theuncertainty

Hey, all. It's been a while and I hate that I'm back to talk about something that is related to my failing to uphold boundaries. So maybe not OT.? IDK. I'm trying to calm down, because I know I need to talk to her about this and if I do it now, I will definitely not be polite.

Background: My mom moved in with DS and I last summer. DS and I have lived in our current place 2 years. Not counting my sister and her family, and Dad and his wife, I have had a grand total of 2 friends into my home in that time. DS has friends over on occassion, but it's different, he's a teen and I like that they're comfortable hanging out here rather than out doing the stupid things that I did at his age. So 2 friends in 2 years into my space. This is my sanctuary and I don't let many people in. I really need it to be my sanctuary.

The problem, or current problem: This past Monday, Mom invited some of our extended family (her sister, niece, and niece's 11 or 12 yo daughter) to spend a week in my home when they come up this summer. Without talking with me first. And volunteered to take her own backside to my sister's home. I have a 3 bd place, and its "cozy". Very. There's no room for 3 extra people. Even if she does take off to my sister's, 3 people certainly aren't going to fit in her room. (Sis's house is about 3 times as large, but she was given the chance to say 'no' to having family stay there.)

I tried to talk to Mom about needing to talk with me before offering up our home for people I haven't seen in YEARS; that I may have (probably) said OK, but would have appreciated a chance to discuss it before they were invited. I tried to explain about not liking to have people in my space, but she's a serious extrovert and people-pleaser, so she doesn't get it At. ALL. She simply pouted (no other word for it) and told me to call and tell them they can't stay, then. I don't have their numbers and that wasn't the bloody point.

Today, Mom told me she was going to take off to Seward (4 hours away) for the week of the 4th of July -- alone -- while her family is in my home.

Now she's ditching me with people, whom I like well enough, though I've never met my cousin's kid, but whom I never would've invited into my home for more than dinner. And, they're spending all their vacation money on the flight, so they have no funds to kick towards groceries, and certainly can't go to a hotel, and won't be getting a rental car.

I'm livid. I can't afford to feed 3 more people even just for a week (maybe if I'd been given a chance to save over the winter, I could have). I get the 4th off, but certainly don't have vacation time to take while they're here in order to take them around town. I'm not lending them my car.

Honestly, I'd prefer to spend money I don't have to take a trip I can't afford just to not have to deal with this sh--. And if I go talk to Mom about it right now, her backside is getting kicked out.

Any advise on the following would be appreciated: how to explain to a mega extrovert the issue with inviting people (even if they're family) into our Home for extended periods of time when I'm a megasonic introvert and about how it would've been considerate to discuss before-hand. If you're an extrovert, is there a particular way to bring up the topic of needing to get away from people to recharge that would make it easier for her to understand?

I started looking for a counselor, but finding some one is taking time. Ultimately, though, I should be able to find someone help me with my boundary issues with Mom and siblings.

In the right now, I'm also considering whether telling her to retract her invite would be worth the fall-out from the family. As I lean towards the knee-jerk reaction of kicking Mom out, it does, but I'm also aware of just how upset I am right now. But I think I'd need to decide that now, before I get a counselor, and tell them, so alternate arrangements can be found.

Thanks for reading if you made it this far.

theuncertainty

Also want to say, that I did try to talk to my siblings about an apartment for mom in a senior community. I'd found a couple in town that she'd probably like. They're for elders who are still able to live on their own, which she is, just lower rent, which I think she'd qualify for.

I was told that I haven't given it enough time; Mom just got here. And, oh, yeah, that's just the way Mom is.

When I tried to talk to my younger sister (the one here in town) about this summer, she just laughed, and said, "Welcome to living with Mom." Mom had lived with her for a short while years back, but left on her own. (I now suspect she left because my sister is much better about sticking to boundaries than I am.)

Mango212

It sounds like the clarity of not being able to trust mom may be a much needed eye-opener.

In the right now, I'm also considering whether telling her to retract her invite would be worth the fall-out from the family.



This has nothing to do with Mom wanting to be around people. She invited people to stay in your house at the same time she planned to not be there. If she won't uninvite them, it's up to you to get their phone number and do it yourself. Practice what to say ahead of time. No apologies needed. Keep it brief.

The fallout of this mess is not on your shoulders. How we learn to set boundaries is by taking new actions. Good luck!!!

Mango212

Btw -- it could be good to skip returning to the part of whether you would have okayed this if asked ahead of time. It didn't happen. Maybe it would have been a firm no. Maybe you would have posted here first and had time to sort things out with your own intents and look at from some distance, like you are with this.

Maudcat

Hi, the uncertainty.
Agree with Mango. Uninvite the guests, and soon.
IMO, your mom, well meaning tho she may be, was out of line.
And yes, definitely look into an apartment for her, despite what sisters say.
Good luck and good thoughts.

PuzzledHeart

Does your Mom know my sister? She pulled similar stunts way back when we were living together. I ended up moving out the house because I realized that all the talking in the world wasn't going to change her mind. My family would often say that I needed to be more accommodating and whatnot, which made me feel insane. I needed my friends to remind me that what she was doing was rude and wrong. Now I can see my family's behavior was just enabling at its finest.

I do hope the guests haven't purchased the airline tickets yet, and I do wonder if your Mom actually forgot that the guests were coming in that week, but was too embarrassed to admit it.

Sometimes I find this tactic helpful: "You're not the type of person..." like "You're not the type of person who invites people to stay at somebody else's place and then ditches them." "You're not the type of person who financially burdens someone unnecessarily. Is there anything wrong? Is there anything I should be concerned about? Is there something you're not telling me?"

I like this tactic because it declares, right away, that yes, there is something wrong with that behavior, and it is not up for debate. However, it also reinforces the idea for the person you're confronting that you generally find them a good person to begin with. Of course, results may vary, and it only really works if you respect and like that person to begin with.

In regards to your sisters' opinions, they're not living with her - you are, so your opinion trumps their own.

AnvilheadII

keep it simple....someone who is not YOU invited people to stay at YOUR home. get the contact information, apologize to the invitees but explain there was a communication issue and your home is not suited as a vacation place for multiple people for a week. and do it pronto.

do not expect your mom to GET it. she was disrespectful and rude to both parties. i'm not even clear if the relatives were actually coming - if they could barely afford airfare, why would they show up for a week with no money?

take the "personal" out of it and just do what must be done. like taxes.

SparkleKitty

I understand that this is what you would like to be able to do, but it is actually unnecessary, and will only cause you even more frustration than you are experiencing now.

Get their numbers. Or email. Uninvite them. Explain there was a miscommunication between your mother and you and your home simply cannot accommodate that many guests for that long.

If you maintain your boundaries enough, perhaps your mother will eventually get the picture and skedaddle on her own. If you don't, she never will.

theuncertainty

I'm having such a hard time getting past being angry about this. Like little red guy from Inside Out angry. And it's spilling over onto my aunt and cousin, who, honestly probably had no clue that Mom wouldn't have discussed it with me before hand. (I mean: Do people actually plan vacations that way? Got the plane tickets; have no more money; we'll figure out where to stay and how to eat when we land.)

Thank you for the help, guys. And Mango, thanks for the note about not returning to the "I probably would've said OK" discussion. I would have probably kept bringing it up. But you're right: It's done; it didn't happen. And as I look at it now, bringing it up again would probably only give Mom the idea that she can keep on doing that, "Well, you'd say OK, anyway...."

theuncertainty

But, I want my mom to understand me!

I'm joking.
Kind of. Not really. But I get what you're saying. *sigh*



OMG.
I hope my son doesn't feel like this about me. No, I don't get everything he shares, but I've always fully acknowledged he's his own person. And that he's not like me - not me - not my property. I mean, I understand teens are usually going to feel their parents have no clue, but I hope he feels like I at least try to listen and understand. And when people tell me he's such a good kid and I'm doing a good job, I try to respond with "Yes, he's an awesome kid," and I don't bask in the praise about mothering like my mom does. It's him, man. He's awesome. I'm just here to help.

theuncertainty

Oh, how I wish this were the case. I thought it at first. But Mom told me in 1 breath that she was going to Seward for the 4th and that the visiting fam wouldn't be going with her in the next. She also said they asked if they could go to Valdez and she declined because she'd have to get 2 hotel rooms and didn't want to drive 300 miles there and 300 back. So she's driving 1/2 that distance alone instead.

And, no, the tickets are purchased. We have a 2nd cousin in town who's letting them stay with her for a week after she gets back after the 4th of July weekend. I hate getting details in bits and pieces, man.

Would it be completely spineless of me if I give Mom money for hotel rooms at Valdez? It'd solve all the problems except Mom being inconsiderate...

SparkleKitty

Giving your mother that money will not solve any of the actual problems, TU, and I think you know that. It will certainly not address your mother's fundamental disrespect for you and your space.

theuncertainty

Anvil, thank you for the reminder to keep it all business.

(Apparently, it's 2 weeks.) Well, family is lovely and shares. *shrug* Yeah, I don't get it either. I don't know if it's an our-family thing. Or if they had other arrangements that fell through, or what. (A 2nd cousin is taking them for 1/2 of the visit.) The only time DS and I travel is when I can cover all expenses for what we have planned (travel, hotel, food, car and entertainment. Mom has mucked up both of those trips, but those stories would be a huge digression.) We'll meet family in the area for stuff or family events, but we don't stay in their homes.

If Mom stays, I want her to feel like this is her home, too. BUT. I feel there's a certain level of consideration for the others in the home that should be observed. She did not. And her deciding to take off after inviting them in and after I expressed displeasure at the invitation is just absolute ****.

AnvilheadII

to me, now giving your mother MONEY to pay for hotel rooms in lieu of guests staying in your house uninvited is total enabling. she gets away with it!

if you want your mother to stay with you, well you just got a good dose of what to expect in the future. she's a steam roller to your boundaries, they don't exist in her world.

remember NO means NO. your house, your rules. she doesn't like 'em, she can live elsewhere and by her own rules.

SmallButMighty

TU, uuggggggg I'm sorry your mother is still tromping all over your boundaries. Heck, she isn't just crossing boundaries, she is being down right disrespectful. I'd be furious. I don't know how you do it. I couldn't live with my mother then more than a week or two before the gloves would come off. (My mum was just here visiting for for a week and while it was a pleasant enough visit, I was more than happy to go put her back on the plane when the week was up. )

I agree with the others who have said to cancel on the relatives. If they can't understand the situation and get all huffy about it, well, they probably aren't people you need to spend time with anyways.... Chances are, rational people will understand you just don't have the space or funds (nor inclination thank you very much) for house guests at this time.

As for how to deal with your mom...I dunno that my suggestions are very nice. I'll just say, I'd definitely be looking at finding her other living arrangements. I couldn't live with someone that was so disrespectful of my space.

Hey, I've been wondering, did you ever adopt a dog? I remember your mother making an issue about that and have been hoping you got one...

theuncertainty

Anvil, I'm totally not sold on having her stay. And I know she is not going to change: she's 67 yo. She is who she is.

Smallbutmighty, we're still looking. The group I was originally trying to work through has kind of changed their terms for adoptions: it used to be that for a lot of the dogs, they simply required home ownership. However, when we've contacted them about particular dogs we've found out that really meant they're requiring a fenced yard, which we don't have, but we are near several parks, one of which is a dog park. And, it's weird, they say they'll only consider an application when submitted for a particular dog, but when they turn us down for one, they ask if there were any others we were interested in. Well, no, because we saw "Stan" and stopped looking. So we're changing our tactics: keeping an eye out for multiple possibilities that do well with a cat and don't need a fenced yard. We're also keeping an eye on the muni shelter.

theuncertainty

Well. That was frustrating. I spoke to Mom about all of this. I was told that she knew just how mad I was, because my dad used to get just that mad in similar situations.

1. It's nice to have a trait shared with Dad pointed out, even if it's how we act when angry. Now that she's pointed it out, I can see it. It takes a while, but it's like a rolling boil in an open pot. It's going to keep going until we're ready to address it.
2. She did say that she just didn't think it'd be a problem, so I'm glad I didn't bring that up again.
3. She is brilliantly un-self-aware. She doesn't see that it's her actions that were the reason Dad or I got angry. We "just got angry for whatever the reason."
4. I'm convinced Dad should be eligible for sainthood for living with her for over 20 years.

She's talked our 2nd cousin into letting the visiting Fam stay at her house while she (the 2nd cousin) is out of town. I almost feel bad, but not enough to take it back.

Thank you guys for the support!

Seren

Don't feel bad! If you want, and only if you want, perhaps have them all over for dinner one (1) night?

Glad you talked to your Mom! Even if she is still Captain Oblivious...I know people like that but thankfully, they aren't in my immediate family, lol!

SmallButMighty

Thanks for the update TU! I'm glad things got re-planned and you wont have any unwelcome house guests. Try not to feel bad, your home should absolutely be your sanctuary, don't ever feel bad about your boundaries.

I am sorry your mom can't see her responsibility in this, or apparently any matter where she frustrates people. I wonder if she truly is that oblivious or if she is one of those that thrives on causing turmoil. I've met a few people like that in my life and I've never understood it. I guess it doesn't matter, like you said, she is who she is and she is set in her ways. It must be such a challenge to coexist in the same space. You are a stronger woman than I.

I think it is probably a blessing that you take after your dad.

P.S. I hope the right doggo comes along soon

theuncertainty

I think Mom steamrolled the 2nd cousin, so I kind of feel bad for her, but for ME, I just feel sooooooo relieved. The rolling boil is completely gone.

Smallbutmighty, I think it's a combo of both for Mom: oblivious to her part, but she thrives on drama. Or maybe I'm still just trying to give her the benefit of the doubt. IDK. Next step is her own apartment.

Additional update: I just put in a new application to adopt a black lab puppy (DS's grandfather had an old lab who had the same name and that DS loved), and DS and I have a list of 4 others (3 older dogs and 1 other puppy) we'd love to meet. Please keep your fingers crossed.