Peace, Finally!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Wichita, KS
Posts: 19
Peace, Finally!
It's been a long time since I've posted here, but I have a 1 year anniversary coming up, and I'd like to share a little of that journey with you.
As you're all painfully familiar with, dealing with addicts isn't easy, it's HARD! All too frequently, these relationships collapse into physical abuse in addition to all the other forms of abuse that is ongoing as long as you're in that relationship. Mine did.
I kept trying to get out, I meant it when I said I wanted out, and couldn't seem to accomplish it. Naturally, they come running back to "Love Bomb" you and it's off to the races once again!
I got to where I was embarrassed and ashamed, didn't even want to talk about it anymore. So, I set this forum down and began to work.
I am now pleased to say "I DID IT!!!" I got away! It will be one full year this April 28 or so of zero contact (on my part). There were run-ins with legal issues, but sometimes the law is your friend.
It was NOT easy. It was hard. But it was less hard than staying. I had my phone blowing up with a mix of oh, baby! and you-------fill in the blank. My house was broken into, my power tools stolen, my car sabotaged to where it seized up the engine. I kept finding boxes of gifts on my front porch meaning he was sneaking over here at night, my gas grill broken, the tank stolen, and he even had the nerve to file charges on ME saying I was stalking him. Course, phone records proved otherwise.
There were other things as well such as trouble making for me like calling a complaint into the city enforcement officer to complain about the tree limbs my daughter was helping me cut so I could get some sun in my yard, and other things also.
Every time I turned around, it was something different, some form of malicious torture. But, I held my ground, pushed back legally, and I just found out a couple of days ago that he's on house arrest. We are still dealing with court issues like violating personal protection orders, no trespassing orders, court orders.
In the mean time, the cost wasn't just the things I mentioned above, but the cost was to my health also. I developed uncontrollable high blood pressure and am in the early stages of heart failure. None of the meds were helping and I'm on several. My heart is damaged, and I had a stroke in one of my legs. One of the arteries closed up and I had to have surgery, but the leg is still numb. I can walk, but not very far.
When I learned about him being on house arrest a few days ago, it was the first time I actually had a sense of relief in years. I didn't realize the high levels of anxiety I had going on. I fought and struggled for my freedom, and didn't feel at all free. I was afraid, constantly. I was so accustomed to high pitched anxiety, I no longer even knew it was there. It became 'normal'.
I had received a court notice, and thought I had to be present, but I called ahead first. I had already been to court the day before, and the thought of facing another day of that, was more than I could physically handle. So, my advocate informed me of what was going on, and when I got off the phone with her, all I could do was wilt in my chair ...with relief. That night, I opened up my front door to let some cool air in, and that's when it hit me. I didn't have to be afraid. I could actually open up my front door, and not be afraid!
I didn't realize consciously that I was afraid, until I wasn't!! So, I've been celebrating for the whole weekend by opening up doors, leaving them open, not having to listen for the sound of his vehicle so I could run in the house with the dogs and lock the doors, making sure my phone was on me at all times.
I actually had 2 nights in a row of good sleep. And...my blood pressure is down....way down. From 212 top number do 130's. That's a huge drop.
It's been steadily going down for several readings now.
Since I was young most of my life (humor) the cost to my health wasn't anything I ever truly considered. I thought it was malarkey. It's not. There's mental health, spiritual health, financial health, emotional health...lots of health issues are impacted when one is tangled in a dysfunctional relationship.
What made it hard for me to leave was the fact that I cared very much about him. I thought he cared for me...emotionally anyway. But he wasn't caring for me. I didn't want to see the truth of things. I wanted things to grow, get better. I was chasing pie in the sky.
I don't take commitments lightly. I don't say "I love you" unless I do. But, I had to love ME too.
It's taken a year to get my bearings. NOW, it feels GOOD, real good.
It feels good to do the things I want and need to do, in my own good time, In my own way, and If I feel like doing a movie marathon instead of washing dishes, I can do that too!
There isn't a thing he can say or do at this point in time, to win me over. I can't even stand the sight of his face, nor is it a sneaky pleasure just being in the same room with him. I don't hate him, I just don't like him. He's a fake, and who needs that? Not me.
I am strong. A whole lot stronger than I even realized. If I was strong enough to endure the few years of addiction and all that goes with it, then I'm strong enough to say enough is enough and carry through with it. Sometimes it's only in retrospect that we can say that. You don't get the reward till you deliver up the goods lol!
As you're all painfully familiar with, dealing with addicts isn't easy, it's HARD! All too frequently, these relationships collapse into physical abuse in addition to all the other forms of abuse that is ongoing as long as you're in that relationship. Mine did.
I kept trying to get out, I meant it when I said I wanted out, and couldn't seem to accomplish it. Naturally, they come running back to "Love Bomb" you and it's off to the races once again!
I got to where I was embarrassed and ashamed, didn't even want to talk about it anymore. So, I set this forum down and began to work.
I am now pleased to say "I DID IT!!!" I got away! It will be one full year this April 28 or so of zero contact (on my part). There were run-ins with legal issues, but sometimes the law is your friend.
It was NOT easy. It was hard. But it was less hard than staying. I had my phone blowing up with a mix of oh, baby! and you-------fill in the blank. My house was broken into, my power tools stolen, my car sabotaged to where it seized up the engine. I kept finding boxes of gifts on my front porch meaning he was sneaking over here at night, my gas grill broken, the tank stolen, and he even had the nerve to file charges on ME saying I was stalking him. Course, phone records proved otherwise.
There were other things as well such as trouble making for me like calling a complaint into the city enforcement officer to complain about the tree limbs my daughter was helping me cut so I could get some sun in my yard, and other things also.
Every time I turned around, it was something different, some form of malicious torture. But, I held my ground, pushed back legally, and I just found out a couple of days ago that he's on house arrest. We are still dealing with court issues like violating personal protection orders, no trespassing orders, court orders.
In the mean time, the cost wasn't just the things I mentioned above, but the cost was to my health also. I developed uncontrollable high blood pressure and am in the early stages of heart failure. None of the meds were helping and I'm on several. My heart is damaged, and I had a stroke in one of my legs. One of the arteries closed up and I had to have surgery, but the leg is still numb. I can walk, but not very far.
When I learned about him being on house arrest a few days ago, it was the first time I actually had a sense of relief in years. I didn't realize the high levels of anxiety I had going on. I fought and struggled for my freedom, and didn't feel at all free. I was afraid, constantly. I was so accustomed to high pitched anxiety, I no longer even knew it was there. It became 'normal'.
I had received a court notice, and thought I had to be present, but I called ahead first. I had already been to court the day before, and the thought of facing another day of that, was more than I could physically handle. So, my advocate informed me of what was going on, and when I got off the phone with her, all I could do was wilt in my chair ...with relief. That night, I opened up my front door to let some cool air in, and that's when it hit me. I didn't have to be afraid. I could actually open up my front door, and not be afraid!
I didn't realize consciously that I was afraid, until I wasn't!! So, I've been celebrating for the whole weekend by opening up doors, leaving them open, not having to listen for the sound of his vehicle so I could run in the house with the dogs and lock the doors, making sure my phone was on me at all times.
I actually had 2 nights in a row of good sleep. And...my blood pressure is down....way down. From 212 top number do 130's. That's a huge drop.
It's been steadily going down for several readings now.
Since I was young most of my life (humor) the cost to my health wasn't anything I ever truly considered. I thought it was malarkey. It's not. There's mental health, spiritual health, financial health, emotional health...lots of health issues are impacted when one is tangled in a dysfunctional relationship.
What made it hard for me to leave was the fact that I cared very much about him. I thought he cared for me...emotionally anyway. But he wasn't caring for me. I didn't want to see the truth of things. I wanted things to grow, get better. I was chasing pie in the sky.
I don't take commitments lightly. I don't say "I love you" unless I do. But, I had to love ME too.
It's taken a year to get my bearings. NOW, it feels GOOD, real good.
It feels good to do the things I want and need to do, in my own good time, In my own way, and If I feel like doing a movie marathon instead of washing dishes, I can do that too!
There isn't a thing he can say or do at this point in time, to win me over. I can't even stand the sight of his face, nor is it a sneaky pleasure just being in the same room with him. I don't hate him, I just don't like him. He's a fake, and who needs that? Not me.
I am strong. A whole lot stronger than I even realized. If I was strong enough to endure the few years of addiction and all that goes with it, then I'm strong enough to say enough is enough and carry through with it. Sometimes it's only in retrospect that we can say that. You don't get the reward till you deliver up the goods lol!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 182
As a serviver of abuse myself I thank you for sharing your journey it helps me with mine. I highly recommend a therapist to help you work through the things that have happened so you don't carry it forward.
Take care, Action
Take care, Action
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Wichita, KS
Posts: 19
Thanks so much for the hugs and cheers. I hope someone benefits from my post. I am receiving some counseling. Thankfully I'd had some awesome counseling in the past that continues to help me even today. Some of these unhealthy decisions I've made regarding the addict/abuser were a reaction to a horrendous event which occurred on 911, and something else in 2001, and then more recently with the death of my husband. Each event involved death, and I needed to feel alive, have some fun...but oops and omy, it didn't turn out that way!
On the bright side, I managed to scrape together a dollar, bought a piece of garden fabric from Dollar tree, and turned it into a 4'x4' little garden bed using the garden fabric and some sticks from my trees to make the sides of the bed. I partially filled it with some hay that my little guinea pigs didn't like, as well as some of the winter leaves, topped it with bagged compost and called it good. I planted 2 potatoes, and I have some other seeds to plant as well.
I've now got a little garden, 2 dogs & two rescue guinea pigs so I have my little family, Life's GOOD! I'm no longer in an apartment, either. I have a house with fenced in yard for the dogs to play in, a beautiful shaded front porch, a deck out back that my daughter built for me last summer so I've got my little piece of heaven on earth. The neighborhood kids like to come and visit now and then so I have good company, too. And, plenty of fire wood for the little chiminea my daughter gave me.
Blessings all!!
On the bright side, I managed to scrape together a dollar, bought a piece of garden fabric from Dollar tree, and turned it into a 4'x4' little garden bed using the garden fabric and some sticks from my trees to make the sides of the bed. I partially filled it with some hay that my little guinea pigs didn't like, as well as some of the winter leaves, topped it with bagged compost and called it good. I planted 2 potatoes, and I have some other seeds to plant as well.
I've now got a little garden, 2 dogs & two rescue guinea pigs so I have my little family, Life's GOOD! I'm no longer in an apartment, either. I have a house with fenced in yard for the dogs to play in, a beautiful shaded front porch, a deck out back that my daughter built for me last summer so I've got my little piece of heaven on earth. The neighborhood kids like to come and visit now and then so I have good company, too. And, plenty of fire wood for the little chiminea my daughter gave me.
Blessings all!!
So very happy for you! What a wonderful update!
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