Pregnant and looking for positive guidance
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I was thinking about abusive relationships some more and I realized that for all I may have participated in it, I never tried to fix the other person.
I pushed back, I said back off, stop it, I got upset, I got mad but I never said or thought, I can fix this, I can change HIM. This is a person I was married to by the way.
He had more than enough reason to be angry and lash out and honestly, based on the abuse he suffered as a child, (and it was more severe than you can imagine or that I can write here - not sexual abuse btw) I don't even blame him! But I sure don't blame me and I sure as heck know that I was and am in no position to help him with that.
He still has that rage to this day.
So while I see no harm in trying to understand where a person is coming from I do see harm in trying to "fix" them. Sharing your discoveries about him are guaranteed to disappoint you if you think it is going to make any difference at all.
Eventually, maybe, with the right kind of professional treatment, his therapy for example, over a long period of time, some of this might get sorted out, I hope it does. In the meantime, you will have to live with him as he is.
What can you do in the interim? Don't play the game, just say no, protect yourself.
I pushed back, I said back off, stop it, I got upset, I got mad but I never said or thought, I can fix this, I can change HIM. This is a person I was married to by the way.
He had more than enough reason to be angry and lash out and honestly, based on the abuse he suffered as a child, (and it was more severe than you can imagine or that I can write here - not sexual abuse btw) I don't even blame him! But I sure don't blame me and I sure as heck know that I was and am in no position to help him with that.
He still has that rage to this day.
So while I see no harm in trying to understand where a person is coming from I do see harm in trying to "fix" them. Sharing your discoveries about him are guaranteed to disappoint you if you think it is going to make any difference at all.
Eventually, maybe, with the right kind of professional treatment, his therapy for example, over a long period of time, some of this might get sorted out, I hope it does. In the meantime, you will have to live with him as he is.
What can you do in the interim? Don't play the game, just say no, protect yourself.
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Originally Posted by DontRemember 
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Join Date: Aug 2018
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Originally Posted by trailmix
So while I see no harm in trying to understand where a person is coming from I do see harm in trying to "fix" them. Sharing your discoveries about him are guaranteed to disappoint you if you think it is going to make any difference at all.
Eventually, maybe, with the right kind of professional treatment, his therapy for example, over a long period of time, some of this might get sorted out, I hope it does. In the meantime, you will have to live with him as he is.
What can you do in the interim? Don't play the game, just say no, protect yourself.
Eventually, maybe, with the right kind of professional treatment, his therapy for example, over a long period of time, some of this might get sorted out, I hope it does. In the meantime, you will have to live with him as he is.
What can you do in the interim? Don't play the game, just say no, protect yourself.
I agree that not trying to "fix" him is the only way forward towards my sanity and peace of mind.
And yes it's one thing understanding someone and another thing trying to force seeds in someone's head in order to get them to grow... however if one is coming from a place of truth/love (not fear) then positive impulses will come, words will be said. I'm not going to gag myself from saying things that come from my heart ....if there is connection between us in a conversation then i'll let things flow in that direction, naturally... but forcing myself and ideas onto him is what I want to be very aware of now...
In terms of any positive effects I've had on him - well, he stopped drinking... he listens to self-development podcasts every day at work... ...shocked when I heard that... so who knows !
As for the "abusiveness" that rears its head in a fight
I think there is a sprinkling of Mr Right and Water Torturer in there, based on Bancroft's description... He doesn't fit the calculated calm MO of the Water Torturer. But defo some traits shared.
Ultimately seeing is freeing and now that I know I'm really not overreacting to poor attitudes on his part then i'll no longer have to defend myself , or try to fix . I'll just say nah, no thank you, and walk. This is something he has very rarely seen in me. Typically I'd become pretty desperate and try to fix it all ! So I can defo see where I've allowed poor behaviour !
As for his biggest underlying issue. I'd say it's terribly high anxiety. which triggers drinking... and his need for control (which can transmute to traits above) ... he wants his therapy to help with this specifically...
In the interim, no games ! he expressed to me today he would like us to live together again... but I said no I won't live with someone who isn't addressing their underlying issues.
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Originally Posted by DontRemember
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Hi Surf,
I think that you stayed really strong when he wanted to move in and you said "no". There are things that you need to be aware of though.
I think all of us here would say that when we first met someone, or when we were still independent (living separately) that they were always at there best, that once they moved in or felt some ownership over us, that is when the abuse started, I also think most people would agree that there were red flags prior to this, but we chose to ignore them or saw that as a fault in ourselves.
I'm in no way trying to judge anything, well, because I don't know you or your bf. I just wanted to let you know that I was in an abusive relationship, and I was tricked many times, probably because I was in denial , I just didn't want to accept that anyone who said that they loved me, could treat me that way.
I remember all of the times that he put me on a "pedestal" and all of the time that he treated me like I didn't even exist.
My ex held off doing this for about 10 years, but your bf is doing this to you now. The only reason my ex held off for that long was because part of that time we lived with my mother, then after that I didn't really know what was going on and why he was so awful to me.
In the beginning when we got our own place, he did start with putting me down. At that time, I would get hurt, and I would just walk away from him. He told me that I was a b!tch for doing that, and that I could always talk to him about anything that was upsetting me. So I tried, and I tried. It got worse. I couldn't figure out why he couldn't understand what I was saying, I must have said the same thing 1000's of times but in different ways.
He didn't understand, because he didn't want to. He wanted me to JADE. (justify, argue, defend, explain). When I did that he used that as ammunition against me. What I figured out later on was that he wanted to push my buttons so that I would JADE, this way he could have someone to fight with, and someone to blame the fight on.
I sat there one day while he was trying to push all of my buttons and I refused to engage. I realized that day that he had a war going on inside his own head and he just needed someone to blame for his insanity. I'll never say to just sit there and listen to all the verbal put downs, because that doesn't work either, if they can't engage you and you walk away,they will follow you and continue. If you leave the house,they will blow up you cell phone with repeated calls or texts.
I know that you want to know as much as you can because you are pregnant with his child. I will always answer your questions with as much knowledge that I have from my own experiences.
You also said that he is going to a therapist, or will start with a therapist. Please make sure that you don't get involved with this. My ex started to go to a therapist, actually we or him went to many therapist. My ex either refused to go back after they met me, or the therapist would fire him as a client, then ask me right in front of him if I wanted to continue to see them during my divorce.
Not going to expand on that right now, just leave it as my ex lied to all the therapist and when we went together and they listened to me, they sided with me and then my ex started to call therapist, "the rapist".
On therapy, if you ever agree to go to therapy with him, tell him you will meet him there, and drive your own car. They seem to get somewhat bugged after people tell them their behavior might not be seen as acceptable. There is a lot more that I can say, but I will leave it at this for now. If you have any questions, just ask.
You have a baby coming, I'm really excited for you. When is the baby due?
(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy
I think that you stayed really strong when he wanted to move in and you said "no". There are things that you need to be aware of though.
I think all of us here would say that when we first met someone, or when we were still independent (living separately) that they were always at there best, that once they moved in or felt some ownership over us, that is when the abuse started, I also think most people would agree that there were red flags prior to this, but we chose to ignore them or saw that as a fault in ourselves.
I'm in no way trying to judge anything, well, because I don't know you or your bf. I just wanted to let you know that I was in an abusive relationship, and I was tricked many times, probably because I was in denial , I just didn't want to accept that anyone who said that they loved me, could treat me that way.
I remember all of the times that he put me on a "pedestal" and all of the time that he treated me like I didn't even exist.
My ex held off doing this for about 10 years, but your bf is doing this to you now. The only reason my ex held off for that long was because part of that time we lived with my mother, then after that I didn't really know what was going on and why he was so awful to me.
In the beginning when we got our own place, he did start with putting me down. At that time, I would get hurt, and I would just walk away from him. He told me that I was a b!tch for doing that, and that I could always talk to him about anything that was upsetting me. So I tried, and I tried. It got worse. I couldn't figure out why he couldn't understand what I was saying, I must have said the same thing 1000's of times but in different ways.
He didn't understand, because he didn't want to. He wanted me to JADE. (justify, argue, defend, explain). When I did that he used that as ammunition against me. What I figured out later on was that he wanted to push my buttons so that I would JADE, this way he could have someone to fight with, and someone to blame the fight on.
I sat there one day while he was trying to push all of my buttons and I refused to engage. I realized that day that he had a war going on inside his own head and he just needed someone to blame for his insanity. I'll never say to just sit there and listen to all the verbal put downs, because that doesn't work either, if they can't engage you and you walk away,they will follow you and continue. If you leave the house,they will blow up you cell phone with repeated calls or texts.
I know that you want to know as much as you can because you are pregnant with his child. I will always answer your questions with as much knowledge that I have from my own experiences.
You also said that he is going to a therapist, or will start with a therapist. Please make sure that you don't get involved with this. My ex started to go to a therapist, actually we or him went to many therapist. My ex either refused to go back after they met me, or the therapist would fire him as a client, then ask me right in front of him if I wanted to continue to see them during my divorce.
Not going to expand on that right now, just leave it as my ex lied to all the therapist and when we went together and they listened to me, they sided with me and then my ex started to call therapist, "the rapist".
On therapy, if you ever agree to go to therapy with him, tell him you will meet him there, and drive your own car. They seem to get somewhat bugged after people tell them their behavior might not be seen as acceptable. There is a lot more that I can say, but I will leave it at this for now. If you have any questions, just ask.
You have a baby coming, I'm really excited for you. When is the baby due?
(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy
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Surfbee,
I hear so many good things! You are continuing to work on you which is great. You are encouraging him but not trying to control what he does, great. Most of all, you are sticking to your boundary of not living together, even more great!
I hope you stay this strong once you have the baby because it would be easy to cave because it's easier with two people in the house with a baby than one. Keep your eye on the big picture!!!!
Good work!
I hear so many good things! You are continuing to work on you which is great. You are encouraging him but not trying to control what he does, great. Most of all, you are sticking to your boundary of not living together, even more great!
I hope you stay this strong once you have the baby because it would be easy to cave because it's easier with two people in the house with a baby than one. Keep your eye on the big picture!!!!
Good work!
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Join Date: Aug 2018
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Thank you Trailmix, Amy, Don'tRemember, Hopeful, Hawkeye,... really appreciate your replies and eveyone here. I'm doing well, feeling calm and at peace. Got my 20 week scan next week. Will write more soon x
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