Now to deal with my relationships with FOO
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Now to deal with my relationships with FOO
this is probably going to be long... maybe not.
Martied to AH for 19 years - helped raise 3 step children no children of my own. My divorce is set to be granted sometime in June. I am dealing with the stress of buying a house right now and the seller is a little cookoo. Not to mention that I stil question myself on if this is the right thing, I know it is but that irritating voice comes back at times to question my decision.
My father is also an alcoholic, I moved him down by my sister and I three years ago - he almost died up north and I have gone through so much with my dad! Ugh! And he treats me like a child and manipulates and ALWAYS makes me feel guilty. Sometimes I think I hate him. My sister has controlled my family forever. She is brutal and she is all about herself. I love her fiercely but also have to take time away from her to keep my sanity. I am never right about anything with her either so I try to avoid arguing and just enjoy the moments that I can with her. She and her husband are extremely successful and had two children (my niece and nephew who I also love so much) and she likes to rub my nose in it. Sometimes are worse than others but when she gets a few in her she really turns into a pompous ass!
Mom is where I learned how to be a good co dependent! Lol! And I love her with all my heart! Also extremely controlling but throughout my ordeal with AH she has been my confidant! After all she knows what it is like!
My brother is an addict (I think meth) and doesn’t live in the same state as myself, mom, dad and sister.
So! My deliemma at this point is this. My dad figured out that he could buy wine and bring it into the asssited living facility where I moved him to after another bout in hospital two years ago - due to drinking. So we are back to the merry go round we lived in when he lived up north (3 hours away) where he calls and I don’t answer as I am at work or just busy. Calls again and leaves a message and then if he calls a third time (or sometimes it is on the second call) I am being taken out of the will and other very nasty remarks for me. Normally I just ignore then call next day and he is back to being fine and probably doesn’t remember the phone calls and his messages.
Last week however he really got to me, I am his POA and take care of paying all of his bills, he called and said he has received the cable bill (left a message) then he called again and said “call me back before I have to take action”! Wtf? So out of morbid curiosity I called him back and he said the “action” was to call my sister and find out where the he11 I was! I got angry and said that he did not have to know where I was all the time to which he replied “can I ask where you are now?” Are you kidding me?!
so I have this sense of guilt with my dad that he is stuck living in this place and he likes to go out to eat (I don’t because I don’t have a lot of self control and always over eat). He called me last week and said “you should call your kids and have them take me out to brunch on Palm Sunday or Easter.” Yes, he was serious. My children (step but I love them like they were born to me) have had a relationship with him one sided of course but in the past when they were growing up he was generous to them (with material things). He just expects that everyone on this earth is there to please him! Nope I take that back he doesn’t do this to my sister. She doesn’t (or says she doesn’t) feel guilty when she says no to him.
I told him about the divorce, me buying a house and such, and I am out of town for work most of this month and part of next month. And that’s what he says to me when he calls me that I need to get my children to take him out to brunch? I hung up on him. I had told him in the past that I was planning to do something on Easter with him. But I don’t want to! I don’t enjoy spending time with him and never once has he said “how are you doing with all that is going on in your life”. I don’t like him! And I don’t want to spend time with him. In the past I made a big Easter dinner and all the kids and my mom and her boyfriend, and my dad would come (or I would go pick my dad up). My step daughter is having an Easter egg hunt at her house this year and while I am sad that I am not invited I get it, I totally do and have zero problems. I didn’t want to invite the kids this year or have a dinner because I am in the middle of packing and it would just be kind of uncomfortable for them I think. So! Where do I go from here with my dad??? I don’t want to do anything for Easter with him, do I tell him that? He called a left a message last night (the first phone call since I hung up on him). I just want to do my own thing - maybe go up to my camper with my dogs or something and have him leave me the he11 alone! I don’t want to feel guilty either if I don’t do anything with him...
I leave town on business this Sunday come back on Thursday and fly out again next Tuesday for a pleasure trip with six other women (so excited as I am going with a friend I have known since fourth grade and her and I always have a lot of laughs when we get together!)
my dad told me in the past that it was in my best interest to stay in my marriage, that he didn’t think my AH would “let” me go, that my dogs are not going to do well with this... and the list goes on!
I DO NOT want to spend Easter with him!
Martied to AH for 19 years - helped raise 3 step children no children of my own. My divorce is set to be granted sometime in June. I am dealing with the stress of buying a house right now and the seller is a little cookoo. Not to mention that I stil question myself on if this is the right thing, I know it is but that irritating voice comes back at times to question my decision.
My father is also an alcoholic, I moved him down by my sister and I three years ago - he almost died up north and I have gone through so much with my dad! Ugh! And he treats me like a child and manipulates and ALWAYS makes me feel guilty. Sometimes I think I hate him. My sister has controlled my family forever. She is brutal and she is all about herself. I love her fiercely but also have to take time away from her to keep my sanity. I am never right about anything with her either so I try to avoid arguing and just enjoy the moments that I can with her. She and her husband are extremely successful and had two children (my niece and nephew who I also love so much) and she likes to rub my nose in it. Sometimes are worse than others but when she gets a few in her she really turns into a pompous ass!
Mom is where I learned how to be a good co dependent! Lol! And I love her with all my heart! Also extremely controlling but throughout my ordeal with AH she has been my confidant! After all she knows what it is like!
My brother is an addict (I think meth) and doesn’t live in the same state as myself, mom, dad and sister.
So! My deliemma at this point is this. My dad figured out that he could buy wine and bring it into the asssited living facility where I moved him to after another bout in hospital two years ago - due to drinking. So we are back to the merry go round we lived in when he lived up north (3 hours away) where he calls and I don’t answer as I am at work or just busy. Calls again and leaves a message and then if he calls a third time (or sometimes it is on the second call) I am being taken out of the will and other very nasty remarks for me. Normally I just ignore then call next day and he is back to being fine and probably doesn’t remember the phone calls and his messages.
Last week however he really got to me, I am his POA and take care of paying all of his bills, he called and said he has received the cable bill (left a message) then he called again and said “call me back before I have to take action”! Wtf? So out of morbid curiosity I called him back and he said the “action” was to call my sister and find out where the he11 I was! I got angry and said that he did not have to know where I was all the time to which he replied “can I ask where you are now?” Are you kidding me?!
so I have this sense of guilt with my dad that he is stuck living in this place and he likes to go out to eat (I don’t because I don’t have a lot of self control and always over eat). He called me last week and said “you should call your kids and have them take me out to brunch on Palm Sunday or Easter.” Yes, he was serious. My children (step but I love them like they were born to me) have had a relationship with him one sided of course but in the past when they were growing up he was generous to them (with material things). He just expects that everyone on this earth is there to please him! Nope I take that back he doesn’t do this to my sister. She doesn’t (or says she doesn’t) feel guilty when she says no to him.
I told him about the divorce, me buying a house and such, and I am out of town for work most of this month and part of next month. And that’s what he says to me when he calls me that I need to get my children to take him out to brunch? I hung up on him. I had told him in the past that I was planning to do something on Easter with him. But I don’t want to! I don’t enjoy spending time with him and never once has he said “how are you doing with all that is going on in your life”. I don’t like him! And I don’t want to spend time with him. In the past I made a big Easter dinner and all the kids and my mom and her boyfriend, and my dad would come (or I would go pick my dad up). My step daughter is having an Easter egg hunt at her house this year and while I am sad that I am not invited I get it, I totally do and have zero problems. I didn’t want to invite the kids this year or have a dinner because I am in the middle of packing and it would just be kind of uncomfortable for them I think. So! Where do I go from here with my dad??? I don’t want to do anything for Easter with him, do I tell him that? He called a left a message last night (the first phone call since I hung up on him). I just want to do my own thing - maybe go up to my camper with my dogs or something and have him leave me the he11 alone! I don’t want to feel guilty either if I don’t do anything with him...
I leave town on business this Sunday come back on Thursday and fly out again next Tuesday for a pleasure trip with six other women (so excited as I am going with a friend I have known since fourth grade and her and I always have a lot of laughs when we get together!)
my dad told me in the past that it was in my best interest to stay in my marriage, that he didn’t think my AH would “let” me go, that my dogs are not going to do well with this... and the list goes on!
I DO NOT want to spend Easter with him!
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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Then by all means do not spend Easter with him.
Do you really want to get out from under the chaos of one alcoholic just to subject yourself to another?
I understand the inclination towards guilt, but you and your father are both adult people with every right to live your life as you please. If for you that means limited contact with your father, then so be it.
Please try to remember that it is HIS choices that have him in the situation he is in today.
Family is not exempt from basic respect.
Do you really want to get out from under the chaos of one alcoholic just to subject yourself to another?
I understand the inclination towards guilt, but you and your father are both adult people with every right to live your life as you please. If for you that means limited contact with your father, then so be it.
Please try to remember that it is HIS choices that have him in the situation he is in today.
Family is not exempt from basic respect.
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Join Date: Apr 2019
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I kinda chucked to myself a little reading your story thinking about the family dynamics and the old guy that used to have the last word. I think your doing great and have things under control you also seam to except things as they are. Your on your way to a happy life.
what made me chuckle was at 60 I'm slipping into dufferdum, every day I'm one day closer to being the old guy my kids don't agree about. 🙂 lol
Action
what made me chuckle was at 60 I'm slipping into dufferdum, every day I'm one day closer to being the old guy my kids don't agree about. 🙂 lol
Action
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Three recovery principles that come to mind:
1. Set limits and boundaries.
2. Don't argue or try to convince the other person of anything. No need to J.A.D.E. -- justify, argue, defend or explain. No can be a complete sentence.
3. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself credit for getting through many uncomfortable situations.
1. Set limits and boundaries.
2. Don't argue or try to convince the other person of anything. No need to J.A.D.E. -- justify, argue, defend or explain. No can be a complete sentence.
3. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself credit for getting through many uncomfortable situations.
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Originally Posted by Action 
I kinda chucked to myself a little reading your story thinking about the family dynamics and the old guy that used to have the last word. I think your doing great and have things under control you also seam to except things as they are. Your on your way to a happy life.
what made me chuckle was at 60 I'm slipping into dufferdum, every day I'm one day closer to being the old guy my kids don't agree about. 🙂 lol
Action
what made me chuckle was at 60 I'm slipping into dufferdum, every day I'm one day closer to being the old guy my kids don't agree about. 🙂 lol
Action
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Well, when it rains... my brother (an addict) called my mom this morning. He is in the hospital due to a hernia operation that never healed. He was living in a flop house of sorts and says he has been kicked out. How do you get kicked out of a flop house I don't know but thinking there is more to this and "more will be revealed". He wants to come back to the state his family is, is what he told mom. He lives over 1000 miles away. My brother is a decorated wounded veteran,desert storm war. I want to help and yet am holding onto all I have learned in this forum, from alanon and such and trying to share that with my mom. She is trying to get plans for her and her boyfriend to take a road trip and drive out there and get him. And then what? Told her she needs to set boundaries and we can work through the VA to find out about rehab (if he is willing) and a room for him to rent. He is not big on personal hygiene and cannot really live with her, I am dealing with my own move and my sister, well she is on vacation and my mom has not even called her. I am meeting my sister out where she is vacationing as I am going there for work and will, probably mention this to her. But trying to keep my mom sane and share with her that he made the choices and the three C's and she can only do what she can do. So now I am spending my day trying to find programs thar he might be eligible for (my brother). Any direction would be greatly appreciated. I know treatment recommendations are not allowed on here but with the VA can anyone tell me where to start looking?
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ST, your family dynamics are exhausting! One person says jump and the rest of you all go off the bridge!
I understand your brother is in the hospital, but it is in fact his responsibility to find his own treatment options and housing. He may be an addict but he is also an adult. What your mother chooses to do is her responsibility--it does not automatically become yours just because you are related.
What would happen if:
a) you did NOT mention to your sister all that is happening with your brother and just let her enjoy her vacation?
and
b) you did NOT spend your weekend scrambling for treatment options for your brother, who has not even expressed a desire or willingness to go to one?
When does ScaryTime's serenity and happiness get to come first?
I understand your brother is in the hospital, but it is in fact his responsibility to find his own treatment options and housing. He may be an addict but he is also an adult. What your mother chooses to do is her responsibility--it does not automatically become yours just because you are related.
What would happen if:
a) you did NOT mention to your sister all that is happening with your brother and just let her enjoy her vacation?
and
b) you did NOT spend your weekend scrambling for treatment options for your brother, who has not even expressed a desire or willingness to go to one?
When does ScaryTime's serenity and happiness get to come first?
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i fully concur with SparkleKitty.
your brother is an adult and makes his own choices. if everyone immediately launches into action because he did X, that is called enabling. even you now "spending all your time" looking up rehabs is doing for others what they could do for themselves.
your mother is an adult. if she wants to road trip out to get him that is HER choice. you don't have to do ANYTHING. and that includes barging in on your sister's vacation to tell her what is going on. if your mother wants to let her know, SHE will let her know.
you have your own life, don't you? one that is not about what is going on with your brother, sister, mother or father? let them do them. without your "help".
your brother is an adult and makes his own choices. if everyone immediately launches into action because he did X, that is called enabling. even you now "spending all your time" looking up rehabs is doing for others what they could do for themselves.
your mother is an adult. if she wants to road trip out to get him that is HER choice. you don't have to do ANYTHING. and that includes barging in on your sister's vacation to tell her what is going on. if your mother wants to let her know, SHE will let her know.
you have your own life, don't you? one that is not about what is going on with your brother, sister, mother or father? let them do them. without your "help".
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
When does ScaryTime's serenity and happiness get to come first?
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
((((hugs))))
A gentle suggestion --- perhaps hit extra meetings, some open AA meetings & speaker meetings. There's something about being in a room of people who are in different stages of recovery from the disease of Alcoholism, on each side of the road, that can be like a big information download that is naturally filtered out and helps greatly!
A gentle suggestion --- perhaps hit extra meetings, some open AA meetings & speaker meetings. There's something about being in a room of people who are in different stages of recovery from the disease of Alcoholism, on each side of the road, that can be like a big information download that is naturally filtered out and helps greatly!
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
i fully concur with SparkleKitty.
your brother is an adult and makes his own choices. if everyone immediately launches into action because he did X, that is called enabling. even you now "spending all your time" looking up rehabs is doing for others what they could do for themselves.
your mother is an adult. if she wants to road trip out to get him that is HER choice. you don't have to do ANYTHING. and that includes barging in on your sister's vacation to tell her what is going on. if your mother wants to let her know, SHE will let her know.
you have your own life, don't you? one that is not about what is going on with your brother, sister, mother or father? let them do them. without your "help".
your brother is an adult and makes his own choices. if everyone immediately launches into action because he did X, that is called enabling. even you now "spending all your time" looking up rehabs is doing for others what they could do for themselves.
your mother is an adult. if she wants to road trip out to get him that is HER choice. you don't have to do ANYTHING. and that includes barging in on your sister's vacation to tell her what is going on. if your mother wants to let her know, SHE will let her know.
you have your own life, don't you? one that is not about what is going on with your brother, sister, mother or father? let them do them. without your "help".
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Eeek scarytime, this brought up some old memories.
My Father (an alcoholic) I found particularly annoying as he got older, he managed to pretty much push everyone away, he did have a few "friends" but anyway.
Eventually I got fed up with the drunk calls so I said, don't call me when you are drunk. If you want to talk when you are sober, call me then. So when he would call and sounded drunk, I hung on him or just didn't answer mostly and let it go to vm.
A vm does not require you to answer by the way. Do or don't, your choice.
Eventually I got so annoyed I went NC with him for a year. I was fed up. That didn't go over well, he even drove over to see me one day, I know this because I was just driving down my street on the way somewhere - I just kept on driving.
Your Sister is the way she is because of this family dynamic. I totally get it and I have seen it in action as well, maybe not quite that "tough" but it's a natural response for some, protecting yourself is a natural reaction, coping mechanisms develop differently for different people.
You cope by trying to smooth things over. As stated above, you should really focus more on yourself. You deserve some peace and quiet, some fun and freedom from all this drama. I absolutely would go away over Easter, no question. As for your Brother, you are not your Brother's keeper, no need to do any ground work for what may never come to anything. If he came to you to talk seriously about needing help to get in to recovery, that's when you might give some assistance?
I understand you getting caught up in the family "drama". Perhaps a good approach from now on is just what you did - telling your Mother about the 3 Cs. I mean family members call for advice. The "then what" - well that's up to them, that part you can just stay away from.
Sorry if this isn't very helpful, more of a - I get it. Hang in there.
My Father (an alcoholic) I found particularly annoying as he got older, he managed to pretty much push everyone away, he did have a few "friends" but anyway.
Eventually I got fed up with the drunk calls so I said, don't call me when you are drunk. If you want to talk when you are sober, call me then. So when he would call and sounded drunk, I hung on him or just didn't answer mostly and let it go to vm.
A vm does not require you to answer by the way. Do or don't, your choice.
Eventually I got so annoyed I went NC with him for a year. I was fed up. That didn't go over well, he even drove over to see me one day, I know this because I was just driving down my street on the way somewhere - I just kept on driving.
Your Sister is the way she is because of this family dynamic. I totally get it and I have seen it in action as well, maybe not quite that "tough" but it's a natural response for some, protecting yourself is a natural reaction, coping mechanisms develop differently for different people.
You cope by trying to smooth things over. As stated above, you should really focus more on yourself. You deserve some peace and quiet, some fun and freedom from all this drama. I absolutely would go away over Easter, no question. As for your Brother, you are not your Brother's keeper, no need to do any ground work for what may never come to anything. If he came to you to talk seriously about needing help to get in to recovery, that's when you might give some assistance?
I understand you getting caught up in the family "drama". Perhaps a good approach from now on is just what you did - telling your Mother about the 3 Cs. I mean family members call for advice. The "then what" - well that's up to them, that part you can just stay away from.
Sorry if this isn't very helpful, more of a - I get it. Hang in there.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
Eeek scarytime, this brought up some old memories.
My Father (an alcoholic) I found particularly annoying as he got older, he managed to pretty much push everyone away, he did have a few "friends" but anyway.
Eventually I got fed up with the drunk calls so I said, don't call me when you are drunk. If you want to talk when you are sober, call me then. So when he would call and sounded drunk, I hung on him or just didn't answer mostly and let it go to vm.
A vm does not require you to answer by the way. Do or don't, your choice.
Eventually I got so annoyed I went NC with him for a year. I was fed up. That didn't go over well, he even drove over to see me one day, I know this because I was just driving down my street on the way somewhere - I just kept on driving.
Your Sister is the way she is because of this family dynamic. I totally get it and I have seen it in action as well, maybe not quite that "tough" but it's a natural response for some, protecting yourself is a natural reaction, coping mechanisms develop differently for different people.
You cope by trying to smooth things over. As stated above, you should really focus more on yourself. You deserve some peace and quiet, some fun and freedom from all this drama. I absolutely would go away over Easter, no question. As for your Brother, you are not your Brother's keeper, no need to do any ground work for what may never come to anything. If he came to you to talk seriously about needing help to get in to recovery, that's when you might give some assistance?
I understand you getting caught up in the family "drama". Perhaps a good approach from now on is just what you did - telling your Mother about the 3 Cs. I mean family members call for advice. The "then what" - well that's up to them, that part you can just stay away from.
Sorry if this isn't very helpful, more of a - I get it. Hang in there.
My Father (an alcoholic) I found particularly annoying as he got older, he managed to pretty much push everyone away, he did have a few "friends" but anyway.
Eventually I got fed up with the drunk calls so I said, don't call me when you are drunk. If you want to talk when you are sober, call me then. So when he would call and sounded drunk, I hung on him or just didn't answer mostly and let it go to vm.
A vm does not require you to answer by the way. Do or don't, your choice.
Eventually I got so annoyed I went NC with him for a year. I was fed up. That didn't go over well, he even drove over to see me one day, I know this because I was just driving down my street on the way somewhere - I just kept on driving.
Your Sister is the way she is because of this family dynamic. I totally get it and I have seen it in action as well, maybe not quite that "tough" but it's a natural response for some, protecting yourself is a natural reaction, coping mechanisms develop differently for different people.
You cope by trying to smooth things over. As stated above, you should really focus more on yourself. You deserve some peace and quiet, some fun and freedom from all this drama. I absolutely would go away over Easter, no question. As for your Brother, you are not your Brother's keeper, no need to do any ground work for what may never come to anything. If he came to you to talk seriously about needing help to get in to recovery, that's when you might give some assistance?
I understand you getting caught up in the family "drama". Perhaps a good approach from now on is just what you did - telling your Mother about the 3 Cs. I mean family members call for advice. The "then what" - well that's up to them, that part you can just stay away from.
Sorry if this isn't very helpful, more of a - I get it. Hang in there.
Yes, I was thinking just that today, to tell my dad that I will be happy to talk to him when he is not drinking. My Alanon sponsor also mentioned that. I want to let him know soon about Easter but don’t really want to call him today as I am still summering about his actions/words.
As far as my brother, sent one email to the VA. Haven’t checked for response and I wont till next week. I think I can find the programs available to him, when I have time, and if he does anything with it then he does and if not that is on him then. But just dropping everything and ruining my day, you all are right, no need to do that! 😊. So made plans to meet a friend for dinner later and did my packing. I am almost done packing now.
So now relaxing and watching a movie and reading my dailies!
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My brother is now on suicide watch. I guess that’s a good thing as things are being taken care of where he is. So me taking care of myself is a he right thing to do. My flight got canceled this morning I am bummed now don’t get to destination till late tonight. Is what it is.
Called my dad and told him about my brother and also told him I have plans next weekend. He was actually ok about it, at least he acted ok about it.
So life is good but not looking forward to my flight now as I won’t get there until almost midnight! ☹️
Called my dad and told him about my brother and also told him I have plans next weekend. He was actually ok about it, at least he acted ok about it.
So life is good but not looking forward to my flight now as I won’t get there until almost midnight! ☹️
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Try not to let the perfect be the enemy of the good. You're still going! Maybe the later flight will be less crowded, maybe you'll sleep better once you arrive. Have a great trip, ST! You have earned it.
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