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Old 04-23-2019, 06:19 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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I believe you should call a meeting and explain boundaries, to him and to your daughter.

Just my two cents. You deserve more.
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Old 04-23-2019, 07:39 AM
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Agree with hopeful--you need to hold your ground--this is your sacred space of peace, but only if you don't let them trample all over it and you.

You deserve to be comfortable and safe in your home. Bottom line.
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Old 04-23-2019, 03:37 PM
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Thankyou

thanks for all the feedback. It really helps to know I’m not being unreasonable or over reacting. He has clearly had me second guessing myself for years. Today he’s kept away. After our discussion. I thought something must’ve sunk in until I received a phone call from the agent regarding the deposit owed back on the house we moved out of. The landlord had requested the agent pay AH half the deposit! AH had asked him in person and he had agreed! . Fortunately the agent has to abide by the law and pay it to me in full as the tenancy agreement was in my name only. I paid the rent every month for 4 years, never missed a payment.

AH doesn’t know this yet - he actually text me to say “deposit will be released tomorrow 👍🏻“ I replied that I knew that already. And that he’d requested half of it be paid to him and was disappointed he’d gone behind my back. I didn’t tell him he wasn’t going to get it. (That gem will be tomorrow and I’m dreading his reaction.)

He replied “of course I did I have 9 grand on my credit cards! I’m desperate for money”. I didn’t reply. He’d have been drinking the time he sent it. No point.

I went to get my jewellery valued I can get £500 for it. Only gold and diamond value so my mums offered to buy them from me so i can buy them back if I ever want to. I want to pay off every bill we have together so I can start a clean slate. I’ll be using the deposit money to pay for bills that are in my name but equally are his debts. I have money owing on my credit cards too! But all the utility bills and a loan for him were in my name so I’m liable. So it will still benefit him as I’m paying off his half of the bills plus his kids will benefit as their mother won’t be struggling to make ends meet for months. He won’t see it like that though. He says he needs it to pay the deposit he owes to the tenant that moved out of his house. He should have legally had that in a holding account but didn’t so he’s going to either be sued or have to sell something to pay it. Not my problem.

I’m going to keep my door locked tomorrow and be on my guard. He’s never been violent so I’m not thinking that... but I do think he might now begin to play very nasty and use the kids to assert his authority over me. I’m nervous for the first time ever, that he could really try to bully me over this. Now he’s nothing to loose in his eyes (financially anyway) by kicking off.

The front door is frosted glass. I’m thinking I need a curtain across it so the caller cannot see through it. It does unnerve me a little if I’m honest.
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Old 04-23-2019, 05:19 PM
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You are doing really well RB - seriously, you have it together.

I also have a glass piece in my front door and I really like it, I never open the door haha (people do not show up here unless invited, it's a thing). So when people selling stuff etc come to the door I talk to them through the glass.

The funniest part is some of them pretend they can't hear me. This is a seller "trick", I guess they expect me not to notice that I can hear THEM. If they keep it up I just walk away - not very friendly - but anyhoo, the curtain is a great idea.

Good luck tomorrow, what a ridiculous deal he tried to make there, very underhanded.
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Old 04-24-2019, 02:22 AM
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RB, I think the only thing I would add to what you're planning now is to get the kids on-side. That doesn't mean they have to take sides, but that you spell out your intentions and tell them the reasons for doing it. So they understand and don't inadvertently encourage him to cross boundaries.

They may push back, but it shouldn't be a discussion of right or wrong, just putting them in the picture.

In regards to your plans for getting out of debt, I think it would be a very good precaution to seek legal advice, even if it's just a free clinic or legal aid. In a marriage it may not be relevant whose name a debt is in. At least find that out, because voluntarily paying off loans just because they're in your name may still leave you liable for credit card debt in his name. Very important.
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Old 05-16-2019, 11:21 AM
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a bit of an eye opener today

So a few weeks on again. I paid the debts off by selling my jewellery and .. I paid the tenant her deposit back myself. After taking advice it was the best option because legally my name was on the lease as joint landlord.

Ive kept my door locked and despite the fact XAH still tries the handle and would walk in without knocking at least I’m keeping my boundaries clear.

He has the last two weekends taken the kids out once swimming and another time cinema. It’s unusual and something he never ever did before but the effort is appreciated. I’m still not keen on him driving them around but I limit these visits to mornings and I think his driving days are numbered anyway. If he gets a DUI which is more likely now he lives in town - then that problem is solved.

My youngest daughter has autism and has expressed her dislike of “daddy’s new house”. She says it’s “weird” and doesn’t want to go there again. Now he has two of our cats there which I had hoped she’d want to see and I accept that with autism any new changes take a while to process but even so I made an excuse to “pop in” today on the way back from the dentist to see the cats that I’ve really missed. (I’m concerned one of them isn’t getting the care she needs and I was right ... she’s terribly matted I may have to take her back)

i don’t know what I was expecting really ... but I was shocked at how bad his house was. He’s clearly done nothing to unpack! there is just boxes junk and stuff everywhere. It was filthy - clothes, dirty dishes ... awful. No milk for coffee. Huge bottle of cider, gin and wine though. (Meaning he’s not drinking coffee!) he didn’t even seem embarrassed. He went to the corner shop to get milk and left me there. I had a look around (ok ok I snooped) he hasn’t even put bedding on the bed! His bathroom - ugh. He told me he’d fallen out of the bath three weeks ago and was black and blue he’s also bust his knee. (He “slipped”) he said he’d pulled the shower curtain down when he fell - it was still there on the floor with the pole. I didn’t stay to help I didn’t comment or offer any help at all as I know that’s enabling and codependent. But it was tough I’ll admit it. I cried when I left I just wanted to hug him - I hate the thought of him sat in that dump all alone but he COULD make it so nice!!! He’s got everything there to make it good, he’s just not bothered. I needed to offload and feel terrible but my energy is here now in MY home which I’ve made cosy welcoming clean tidy and lovely. I also reminded myself of all the times he made our lives hell by nagging about little things - the kids couldn’t leave a cup out without him making a point about it he was (still is) ultra critical. That’s why I find today so hard to believe.

so I can’t force my daughter to spend time there. He has a bedroom for her and our son but it’s piled high with boxes. I don’t see any opportunity they’d go there overnight which I’m glad about but still very shocked he’s not made any effort to make it good for them if not for himself. He was always so critical of my first ex for being a terrible father to my oldest girls. Now he’s being just as bad. He’s also taken £170 from our sons account and still not paid it back. Son isn’t aware yet he would be devastated. It’s all his birthday money saved up.

Last edited by RainingButtons; 05-16-2019 at 11:24 AM. Reason: Adding
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Old 05-16-2019, 02:47 PM
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I have massive anxiety just reading about this guy. My ex GF used to open any door I shut, all the time. She'd wake me up rudely from a deep sleep at 2AM just because she couldn't sleep due to her alcoholism & massive insecurities/control issues. I moved out & live in a tiny bedroom now... but it's MINE (& thank god she doesn't know how or where to find me!) Everyone is correct... completely unacceptable. Don't allow him to control your new life for one more second. That's YOUR home. Guard it well, same with your son, same with your heart. You deserve peace & safety.
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Old 05-16-2019, 02:49 PM
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Hi RainingButtons, glad to hear from you.

It is all rather traumatic really, for all concerned.

In thinking about the apartment, when one is so self-centered, I doubt it has crossed his mind that his apartment being a disaster means anything to anyone but him. He's good with it! In this case, with your Daughter's sensitivities and the fact that they do go over there periodically, I would actually broach the subject with him - as in, the kids won't be comfortable in your new place until you sort it out.

Alternately it could be a boundary which you share with him - the kids can't visit until the place is sorted out (this would be my personal choice).
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Old 05-16-2019, 03:24 PM
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He’s also taken £170 from our sons account and still not paid it back. Son isn’t aware yet he would be devastated. It’s all his birthday money saved up.
Please make an effort to stop him from using your son's account as a slush fund. A friend of mine discovered that her ex had stolen thousands of dollars from their son's savings account (the son had inherited the money from another relative). She finally took him to court and won.

Also, I would make sure that he hasn't stolen any of your children's identities to score additional credit cards/loans/etc.
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Old 05-16-2019, 04:31 PM
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I suggest closing your son's account and moving his money to his own account to which AH has no access. Ideally get the money owed first if you can.

I also favor no visits until at least the children's rooms are habitable.
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Old 05-17-2019, 10:19 AM
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Hi RainingButtons,

It sounds like a wake-up call. A person in this state (advancing alcoholism) is not a fit, healthy person to be one of the children's caretakers and role models.

Kudos for all you're accomplishing! One day at a time.
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Old 05-17-2019, 03:09 PM
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i agree with others that until his home is at least habitable the children are not to be over there and absolutely NO overnights. he is allowed to live in squalor if he chooses, but that is not adequate for children.

it is also NOT OK for him to "borrow" from his children's savings accounts! you probably won't see that money again. close that accout and open one that does not give him access.

i wish you and your children the very best in your new home!
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Old 05-18-2019, 05:07 AM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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Thanks for the feedback honestly this forum is a godsend. Ok so I took the advice you all gave and went to open a new account for my son. I needed his passport for ID and guess what...? It had gone. So had my daughters.

I had the passports when I moved. I keep them in a tin. I also know AH has had access to them since I moved because of the early days of him being here using my WiFi. Cut a long story short I now have them back. He denied having “taken” them of course - said he just happened to have them. I’ve no idea why. However I do know that he tried to access my sons other account which is a little trust fund I save regularly in, but they wouldn’t speak to him without my authority as it’s held in my name. Im not saying he tried to take the money but he certainly tried to change the address.

Im suspicious of him now. More than ever. I suspect he may be trying to bury his assets by transferring them into the kids names or something along those lines? I can’t think why else he would need their passports unless it’s a control thing? I don’t think he’d take them abroad. He would never cope with our daughter on his own and he knows this.

I have decided to get myself some legal advice next week about putting a declared financial interest in the house he owns and separating us financially because if he goes bankrupt or runs up debts I’m worried I’m still liable as I’m legally still married to him.

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Old 05-18-2019, 05:08 AM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
i agree with others that until his home is at least habitable the children are not to be over there and absolutely NO overnights. he is allowed to live in squalor if he chooses, but that is not adequate for children.

it is also NOT OK for him to "borrow" from his children's savings accounts! you probably won't see that money again. close that accout and open one that does not give him access.

i wish you and your children the very best in your new home!
also I totally agree and will not be allowing any overnighters at his at all.
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Old 06-09-2019, 05:29 PM
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In my business there are many identity theft issues...

...and very often it is parents, usually drug addicts and alcoholics, who have stolen their own children's identities. i'm unaware of the dynamics in the UK, but here I'd be suggesting credit monitoring under your childrens' names and social security numbers. it's never fun when people find out from a salesman they don't even know that, before they've ever even used it, their credit is already destroyed.

best to you and your children, and please consider Al-Anon to help you understand many of the things that have happened, are happening, and are going to happen with this man.

C-

Originally Posted by RainingButtons View Post
Thanks for the feedback honestly this forum is a godsend. Ok so I took the advice you all gave and went to open a new account for my son. I needed his passport for ID and guess what...? It had gone. So had my daughters.

I had the passports when I moved. I keep them in a tin. I also know AH has had access to them since I moved because of the early days of him being here using my WiFi. Cut a long story short I now have them back. He denied having “taken” them of course - said he just happened to have them. I’ve no idea why. However I do know that he tried to access my sons other account which is a little trust fund I save regularly in, but they wouldn’t speak to him without my authority as it’s held in my name. Im not saying he tried to take the money but he certainly tried to change the address.

Im suspicious of him now. More than ever. I suspect he may be trying to bury his assets by transferring them into the kids names or something along those lines? I can’t think why else he would need their passports unless it’s a control thing? I don’t think he’d take them abroad. He would never cope with our daughter on his own and he knows this.

I have decided to get myself some legal advice next week about putting a declared financial interest in the house he owns and separating us financially because if he goes bankrupt or runs up debts I’m worried I’m still liable as I’m legally still married to him.

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Old 06-09-2019, 06:00 PM
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Hey Rainingbuttons, good on you for getting right on your son's bank account. I'm horrified that he took money but sounds like it could have been worse.

Also congrats on keeping that door locked and not cleaning up his mess. This is hard to do for most of us. It sounds like a locked door between you and him is a really good thing.
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Old 06-10-2019, 06:43 AM
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Good grief. This man is a piece of work. I do say he will be going down the rabbit hole sooner than later. It's HIS CHOICE to live the way he is, do not feel guilty or sympathy for that.

Yes, please do whatever you have to do to separate yourself financially from this man. And protect your children's assets as well. He should be ashamed.

I am so sorry you are dealing with this, but it sounds like you are taking the right steps!

Huge hugs!
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