Pregnant and looking for positive guidance
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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Surf, feel free to put any poster you like on Ignore. That's what the button is for.
There's nothing to be gained in arguing with folks. Everyone here is coming from a place of experience. Everyone.
There's nothing to be gained in arguing with folks. Everyone here is coming from a place of experience. Everyone.
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Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 330
Originally Posted by FallenAngelina 
If we want peace in our lives, we must let people be where they are. If that place is a significant mis-match to where we are, we can still love them, but just from a great distance.
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Join Date: Aug 2018
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
Everyone here is coming from a place of experience. Everyone.
"Tough love" my ass.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,634
Yes, I hope you will stick around for support.
Some of the comments were harsh, I think I would have been offended too, well I know I would have and I would have put that person on ignore (thinking - ok you are so way off base).
Some were not offensive and I know you are still angry about some of the things that went on in the past, however, take what you like and leave the rest, you never know what gem you might pick up here.
If you read the alcoholism forums, in particular threads that talk about AA meetings, it's usually something along the lines of - do newcomers annoy you, do you have speakers that get up and instead of talking for 15 mins talk for 45. Do you find speakers that tell the story of their lives instead of sharing their road to sobriety etc etc.
In all cases, they are told (pretty much) that you don't know when someone is going to say something that really hits home and is going to be meaningful for you.
Another bit of wisdom to be taken from the newcomers forum is how they get through the cravings, how they say no, lots of things to learn there that can apply elsewhere.
Some of the comments were harsh, I think I would have been offended too, well I know I would have and I would have put that person on ignore (thinking - ok you are so way off base).
Some were not offensive and I know you are still angry about some of the things that went on in the past, however, take what you like and leave the rest, you never know what gem you might pick up here.
If you read the alcoholism forums, in particular threads that talk about AA meetings, it's usually something along the lines of - do newcomers annoy you, do you have speakers that get up and instead of talking for 15 mins talk for 45. Do you find speakers that tell the story of their lives instead of sharing their road to sobriety etc etc.
In all cases, they are told (pretty much) that you don't know when someone is going to say something that really hits home and is going to be meaningful for you.
Another bit of wisdom to be taken from the newcomers forum is how they get through the cravings, how they say no, lots of things to learn there that can apply elsewhere.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Surfbee, I feel that as long as you’re honest you have the opportunity to grow. It’s when you shut down, go into denial and try to start hiding things from yourself and others, that’s when you lock in certain behaviors and attitudes that keep you stuck.
In your posts I clearly see signs of growth which are usually then followed by shutdown denial mode. The wall of denial is big and great, kind of keeps us safe from the unhappy truth of reality. But the fact is we are not safe we are only postponing what we don’t want to face.
The big lie we tell ourselves for staying in an unhealthy relationship is because we think it will get better – if we move in together – if we get engaged - if we get married – if we buy a house – if we have a baby ………….but it never does.
In your posts I clearly see signs of growth which are usually then followed by shutdown denial mode. The wall of denial is big and great, kind of keeps us safe from the unhappy truth of reality. But the fact is we are not safe we are only postponing what we don’t want to face.
The big lie we tell ourselves for staying in an unhealthy relationship is because we think it will get better – if we move in together – if we get engaged - if we get married – if we buy a house – if we have a baby ………….but it never does.
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Join Date: Aug 2018
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Trailmix, Hawkeye thank you for your understanding messages.
And thanks for not assuming you know me better than I know myself. x I'll stick around for the support I need, and for the friends I made here.
And thanks for not assuming you know me better than I know myself. x I'll stick around for the support I need, and for the friends I made here.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hi Surfbee
One thing that I thought of when I read your posts is that love is not enough. You love him. He loves you. However, especially when you have a sweet child to take care of, you realize that both parents have to model behaviors that are teaching a child how to act.
It seems like having to analyze the things you say and how you act take up a lot of your head space, and I know you don't want that to happen with your child.
I hope you continue with counseling and continue to post here and get the support you need. Take in what helps and ignore what does not.
I wish you and your baby all the best!
One thing that I thought of when I read your posts is that love is not enough. You love him. He loves you. However, especially when you have a sweet child to take care of, you realize that both parents have to model behaviors that are teaching a child how to act.
It seems like having to analyze the things you say and how you act take up a lot of your head space, and I know you don't want that to happen with your child.
I hope you continue with counseling and continue to post here and get the support you need. Take in what helps and ignore what does not.
I wish you and your baby all the best!
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Join Date: Aug 2018
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I started reading the book "Why Does He Do That? " by Lundy Bancroft.
From the book I've identified he has two separate problems:
One is alcoholism (non-active)
One is abusiveness (an attitude that rears its head when we get into a fight)
I think he fits into "water torturer" as defined by Bancroft. He doesn't share all of the traits but could spot some !
I raised it with him today. I said at times he has a controlling attitude and goes into put-down mode ... and then he can cleverly twist the reality ... turning it around as though I've overreacted. Well he seemed to listen... seemed to absorb what I was saying.
It's the first time I've said the word "abusive" to him, and the first time I've told him he has a controlling attitude (whilst not in the midst of an argument).
Who knows what effect it'll have on him, but it empowers me being aware of this stuff.
From the book I've identified he has two separate problems:
One is alcoholism (non-active)
One is abusiveness (an attitude that rears its head when we get into a fight)
I think he fits into "water torturer" as defined by Bancroft. He doesn't share all of the traits but could spot some !
I raised it with him today. I said at times he has a controlling attitude and goes into put-down mode ... and then he can cleverly twist the reality ... turning it around as though I've overreacted. Well he seemed to listen... seemed to absorb what I was saying.
It's the first time I've said the word "abusive" to him, and the first time I've told him he has a controlling attitude (whilst not in the midst of an argument).
Who knows what effect it'll have on him, but it empowers me being aware of this stuff.
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Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 330
Originally Posted by hopeful4
One thing that I thought of when I read your posts is that love is not enough.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
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Originally Posted by Surfbee
Well right now, love is enough. He has issues, which are serious, and he's been doing things I don't believe he has been consciously aware of. But he's also a good hearted person and we are both learning. As for our child, we both want a peaceful joyful home. If that isn't the direction we move towards, then he'll be gone, way before my baby is born. He's been sober almost 4 months, the longest he's gone without drinking. He's been white knuckling it yea, and I anticipate a relapse. But he's also starting therapy. As for me, I know how to decompress and clear my head.... It's why I like long breaks from SR too. And when I'm away from here it doesn't mean I'm shutting down from my problems either. Self- development and healing is occurring at my own pace and in my own way.
I can understand where you are coming from. You need to do your own research, you need to reach out and talk to people, then you need to sit with the information and come to your own conclusions.
That's fine. I guess I wanted to let you know that all the things that you are learning, cannot be unlearned. I see that you are getting stronger, and I see that you think you may be getting through to him, perhaps you are, but if you aren't just know that the stronger you get, the more he will be frightened that you will leave, and that will be when he amps up the abuse.
When I was going through that with the reading and getting stronger, I thought I could handle things and when I couldn't I became embarrassed and I isolated myself. Please don't do that. That was the biggest mistake that I made.
((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
and please keep posting here
amy
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
Originally Posted by Surfbee
I started reading the book "Why Does He Do That? " by Lundy Bancroft.
From the book I've identified he has two separate problems:
One is alcoholism (non-active)
One is abusiveness (an attitude that rears its head when we get into a fight)
I think he fits into "water torturer" as defined by Bancroft. He doesn't share all of the traits but could spot some !
I raised it with him today. I said at times he has a controlling attitude and goes into put-down mode ... and then he can cleverly twist the reality ... turning it around as though I've overreacted. Well he seemed to listen... seemed to absorb what I was saying.
It's the first time I've said the word "abusive" to him, and the first time I've told him he has a controlling attitude (whilst not in the midst of an argument).
Who knows what effect it'll have on him, but it empowers me being aware of this stuff.
From the book I've identified he has two separate problems:
One is alcoholism (non-active)
One is abusiveness (an attitude that rears its head when we get into a fight)
I think he fits into "water torturer" as defined by Bancroft. He doesn't share all of the traits but could spot some !
I raised it with him today. I said at times he has a controlling attitude and goes into put-down mode ... and then he can cleverly twist the reality ... turning it around as though I've overreacted. Well he seemed to listen... seemed to absorb what I was saying.
It's the first time I've said the word "abusive" to him, and the first time I've told him he has a controlling attitude (whilst not in the midst of an argument).
Who knows what effect it'll have on him, but it empowers me being aware of this stuff.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,634
Originally Posted by Surfbee
Who knows what effect it'll have on him, but it empowers me being aware of this stuff.
The central attitudes driving the Water Torturer are:
• You are crazy. You fly off the handle over nothing.
• I can easily convince other people that you’re the one who is messed up.
• As long as I’m calm, you can’t call anything I do abusive, no matter how cruel.
• I know exactly how to get under your skin.
He might see it, he might even agree with it, changing a behaviour like that, a way that he always gains control, that would be a tough nut to crack.
I'm going to guess it's only one of many tools he uses to try to control his universe?
Initially when you get in to a relationship with someone abusive (and I have been) the abuse is small in your world. First of all your world is mostly about other things, rather than him and secondly you may well be in a stronger place, generally. What they dish out is surprising and you may not necessarily understand where it comes from. By the time it starts to wear on you, you're in.
I think the problem with being in an abusive relationship (aside from the obvious) is that it's really hard to keep your guard up over long periods of time. It wears on you. You can't (and shouldn't) let your guard down with someone like that, it can have a horribly negative effect on you emotionally. Everything from worn down self esteem to developing your own emotional challenges as you struggle to balance things.
Eventually, if you aren't able to pull back from that you are so worn down you don't know which is which and what is what. You read those stories here all the time, people who have been in relationships for years, that have children and lives together. How do you unmesh all of that, it's very complicated, as you have witnessed.
Alcoholism is full of shame. He probably carries a lot of that somewhere, who knows, but he knows what he is, he is not stupid from what you have described however personality defects are not easy to correct and he may never do that.
Plus, one other thing to look out for, when you focus on one major problem, like the one you describe what's underlying that might be a whole lot bigger. Sociopathy comes to mind. Not saying he is a sociopath of course, not at all, just saying that breaking down compartments might lead you somewhere you aren't expecting.
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Thanks Amy, that's great advice. I will absolutely keep raising my awareness and not allow myself to get isolated!
When we lived together when I had really no sense of control of what was happening to me, as didn't understand his problems then, and was also going through a tough work spell, i did find myself going into "hiding from the world" mode. I realised I was midly depressed when I entered into a relationship with him and we moved in together too fast.
However in the midst of the chaos I pulled myself together and moved out and saw a therapist for the first time.
I'm an ACOA too (my mum-who was sexually abused as a child turned to drink later in life ) she'd seperated from my dad (who was pretty controlling) before developing a drink prob and before the big family secret came out... When the secret came out she was with my stepdad... And that's when the drinking prob really ramped up.... She's now calmed down with the drinking tho still chooses to do it which I've accepted.
Recognizing all the patterns of my childhood, I can see why I subconsciously chose myy partner, a troubled soul with a wild side, a cross between my mum and dad. And all this has been pretty damn eye opening... And I'm very grateful for every bit of knowledge this relationship has guided me towards....
Now that my A and I still live seperately it has given me the mental space I've needed to learn more .... And I believe he's on that path next to me... He is much further behind but he is on his path.
He's got a pretty nihilistic view of life at times, and a pretty cruel streak too when in his petulant teenage mode. i see who he is, warts and all.
We may or may not break patterns, time will tell... But my awareness is increasing.
As for any future isolation, I am very content in my own space but I also love social interaction and have lots of loving friends and family... I'm enjoying spending time with them and focusing more and more in doing what I love. I also have a very active career I enjoy. And I'm self employed so I get to work from home a lot with the odd shoot in between, which is perfect set up for me and my baby.
Things are on the up for me, the way I see it. More awareness really helping me forward x
When we lived together when I had really no sense of control of what was happening to me, as didn't understand his problems then, and was also going through a tough work spell, i did find myself going into "hiding from the world" mode. I realised I was midly depressed when I entered into a relationship with him and we moved in together too fast.
However in the midst of the chaos I pulled myself together and moved out and saw a therapist for the first time.
I'm an ACOA too (my mum-who was sexually abused as a child turned to drink later in life ) she'd seperated from my dad (who was pretty controlling) before developing a drink prob and before the big family secret came out... When the secret came out she was with my stepdad... And that's when the drinking prob really ramped up.... She's now calmed down with the drinking tho still chooses to do it which I've accepted.
Recognizing all the patterns of my childhood, I can see why I subconsciously chose myy partner, a troubled soul with a wild side, a cross between my mum and dad. And all this has been pretty damn eye opening... And I'm very grateful for every bit of knowledge this relationship has guided me towards....
Now that my A and I still live seperately it has given me the mental space I've needed to learn more .... And I believe he's on that path next to me... He is much further behind but he is on his path.
He's got a pretty nihilistic view of life at times, and a pretty cruel streak too when in his petulant teenage mode. i see who he is, warts and all.
We may or may not break patterns, time will tell... But my awareness is increasing.
As for any future isolation, I am very content in my own space but I also love social interaction and have lots of loving friends and family... I'm enjoying spending time with them and focusing more and more in doing what I love. I also have a very active career I enjoy. And I'm self employed so I get to work from home a lot with the odd shoot in between, which is perfect set up for me and my baby.
Things are on the up for me, the way I see it. More awareness really helping me forward x
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