Guilt & Grief
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 3
Guilt & Grief
Greetings,
New here, so please forgive me if this post is in the wrong location and for it's length. I just really needed to write it all out, not just because of my guilt, but perhaps in a futile attempt to make sense of it all.
My mother was recently diagnosed with late stage cirrhosis and hepatic encephalopathy. She is in palliative care now and the focus is purely on helping her pass comfortably.
Her drinking began when I was in my preteens. I never gave it much thought then as it was only a few glasses of wine after a workday. She never got sloppy, but she did have a short fuse at times which I just contributed to the frustration of being a single mom raising two boys.
Later in my teens she began drinking whiskey. This change I suppose was due in part to my stepdad at the time who drank nothing but Windsor Canadian. It was her third-marriage, which sadly ended as the others did.
Unfortunately the whiskey was now a daily staple in her life she couldn't do without.
Life went on, my brother and I were married & had kids. She loved her grandkids and took every opportunity she could to see them or speak to them. This changed when she started to be very visibly drunk on nearly every visit.
It was at this time that she began calling with excuses for missing visits, holidays etc....which broke our children's hearts. She ended up losing her job at the time and she never really told us what happened, we hated to assume it, but we knew it was caused by her alcohol abuse.
Everything came to a head on a Thanksgiving around 4 years ago. We came down to visit, kids in tow ( we live several hours drive) and found a shell of the woman who raised me...she was skin and bones, and the house was in unlivable condition. Garbage piled up in the living room, dishes piled up covered in mold and cobwebs, her dog was shitting and pissing all over the house. We spent our Thanksgiving that year cleaning and shampooing carpets. Being horrified and worried about her well being, I called my brother for an impromptu intervention that night, which included him and our wives.
We forced her to be seen that night at the hospital, she was barely eating and severely dehydrated. She agreed to get help and quit drinking. For awhile she looked better, she seemed like my mother again, I told her how proud and happy I was for her, but it didn't last.
She began a vicious cycle of binging until hospitalization was needed and checking out against Dr's orders. Half the time we'd never know she was in the hospital until after the fact or until she went missing and turned up in a hospital. She'd rarely speak of her health or what dr's found during her stays, when she did, she'd downplay it as no big deal. I know now she was in deep denial.
My Uncles ( her brothers) eventually turned their backs, they decided they would no longer help her as she'd clearly shown she did not want help. We continued keeping in touch with her as much as we could. I won't lie, there are many times I just couldnt bare to pick up that phone....I was so angry & disappointed with her.
Now here we are, present day. She pulled another disappearing act and my brother found her in the hospital. However this time we were told she wouldn't be leaving and I should come down right away.
When I arrived, she was in a confused semi-concious state and was totally yellow from liver failure....shaking uncontrollably. I lost it almost immediately, I honestly haven't cried that hard since I was a child...all I could do was hold her hand and bawl my eyes out.
She's stable and in palliative care now.
The guilt has been pretty bad since then. I know I tried to help her, but I keep feeling like I could've done more. I feel responsible, I feel like I failed her.....she was hurting and there's nothing I could do to stop it. I start thinking about all the scenarios when I was younger through adulthood where I could've done something or said something.
I know that it's normal to self-blame....i just think about her hurting constantly and I just can't seem to accept that there's nothing I could've done.
New here, so please forgive me if this post is in the wrong location and for it's length. I just really needed to write it all out, not just because of my guilt, but perhaps in a futile attempt to make sense of it all.
My mother was recently diagnosed with late stage cirrhosis and hepatic encephalopathy. She is in palliative care now and the focus is purely on helping her pass comfortably.
Her drinking began when I was in my preteens. I never gave it much thought then as it was only a few glasses of wine after a workday. She never got sloppy, but she did have a short fuse at times which I just contributed to the frustration of being a single mom raising two boys.
Later in my teens she began drinking whiskey. This change I suppose was due in part to my stepdad at the time who drank nothing but Windsor Canadian. It was her third-marriage, which sadly ended as the others did.
Unfortunately the whiskey was now a daily staple in her life she couldn't do without.
Life went on, my brother and I were married & had kids. She loved her grandkids and took every opportunity she could to see them or speak to them. This changed when she started to be very visibly drunk on nearly every visit.
It was at this time that she began calling with excuses for missing visits, holidays etc....which broke our children's hearts. She ended up losing her job at the time and she never really told us what happened, we hated to assume it, but we knew it was caused by her alcohol abuse.
Everything came to a head on a Thanksgiving around 4 years ago. We came down to visit, kids in tow ( we live several hours drive) and found a shell of the woman who raised me...she was skin and bones, and the house was in unlivable condition. Garbage piled up in the living room, dishes piled up covered in mold and cobwebs, her dog was shitting and pissing all over the house. We spent our Thanksgiving that year cleaning and shampooing carpets. Being horrified and worried about her well being, I called my brother for an impromptu intervention that night, which included him and our wives.
We forced her to be seen that night at the hospital, she was barely eating and severely dehydrated. She agreed to get help and quit drinking. For awhile she looked better, she seemed like my mother again, I told her how proud and happy I was for her, but it didn't last.
She began a vicious cycle of binging until hospitalization was needed and checking out against Dr's orders. Half the time we'd never know she was in the hospital until after the fact or until she went missing and turned up in a hospital. She'd rarely speak of her health or what dr's found during her stays, when she did, she'd downplay it as no big deal. I know now she was in deep denial.
My Uncles ( her brothers) eventually turned their backs, they decided they would no longer help her as she'd clearly shown she did not want help. We continued keeping in touch with her as much as we could. I won't lie, there are many times I just couldnt bare to pick up that phone....I was so angry & disappointed with her.
Now here we are, present day. She pulled another disappearing act and my brother found her in the hospital. However this time we were told she wouldn't be leaving and I should come down right away.
When I arrived, she was in a confused semi-concious state and was totally yellow from liver failure....shaking uncontrollably. I lost it almost immediately, I honestly haven't cried that hard since I was a child...all I could do was hold her hand and bawl my eyes out.
She's stable and in palliative care now.
The guilt has been pretty bad since then. I know I tried to help her, but I keep feeling like I could've done more. I feel responsible, I feel like I failed her.....she was hurting and there's nothing I could do to stop it. I start thinking about all the scenarios when I was younger through adulthood where I could've done something or said something.
I know that it's normal to self-blame....i just think about her hurting constantly and I just can't seem to accept that there's nothing I could've done.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 3
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty 
Accepting that we are not stronger than addiction is not an event, but a journey.
You are not alone; you've found good company here.
You are not alone; you've found good company here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 3
Originally Posted by rescuer
I am so sorry for what you are going through.
You didn't fail her; there was nothing you could have done to control her drinking.
Sending you strength and peace.
You didn't fail her; there was nothing you could have done to control her drinking.
Sending you strength and peace.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by Espresso911
The guilt has been pretty bad since then. I know I tried to help her, but I keep feeling like I could've done more. I feel responsible, I feel like I failed her.....she was hurting and there's nothing I could do to stop it. I start thinking about all the scenarios when I was younger through adulthood where I could've done something or said something.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 182
You have been on a path that so many have been on before, unfortunately we can not control those who don't want help. Your not responsible for your mother, AlAnon can help you work through the feelings that you have and give you great first hand experience support and advice. I regret not going earlyer than I did.
thanks for sharing, Action
thanks for sharing, Action
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
feeling responsible for the decisions and outcomes of others is not uncommon in ACOAs. however, we are simply do not have the power to cure or change others. especially when the other refuses help.
be with her now. assure she rests easy and in no pain. i am sorry you have to go thru this. i've been there, almost exactly there.
be with her now. assure she rests easy and in no pain. i am sorry you have to go thru this. i've been there, almost exactly there.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
The guilt has been pretty bad since then. I know I tried to help her, but I keep feeling like I could've done more. I feel responsible, I feel like I failed her.....she was hurting and there's nothing I could do to stop it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
Sorry for what you are going through.
Truly, you couldn't have done more. As sparklekitty mentioned, this will take time to accept.
Learning more about addiction might be helpful to you. Alcohol alters the brain, addiction is really very tough to overcome.
At the end of the day, your Mom is an adult, she made choices, choices that don't really work for you, but that's not your responsibility and that's not your burden to take on. I kind of think of it as being respectful.
If she had called you and seriously asked for your help, if she had called and said she needed help getting in to a rehab facility, but she didn't.
You had a mini-intervention, she accepted some help, she was on the road to being well and she chose not to pursue that. That is her right as an adult (whether anyone else likes it or not).
Please know my comments are not intended as harsh at all.
Truly, you couldn't have done more. As sparklekitty mentioned, this will take time to accept.
Learning more about addiction might be helpful to you. Alcohol alters the brain, addiction is really very tough to overcome.
At the end of the day, your Mom is an adult, she made choices, choices that don't really work for you, but that's not your responsibility and that's not your burden to take on. I kind of think of it as being respectful.
If she had called you and seriously asked for your help, if she had called and said she needed help getting in to a rehab facility, but she didn't.
You had a mini-intervention, she accepted some help, she was on the road to being well and she chose not to pursue that. That is her right as an adult (whether anyone else likes it or not).
Please know my comments are not intended as harsh at all.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 10
Originally Posted by Espresso911
Greetings,.
The guilt has been pretty bad since then. I know I tried to help her, but I keep feeling like I could've done more. I feel responsible, I feel like I failed her.....she was hurting and there's nothing I could do to stop it. I start thinking about all the scenarios when I was younger through adulthood where I could've done something or said something.
I know that it's normal to self-blame....i just think about her hurting constantly and I just can't seem to accept that there's nothing I could've done.
The guilt has been pretty bad since then. I know I tried to help her, but I keep feeling like I could've done more. I feel responsible, I feel like I failed her.....she was hurting and there's nothing I could do to stop it. I start thinking about all the scenarios when I was younger through adulthood where I could've done something or said something.
I know that it's normal to self-blame....i just think about her hurting constantly and I just can't seem to accept that there's nothing I could've done.
Thank you for sharing your story. It resonates with me strongly. Mum died in 2015 from alcohol auction, dad in 2017 from organ failure due to alcohol. It was horrific. Following mums death I was wracked with guilt. I tried to get her out of the highly toxic life she was living with dad but there was nothing I could do, she wouldn't have left anyway, she expected dad to leave.
I had some counseling which helped a lot though I'm a work in progress, I'm not where I want to be yet, but in doing pretty well considering.
My dad ended up in a similar condition to your mum and I had similar experiences with visiting the house, finding it in a disgusting state, one or both parents missing in hospital. Cleaning the house, visiting them in hospital, getting food in etc only for it to happen again and again.
I'm sorry for what you're going through and how it makes you feel, you're not alone in feeling that way. I know now that I made mistakes and could have done things differently, but I couldn't have changed the big picture.
I hope you find some peace.
Jon
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I am so sorry.
Please know and remember the three C's:
You did not Cause it, you cannot Control it, and you cannot Cure it.
If any of us had the power to make our loved ones well, I have no doubt every single one of us would have done it. The reality is it just cannot be done.
Sending you huge hugs.
Please know and remember the three C's:
You did not Cause it, you cannot Control it, and you cannot Cure it.
If any of us had the power to make our loved ones well, I have no doubt every single one of us would have done it. The reality is it just cannot be done.
Sending you huge hugs.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: California
Posts: 143
Hi, I just want to thank you for sharing your story and offer one more reply of support. This forum is such a supportive environment with people full of wisdom, warmth, and encouragement- I hope you can visit here often. I’m so sorry for your loss.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
