Toxic relationship and codependent
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
I think you can't truly know how freeing it is until you do it.
Being in a toxic relationship affects you, your mood, the mood in the house, your self-esteem.
Now even if you enter the relationship with pretty strong self-esteem, being around someone who is mostly negative can really start to chip away at it and sometimes you don't even realize it's happening until you realize it's happening! You start to doubt yourself etc and then go hang on, where is that coming from?
Also, if you are in a toxic relationship there is bound to be stress. This, of course, affects you mentally and physically. The result of that is that even when doing things you enjoy, they aren't as enjoyable and you aren't as sunny as you might be because you are carrying this burden around.
Living alone gives you the option of being around people as much as you like. Bored at home? Call someone up for coffee or go to a gallery or look and see what's on this weekend, a festival? How about bingo or other activities where a lot of people gather that like to chit chat.
Pottery making class, events at the library or museum. Meetup - for everything from nature walks to board game nights or live music events and dance or language classes.
There are tons of single people out there doing all kinds of activities and making friends.
But if staying home watching netflix is a good idea tonight, you can just do that (with no one hounding you).
Being in a toxic relationship affects you, your mood, the mood in the house, your self-esteem.
Now even if you enter the relationship with pretty strong self-esteem, being around someone who is mostly negative can really start to chip away at it and sometimes you don't even realize it's happening until you realize it's happening! You start to doubt yourself etc and then go hang on, where is that coming from?
Also, if you are in a toxic relationship there is bound to be stress. This, of course, affects you mentally and physically. The result of that is that even when doing things you enjoy, they aren't as enjoyable and you aren't as sunny as you might be because you are carrying this burden around.
Living alone gives you the option of being around people as much as you like. Bored at home? Call someone up for coffee or go to a gallery or look and see what's on this weekend, a festival? How about bingo or other activities where a lot of people gather that like to chit chat.
Pottery making class, events at the library or museum. Meetup - for everything from nature walks to board game nights or live music events and dance or language classes.
There are tons of single people out there doing all kinds of activities and making friends.
But if staying home watching netflix is a good idea tonight, you can just do that (with no one hounding you).
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
staying in a toxic relationship is like being locked in a small room with mmmmbop by The Hanson Brothers on an endless loop. or I"m a Barbie Girl by Aqua. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZyhrYis509A
all you know is you want it to STOP.
all you know is you want it to STOP.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Ditto: "why would you want to?" No one on earth has the right to diminish you in any way, there is no excuse. This codependent found Alanon a huge help in breaking the bonds of a toxic relationship.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
Originally Posted by hopeful4 
Your gut will always be screaming at you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,423
Staying in a toxic situation literally makes you physically sick over time.
Listen to your gut hearthealth--they say the gut is the second brain, and it actually comes from the same fetal tissue cells as the brain.
It won't steer you wrong where the "rational" mind will.
Listen to your gut hearthealth--they say the gut is the second brain, and it actually comes from the same fetal tissue cells as the brain.
It won't steer you wrong where the "rational" mind will.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
you know, at least you have a full grown adult mind, with contacts and resources to manage your way thru a toxic relationship with an alcoholic. the children however do not. they are as stuck as stuck can get. and neither parent seems willing to change.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 78
The only thing that we have done right so far with our adult son addict was kicking him out of the house when he turned 18.
We have been manipulated by him on many many other fronts, that have eventually ended thanks to him continuously burning bridges, but remaining in our house wasn't one of them.
It wasn't for a lack of trying on his part though. There were several times of the past four years when he would call us crying that he wanted to come home, that he would change. I must admit that we did consider it, briefly, but in the end stuck to our guns and told him that it would not be in his better interests or ours to come home.
Almost immediately the ranting, raving addict would reappear and we would breathe a sigh of relief knowing that we dodged a bullet. Him ever coming back would be inviting a predictable disaster into our home.
We have been manipulated by him on many many other fronts, that have eventually ended thanks to him continuously burning bridges, but remaining in our house wasn't one of them.
It wasn't for a lack of trying on his part though. There were several times of the past four years when he would call us crying that he wanted to come home, that he would change. I must admit that we did consider it, briefly, but in the end stuck to our guns and told him that it would not be in his better interests or ours to come home.
Almost immediately the ranting, raving addict would reappear and we would breathe a sigh of relief knowing that we dodged a bullet. Him ever coming back would be inviting a predictable disaster into our home.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 78
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
Almost immediately the ranting, raving addict would reappear
yeah....wanna know the true motivation of the addict?
say NO.
and then get yourself behind something fireproof.
yeah....wanna know the true motivation of the addict?
say NO.
and then get yourself behind something fireproof.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Raleigh, NC
Posts: 9
I had a great friend in Alanon. He was able to work the program and continued to live with his AW. I was very impressed that he could do this. I was not able to work the program while living with my AH. I was too angry and resentful. Anyway, it took me years to divorce him even after I got him to move out. My good friend ended up with cancer and after so many years of treatment and recovery it came back with a vengance and he died. I believe to this day that his living situation caused him stress and he internalized it. His son also became just like his wife. His daughter left home as soon as she graduated from HS so she could get out of the situation. I believe if he had made different choices he would still be alive! Stress will make you sick. Living with a toxic person will make you sick.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 43
Now even if you enter the relationship with pretty strong self-esteem, being around someone who is mostly negative can really start to chip away at it and sometimes you don't even realize it's happening until you realize it's happening! You start to doubt yourself etc and then go hang on, where is that coming from?
This is so true. I thought I came into the relationship with pretty okay self-esteem. Not the greatest but okay. I had a great job, fast tracking to a great career. I had a great relationship with my family too. But something happened and I’m honestly I can’t put the blame on my AH. Something happened in/with me. The strain of the relationship impacted my physical and mental health; was and am tearful at the drop of a hat. I’m always on edge. I’m walking on eggshells at home. The “go getter” of the department became a high performer who then became average at best. I can’t focus. In many ways, I became more distant from my family as well because I was told that I was “too close” to them. I don’t know what the truth is anymore. This is what toxic relationships do.
This is so true. I thought I came into the relationship with pretty okay self-esteem. Not the greatest but okay. I had a great job, fast tracking to a great career. I had a great relationship with my family too. But something happened and I’m honestly I can’t put the blame on my AH. Something happened in/with me. The strain of the relationship impacted my physical and mental health; was and am tearful at the drop of a hat. I’m always on edge. I’m walking on eggshells at home. The “go getter” of the department became a high performer who then became average at best. I can’t focus. In many ways, I became more distant from my family as well because I was told that I was “too close” to them. I don’t know what the truth is anymore. This is what toxic relationships do.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Such a true statement. I knew I had to get out when I started getting help and taking a good, hard look at myself and realizing I had changed into someone I did not want to be. Living with that kind of stress does definitely do bad things to you mentally and physically.
Originally Posted by Piperdream
Now even if you enter the relationship with pretty strong self-esteem, being around someone who is mostly negative can really start to chip away at it and sometimes you don't even realize it's happening until you realize it's happening! You start to doubt yourself etc and then go hang on, where is that coming from?
This is so true. I thought I came into the relationship with pretty okay self-esteem. Not the greatest but okay. I had a great job, fast tracking to a great career. I had a great relationship with my family too. But something happened and I’m honestly I can’t put the blame on my AH. Something happened in/with me. The strain of the relationship impacted my physical and mental health; was and am tearful at the drop of a hat. I’m always on edge. I’m walking on eggshells at home. The “go getter” of the department became a high performer who then became average at best. I can’t focus. In many ways, I became more distant from my family as well because I was told that I was “too close” to them. I don’t know what the truth is anymore. This is what toxic relationships do.
This is so true. I thought I came into the relationship with pretty okay self-esteem. Not the greatest but okay. I had a great job, fast tracking to a great career. I had a great relationship with my family too. But something happened and I’m honestly I can’t put the blame on my AH. Something happened in/with me. The strain of the relationship impacted my physical and mental health; was and am tearful at the drop of a hat. I’m always on edge. I’m walking on eggshells at home. The “go getter” of the department became a high performer who then became average at best. I can’t focus. In many ways, I became more distant from my family as well because I was told that I was “too close” to them. I don’t know what the truth is anymore. This is what toxic relationships do.
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