Ah48192

I divorced 2 years ago. My exah moved to another state last year to be with the ow. He went to jail overnight ust before moving. He just got his 2nd dui. I had cut contact with him in January. He text me 2 weeks ago that he's going to therapy and AA and sober for 38 days. I'm torn. Do I continue communication if that helps him with his sobriety? Or do I cut contact again?

trailmix

Hi Ah48192.

He has only been sober just over 3 weeks, he just got another DUI. I'm guessing the other woman is now out of the picture and he is looking for someone to help him?

I'm also going to guess that is the role you fought to get out of 2 years ago.

Sounds like dangerous territory to me.

I think the question is, what possible good would come from this, for you? You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it. His sobriety is something he needs to look after on his own.

Ah48192

Hi Trail mix. He still lives with the OW. She actually takes him to and from work now. I tried to stay in the marriage. Stayed 20 years. But he refused to quit cheating. I don't want to risk my own progress in recovering from being with an alcoholic. I also want him to succeed not just for himself but for our 2 grown sons.

FeelingGreat

There seem to be 2 issues here. One is alcoholism, and he's just started his journey of recovery. Time will tell whether he relapses. The other is that he cheats. You know he cheated on you, and now he's texting you, (I assume) without the OWs knowledge.

It seems like he's setting you up as a future option. If you're at all vulnerable around him I suggest you keep well away. As for your sons, their relationship with their father is up to them.

His sobriety is no longer your concern, so wish him well and block his number.

Sleepyhollo

How will it help his sobriety? That is not your responsibility. I would not keep in touch. He has got his SO at home. Let her deal with it. Put your sanity first. Maybe once he has been a year sober and truly recovered you can reconsider. 38 days is a start but not that meaningful as far a longtemps recovery is concerned. He is just looking for sympathy right now or maybe for hairpats because he is attempting g recovery. Also, if he is getttign sober just for the DUI who knows if it will last. I’d be very skeptic until he has proven himself much longer term. Doesn’t sound like you have any reason to be in touch with him (like kids) so I would stay clear of him.

trailmix

I hope he succeeds as well, but your being involved isn't really going to have any bearing on that.

You were married to him for 20 years. I'm going to guess he drank during those 20 years and you asked him to quit? Encouraged him to quit and perhaps tried to help him? You already know the result of that.

There is no good in you getting involved in his latest drama.

There is a book called Codependent no more, by Melody Beattie (not saying you are codependent by the way). You can buy it from Amazon or it may be available at your library. It is often recommended on this forum as it is a good guide to boundaries etc.

That is a good boundary right there. You will not risk your own well-being by being involved in the life of an alcoholic. That's a healthy boundary for you to have because you know it doesn't work for you.

You have zero responsibility when it comes to whether or not he gets sober and how that will affect (or not) his relationship with your Sons.

SparkleKitty

FallenAngelina

~ Amen ~

Always ask yourself first, "Do I continue communication if that helps me with my serenity?" Whether he has an SO in his life or not, no matter what he is up to, ask yourself this question above all others. Struggling to help someone with their sobriety never works. We can only ever love people and perhaps inspire them to think in healthier ways by thinking healthier ourselves, but nobody can put their own serenity aside and help someone at the same time. This goes for just about everything in life, I have learned. We really cannot help anyone else when we are coming at it from a worried or fearful place. A calm and peaceful presence is what helps others and perhaps that is one reason that AA works so well.


A huge factor in addiction is secrecy. If he is newly sober, he hasn't even begun to address why he feels compelled to keep secrets. Hopefully, he will address this in recovery, but it's deep dark stuff and likely a long time coming if he is to learn how to live a totally honest life. Outright lies are easier to spot, but secrets and lying by omission are much murkier. Secrets are a huge part of addiction and codependency.

Ah48192

I've actually read that book. Thank You!

Ah48192

Thank you

Ah48192

Thank you