I’m psychic! I predicted this.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
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Originally Posted by Lunchbox1 
He also accuses me of loving him conditionally when I pull away. Any ideas for a response to that, appreciated. ”
Your husband has dropped the rope.
You need support for yourself and your children and a plan moving forward, regardless of what your husband does or says.
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Location: W Washington
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lunchbox, i think you might be missing the point of detachment here. right now you want to stay engaged in the endless cycle of conflict - you want to make a point, be in the right, get him to see the light.
he doesn't want to and does not CARE.
is it that you are not able to remove yourself and your children from this alcoholic tornado? or that you are unwilling to do so?
he doesn't want to and does not CARE.
is it that you are not able to remove yourself and your children from this alcoholic tornado? or that you are unwilling to do so?
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conflicting info
Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr
Alcoholism is a mental illness that is treated by addiction specialists.
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unable or unwilling
He’s a vindictive narcissist but he presents well and is highly functional. He’ll never lose shared custody and I
dont want to leave them with him without me there. He’s mean and manipulative when he drinks, but I can’t prove it. So am I unable or am I unwilling? Both, neither, idek
QUOTE=AnvilheadII;7169924]lunchbox, i think you might be missing the point of detachment here. right now you want to stay engaged in the endless cycle of conflict - you want to make a point, be in the right, get him to see the light.
he doesn't want to and does not CARE.
is it that you are not able to remove yourself and your children from this alcoholic tornado? or that you are unwilling to do so?[/QUOTE]
l
dont want to leave them with him without me there. He’s mean and manipulative when he drinks, but I can’t prove it. So am I unable or am I unwilling? Both, neither, idek
QUOTE=AnvilheadII;7169924]lunchbox, i think you might be missing the point of detachment here. right now you want to stay engaged in the endless cycle of conflict - you want to make a point, be in the right, get him to see the light.
he doesn't want to and does not CARE.
is it that you are not able to remove yourself and your children from this alcoholic tornado? or that you are unwilling to do so?[/QUOTE]
l
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Location: W Washington
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Previous poster referred to a choice my AH is making to drink, which seemed inconsistent with the disease model.
consider someone who is say bipolar. and has been prescribed medication which helps to stabilize the swings up and down. but the individual with the disease chooses NOT to take the meds.
most addicts know they have a problem, whether they ever admit it or not. and most know what the solution is, to stop drinking. for many they simply won't take that step. and for those more severely physically and mentally addicted, they can't without help.
consider someone who is say bipolar. and has been prescribed medication which helps to stabilize the swings up and down. but the individual with the disease chooses NOT to take the meds.
most addicts know they have a problem, whether they ever admit it or not. and most know what the solution is, to stop drinking. for many they simply won't take that step. and for those more severely physically and mentally addicted, they can't without help.
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Join Date: Sep 2018
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hi lunchbox
does it really matter if it's a choice, a disease or a mental health issue?
Whatever you call it, his drinking is a problem to you and you have to think of yourself at the moment. Your kids need you to be in a good place for them.
I totally hear your pain and your stress. I managed to grow myself a 30cm ovarian cyst last year. I totally neglected my own health while running around stressed out trying to hold the family together and hoping my husband would stop drinking. He didn't and I got ill and my kids ended up with two malfunctioning parents.
Please don't make yourself ill. Is there anywhere you could go with the kids for a few days or even just for an afternoon? A change of scene to get a new perspective? A little bit of distance and some fresh eyes on the situation?
does it really matter if it's a choice, a disease or a mental health issue?
Whatever you call it, his drinking is a problem to you and you have to think of yourself at the moment. Your kids need you to be in a good place for them.
I totally hear your pain and your stress. I managed to grow myself a 30cm ovarian cyst last year. I totally neglected my own health while running around stressed out trying to hold the family together and hoping my husband would stop drinking. He didn't and I got ill and my kids ended up with two malfunctioning parents.
Please don't make yourself ill. Is there anywhere you could go with the kids for a few days or even just for an afternoon? A change of scene to get a new perspective? A little bit of distance and some fresh eyes on the situation?
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if you have access to YouTube, search for alanon. There are old school speaker "tapes" there and you can listen for free on your phone with headphones. I did this so often when I lived with Ah. Cuz you can tell him whatever white lie about what you are listening to, you are detaching and learning. I know you have kids but they are short enough and amazing and packed full of "old school " help. I learned to say things like "you could be right" and a million other things to an ah and when you start saying it it gives you some mental space. it's ok to just say "ok" to them. they are inspiring
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About kids with an alcoholic parent...
One of the saddest things I've seen on my journey of recovery from
living with an active alcoholic - I've been attending the most informative
group sessions at a place which is dedicated to healing from addiction-
for all involved. At one session they showed pictures drawn by the
children who attend their week-long sessions to learn about the
family disease of alcoholism. They act out feelings, verbalize feelings,
and have a safe place to talk and ask questions. So the pictures they
drew, one was a giant beer bottle that was being chased by a dad, with
the mom chasing dad, and the kids left behind with tears and sad faces.
Another was a drawing of mom at 10am, noon, 3pm, 6pm, 9pm,
and the faces looking progressively drunker with shark eyes.
These were the 2 that are seared in my memory, so very sad.
One of the saddest things I've seen on my journey of recovery from
living with an active alcoholic - I've been attending the most informative
group sessions at a place which is dedicated to healing from addiction-
for all involved. At one session they showed pictures drawn by the
children who attend their week-long sessions to learn about the
family disease of alcoholism. They act out feelings, verbalize feelings,
and have a safe place to talk and ask questions. So the pictures they
drew, one was a giant beer bottle that was being chased by a dad, with
the mom chasing dad, and the kids left behind with tears and sad faces.
Another was a drawing of mom at 10am, noon, 3pm, 6pm, 9pm,
and the faces looking progressively drunker with shark eyes.
These were the 2 that are seared in my memory, so very sad.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
so you haven't really fully investigated your rights and potential custodial options to the full degree. knowledge is power. imagine you are stuck in a cell with a spoon......you can assume the spoon cannot possibly help you escape or you can get busy digging and see what happens.
we have options. choices. but they require we take action to implement those options.
we have options. choices. but they require we take action to implement those options.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
you are resisting help because you don't like the answers. however, you are also intentionally exposing your children to this man on a daily basis-- this is how they are being parented by you and your husband.
consider your children, and as an act of love and selflessness please go to at least six Alanon meetings before deciding to stop.
Good luck from somebody who was in the same boat.
C-
consider your children, and as an act of love and selflessness please go to at least six Alanon meetings before deciding to stop.
Good luck from somebody who was in the same boat.
C-
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This website may be helpful as an educational tool and to help organize your thoughts....it can also save time, when consulting with a lawyer in person...
It is organized by state.....
www.womansdivorce.com
It is organized by state.....
www.womansdivorce.com
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great.
This is the kind of guilt-tripping bile that keeps me off this site.
[QUOTE=Cyranoak;7170223]you are resisting help because you don't like the answers. however, you are also intentionally exposing your children to this man on a daily basis-- this is how they are being parented by you and your husband.
[QUOTE=Cyranoak;7170223]you are resisting help because you don't like the answers. however, you are also intentionally exposing your children to this man on a daily basis-- this is how they are being parented by you and your husband.
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lunchbox
the posters on this site are trying to help you. Many of us have been right where you are now. As they say in Al-anon
take what you like and leave the rest
keep posting, you might eventually find something here that helps you. You have reached out, you are in such a difficult place and I hear your emotions are raw. Everyone on this site identifies with that.
breathe deeply
the posters on this site are trying to help you. Many of us have been right where you are now. As they say in Al-anon
take what you like and leave the rest
keep posting, you might eventually find something here that helps you. You have reached out, you are in such a difficult place and I hear your emotions are raw. Everyone on this site identifies with that.
breathe deeply
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 413
[QUOTE=Lunchbox1;7170520]
Also, every one of us here has at one point loved an alcoholic or an addict, so none of us is better than you. We have been there and have paid the price.
We also know when we see toxic codependent thinking and, because we have been there, we are in a place to call it out. Just like recovered alcoholics are in a place to call out the "stinking thinking" of an alcoholic who is about to have another drink.
Do you want anything to change or improve in your life? Because that takes work, honesty, insight and a commitment to personal growth. And really, posting here with your problems and then lashing out at everyone who responds is doing nothing for you.
This is the kind of guilt-tripping bile that keeps me off this site.
Lunchbox, that statement is not guilt-tripping, it is the truth. Children who grow up in the misery and dysfunction of alcoholic families carry that dysfunction with them through life.
Originally Posted by Cyranoak
you are resisting help because you don't like the answers. however, you are also intentionally exposing your children to this man on a daily basis-- this is how they are being parented by you and your husband.
Also, every one of us here has at one point loved an alcoholic or an addict, so none of us is better than you. We have been there and have paid the price.
We also know when we see toxic codependent thinking and, because we have been there, we are in a place to call it out. Just like recovered alcoholics are in a place to call out the "stinking thinking" of an alcoholic who is about to have another drink.
Do you want anything to change or improve in your life? Because that takes work, honesty, insight and a commitment to personal growth. And really, posting here with your problems and then lashing out at everyone who responds is doing nothing for you.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by Lunchbox1
[left]This is the kind of guilt-tripping bile that keeps me off this site.
As Amaranth said, you can really just take what you like and leave the rest.
It's difficult to understand why anyone would stay in such a situation, however you do have your reasons and all we can do is try to help.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
Originally Posted by Lunchbox1
As predicted, today is his medical checkup, and he asked me when today I would prefer for him to buy alcohol. I have known for weeks that his dry April was for this reason and that he would literally leave the doctor’s office to buy alcohol. He did this last year too. Well I wasn’t able to craftily and calmly respond, so of course it escalated, because he needs it to to justify the drinking. I said it was interesting how he can give it up for a doctors appt (to look good) but not for us. I said why is it an assumption that you are gonna buy it at all. Quacking: “I gave it up for Lent; I gave myself a pass on St Patrick’s Day and Spring break (1/4 of Lent; he drank other than that, too). “It never occurred to me that the doctors appt was Easter Monday” Yep oh sure. “I should have known that you would see things however you wanted and that you would shame me.”. I said maybe you’re shaming yourself.
I told him leave us alone when he drinks, and I wouldn’t have a reason to”sigh and eye roll” and “shame him”. (Shame = acknowledging his drunkenness and alcohol abuse in any way). He of course says I do that before he drinks. Yes, I suppose so, because of how you have acted when you drink.
So now it’s gonna be a shitstorm for the foreseeable future, that confuses my kids because suddenly after weeks
of better relations, he’s fighting with them, walking around glassyeyed, and posting stupid pictures and argumentative texts.
I really don’t want to feel suicidal (No I’m not going to do anything), so any advice?
I told him leave us alone when he drinks, and I wouldn’t have a reason to”sigh and eye roll” and “shame him”. (Shame = acknowledging his drunkenness and alcohol abuse in any way). He of course says I do that before he drinks. Yes, I suppose so, because of how you have acted when you drink.
So now it’s gonna be a shitstorm for the foreseeable future, that confuses my kids because suddenly after weeks
of better relations, he’s fighting with them, walking around glassyeyed, and posting stupid pictures and argumentative texts.
I really don’t want to feel suicidal (No I’m not going to do anything), so any advice?
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