I am getting divorced to find happiness, not babysit someone else's demons. My hope was for him to remain sober. He was sober for 10 years just 5 years ago. So he CAN do it. You are correct. This is not my first relationship where I gave my all. What is the sense of having a relationship if you don't give it all you got. That quality I possess I will continue to possess. I can also not tell you whether he is thinking healthy. He could just be hiding his addiction. I also don't blame him for the way I am. I gladly take credit for person I am. Just because I have a heart and am a loyal person to those I love.. be it a lover, a family member, or a friend Does not mean I am a push over. I came here for answers. To learn why this person did this to me. To understand something I do not. Since I am so new to this situation, I came here for wisdom and knowledge and to learn. Thank you for all your replies. PEACE

trailmix

Of this I have no doubt and I also agree that in a "normal" relationship why wouldn't you go all in? I am glad that this relationship has not damaged your outlook.

Here is the difference. In a relationship with an addict the norms don't apply. I'm sure you noticed this all the time and I imagine you cut him lots of slack because of his problems. That's pretty much how these things start.

The problem in this type of relationship is that the addicted party cannot reciprocate in the same way.

Alcohol or whatever their drug of choice is, is their first love, their partner comes in second, maybe third if they are good at their work, so:

1. Alcohol
2. Work (trying hard to maintain some normalcy and earn money).
3. You

As an example, another member here has a Husband who really can't be bothered to venture out of the house to do something with her but he can manage to get on a plane to fly to the drinking weekend with his fishing buddies.

As long as alcohol is involved it's all good.

Surely you must have noticed patterns like this?

No, it doesn't make you codependent to care but it very easy to be sucked in to when dealing with an addict. Their problems become the main focus, hours, days, weeks revolve around solving their problems. Yours get shoved to the side. When telling your story you mentioned you never asked for his help, you are taking care of your own world. That's pretty one sided. So he's looking out for himself, you are looking out for him and who is looking out for you, oh right, YOU! Eventually you would get tapped out emotionally.

I'm sure you get what I'm saying here, that relationships of this type are not normal and going all in can be very destructive.

StacyO

Trailmix. I am learning more about how an addict thinks. Yes I have experienced all of the things you say. It irritated back then, but mostly I let it go until I didn't anymore. I never asked him for help with my problems, but then again, I generally don't like to bother anyone with my problems, but I of course there are times, when I need to talk to someone because I feel tapped out, and I can see now, that he wouldn't be able to be there for me the way I was for him. The outlook I have about relationships has not diminished. The outlook I have on having one with an alcoholic has. Thank you for your feed back.