AutumnMama

I got a phone call from a neighbor inviting my son and I to come over on Easter and do an egg hunt with her grandchildren and some other neighborhood children. I said--great--fun! Then she decided it was a good opportunity to suggest a specific marriage counselor for husband and I. (The whole street knows we separated, but not why, it's just obvious that I'm the only one living there I guess). I told her I've been there, done that. She just kept going on and on about this therapist and maybe I wanted to go to her myself (no thanks, I have two therapists right now) and maybe my husband would be interested (I'll pass it on).

Then she implied that she was concerned for my son. She's older and may have the "STAY TOGETHER FOR THE KIDS ALWAYS" mentality? I don't know.

Granted, she knows nothing about WHY my husband moved out and WHY we aren't getting back together. I am too nice to go around blabbing that to anyone but my closest friends.

Something about that conversation sent me into a mental spiral of "am I screwing up my son?" "Should I try to convince my husband to go to marriage counseling again?". That spiral always ends up circling around the thought "am I making a big deal about this? Am I exaggerating? Am I crazy?"

I've been doing so well lately! It's so easy to slip back into that... but at least I can recognize it now. It's just frustrating that everyone else (besides my friends) thinks that he is just great and nothing seems wrong with him. It's crazy-making.

Mango212

Hi AutumnMama,

I hear you!!


Four things come to mind:

- You are strong, brave, kind and thoughtful.

- This thread about bouncing back from rejection: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...rejection.html

- Your kids are really lucky to have you for their mom.

- One healthy parent is important.

FallenAngelina

Ask anyone who grew up with an alcoholic parent whether it would have been better not to have lived with him/her. Truly, attend a few ACOA AlAnon meetings and meet people who were subjected to active alcoholism all of their formative years, then you will have an answer that will keep you from spiraling into indecision. The opinions of others will carry less and less weight, the more you know what the lifelong consequences of alcoholic parenting are.

AutumnMama

Yeah, both my parents are alcoholics. My dad left when I was a toddler and my mom was fine and then went off the deep end when I was in middle school. I used to pray that my aunt & uncle would notice something was wrong and come rescue me.

But... they were so blatantly screwed up. My dad was in and out of jail, homeless, etc. My mom was pouring shots for my 12 year old friends and staying out at bars until late at night.

My husband supposedly quit drinking, and has evidently moved onto something else. But he's so smart, and I have found no smoking gun, so I'm just grasping at circumstantial evidence. Like my body KNOWS something is wrong, but my mind is having a hard time 100% agreeing because I don't have "THE PROOF". It's stupid. I should just trust myself. I mean he took out $1000 out of ATMs last week. For what? I don't know. But no one needs that much cash for anything above board.

Sorry I'm rambling. I think I'm just working this out in my brain again for the 100th time.

codieinSC

AutumnMama

Well, as life would have it, after I posted this I got an email from our CPA with our tax filings. My husband sold a large amount of stock last year so we ended up owing money. I asked... what's up with this, man? He acknowledged that owing money wasn't my fault, and said that he would assume we would have gotten a similar return to last year and give me half of that amount to 'make things right'

But then he said that he would have to sell his truck (used on the ranch, not daily driver) to get that money, and he "didnt know where it was" because he took it in for a repair and the guy won't call him back.......

okay....

Well life handed me an answer to the "are you over reacting?" question...

(and my appt with my attorney to file is in two weeks. don't worry I'm keeping track of everything)

velma929

My dad was a functional alcoholic. he really was. Things didn't start to devolve until he retired, though maybe being young, there were signs before that I didn't notice.

Anyway, meeting a man my own age who drank *a lot*didn't phase me. (Cause dad drank a lot) I thought he'd grow out of it. I thought I'd never find another man who'd fall in love with me. I married him. He didn't grow out of it, of course.I was forty, and Dad was 76 when he had his first and only DUI.

By separating, you're teaching your kids to expect better from their partners/spouses. People who poke their noses into your affairs to suggest a specific counselor: the mind boggles at how intrusive and none-of-their-business this is. My only suggestion is to pause for a second or two, stare at her stonily, and say, very quietly, "That's just not possible." It's important NOT to elaborate on why it's not possible, as specific objections generate specific remedies.

FeelingGreat

Auntie Mama!!! What a childhood. Give yourself a huge pat on the back for turning out like you did.

I remember when I split with my H a relative said 'It's the kids I feel sorry for'. I fumed silently to myself. Time has a way of taking care of moralisers and busy bodies though. Her son ended up in jail and the rest behave in all sorts of ways she used to disapprove of (nice people, just not her cookie cutter citizens). Mine have become very successful happy adults and I'm very friendly with my Ex and his wife.

Trust your own judgement. You know what you're doing.

hopeful4

Oh friend, TUNE IT ALL OUT!!!!

If I have found out anything about people in all of this, is that everyone has an opinion and they love to make you listen to it, even when you don't want to.

There is absolutely no way anyone can look at your life and decide what is best for you or your son. You know what you have went through. You did not come to this lightly or do this by your choosing, it is a situation that was given to you to deal with, and that is what you are doing.

Don't let anyone else's opinions make you back slide. Upwards and onwards friend!

Huge, huge hugs!

trailmix

Well she's either one of those controlling people or she was trying to tell you something about your Son? Did you ask her why or was she just very vague?

Who knows, your Son saying - My Dad doesn't live at our house anymore - might seem to her to be a HUGE problem that she can just get in there and fix!

I'm just throwing that out there btw, I have no idea what she is normally like.