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Old 04-16-2019, 04:16 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Toxic relationship and codependent


Can one live with a toxic person and not be influenced by how they are making you feel? Can you ignore your own feelings and recover from codependency?
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Old 04-16-2019, 04:27 PM   #2 (permalink)
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hearthealth….I say a very strong "NO".
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Old 04-16-2019, 04:40 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Why would anyone want to?
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Old 04-16-2019, 06:52 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Can one live with a toxic person and not be influenced by how they are making you feel? Can you ignore your own feelings and recover from codependency?
Honestly, I don't think so. It's a contradiction.

Part of being non-codependent is about honoring your feelings. Your feelings are important and have meaning. It's about standing firm in who you are.
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Old 04-16-2019, 07:13 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Maybe this is a normal relationship and I'm too selfish. Maybe I'm asking for too much.
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Old 04-16-2019, 07:35 PM   #6 (permalink)
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You are not asking too much from a relationship, but over the long term it seems to have proven out that it is too much to expect from him.

It is okay to be unhappy in a marriage without it being a critical failure on anyone’s part. You have a right to happiness, HH. You are a human being. No one is demanding that you force your beautiful square self into the round hole of an unfulfilling marriage.
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Old 04-16-2019, 07:48 PM   #7 (permalink)
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if you were renting a room in your house to a boarder, what type of expectations would you have on their behavior and actions in your home?

why should someone we happen to be married to not have to meet those minimum requirements? we teach our children to say please and thank you.
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Old 04-17-2019, 01:41 AM   #8 (permalink)
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hearthealth…..I am wondering if you m ight be fearing that the rest of the world, including your husband will see y ou as the "blackhat" and him as the whitehat...if you separate.....?
I am just spitballing, again...but, I do know that some people fear being "blamed" if there is a divorce...even if it wasn't their fault, at all.....
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Old 04-17-2019, 03:26 AM   #9 (permalink)
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If I ended this marriage I'd still be alone.

I can in vision being more social but in reality I'm not an outgoing person.
If I was alone I'd still have no one to talk to.
If I was alone I still wouldn't have that human touch.
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Old 04-17-2019, 03:48 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Being alone within a relationship is a lot lonelier than being single I can promise you that. All you achieve by staying is keeping yourself from the possibility of future fulfillment, and demonstrate to your children what a marriage is supposed to be.

it sounds like you have a lot of work to do on your relationship with yourself, HH, before you will believe that you deserve better.
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Old 04-17-2019, 05:15 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Can one live with a toxic person and not be influenced by how they are making you feel? I suppose one can learn not to take another's behavior personally, to understand that their behavior has more to do with them than you. We learn not to always ACT on our feelings; you can't hit your sibling because he grabbed your toy, it's pretty stupid to ram you car into the one whose owner cut you off. But what you describe, living with someone who discounts you, sounds exhausting. Oh wait, it IS exhausting, I lived that.

Can you ignore your own feelings and recover from codependency?

I believe when one recovers from codependency, one no longer accepts that as a norm. One would limit or sever the relationship and seek out healthy ones.


I spent a couple years in therapy. It wasn't mind-bogglingly effective, but it did give me a different way to think of things. Maybe he wasn't into labels, maybe he wasn't a fan of diagnosing everything as a syndrome. He asked why I stayed with AH. I couldn't answer right away, but he prodded and said, "You're getting some kind of payback, you're getting something from this, even if you don't want to say what it is. " My reasons were similar to yours. I'd be alone. I didn't want to admit a whirlwind courtship and marriage was a mistake. I feared the financial fallout from leaving.

So, in the end, staying was a decision. Not a great one, but I own that. I was unhappy enough to plan leaving (he was diagnosed with a fatal disease the day I made up my mind) And a couple years before that, was so unhappy I considered suicide.
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Old 04-17-2019, 05:22 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hearthealth View Post
Maybe this is a normal relationship and I'm too selfish. Maybe I'm asking for too much.
In all honesty, a healthy thinker would not wonder about this.




Quote:
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Can you ignore your own feelings and recover from codependency?
Absolutely not.

Recovery from codependence is all about honoring our values and our feelings and taking responsibility for what is happening in our lives. There is no recovery at all without deep introspection about why we are having our feelings. Perhaps you are confusing "ignoring your own feelings" with loving detachment. Loving detachment (which we learn in recovery) is not ignoring how we feel, nor is it turning a blind eye to unwanted behavior nor steeling ourselves against hurtful people. It's about learning to let people be what they choose to be and not struggling (even in our minds) to change them. Loving detachment is about finding our own inner source of peace and not asking others to provide "good behavior" so that we can have that peace. Honoring our feelings is a big part of learning how to cultivate our own inner source of tranquility so that we can then make choices from a peaceful place instead of a fearful place (AKA: recovery.)


A part of you is ready to think differently and perhaps do differently, that's why you're asking these questions. If you weren't ready to think and do something different, you would not ask questions at all. Are you in a recovery/wellness program?
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Old 04-17-2019, 05:37 AM   #13 (permalink)
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hearthealth……(more spitballing)…..could it be that you are dealing with social anxiety.....? with, maybe, a layer of low self esteem and self confidence...?
If so, these things can be dealt with....

For what it is worth....if one has the feeling of lonliness….that is not basic introversion...
If a person is invited to a gathering...and would like to go, but, is afraid/anxious about going..that is social anxiety....
If one is invited to a party and just doesn't want to go, and would much prefer to take a bath and read a book....that is introversion....
Introverts don't stay at home and complain of lonliness….they like being alone....
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Old 04-17-2019, 05:53 AM   #14 (permalink)
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No of course they will impact the way you feel mentally, emotionally, psychologically and research shows that due to the release of 'flight or fight' hormones, it affects us physically too. Increase of cortisol, the stress hormone, etc leading to other health and stress related problems. A toxic relationship can kill.
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Old 04-17-2019, 06:39 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Being alone is so much better than being lonely.

Being alone gives us a chance for a happy future. It allows us to find ourselves again. It brings peace and stability. It offers far more then I ever realized.
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Old 04-17-2019, 06:43 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Maybe this is a normal relationship and I'm too selfish. Maybe I'm asking for too much.
I am sharing this that I posted (viola71 was my first username) in another users thread entitled Flipflop. this exercise was so very helpful to me, and I did it in general not with a specific individual in mind. Thought it might be helpful-

Thank you for this post. I struggle with this daily and question my sanity daily. My sister made me write down on paper what I want out of life including what I want with a spouse/relationship. What I saw when I was done was basic human needs it was shocking to me being in black and white. I wasn't even getting basic needs met and I didn't actually write down anything beyond that like a "normal" person might. Yet still I needed your post and to read all the replies today to make me trust myself. You are not crazy, you are not alone.
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Old 04-17-2019, 06:45 AM   #17 (permalink)
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Being alone within a relationship is a lot lonelier than being single I can promise you that. All you achieve by staying is keeping yourself from the possibility of future fulfillment, and demonstrate to your children what a marriage is supposed to be.

it sounds like you have a lot of work to do on your relationship with yourself, HH, before you will believe that you deserve better.
This.
You know your present misery, but you cannot "know" the future.
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Only action can do that."


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Old 04-17-2019, 09:14 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Hearthealth…….do you remember the episode when your l0yr. old was fishing with some friends on the river.....? And....how you enjoyed socializing with the "normal" parents.....and, then you contrasted this with being with your unpleasant behaving husband....
You said that you actually felt like you had made a friend.....
Maybe, go back and read your thread of 10/28/2016...titled "Socializing".....

Based on that...I think you DO have the ability to make friends....
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Old 04-17-2019, 12:12 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Being alone within a relationship is a lot lonelier than being single I can promise you that. All you achieve by staying is keeping yourself from the possibility of future fulfillment, and demonstrate to your children what a marriage is supposed to be.

^^^^NO TRUER WORDS HAVE BEEN SPOKEN!!! the pain of actually being alone after losing your partner is nothing compared to the pain of feeling alone (while in the room, house , marriage whatever) with your partner. Not even close. At least that has been my experience. -

One of my favorite mantras is : "You can be happy or you can be miserable, the amount of work is the same"
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Old 04-17-2019, 01:24 PM   #20 (permalink)
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I don't attend alanon anymore. I walked into a codependent meeting but left without even sitting down. The location was just weird. It's interesting a comment about introverts. My H describes himself as an introvert and never wants to go out. I on the other hand is missing out on relationships and love doing things vs complaining of activities.
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