I’m psychic! I predicted this.
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I’m psychic! I predicted this.
As predicted, today is his medical checkup, and he asked me when today I would prefer for him to buy alcohol. I have known for weeks that his dry April was for this reason and that he would literally leave the doctor’s office to buy alcohol. He did this last year too. Well I wasn’t able to craftily and calmly respond, so of course it escalated, because he needs it to to justify the drinking. I said it was interesting how he can give it up for a doctors appt (to look good) but not for us. I said why is it an assumption that you are gonna buy it at all. Quacking: “I gave it up for Lent; I gave myself a pass on St Patrick’s Day and Spring break (1/4 of Lent; he drank other than that, too). “It never occurred to me that the doctors appt was Easter Monday” Yep oh sure. “I should have known that you would see things however you wanted and that you would shame me.”. I said maybe you’re shaming yourself.
I told him leave us alone when he drinks, and I wouldn’t have a reason to”sigh and eye roll” and “shame him”. (Shame = acknowledging his drunkenness and alcohol abuse in any way). He of course says I do that before he drinks. Yes, I suppose so, because of how you have acted when you drink.
So now it’s gonna be a shitstorm for the foreseeable future, that confuses my kids because suddenly after weeks
of better relations, he’s fighting with them, walking around glassyeyed, and posting stupid pictures and argumentative texts.
I really don’t want to feel suicidal (No I’m not going to do anything), so any advice?
I told him leave us alone when he drinks, and I wouldn’t have a reason to”sigh and eye roll” and “shame him”. (Shame = acknowledging his drunkenness and alcohol abuse in any way). He of course says I do that before he drinks. Yes, I suppose so, because of how you have acted when you drink.
So now it’s gonna be a shitstorm for the foreseeable future, that confuses my kids because suddenly after weeks
of better relations, he’s fighting with them, walking around glassyeyed, and posting stupid pictures and argumentative texts.
I really don’t want to feel suicidal (No I’m not going to do anything), so any advice?
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Lunchbox, my advise would be to go to a meeting, Alanon or Celebrate Recovery perhaps. Remind me how old your children are? I would be having age appropriate conversations with them so they understand this is not their fault. If you are unable to leave the situation, I would do everything within my power to disengage with him and focus on yourself and your children.
Big hugs. I am sorry this is happening. This shows, it's a choice, an he is making his.
Big hugs. I am sorry this is happening. This shows, it's a choice, an he is making his.
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Location: Long Island, NY
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Originally Posted by Lunchbox1 
...any advice?
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Originally Posted by Lunchbox1
so any advice?
Do nothing and expect more of the same with his behaviors.
Seek help to learn how to live with alcoholism by detaching from the behaviors.
Or leave this toxic situation.
There are always solutions to our problems, it’s just that we don’t like the solutions.
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maybe so
Well ok but the “sucks to be you” thing doesn’t help. I
WANT to detach but he drags the kids in if I do. I talk to them about detachment but they say I’m being a doormat when I detach.
WANT to detach but he drags the kids in if I do. I talk to them about detachment but they say I’m being a doormat when I detach.
Originally Posted by atalose
Well you have 3 choices……….
Do nothing and expect more of the same with his behaviors.
Seek help to learn how to live with alcoholism by detaching from the behaviors.
Or leave this toxic situation.
There are always solutions to our problems, it’s just that we don’t like the solutions.
Do nothing and expect more of the same with his behaviors.
Seek help to learn how to live with alcoholism by detaching from the behaviors.
Or leave this toxic situation.
There are always solutions to our problems, it’s just that we don’t like the solutions.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Well ok but the “sucks to be you” thing doesn’t help.
What does your detachment look like? Are you detaching from the behaviors or are you detaching from the alcoholic himself?
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Originally Posted by atalose
Nobody here said it sucks to be you so please do not turn what you may feel about yourself into words that no one hear wrote to you.
What does your detachment look like? Are you detaching from the behaviors or are you detaching from the alcoholic himself?
What does your detachment look like? Are you detaching from the behaviors or are you detaching from the alcoholic himself?
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If your current method of detaching isn't working (i.e., he is dragging the kids in), then you need to consider another approach, like leaving the house entirely.
This choice puts your peace and serenity, as well as that of the kids, into your control. We all know it is not an ideal situation, and that it feels very unfair for you to have to be the one to leave, but the point isn't justice, or trying to change his behavior--it's getting away from the unacceptable behavior of the alcoholic.
I'm sorry you don't like your options. None of us did. Sometimes we just have to force ourselves to start living in the solution rather than the problem.
This choice puts your peace and serenity, as well as that of the kids, into your control. We all know it is not an ideal situation, and that it feels very unfair for you to have to be the one to leave, but the point isn't justice, or trying to change his behavior--it's getting away from the unacceptable behavior of the alcoholic.
I'm sorry you don't like your options. None of us did. Sometimes we just have to force ourselves to start living in the solution rather than the problem.
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Well
I try to ignore him when he drinks. I mean I will respond when spoken to if it’s not a manipulative provocation. But I encourage the kids to walk away from obvious BS. I try to also. I was also wondering, so he’s “functional” and his argument is if he’s “not doing anything” I still complain. He doesn’t accept that it’s simply NOT OK TO BE DRUNK ESPECIALLY WITH A WIFE AND FAMILY. Any ideas as
to how to respond to the assertion that I complain about the fact that he’s drinking even if he doesn’t overtly provoke (which he does, but sometimes he imagines he’s being less
irritating)?
to how to respond to the assertion that I complain about the fact that he’s drinking even if he doesn’t overtly provoke (which he does, but sometimes he imagines he’s being less
irritating)?
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Conditional love
He also accuses me of loving him conditionally when I pull away. Any ideas for a response to that, appreciated. I know I’m allowed to not want to be near him but I’d like a way to address what he says. And he will vaguely threaten...”ok I will remember that when you say I’m shutting you out...”
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Lunchbox, it seems clear that he simply doesn't have a problem with his drinking and you do. He doesn't have a problem with what it's doing to his relationships, he doesn't have a problem with any of it. He literally just wants you to shut up about it.
You're not going to change him. Responding to his assertions at all will get you nowhere except more tense and frustrated. Figuring out the life you want--whether he is part of it or not--is a far better use of your time and energy. Al-Anon can help with that. So can therapy, which was my preference.
If you can't go to Target is there somewhere else? A friend or family member?
You're not going to change him. Responding to his assertions at all will get you nowhere except more tense and frustrated. Figuring out the life you want--whether he is part of it or not--is a far better use of your time and energy. Al-Anon can help with that. So can therapy, which was my preference.
If you can't go to Target is there somewhere else? A friend or family member?
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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What would happen if you fixed your focus not on his words but his actions?
My XABF would say anything -- LITERALLY ANYTHING -- to get a rise out of me when what he really wanted was to be allowed to drink without anyone bothering him. All these questions and accusations are just deflection from the fact that he is unwilling to admit to being an alcoholic.
There are no magic words or answers to his questions. If you answer one question, he'll just think of another to deflect the real issue.
I'll tell you something else--I've learned that healthy relationships HAVE conditions! They're called BOUNDARIES and they are essential for peace of mind.
Unconditional romantic love is a construct of Hollywood + codependency. The glorification of self-sacrifice for another person who is perfectly able to take care of themselves is a bill of good sold to people who are still looking for external validation instead of finding it within themselves. I speak from experience here.
NOT that it matters, because he's only saying that to get you to stop talking about the drinking. That is his only agenda.
My XABF would say anything -- LITERALLY ANYTHING -- to get a rise out of me when what he really wanted was to be allowed to drink without anyone bothering him. All these questions and accusations are just deflection from the fact that he is unwilling to admit to being an alcoholic.
There are no magic words or answers to his questions. If you answer one question, he'll just think of another to deflect the real issue.
I'll tell you something else--I've learned that healthy relationships HAVE conditions! They're called BOUNDARIES and they are essential for peace of mind.
Unconditional romantic love is a construct of Hollywood + codependency. The glorification of self-sacrifice for another person who is perfectly able to take care of themselves is a bill of good sold to people who are still looking for external validation instead of finding it within themselves. I speak from experience here.
NOT that it matters, because he's only saying that to get you to stop talking about the drinking. That is his only agenda.
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Any response you give to the words spoken by an active alcoholic, is basically irrelevant , whether they happen to be drinking at the time or not. No matter what you say, their disease will fight to protect itself. I know it's frustrating, but trying to get them to see reason is an exercise in futility. It will only ever end in an argument that you can't win... no matter how right you are. It's extremely exhausting and infuriating. You can't reason with the irrational.
In my situation, I eventually came to the conclusion that continuing to badger him about his drinking just made me the combative party... I decided I would no longer engage with him when he was drinking. That boundary gave me back my power.
I'm sorry you are dealing with a drunk spouse. I lived that hell for a long time. I raised my kids in that chaos. I wish I had made wiser choices much sooner than I did.
In my situation, I eventually came to the conclusion that continuing to badger him about his drinking just made me the combative party... I decided I would no longer engage with him when he was drinking. That boundary gave me back my power.
I'm sorry you are dealing with a drunk spouse. I lived that hell for a long time. I raised my kids in that chaos. I wish I had made wiser choices much sooner than I did.
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"Unable any longer to carry the burden of his own transgressions he begins to think of himself as the victim of the unfairness and unreasonableness of others who are forever harping on his addiction and the consequences that flow from it. "Leave me alone," he may snap. "I'm not hurting anybody but myself!"
He has become almost totally blind to how his addictive behavior does in fact harm those around him who care about him; and he has grown so confused that hurting only himself has begun to sound like a rational, even a virtuous thing to do"!
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
He has become almost totally blind to how his addictive behavior does in fact harm those around him who care about him; and he has grown so confused that hurting only himself has begun to sound like a rational, even a virtuous thing to do"!
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
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Join Date: Jan 2018
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Here is the honest truth. It sucks living with an active alcoholic. As an adult he can choose to drink whenever wherever he wants. He can choose to try and start arguments or try to "bait" you into a discussion so that he can justify his behavior. You are 100% in control of your choice to engage in any behavior he tries to throw at you. I had a very toxic relationship with my own father and AH. It is a very freeing exercise to simply say I am not going to discuss this with you. (I would actually kind of say that in a sing songy voice to keep it light for myself). They would put up a fight and try again and then I would simply leave the room. What a wonderful example you could set for your children (when there are times you cannot go to target) that you don't have to engage and therefore neither do they. Everyone here totally gets the frustration you are going through, as we have all been through it and dare I say made ALL the mistakes. You will no longer feel like a victim when you refuse to be victimized and that is absolutely the most freeing choice you can make. Hugs to you we all know this is hard.
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Lunchbox, you are caught up in a loop, in a battle that you have no chance of winning or even making headway on.
Nothing is going to change here. You can present your arguments and your rational ideas and your complaints in 50 different ways and it will not make one iota of difference.
So, when everyone here is suggesting you focus back on yourself, unless you are willing to leave, that is your only option if you want any peace at all.
You should perhaps never engage in a conversation with him when he has been drinking, even if it is a civil question or conversation, why would you? By engaging you are inviting other conversation that might not be so rational or civil - detach.
You are hanging on to a relationship where you only want the small good parts (which is why he can try to blackmail you with ”ok I will remember that when you say I’m shutting you out...”). Can't be done, you get the good and the terrible.
There is no real "good" here, no good relationship and no good way to be, it's not doable at this point. You can't have what you want, so your best bet is to accept what you have and do the best you can for you and your children.
Nothing is going to change here. You can present your arguments and your rational ideas and your complaints in 50 different ways and it will not make one iota of difference.
So, when everyone here is suggesting you focus back on yourself, unless you are willing to leave, that is your only option if you want any peace at all.
You should perhaps never engage in a conversation with him when he has been drinking, even if it is a civil question or conversation, why would you? By engaging you are inviting other conversation that might not be so rational or civil - detach.
You are hanging on to a relationship where you only want the small good parts (which is why he can try to blackmail you with ”ok I will remember that when you say I’m shutting you out...”). Can't be done, you get the good and the terrible.
There is no real "good" here, no good relationship and no good way to be, it's not doable at this point. You can't have what you want, so your best bet is to accept what you have and do the best you can for you and your children.
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